Author: Cassandra S.

Keep your promises, especially to YOU.

Today, finds me doing yesterday’s chores today. Sunday. My day of rest.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DAY OF REST!!!…*pout*….*Cassandra stomps around, delicately mind you, so as to not upset the neighbors*….*Cassandra consoles herself with being a good neighbor, STILL, even though her neighbor is the very reason she is doing yesterday’s chores today!*

Yesterday, Saturday, instead of the Sandman gently teasing me awake, the blasted neighbor decided to invite a 100 piece movie orchestra next door to entertain us. ALL DAY! ALL DAY!!!!! So, I do my ‘take the high road routine’ and tell myself he/she must have had a tough week and give them some slack.

So, slack given, I do the high road thing, try to NOT pay attention to the 100 piece movie orchestra and mind my own….

Hours later, hours mind you, I tell myself I am just too ‘out of sorts’ to get my Saturday chores done. I spent a wonderful Friday evening concocting and making out a fantastic life schedule I am determined to live by. I figure, I religiously stick to my work schedule and brook no excuses or arguments. I can do the same with a life schedule.

With due diligence, I make my schedule, tuck myself into bed, awaiting to attack my Saturday with a vengeance. Only, the neighbor decided to do the attacking first. Exasperated, I pouted, I fumed, I stayed in bed. ALL day.

God and Life: Okay, so what happened to your Saturday chores?

Me: I can’t do them. The neighbor interrupted my good mood.

God: What does your mood have to do with the promise you made yourself?

Me: How the heck should I know? Am in too foul a mood to be rational.

Life: So, you have determined that outside distractions can and will keep you from keeping your promise to you?

Me: Hhm…am too annoyed to be taking high roads and getting act right. Talk to me tomorrow.

Sunday morning arrives. Too early, dammit! I decide it is much too early to start my Sunday and decide to sleep in. See, Sunday is my day off, according to my life schedule! I rush to show Life that I have ALL DAY Sunday off. Don’t bug me.

Life: So, you did not adhere to Saturday. Why is it okay to adhere to Sunday and do nothing?

God: Yes, do tell.

Yikes!: This should be good.

Egads!: Egads! You sure have painted yourself into a corner with this one, Cassandra. Good luck to you.

Me:….hmm….*Cassandra scrounges around, in her mind, for a good enough reason to take today off when she did not do yesterday’s chores*….fresh hell!!…..*Cassandra snatches up the remote, turns off the football games(gasp), stomps delicately to mind the now quiet neighbors, and commences to take out the trash, vaccuum, dust and do all the damned Saturday’s chores she knows damn good and well she should have done YESTERDAY so she could be enjoying her Sunday games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….*pout*….

So, now I find myself, fixing to have a nice cup of coffee, post clean, so I can find the gumption to encourage someone to be sure and keep your promises, especially to YOU. It’s so easy, isn’t it, to put ourselves off? We will work ourselves, to the bone, for our jobs, for other’s needs. Yet, one inconvenience, hiccup, unexpected happenstance and we are willing, if not eager, to throw in the towel. We will get to it, tomorrow, we tell ourselves. Life is getting to short, though, to be leaning on a possible tomorrow.

I no longer allow myself the excuse, the seeming luxury, of ‘I will do it, tomorrow’. I know I may never HAVE a tomorrow. In addition, I have no earthly clue what that day may hold. I have been doing things, today, in the moment, as much as I can.

It feels good, I must admit, looking down at my freshly vacuumed rug. I scrunch my toes in the delicious fluffiness of the rug that now holds my toes, in gratitude. My keurig becomes me, in triumph, to spend a bit of time, with a cup of coffee and some quiet.

As I dim some lights, I turn on my heart to see what God, what Life, may say to me. It feels good, being good to me. It feels great, in fact. What does life have in store for me, tomorrow? I have no idea. I DO know that tomorrow does not hold a vacuum waiting for me! I took care of that, today….lol…..

As we prepare to begin again, again, remember to keep your promises you have made. Especially, to you. Take, the dare. Make, the call. Write, the letter. Stay, hopeful. Stay, present.

Say.

Live.

Love.

I do these things with you.

We got this, beloveds. We are one step closer. To what, you ask? You tell me.

feeling ACCOMPLISHED,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Be encouraged.

Be encouraged, beloveds.

True and LASTING change takes time. Be good to you, as circumstances toss you to and fro. It’s perfectly okay to feel unsettled. You ARE unsettled. You are being moved to the place you were born for.

