My brother gave me a Kodi player that never could or did act right. That said, I found it could play the movies and shows these apparently SMART TVs don’t like.
So, I have spent a wonderfully, delicious, frustrating, aggravating satisfying morning resituating the half working Kodi box, hooking up my external hard drive and am happily binge-watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. 💃🥰❤👍🤗
Success!
Yes, I have one extra remote I thought I no longer needed. Yes, I have one extra step to viewer watching, and, yes, I had to use extra hours to get situated and going.
The thing is, beloveds, I kept going, I got it going, and I am being about being about it!
Life will do what it do. It shall have it’s say. Life only wants to know how you will respond to the day’s happenings. Life just wants to see your TRY. That’s it. That’s all.
Just TRY, beloveds. You may have to drag out some old stand bys. You may be forced to try something new. Either way, you are growing, you are showing Life, you are showing YOU, that you CAN and you WILL!
Work with what you have, beloveds. Stop wasting time lamenting on not having this and needing more of that. You have all you need for a successful day.
hmm….*Cassandra feels a bit stuck in Groundhog’s Day. Seems like the same dumb Electronic I don’t give two damn and don’t want to work dumbness is going on*. Ack!
Today’s tormentor? FAT32, of course. What is FAT32, you ask? Exactly!? Pffft! Tell me, and we shall both know….*pout*…*Cassandra suspects yet another moving, inspirational post is fixing to be derived from yet ANOTHER dumb, ridiculous, stupid electronic failure/fiasco/what the f—…ooops….my bad….*…*Cassandra wonders how smart it is to be trying to wax poetic coffee free(gasp) while staring suspiciously at the external harddrive working it’s way towards 100% doneness of being done doing whatever the hell it started doing 13 hours ago!!!!!!!*
Yikes!: Okay, so, um, like me thinks you have forgotten you were talking to the beloveds about being fat when you were 32.
Egads!: Yikes! she was talking about FAT32.
Yikes!: What the world is FAT32?
Egads!: How should I know? She hasn’t told us yet. Why don’t you ask her?
Yikes!: YIKES!!You KNOW how she is ‘coffee-free’! You ask her? Egads!: Fat chance!
Yikes! and Egads! do the smart thing and beat a hasty retreat…
97%
97!!!!….*Cassandra does a jig. 97%!!*….*Cassandra dances about, prepared to forgive the now stupid harddrive if the dumb green bar can just get to 100% of doing something about the fact her now dumb movies won’t show up and work right already on her supposedly SMART TV that is now just as dumb as the other tvs that are not so blasted smart yet they are smart enough to NOT advertise not being smart and are therefore not held to account when they don’t do the blasted smart things the stupid SMART TV says it can and should be doing now!*
Whew.
Whew!
WHEW!
What’s FAT32? Why the world are you asking me for? Oh, yea, I was supposed to be providing you with inspiration, charm, wit, aplomb, beaboutitness, and all manner of getafteritness and wegotitgoingonlikepopcornness while deftly and charmingly explaining what the world FAT32 is in a witty and don’tgiveupyetness the world will enthusiastically approve/applaud from.
98%,
98!?…crap…*sigh*….stupid harddrive.
So, here I sit 14 hours after I started…*sigh*. I had the brilliant, or so I thought, idea of hooking up my external harddrive in order to watch stored movies and television shows so as not to have to be fighting with data text messages who have, here lately, been sending me taunting, warning messages of data usage. Now, you tell me how this is being my plan is supposedly unlimited. Do NOT get me started on THAT until AFTER I have had some coffee….
So, presto, hook up, ensconce myself in movie snacks and comfort and…..some play, some don’t, some show, some don’t. Crap! I can now admit, beloveds, that yelling, hollering, screaming at the SMART TV does not, in fact, get the now dumb thing to start acting smart and start doing the thing it is supposed to. However, yelling, hollering, screaming and such apparently will scare the SMART TV into admitting that for some reason FAT32 is or is not being recognized and apparently needs to be for some ridiculous or smart reason. Do NOT ask me. I am an electronic dummy, remember?
