Even though folks and life were not good to you, then.
Don’t use their then, to cause you to be bad to you, to your, now.
Be good to your now, now.
Don’t wait until tomorrow, or until others, are good to you, now.
Right now, in your now, be good to you.
Dare not dismiss you, now, because others dismissed you, then.
That was THEIR problem, THEIR sorrow, not meant for you to borrow and take into your today.
Be good to you, now. No matter what happened, way back when.
Back then, they knew you not. And, now, is ALL that you have got. Do yourself a favor, beloved…
Be good to you, now.
being good to me,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: It can be so easy, can’t it, to dismiss ourselves, our hopes, our dreams because we have felt the dismissal of others? The very reason I am on here, tonight, is in hopes of letting folk know to be good to themselves NO MATTER WHAT!
The world will have it’s way, then we shall have our say. What will your say be? Let it be one where you let yourself know how very much you matter.
I just needed to take a moment to thank You, for being my second set of hands.
Life can be such a metaphor, at times,can’t it? Sitting here, clumsily trying to ply together, tape and metal and plastic.
Losing. Losing. Losing. Wondering, where was my help. Wondering, where were you, I began to think on all the ways, here lately, that You have been my second set of hands.
You were My Hands, really, when mom passed away. Clumsily, noisily, unsuccessfully, I tried, again and again, to stitch together a heart that was now in a billion pieces.
God, You were there, through so many frustrating moments, through so many lonely moments, through so many broken moments.
Each time, God, You encouraged me to keep on trying. You stayed close enough to act as a second set of hands, but only when and as needed.
Thank You, God, for believing in me. Believing in me enough to allow me to dig, to fight, to grow, to show, myself, the world, that I COULD make it.
And, when I couldn’t, or thought I shouldn’t, You were there. My Second Set Of Hands. Breaking open for me only in case of emergencies…*smile*.
I wanted tater tots, today. Have not had any in years.
Rushed to the freezer and took out the package of tater tots I have been saving for a special occasion.
What was special about today? Absolutely nothing.
Tore into the bag, dump a bunch of frozen, delish looking tater tots into the pan,slap them into the cooler, set the timer and wait for halfway, so I could turn over them delish snacks and have some tasty, crispy tater tots!!
YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!
*foreboding, foreshadowing music could be heard coming closer and closer*
At halfway’s end, I rush to turn over the delish tater tots. Except, however, nevertheless, said tater tots did not feel like turning over.
We, argued.
Loudly.
Vehemently.
Indignantly.
Alas, it appears the tater tots had won. For, there they lay, in a triumphant heap, taunting me, daring me to affix them into the tasty, golden, cylindrical potatoes spears they ought be.
I tried.
Indignantly.
Vehemently.
Loudly.
Finally, bowing in defeat, I looked at those dammned, mashed up, non cylindrical potatoes. Partially golden, and had but one thought…
They are STILL potatoes!
Ha!
Armed, with truth and ketchup, I devoured the ugly sitting in one sitting.
Ah.
Tasty.
Moral of the story, this story, beloveds?
When life hands you mashed up tater tots, slather them puppies with ketchup and have at it.
It’s STILL potatoes, you see. Yea, I currently am typing these words whilst wearing tore up glasses. Yet, I write. STILL.
As for tomorrow, I shall make an appointment to get some new glasses. Til then, my belly is full.
My glasses finally went ahead and gave up the ghost, today. Broken in too many places for just one set of hands to hold and repair, at once.
Alas, I need a second set of hands, to help me tape up broken glasses long in need of replacement.
I feel like these glasses, today:
Broken.
Old.
In need, of a second set of hands to help repair what has been broken for a long time.
I have a need, needs, in fact, that I can no longer repair, on my own.
When I was young, I had to wear broken glasses, to school. Yea, you know how cruel kids can be…*sigh*.
Tonight, as I struggle to tape up these damned glasses, I feel like that young girl:
Embarrassed.
