Whew. Whew!
Christmas, has come.
Christmas, has gone.
A week, I would dearly love, to forget.
A week, in which I:
Gave up.
Refused, to give up.
Gave up….again!
Refused, to give up…again!
Hid, in bed.
Made myself get out of bed…again!
Hid, in bed.
Made myself, get out of bed…again!
Turned my back on my TRY. Told TRY to kick rocks! Don’t you know my mama dead??!
Made myself TRY…again!
Turned my back on my TRY. Told TRY to kick rocks!! Don’t you know I am alone, my words won’t change a damn thing in world who could give two damns anyway!!?
Made myself TRY…again!
I turned off, my music, my relaxing ocean videos, my chili making, my coffee drinking, my keep on keeping on, my TRY, my hope, my joy. My. My, o, my, beloveds, I turned my back, on me. Just let Grief take over. I allowed her, Grief, to unpack, make herself comfortable and make demands upon me, upon my TRY.
Grief told me to just go on ahead and let life have it’s way. No need, to TRY. No need, to hope. No need, to reach out, for support. No need, to lean on God and Life, to help me get through the impossible.
For days, I listened to Grief. I let her have ALL the say. Lights, out. Life, out.
Yet, I found, I just have, too much TRY, inside. I have, too much joy, inside. I have, too much mom, inside. I have, too much God and Life, inside. I have, too much music, inside. I have too many yipppees, inside.
Try, said: Cassandra, TRY!
Joys said: Cassandra, rejoice!
Moms said: Keep going!
God said: Keep going, beloved!
Life, said: Keep going, beloved!
Music, said: Sing, Cassandra! Dance, Cassandra!
Yippee, said: Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeee!
I, said: I will.
*Cassandra turns on the lights, turns on the music, turns on her TRY, turns on her heart, turns on her joy, turns on her yipppees and prepares to make her now famous chili*.
It’s time, beloveds. To move, forward. It’s time, beloveds, to actually LIVE, move and have our being on the OTHER side of Christmas. Now, I don’t know what your ‘Christmas’ is. I have no idea what has devastated your life to the place and point where you feel like giving up, feel like giving in. Feel as though you will NEVER make it to the OTHER side of your loss, your heartbreak, your heartache.
I am here to let you know there IS the other side. There is. You just have to do the awfully difficult thing of making the CHOICE to keep:
Moving, forward.
Fighting, for freedom.
Allowing the hurt, to hurt then allowing the healing to heal.
It takes much:
TRY.
Effort.
Tears.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
Tenacity.
Resilience.
Perseverance.
Rest.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Getting to the other side of loss will cost a lot. Will cost just about everything, in fact. It will cost you:
Your, pride.
Your, isoloation.
Your, fear.
Your, masks.
Your, hiding.
Your(add as much as you like here).
Yet, the things that you lose, you shall find you NEEDED to lose, beloveds, in order to find you.
Did I really WANT to get up, to fight, to turn on some lights? Hell, no. Yet, I no longer give myself the option of doing things I want to or feel like or all other manner of excuses I used to use not to do the needed things, the necessary things, the life-affirming thing, the goal-achieving things, the love-getting things. I do them, automatically now. I:
Make, the damned chili.
Start, the dumb Smart lights.
Run the dishwasher.
Take, out the trash.
In short, I keep on keeping on. Why? Because, beloveds, I have come too damned far to stop now. As have you.
That person, you are mourning, wouldn’t want you to stay stuck, to stay, in that grief space, forever. Get away from there! Turn on the damn lights and fight for yourself as you gladly and wholeheartedly fight for others.
Turn away from the husk of the relationship that can never be, of the job you lost, the home you lost, the whatever you lost. They are gone, beloveds! Let them grow. Hurt, yes. Mourn, yes. Grieve, for a time, yes. But, then, beloveds, get on up, keep on moving, FORWARD. All that was lost is never really lost. Take the memory, enjoy the good parts, understand the not so great parts and keep it moving. You owe it to them, you owe it to YOU, to shake the dust off and make new memories.
I sit here, chair dancing, rejoicing, thinking warm thoughts of mom and dad and all those who are no longer here. I have promised them that I shall TRY, I shall LIVE, I shall LOVE, I shall keep moving, FORWARD, until I can move no longer.
Dance with me, beloveds. I dance, I rejoice for those who can’t quite muster their TRY, yet. You shall, beloveds. You shall. For those, who can, dance with me. Do it, for me. Do it, for those, who can’t dance yet.
We got this thing, called life, beloveds. We got this!
Time to turn on the music. Time to find out what is on the other side of your Christmas, just as I am finding out what is on the other side of mine.
I shall see you on the other side…
singing again,
Cassandra
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
- IT ME!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 