Long story short, I google FAT32 and am given wonderfully brilliant instructions that make not a whole lot of sense explaining how to install some supposedly smart assistant that will quickly and cleverly separate the NTSF into FAT32 so I can watch my blasted movies and shows. WTH!?
Did it work? How the hell should I know. The dumb thing is only at 99…10..it’s converting!! It’s converting!!!!…..*Cassandra does in indelicate indecent jig this blasted early in the morning but who gives two figs*….the operation has concluded successfully!! Yaya!!
Whew.
Whew!
WHEW!!
Did it work? Fat chance. Yet, it did get things more organized. For the SMART TV that is. As for me, I am still pouting my way through which movies will or will not taunt me and show themselves to and for me. Along the way, I did learn a bit more about what files will and will not show on this thing or in that way yada yada forever yada. Yet another adventure I will start, once I have had my coffee…*sigh*.
This was just another reminder, a daily reminder, to just keep on doing the blasted thing, the frustrating day, until it turns into a satisfying mess of a day but I am STILL here and trying type day. Ah! Another life lesson. Life is full of them, if you are open and willing to look and work and make the chili, take out the trash, do the TRY, hope when all feels hopeless and all the otherness and mess we MUST do to keep it moving, keep it going, being about it until we….beloveds, haven’t you not yet realized the brilliance of this thing called life?
There will NEVER be an until. We NEVER get there. At least, we are never supposed to. There is, has been, ever shall be something we are making our way towards, to, and or through. Why? Don’t ask me. Ask God and Life. All I know is that as we do this thing, as we be about being about it, as we strive, as we give our all, as we give our TRY, as we remove this, add that, fuss with this, embrace that. Well, we continue to find:
Lessons.
Essence.
Meaning.
Being.
Freeing.
Freedom.
Love.
Laughter.
Hope.
Joy.
Peace.
Frustration.
Tears.
Cheers.
And insodoing, we find….us!
Yep, you find, you. I find, me. How great is that!!? Like the toy in the midst of a satisfying box of Cracker Jack!!
Best be about being about it, beloveds. Time is short. Yet, we have enough time, just enough, to DO something, to BE, to give, to grow, to love. To do all manner of this or that. You just need to decide, then get off your hind end and do the thing already. You never know how long your thing will take. Mine has taken me 14 hours. How long did yours take? Lemme know.
That’s what I said. Once I had come to after having seen the sticker shock of how much it cost to mail a 17 inch laptop. Whew. 😭🤷♀️
Had to pay an extra ten bucks for my self-satisfied smirk. Karma exacting her revenge, you see. Told Karma “Whatevs” and did my mailing thing.
Seeing as how I had already cost myself for my costly mistake/misstep, I stepped my mistaken/misshapen/MsOppsIForgot self to McDonald’s for an equally ridiculously expensive breakfast!
YYYAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS! 💃🥰
Now free from fear, self-judgment, self-kicking my own hind end for an honest mistep/mishap, I could enjoy my TRY.
In times past, I would have done something super not helpful and or dumb like:
Hiding, behind pride, I would have humbly, and not humbly, ripped open the box that had taken two hours to get situated and would have ha! my way into ‘saving money’ in cramming the forgotten power cord in with the laptop. To pay for my crime, I would have been kicking my own hind end, berated myself for being an idiot, blamed God and Life for not reminding me not to forget the power cord, blamed you because🤷♀️ just to pass on the savings…*shrug*.
Hiding, behind self-judgement, I would have used forgetting the power cord, as an excuse to lament how much the world hated me, God and Life couldn’t possibly care about me, none of my dreams would ever come true, yada yada. Yep, would have used poor, innocent Power cord to pay for ALL life’s sins and indiscretions towards me. Smh.
Thankfully, beloveds, I have been being about it, getting some act right, leaning heavily on God and Life’s Deep and Abiding Love for me, living life instead of running/hiding from it, making the chili, taking out the trash, doing my TRY, on the daily.
Insodoing, I found…me.