Be encouraged, beloveds.

This moving, this shaking, is maddening. It’s painful. It’s challenging. It’s also fun, if you let it be. You get to discover, to rediscover all your nooks and crannies. You get to revisit this, toss out that. You get to remake, reshape, redo, undo, figure out what TO do, with all of you.

Be encouraged, beloveds.

This shaking is shaking out the best of you. God and Life are discarding what’s left. Those things that have held you back shall hold you back, not much longer. As you continue to fight, argue, fuss, scream, cry, pout, laugh, dance delicately, comfort eat, eat modestly….keep on going. You got this!!

Be encouraged, beloveds.

You have done your all, let the rest be what it be. Enjoy your weekend. You have earned the right to rest. Rest. Clear your mind. Shake the cobwebs off of something you enjoy and get to enjoying it. ENJOY this time. It will never come again this way. Enjoy you NOW, not when you think you have ‘arrived’. Give yourself permission to be there already…lol…

You are beautifully made in ALL your stages. Keep on strutting your stuff. Those who gets you will get you. The rest…*shrug*….they make me no never mind. I figure I am giving them something interesting to talk about…*shrug*.

As this day comes to it’s close, thank it for ALL that it presented you. Then, tell it to go on head and kick some rocks. You got some chillaxing to do.

chillaxing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

What joy looks like.

What does joy look like?

I was just laying here, enjoying thoughts of mom, enjoying thoughts of folks, all over the world, folks I have never meet, folks I may never meet.

I thought of mom, thought of folks, thought of my yippeee, thought of chili, well made.

I thought of coffee, enjoyed alone, whilst writing to others to let them know that they were not alone.

I thought of ocean views that I can’t yet visit. I thought of trampling through sand, sloshing out into the welcoming arms of the sea.

I thought of dreams, long held, never fulfilled. Dreams disturbing my dreams refusing to allow rest/sleep entrance into dreams demanding to have their say.

I thought of the love songs I have sung terribly ALL day. Singing songs to a lover I can not see, one I may never meet.

I thought of hard days, recent ones, past ones, future ones to come where grief, sorrow, frustration and sadness had their way.

I thought of peaceful days that chased the hard days away.

I thought of friends, long gone. Friends, far away. Friends who disappointed me. Friends I have disappointed. Thought of them all. Thought of how much I love them, all, still.

I thought of God and Life. Of how much they work the last of my nerves as I do my best to do my best when the best of me is all tied up in the rest of this mess called me.

I thought of loved ones. Those here. Those gone.

I thought of 53 years lived wondering how many more moments this life has yet to be lived.

I thought of all of those things, these things, many, many other things. Too many to fit upon this or any page.

I thought of all and had but one thought…

This is what joy looks like.

To me.

What does joy look like to you?

joyful,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I was born with a yippeee inside me.

I was born with a yippeee inside me. I know. I know. It seems strange. It IS strange. Even to me. Especially, to me.

An actual yippeee. I will be minding my own, when a burst of, I don’t know, joy, or SOMETHING will tickle my heart and a yippeee would just come out. Out loud! 🤷‍♀️

Yippeee!

See?! 😱🤷‍♀️

The yippeee never left. Still here. Making me laugh. Making me wonder. Where did they come from? Why did God and Life make me soooooo darned serious, yet ridiculous all at the same time?

Why do I enjoy thinking the most dumbest things, followed by the simply profound? 🤷‍♀️

I stopped wondering, aeons ago, and now just enjoy the yippeee when they come. They are my friends. They are a reminder that no one on earth could EVER replace my goofness. Dear Lord why would they?…hahahahahaha!!

Why do I even bring this up, you ask? Great question. I think it’s because I see so many folks who are living their lives hiding their ‘yippppeee’. That thing, quirk, way of being that gives them joy. Yet, that same thing, quirk, way of being seems to bring those same folks fear and shame from being that thing, quirk, way of being.

I reckon that stems from folks looking askance or disapproving or…well you know how folks can get when others don’t do or act as THEY think one ought or should.

If you ask me, beloveds, I think folks who try to bottle up others yippeees is because they are afraid of their own! Or, they may fear what others may think of their yipppeee.

So, I thought I would expose my yippeee. In hopes that you may expose YOUR yippeee. And that may give others the courage to expose THEIR yippeee. Before you know it, this place may be filled with joyful, free yipppeeees! How great would that be?!!

YAAAAAAAASSSS!!

YYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE!💃🤣❤🥰…*hugs self*…

*Cassandra does a delicate and quiet jig*…must mind the downstairs neighbors…*whispers a few tasteful yippees*

dancing alone til help comes along,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Trust The Pilot.

2021 has been awfully turbulent. Heck, 2020 was worse, if that’s possible….*shiver*.

Changes. Changes. Changes.

Trying to learn from, grow through, trying NOT to hide from, the changes, has not been the easiest thing I have done in my 53 years.

I have come far. Yet, seems like I have gotten nowhere. Worse, it FEELS like, I have gone backwards. Some days, yall, will be honest, I want to run backwards. Back THERE. It was safe there, I lie to myself. Yes, I know. I KNOW. It wasn’t safe. It was a prison. Yet, a prison I was familiar with.

I KNEW my jailor. Fear. We were on intimate terms. We, each, knew, what the other would do, be, if given the chance to do or be. Fear, kept me, well, afraid. Bound. And, I was bound and determined, to do the ‘best I can’ whilst bound. I did the ‘best I could’ to pretend I wasn’t REALLY bound. I COULD do and be SOME things. Maybe, not the things that God and Life meant for me. but, could be, a bit of this, a tad bit of that. That would/could be enough couldn’t/wouldn’t it?

Of course, and eventually, living that way, er, existing, that way wasn’t a life at all. Yet, it was a life I knew. I could do that life, in my sleep. I decorated my prison walls, best I could, and did my best to make the best of things, the best of me, behind those walls.

Life was never meant to be LIVED behind walls of fear. God and Life has presented an AWESOME life if we but just take the chance, on us, on life, on Life, on God, on others, on dreams, on hopes, and on and on.

Living, it seems, keeps on presenting maddening paradoxes and dilemmas. The more we live, the more we TRY, the more we give, the more we hope for, the more we long for. Well, it just seems to make the longer hurt longer, makes the trying more trying, makes the hoping more, which makes us hope more, which makes the longer more, which makes the waiting more:

Aggravating.

Long.

Long.

LONGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How long is this going to take, dammit??!!!!!!!!!!

*Cassandra gets ready to throw another Cassandra tantrum but smells some awfully tasty chili telling her to chill already, in the background*….oppss…..sorry, Chili, shall get back to gettin’ after it…*sigh*.

This faith walk, this TRY walk, this LIVE walk, inevitably leads us to one place, THE place. A very important place. Slowly, excruciatingly, inexorably, we are led to the point of no return.

THE POINT OF NO RETURN!

*gasp*.

In flying, its the place, in the flight, where there is just enough fuel, to get to one’s destination. But, there is not enough fuel to turn around and go back from whence the flight began…*gasp*. How terrifying is THAT thought?! I looked up the term ‘point of no return’ and this is the definition I found from Dictionary.com:

  1. Aviation. the point in a flight at which an aircraft will lack sufficient fuel to return to its starting point.
  2. the critical point in an undertaking, decision-making process, etc., where one has committed oneself irrevocably to a course of action or policy.

What do we DO then, beloveds, when we want to turn around, to head back, to the ‘easy’? We keep going. We keep moving, FORWARD. We keep growing, KNOWING, the best is yet to come.

In these times, we MUST trust The Pilot. We can’t get to worrying about the stability of the plane. We done took off already. We can’t flip out about what supplies we have. We done took off already. We can’t fret about how far we have yet to go. We done took off already. We can’t berate ourselves for waiting so long to start the trip. We done took off already.

ALL we can do, beloveds, is to trust The Pilot. We SHALL make it. We SHALL. It’s NOT, our job, to worry about the headings. It is NOT, our place, to steer the plane. It’s NOT, on us, to know all the ins and outs and dos and don’ts of the journey.

ALL we must do is to strap in and trust The Pilot. God and Life WILL get us where we need to go. Once landed, in new places, in new ages and stages, THEN we get to do the work of, well, doing the work.

Until then, beloveds, know, of a surety, that you are exactly where you are supposted to be, on this journey, your journey, called life. ALL has been taken into account. Our fears, our dumbness, our sameness, our willingness, our unwillingness. ALL of our ‘nesses’ have been worked into the flight plan, my flight plan, your flight plan.

So, grab a good book/puzzle, snatch up some peanuts and trust The Pilot.

going/growing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

A daughter’s Christmas haiku.

Christmas is coming…soon.

Christmas came…for mom.

She’s…gone.

I…remain.

Christmas comes…still.