Alone.
I think of that young girl, and tell her not to get down on herself. I tell her that she is priceless, no matter the brokenness of her eyewear.
I tell her that she will be okay.
I look upon myself, through bleary, teary eyes and tell myself not to get down on myself. I tell myself that I am priceless, broken glasses notwithstanding.
I ask God and Life, for another set of hands. I wonder what Their answer might be.
Some days, beloveds, you just have to declare a thing.
For those not into Marvel Movies, I shall have to take a moment to explain what I mean. In the meantime, what the hell the matter with yall?!!!😱…*gasp*.
Not to give out spoilers but Thanos was the mightiest, the baddest, the what the fresh hell is this villain in the entire universe.
Long story short, if he was able to gather 6 Infinity Stones, he would be able to snap his finger and get rid of half of all living people, creatures and things.
Longer story made shorter, Thanos got the stones, dammit, snapped his damned fingers, and POOF, mom and half the entire world was gone.
Okay, mom died in 2016 but she may well have been half the entire universe. She was my universe, anyway.
After Thanos, snapped his fingers, and caused half the world to disappear, with no warning, the other half was left reeling, wandering, wondering, wth, wtf, what in the fresh hell were the rest of all to DO WITH THE REST OF THEIR LIVES?!!😱😱
Which leads me to today, this writing, these words.
For 6 years, I have been fighting to find the other half:
Of, me.
Of, life.
Of, peace.
Of, laughter.
Of, what matters.
There are simply times, beloveds, when life, when the world has seemingly, cruelly, finally, irrevocably, snapped it’s fingers and wiped away half, if not all of what mattered to you the most.
There are many, many, many things I have been forced to learn, AFTER the snap. Things, I am still learning.
This may seem strange, but I no longer fear the snap, when it comes, still, from time to time, to snatch away something I held dear.
With each snap, I found:
My, voice.
My, resolve.
My, true feelings.
My, hidden feelings.
I also found the things that were holding me back:
My, fears.
My, pride.
My, stubborn perceptions.
My, I can do this all by myself cape.
My, walls.
Yea, beloveds, each loss became my gain. I was beginning to see, to meet, to fight for…me!
YYYAAAAAAAASSSS!
Not today, Thanos! You did NOT defeat me, today.
Spoiler alert, non Marvel Universe fans…smh…what is WRONG WITH YALL?!…*gasp*: The Avengers, that being Ironman, was able to get the stones back, was able to snap HIS fingers, and avenged the world, taking Thanos and his minions with him.
Morale of the story, beloveds?
When Thanos, when life, when circumstances, snaps its fingers and snatches half of your world…
Stand, fast.
Keep, fighting.
Keep, believing.
As, when the dust clears, what will be left is…YOU!
You shall recover. You shall make it. You shall be the better for having lived through, fought through, fought with Thanos and won.