I found, joy.
I found, peace.
I found, resilience.
I found, laughter.
I found, hope.
I found, freedom.
I found, love.
SELF love. I no longer had to wait for, hope for, long for love from another, from others.
Yes, I desire those. Still. Always. The human heart needs to be loved. Yet, I know, KNOW I am loved, of a surety. Completely. Fully. Always.
By, God.
By, Life.
By, mom, and a mum, perhaps many other mamas and papas, in heaven.
By, my wombie.
By, family.
By, me.
By, hopefully, a friend or two or three.
Yet, if none love me, outside the top three, well, that shall be enough. For, I am enough.
As are you. Time to stop kicking your hind end over past/present mistakes/misshapes/missteps/missed opportunities. You did your TRY.
So what if it costs you a few extra bucks because you forgot the cord. You did the thing, you was about being about it. Move on. Applaud yourself for the mess you made.
You were NOT among the masses, among the timid souls who do not enter the arena. You be the man in the arena!
*Cassandra congratulates herself on how she deftly and cleverly managed to slip in an ‘The Man in The Arena’ reference(awesome poem if you have never read it, by the by)*.
Long story short…hhhmm…🤷♀️. I guess I am just saying to keep on keeping on. Focus not on all you could have said, done, been. You are doing your all, being your all, emptying your glass. Let that be enough.
You ARE enough.
Keep going. You shall find something of infinite and priceless value along the way.
That’s what I said, beloveds, after TWO HOURS 😱😡🤬 of packing up a laptop to mail off to my wombie.
Self-satisfied smirk, upon my super wonderful and giving self, I self-satisfiedly prepared to snatch up car keys to get my car package off to the mail.
To my GREAT horror, and eternal shame, I felt a light tapping on my shoulder:
Power cord: Okay, so, um, nice wrapping. I see how snuggly, precisely and safely you packed up the laptop for your wombie. But, um, I hate to even say this…
Me: Can you hurry up, already?! I am hot, tired, annoyed with fighting with tape and styrofoam for two blasted hours!🤬😡. Well!!?
Power cord: Well, when. Egads! had best tell you. Hey, Egads!?
Egads!: Yea?…*Egads! leans over as Power cord whispers something*…o, my…hhhmm. Think Yikes! needs to be the one to tell it…hey, Yikes!?
Yikes!: What’s up? What’s with the pow wow?…hhhmm?…*Yikes! leans over and listens*…*GASPS *…heck no, I ain’t telling that!
*Yikes! and Egads! both decide to kick rocks and makes hasty exits*🏇🏃♂️
Power cord: It appears you may have forgotten to pack something.
Me: What could I possibly have forgotten?! I made a list! I double checked everything. EVERYTHING!
Power cord: You forgot to pack ME. 🤷♀️
Me:🙃🤔🤨🤯😭😱🤡🙊🙈🙉
*Self-satisfied smile now turned upside down, Cassandra digs up another box to pack the Power cord*…sheesh.
Don’t judge me, beloveds, it has been a long year…lol.
Forgetting the power cord was just a nice reminder to slow down, to make sure I have myself plugged in, to My Source, the right source, to ensure I am working correctly.
It’s a reminder, we can’t do this life on our own.
It’s a reminder, we may think we have done all, have packed it all in there, only to discover we have missed a step or two or ten out of haste or fatigue or any and all of the other things that tend to pop up to keep us from packing up our source.
It’s a reminder, ALL we can do, are required to do, is to empty our cup, best as we can, through the day and leave the outcome up to God and Life.
IF, you have done your best to be about being about it…
IF, you have emptied your cup and loved as hard and as long and to/for as many as you could…
IF, you have LIVED…
IF, you have LOVED…
IF, you have SAID…
If, and ONLY if, you have done these things, breathe, release yourself, from the fatiguing confines, of the day, and rest.
Every day, EVERY day, God and Life gives us a cup. A FULL cup, of life, of love, of hope, of joy, of perspective, of perception.
Every morning, we receive a cup of inspiration, perspiration, sometimes exasperation.