Cassandra

Hey, mom. It’s me. Christmas is coming. Do you want to know something, mom? THIS year, I don’t find myself dreading it’s coming. THIS year, the coming of Christmas does not signify the coming of THE worst moment, of my life: The morning you left us.

Christmas used to be my fave holiday. I looked forward to it’s visit. The day Jesus, My Homie, My Bestie, was born. I used to yippppeee my way through December. Til the morning you decided to ‘give up the ghost’ as it were and run on out of here.

How very angry I was with you, mom. So, angry. HOW could you leave like that??!! What was I supposed to DO with the rest of this life you forced me to live, alone, without you?!

I’m no longer angry, mom. Sad, at times, yes. But, thankful, grateful of all that you left me with. I am my mom’s daughter. Proud to say that. I know you had your challenges and things that seemed to best you. Yet, you kept trying. I got my TRY from you, mom. Thanks for that.

Because of YOUR try, I now try, best as I can, to keep it moving. Without you.

I’m blasting my music, mom. Just as you did. Am singing badly, to those tunes mom, just as you did. I give my all, best as I know how, mom, just as you did.

As Christmas comes, for me, I welcome her, with open arms, for she holds you within hers. You shall come for me, also, with Christmas. I await your return.

your grateful daughter,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It is my hope to offer just a bit of comfort, to those who have suffered a loss they don’t think they can live with or beyond. You CAN. You WILL. It takes a willingness to allow your heart to grieve. They say time heals all wounds. Time won’t help, one lick, if you are not willing to go through in order to get to the other side. Most folks are afraid to ‘go through’. They don’t know if they can get through, don’t know HOW to get through, some not sure if they even want to. That said, beloveds, the ONLY way to get through this is to….well, just get through it, dammit, best you can. Hold on. Hang on. Scrape by. Scream through. Cry through. Pray through. Stomp through(delicately if neighbors be near). However, nevertheless, in spite of, because of. Just keep going. One step. Then another. Then another. Until, you can await your Christmas. Maybe, not with anticipation, or joy, just yet. But, at least, upright and hopeful. Til then, I pray….

Real talk: I need tomorrow’s sun to come out TODAY.

I did not FEEL like starting today.

I started, today.

I did not FEEL like, singing the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

I sang, the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

Dammit!

I need tomorrow’s sun to go on ahead and come out……TODAY!!!

*Cassandra stomps around delicately, mindful of the neighbors…crap…dammit…pout….dammit!!…*

I know. I know!

Things WILL get better.

My/our dreams WILL come true.

Life WILL get easier.

The sun….DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

Whew! I just HAD to get that off my chest, beloveds.

Living, TRULY living, can get awfully tough. The time, in between, the seeing of the thing, to the BEING of the thing, can be, well, dammit, it can be:

Exhausting.

Frustrating.

Maddening.

Frightening.

Discouraging and every other ‘ing’ one can think of.

So, what do we DO with us, with our hearts, when we are feeling, BEING this way?

We can not:

Hide.

Give up.

Give in.

Run away.

Go backwards.

We can NOT give up on:

Ourselves.

Our, dreams.

Our, hopes.

Love.

Each other.

God.

Life.

We MUST:

Fight, on.

Keep, on.

Keep, going.

Through:

Tears.

Frustration.

Fear.

Depression.

Anger.

Irritation.

Discouragement.

Despair.

It’s okay, beloveds, to feel these things. Truly, it is. Go on ahead and have a tantrum, cry, mad, sad. Whatever it is you need to do, beloveds. Do it, then dammit, get back in the fight and sing at the top of your lungs……THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW.

Can I tell you a secret, beloveds? I delicious, life changing secret?? Okay, come real close, lean in here, to me. We can’t give the secret away to folks not ready for it. You ready? Here goes…

The sun is ALWAYS shining. Behind the clouds. It never left. It is STILL there, beloveds. Still, behind your circumstances. Still, behind your situations. Still, amidst ALL that is fighting with you. Through your darkest of darkness, the sun, The Son, The Father, Life, STILL is there. Fighting with and FOR you.

It’s okay, to be tired. It’s okay to WANT to give up, to give in. Just can’t do those things. I shall happily cry, kavetch, cut up and act a fool with you. We SHALL get through, together, beloveds.

We CAN.

We WILL.

What did I end up doing, in the height of today’s mad, todays’ I just could give two damns, todays’s I don’t feel like doing this day? I got up, I am doing the damn day, I stormed delicately into the kitchen, and put on a pot of my now world famous chili and began singing, badly.