In the interim, tell fear, tell despair, tell discouragement…
BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE. ❣️💟💕💞💓💗💛🧡🖤💙💚🤍🩶🤎💜❤️❤️🩹💖💝💘💘🧩🧸 Beloveds, You can have MY flowers. I don’t need them anymore. 🌹🌷🌻 No, really. Take them. Take every last one. Give them to somebody who can smell them. Give them to somebody who can hold them. Give them to somebody who needs to … Continue reading BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.→
God: Forgive him. Me: He said some terribly hurtful words. God: I know. Do this for me. Me: He said some blatantly racist things to his supposed friend!!🥾😡 God: I know. Forgive for they know not what they do. Me: He KNEW. HE CHOSE THOSE AWFUL WORDS!!😠✋️ God: How will he ever learn and grow … Continue reading Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me→
Good morning! I love my new avatar!! Now I can express me!!! Two issues: I’m almost out of free space and will have to upgrade this week. Secondly, I have been sick enough to have upcoming surgery and to take a full week off to rest. Yet, my heart won’t let me quit you, beloveds. … Continue reading Still In Love→
REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS. 👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢 Beloveds, Real talk. Despise not small beginnings. “For who hath despised the day of small things?”— Zechariah 4:10 KJV I want to talk about your hard. Not motivational-poster hard. Not the kind somebody can wrap up in three sentences and put underneath a pretty picture of a … Continue reading REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢→
Beloveds, Before there was a blog, there was me. I need to start there. Because if I’m going to introduce myself—really introduce myself—I don’t want to begin with a website. I don’t want to begin with something that happened to me. I don’t want to begin with a list of things I have survived, things … Continue reading IT ME!→
IT IS FINISHED. BUT BELOVEDS, WE ARE NOT. ❤️🩹🌎 For Mom.For Wombie.For every person in this world carrying the name of somebody they love who is no longer here. Beloveds, Before I say anything else, I need to say two names that don’t belong to a sermon. Mom. Wombie. Before there was Why Can’t I … Continue reading IT IS FINISHED. BUT BELOVEDS, WE ARE NOT. ❤️🩹🌎→
💙📫 ONE LAST POSTCARD — LOVE SOMEBODY NOW Beloveds, My mother died on Christmas morning in 2016. Before she died, we had plans. We were supposed to take a vacation together in March. I was going to show her my new car. I was so sure we had time. We never got that chance. We … Continue reading LAST ONE. FRFR!→
The shame/guilt/anger/hurt/pain/insert word has subsided.
Don’t wait til you are:
Dressed, to the nines.
Feeling, fine.
Are now, polished and shined.
Let them see your heart, beloved.
ALL of it:
The, hurting part.
The, shameful part.
The, unwelcome part.
The, outrageous part.
The, loud part.
The, silent part.
The, grieving part.
The, raging part.
The, unacceptable part.
The, accepted part.
The, coward part.
The, awkward part.
The, socially unacceptable part.
The, uncomfortable part.
Let them see your heart, beloved.
Your heart IS worthy of the love of others. Let them in. Let them see you. Let them hear you. ALL of you.
For, you see, beloved, if all that YOU see, if all you will allow the world to see, is the ‘acceptable’ part(s), when will you EVER feel or be accepted, by anyone, including YOU, on days, in moments, at times when you don’t feel, when you may not be acting ‘acceptable’?
Your heart IS worthy, beloved. Simply because…you are.
So much so that each second of each minute of each hour of each moment has gotten louder and louder so much so I could not sleep last night.
The sound of my heart grows louder, today.
Today is mom’s birthday.
So much so that all commas have fled all rational thought have left all hope for a quiet restful mom bday day have gone.
Today is mom’s birthday.
The sound of my heart has grown thunderous, today.
It shouts never ever for all time eternity shall you see mom’s smile or lay on her tummy which has your world commaless and upside down since her passing.
Today, is mom’s birthday.
The sound of my heart beats with four words, today.
Today, is mom’s birthday.
I don’t know what to do with the sound of my heart. She won’t be still. She won’t be silent. She shouts into the heavens and asks why she can not be with her mom there today.
Today…
Is…
Mom’s…
Birthday…
Rest in peace, mom. He has you now. He holds you now.
Mom, who shall hold me, now? Who, has me, now? Asking for a friend.
Have been a big girl, all week, for weeks. Being about it, encouraging folk, working hard, praying for all beloveds even though I have not blogged, outloud.
Weirdly, I have been blogging, in my heart. Sharing, yet not. Not wanting to intrude my sad mom feelings upon folks. Folks have their own lives, their own things to deal with.
I want to celebrate her life. I want to remember all the good times. I want to remember her smile. I want to remember that she really did believe in me. I want to remember all she meant to my life.
I have to work tomorrow. Fitting. Will have to work to pretend that all is well so folks can keep doing some them and I won’t have to feel embarrassed about no one having the energy or want to to have to do them some sad me. Embarrassing.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 