EVERY day, we are given a cup of optimism, introspection and enthusiasm.
Yes, we are given a cup, a full measure, of hopefulness, relentless and unapologeticness.
We are given this, our cup, a day’s worth of life, to do with as we will.
What shall I do with my cup, MY portion?
As for me and my house, I shall do my utmost to give my utmost to the utmost. I shall give ALL of me. To:
God.
Life.
Me.
You.
My, family.
My, friends.
Those who see themselves as my enemy.
My, job.
My, community.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Daily, I shall:
Say.
Live.
Love.
Hope.
TRY.
I will fight for:
God.
Life.
Me.
You.
My, family.
My, friends.
Those who see themselves as my enemy.
My, job.
My, community.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Daily, I will. Best as I can, to the best of my ability, with the best of me, not the rest of me or the leftovers.
Such as I have, I shall give. By days end, I endeavor to have an empty cup to present back to God and Life. As I had them ALL of my effort, my TRY, I shall ask that they bless them. I shall ask that they use these, my gifts, my all to help another, to comfort another, to heal another.
I shall ask that they use my TRY in service of all. Beginning, with you. This life is short. Too short. It’s not about me. Not always, anyway. It’s about what I can give, what I can be, what I can do. With this cup, this full cup, this thing, this day, called life.
We have NO idea how many cups we shall receive. We don’t know how much of the day, we have been alloted.
ALL we have is THIS day, this hour, this cup. Right now. It has been given to us full, to use as we please.
What will you do with your cup? Asking for a Friend.
Let’s go, beloveds! We ain’t got time to wait for the new year. We ain’t got the time for making resolutions. Best be about making restitutions, if needed. Best be about making changes as required. Best be about being about it.
Best be about being about it!
We ain’t got time, beloveds, to be waiting, for others to do what WE can do, what WE must do. Let’s go, beloveds! Folks are:
Hurting.
Afraid.
Hopeless.
Lonely.
Alone.
Best be about being about it! Beloveds, folks need love, they need hope, they need joy. They need to know, how to go about getting those things, how to go about being about it. God and Life are waiting, beloveds. Waiting, on you. Waiting, on me. Waiting, on us. To be about being about it!
Turned my back on my TRY. Told TRY to kick rocks! Don’t you know my mama dead??!
Made myself TRY…again!
Turned my back on my TRY. Told TRY to kick rocks!! Don’t you know I am alone, my words won’t change a damn thing in world who could give two damns anyway!!?
Made myself TRY…again!
I turned off, my music, my relaxing ocean videos, my chili making, my coffee drinking, my keep on keeping on, my TRY, my hope, my joy. My. My, o, my, beloveds, I turned my back, on me. Just let Grief take over. I allowed her, Grief, to unpack, make herself comfortable and make demands upon me, upon my TRY.
Grief told me to just go on ahead and let life have it’s way. No need, to TRY. No need, to hope. No need, to reach out, for support. No need, to lean on God and Life, to help me get through the impossible.
For days, I listened to Grief. I let her have ALL the say. Lights, out. Life, out.
Yet, I found, I just have, too much TRY, inside. I have, too much joy, inside. I have, too much mom, inside. I have, too much God and Life, inside. I have, too much music, inside. I have too many yipppees, inside.
Try, said: Cassandra, TRY!
Joys said: Cassandra, rejoice!
Moms said: Keep going!
God said: Keep going, beloved!
Life, said: Keep going, beloved!
Music, said: Sing, Cassandra! Dance, Cassandra!
Yippee, said: Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeee!
I, said: I will.
*Cassandra turns on the lights, turns on the music, turns on her TRY, turns on her heart, turns on her joy, turns on her yipppees and prepares to make her now famous chili*.
It’s time, beloveds. To move, forward. It’s time, beloveds, to actually LIVE, move and have our being on the OTHER side of Christmas. Now, I don’t know what your ‘Christmas’ is. I have no idea what has devastated your life to the place and point where you feel like giving up, feel like giving in. Feel as though you will NEVER make it to the OTHER side of your loss, your heartbreak, your heartache.
I am here to let you know there IS the other side. There is. You just have to do the awfully difficult thing of making the CHOICE to keep:
Moving, forward.
Fighting, for freedom.
Allowing the hurt, to hurt then allowing the healing to heal.
It takes much:
TRY.
Effort.
Tears.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
Tenacity.
Resilience.
Perseverance.
Rest.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Getting to the other side of loss will cost a lot. Will cost just about everything, in fact. It will cost you:
Your, pride.
Your, isoloation.
Your, fear.
Your, masks.
Your, hiding.
Your(add as much as you like here).
Yet, the things that you lose, you shall find you NEEDED to lose, beloveds, in order to find you.
Did I really WANT to get up, to fight, to turn on some lights? Hell, no. Yet, I no longer give myself the option of doing things I want to or feel like or all other manner of excuses I used to use not to do the needed things, the necessary things, the life-affirming thing, the goal-achieving things, the love-getting things. I do them, automatically now. I:
Make, the damned chili.
Start, the dumb Smart lights.
Run the dishwasher.
Take, out the trash.
In short, I keep on keeping on. Why? Because, beloveds, I have come too damned far to stop now. As have you.
That person, you are mourning, wouldn’t want you to stay stuck, to stay, in that grief space, forever. Get away from there! Turn on the damn lights and fight for yourself as you gladly and wholeheartedly fight for others.
Turn away from the husk of the relationship that can never be, of the job you lost, the home you lost, the whatever you lost. They are gone, beloveds! Let them grow. Hurt, yes. Mourn, yes. Grieve, for a time, yes. But, then, beloveds, get on up, keep on moving, FORWARD. All that was lost is never really lost. Take the memory, enjoy the good parts, understand the not so great parts and keep it moving. You owe it to them, you owe it to YOU, to shake the dust off and make new memories.
I sit here, chair dancing, rejoicing, thinking warm thoughts of mom and dad and all those who are no longer here. I have promised them that I shall TRY, I shall LIVE, I shall LOVE, I shall keep moving, FORWARD, until I can move no longer.
Dance with me, beloveds. I dance, I rejoice for those who can’t quite muster their TRY, yet. You shall, beloveds. You shall. For those, who can, dance with me. Do it, for me. Do it, for those, who can’t dance yet.
We got this thing, called life, beloveds. We got this!
Time to turn on the music. Time to find out what is on the other side of your Christmas, just as I am finding out what is on the other side of mine.
Mom and I were yakking about you, today. I asked mom to have her mum comfort your heart. Told mom you were celebrating the 3rd birthday of your mum. Only ‘celebrating ‘ sure doesn’t sound like the appropriate word.
I asked mom to ask your mum what would be of comfort for you. I am still struggling with this being year 5 of your Christmas leaving. Tonight, I took a short jaunt and saw all houses lit with joy and family living. Drove home and found it daunting to exit the car, enter a silent home and ponder the rest of this holiday season, and beyond, without my mom. Just didn’t want to let silence have her say. Not yet.
The silence is soooooooooo loud about now. Anywho, Brita, I asked mom to ask your mum what would be of comfort. Mom said to tell you that you were and still are the love of your mum’s life. Said to tell you to be encouraged.
Be encouraged, Brita. We still sit, back to back, you and I. Across the sea. United, in solidarity. Missing mom and mum. Being loved by them, still. They are just loving us from a different place.
Take comfort, beloved, Brita. Knowing the gift of you blessed your mum so much when she was here. As you move, about your day, you may have felt a breeze that gently caressed your cheek. The breeze of a mum’s heart of love, for her beloved.
I won’t do my usual and tell you to keep going. Sit awhile. Rest a bit. I shall make some chili, eh? We shall eat together and speak fondly of mom and mum, shall we?
Won’t share the lie time heals all wounds. Time will, though, ease the heaviness, in, well, time. Til then, I watch your back.
This week has been bitter sweet. I have dreamed much of mom, for some reason. The visits are nice. But, makes the waking and living of the rest of the day, a bit tough.
I have been reliving the last gesture I made towards mom. I was standing over her hospital bed, watching her in so much pain, while feeling like such an awful daughter, for not being able to relieve her pain.
Alas, I have spent decades, in fact, trying to ease the pain, of others. Not wanting them to have to know what not feeling wanted, or needed, or valued, or cherished, or heard, or loved, or all the other ‘ors’, the majority feels, yet runs from.
Watching her pain, wishing it were my own, I took her hand, in mine, leaned down close, gently kissed her forehead. I lingered over that kiss for an eternity. I forced that moment to BE an eternity, sensing, knowing, it would be the last gesture, the last touch, the last bit of mom, I would ever take with me.
The night before, I lay beside her, lay my head, on her tummy, wondering how many more times I would find this comforting space. I think I knew…*sigh*…last tummy laying on gesture.
A few hours, before the tummy hug, mom and I had played Gin Rummy. My back had been killing me. I needed to go somewhere and lay down. I refused to, not knowing if this would be our last card playing moment. Surely not as mom wiped the floor with me!…*gasp*…surely life dare not leave me with no chance to even the score. Mom’s smirk, her triumphantly spreading of her winning hand WAS the last card gesture.
Hours before the last card playing, before the last tummy hug, before the last hand hold, before the last forehead kiss, God and Life told me to drop what I was doing and be there for mom’s latest surgery.
The weather report was really bad. A winter storm was coming. I had just enough room to make it home. The winds howled their sadness.
“Hurry”, the winds said. “You won’t have much time with your mom. The snow is coming! Hurry! We asked if she could hold back. Alas, the snow said life must do what it must and she had to come”.
I dropped everything. It was my last daughter’s gesture, to let mom know she was important enough to stop the world for. My world, at least. For, mom WAS my world. My dreams began, then ended, or so I thought, with her.
Coming, full circle, I found myself standing over mom’s bed, taking her hand, kissing her forehead, a last gesture of love. From, me, to mom. I took that gesture, my last gesture, with me.
That last gesture helped me fight my way through the snowstorm that showed up on the drive home.
The winds howled, the snow fell, recklessly. The car shook violently. It took everything to keep the car on the road. The elements mirrored what was in my heart: A violent shaking, a rage quacking, a silent scream that dare not rise, to the surface, to join the snow and howling, raging winds.
I needed to get home safely. I made it home. I made it through the snowstorm. Yet, I find the snowstorm, within, is still raging a bit, I think. May be why I have not been able to sleep much.
I couldn’t figure out why. Until now. I couldn’t understand why, til now, I had been dreaming of mom.
I think she has been trying to let me know that my holding of her hand, my kiss upon her forehead, my laying on her tummy, my dropping all to go see her was all she needed. I wasn’t a miracle worker. Just her daughter. All I could give her was my gestures, my love and hope they were enough. They were.
They were!
I find the storm within, has quieted. Subdued by the knowledge my TRY was all God and Life and mom has ever asked of me.
I tell myself, my posse of one, that it’s ok.
It is.
Now, those gestures are the fuel that drives me. Drives me to cherish and LIVE every moment. Not knowing which will be or not be a last moment, a last gesture, THE last gesture.
EVERY moment is the last gesture, as far as I am concerned.
Life is short, beloveds. We are not promised a million moments, a thousand last gestures. Best make the most of your moments, your gestures, beloveds. Make them count. Make them last the best you can.
If I would have but one last moment, one last gesture towards you, it would be to say this:
Your life matters. YOU matter. Your life was worth the death of a King. You are priceless. You are worthy. You are resilient. You are a fighter. You are unique. You are loved. By God. By Life. By me. Life is short but long enough to make a difference.
Say.
Live.
Love.
Go now, beloveds. Hurry, says the wind. You know not when the snowstorm will come. It is coming. Before it reaches you, get in those last gestures. You can start with me, if you so choose. Christmas is coming for me. Without mom. Maybe someone will have room in their pocket for me.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 