Ah!…..*Cassandra hugs self as the delicious smells of chili wafts by. Cassandra dances stunningly round the living room(my dream so I can dance how I want to. Don’t judge me). Cassandra awaits chili and tomorrow’s sun.*

Keep going, beloveds. Keep going. God and Life has got us. We shall look back on this time and laugh. Ha! I think not. This too, however, nevertheless SHALL pass.

The main thing, beloveds, is HOW you shall be, after the storm is over. This storm WILL pass. They all do. How shall you be? In a crumpled heap, defeated, alone, forever defeated and discouraged!?

Hell to the No!!!!!

Tell ALL the ings to go on head and kick rocks and make the damn chili.

I love me some you.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Chili for Thanksgiving: Give yourself permission to BE.

Chili for Thanksgiving?

CHILI?!

For THANKSGIVING?!!

Yep, you heard correctly.

I have been pondering, wondering what to make for Thanksgiving. Thought of all the traditional meals and just could not land on one that sounded satisfying, this year. This year has been different. I have been different. So, I figure may as well DO something different for Thanksgiving.

For some reason, chili kept coming to mind. I shushed it away. Yet, chili came back round. Told, chili to go on head and kick rocks so I could think of an ACCEPTABLE Thanksgiving meal. For some reason, beloveds, well, chili just REFUSED to leave me be!

Chili: I want to be eating for Thanksgiving. Why does it matter WHEN you eat me? Aren’t I tasty, regardless of when sampled?

Me: Well, yea, but Thanksgiving has already been reserved for turkey, ham, and the like. NOBODY eats chili for Thanksgiving!…*gasp*…

Chili: Why can’t you start a new ‘tradition’ and have what your heart wants to have/eat?

Me: I’m not supposed to.

Chili: Says who?

Me: Hmm…*shrug*…have not the first clue. Just how Thanksgiving be, I imagine.

Chili: How about reimagining Thanksgiving? What would happen if you enlarged your thinking, opened your heart, to new experiences and let me come visit on Thanksgiving?

Me:…hhhm….brb…

*Cassandra heads for the kitchen and chili fixings*…

Me: Cya on Thursday!

Chili: YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

*smells of chili, loud clanging, banging, and caterwalling going on as Cassandra sings awful badly to tunes whilst rustling up a delish pot of chili…for Thanksgiving.

Rejoicing still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Life is short, beloveds. Try something new. Try something old. Try…something. Just get on up, get on out there and TRY. You got this. We got this. Together. Keep going. I love me some you. 😊

I laugh…still.

Today, was hard. Harder than the day before.

I laugh, still.

Today, I received some awful news. News tough enough to weakened seasoned knees.

I laugh, still.

Today, the void laughed at me. Told me my hopes, my dreams were but fool’s thinking.

I laugh, still

Today, I needed to hear mom’s reassuring voice. Only silence answered.

I laugh, still.

Today, each step I took appeared to take me farther away from the rest I seek. I kept walking.

I laugh, still.

Today, admonished me only heartbreak awaits my tomorrow. Tomorrow will do what it will. I remain in THIS day.

I laugh, still.

Today, I ventured out in hopes of capturing my rainbow. I received only storm clouds instead.

I laugh, still.

Today, my heart set out in hopes of making a friend. I returned, alone, again.

I laugh, still.

What of tomorrow, you ask?

What of it, I respond.

I laugh, still.

here still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I choose…still.

I choose…still.

I choose, to stand, still.

I choose, to love, still.

I choose, to care, still.

Circumstances, dealt me some cards I did not wish to play.

Still, I choose, I chose, to stand.

Situations, mocked me, laughed in my face.

Still, I choose, I chose, to love.

The world, told me my efforts were in vain, told me to pack up and get gone.

Still, I choose, I chose, to care.

God and Life, remained silent, as circumstances, situations and the world dealt, mocked, and laugh. Still, I choose, I chose, to stand, to love, to care.

God and Life ARE Faithful.

I am forever grateful.

I CHOOSE to remain:

Stedfast.

Unmoved.

Unapologetic.

Resolute.

Resilient.

Joyful.

Hopeful.

Loving.

And, in loving, I shall continue to choose to:

Receive.

Say.

Live.

Love.

And, in so doing, I SHALL be:

Loved.

Seen.

Heard.

Cherished.

Fought, for.

Cared, for.

Loved, by:

God.

Life.

Me.

Family.

Whosoever will.

Whosoever won’t…*shrug*.

Nevertheless and however, I choose…still.

here still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe