If I were to be honest, though, I would admit that I am a bit afraid to rejoice.
My yippppees got to doing their yippppeees and I began to rock and chair dance.
I yippppeeeed, right alongside my yipppeeess until the thought crossed my mind:
“What if I heard You wrong?”
“What if it’s not MY turn?”
You see, so many times, I thought I had heard a yes and would get myself all fired up only to find out that the phone never rang, the doorbell never chimed, the email never entered the inbox, the text never came.
Yet, my heart knew for sure HE had said yes.
Over the years, the last three, in fact, He and I have gotten so close that I now understand that HE was, is and ever shall be My Answer.
He IS MY Yes!
YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Now, I no longer look for His ‘blessings’ to affirm me. Growing up, it was basically understood, in church speak, that if you do this, that and the other God would ‘bless you’. Now, I did things for Him and others because I loved Him and them. Yet, I would rush to get my treats and would be soooooooo disappointed.
Disappointed, not in Him, but in ME. I MUST be doing something. Or, I must NOT be doing something. Or, I must have DONE something and was having said blessings withheld as some type of punishment or lesson. Or, both.
Thankfully, He, My Awesome Father, My Relentless Pursuer, chased me down and loved me until I saw myself as He saw me.
He loves me.
Period.
End of discussion.
Yes, He gets disappointed, at times, when I do something especially dumb which costs me time, money, starting at square one yada yada what the world wrong with you Cassandra type dumbness.
Even then, He continued to love me.
Eventually, I learned He did not, does not, will not dole out His Love in increments as I do this, that and the other thing. He loves me because He IS Love and Love just loves. Period.
Today, just a bit ago, I could have sworn I heard Him say ‘yes’ to some things I have been asking for many a decade.
Now, I can either trust in His Character, in His Deep and Abiding Love for me. Or, I can keep my yipppeees in check and pretend I didn’t hear what I KNOW I heard, deep inside. That way, I can pretend so when disappointment comes I won’t be as disappointed.
HMMMMM.
HA!
To hooey with that!
*Cassandra ushers doubt out the door and proceeds to twirl around her apartment*
Ow!!
*Cassandra discreetly extricates herself from the closet and removes the flamingo pink undies now gracing her head in such an ungracious fashion. Head tipped back and roared with laughter. Feet got to tapping with joy. Smile asked lips to open wide. Arms stretched themselves to the heavens the folded shoulders in a lovely embrace*
Ah.
Aha!
dreaming whilst waiting,
Cassandra #YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Do NOT be afraid to dream, beloveds. Life is short. Do NOT allow yourself to squelch the yippppeeess welling up in you as you contemplate your own secret dreams. Whisper them to Him. He hears you.
Love does not love depending on what you give her.
Love just loves.
Period.
Love does not require you to jump through 50 strings to entertain her.
Love just loves.
Period.
Love could care less about what car you drive.
Love just loves.
Period.
Love could care less what your address is.
Love just loves.
Period.
Love could give two figs about what tribe you are from.
Love just loves.
Period.
Love could not be bothered about what beliefs you may hold about her.
Love just loves.
Period.
Folks are forever trying to earn love.
Although, love appreciates being considered, love will continue to love regardless of the condition she may find herself in.
The bible says this about love:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Now, some folks get it twisted thinking they can treat love any old kind of way and think love will stick around and put up with foolishness.
No maam/sir, love will tip it’s cap and move on to folks who will nurture and respect it/her. Love puts up with our foolishness knowing we are human and prone to be especially foolish when it comes to love…smh.
Folk think true love can be bought.
It can’t.
Some think true love can be conned.
She can’t.
Some believe true love can be manipulated.
She ain’t about that manipulation life.
Love, gives.
Love, rejoices.
Love, is hopeful.
Love will do all in it’s, in her power, to make sure you are covered.
When you come upon love, TRUE love, honor it, honor her.
And, don’t take it/her lightly.
Love her back.
Love her with all you have and watch love change your life.
Ah, love.
Thank you, for loving me.
Ah, Love, thank You, for loving me, through Your Precious, Son.
Ah, Love, thank You, for giving up Your Life, for me.
Ah, Life, thank you, for allowing love to find me.
Ah, love.
I love me some you.
For those, in need of love, call her. She shall come.
Of course, the person I assisted, just before him, was as not nice as could possibly be. I had to take a break and count to 10. I REFUSED to allow one person and THEIR horrid attitude, transfer to me so I could transfer it down the line.
Nope.
Nope.
No way.
The last few days have been unsettling. I was not unsettled. Yet, felt like something was trying to get all up in my peace and discomfit and discombobulate me. I could not quite put my finger on what it was. I told myself I was not upset. Told myself I was not afraid. Told myself I was NOT anxious. Yet, my spirit was all antsy and thangs.
So much so, I grabbed the last of the cookie dough and made the most scrumptious chocolate chip cookies in the wide world.
Nothing wrong with making cookies. The problem was old habits was trying to bribe new habits with cookies and invited lazy to come along.
Lazy said, ‘let’s go’ and took off with age and longing. Like a goof, I allowed myself to be suckered. Truly, I was tired and just did NOT have the fight to tug the end of the string to see what/why I was antsy.
So, I compromised and let lazy, old habits, old and antsy have the rest of the evening. I told intention to kick some rocks and buried my heart in a fantastic British TV series.
I then fought the night which beat the holy crapola outta me for being chicken and not handling my life business. Man, not only was night peeved but day kicked me all up in my hind end and told me I had best get some act right, today.
Today!
Right now!
Sheesh. After getting hollered at by day, I took two seats and began to pull on the string of my antsy.
I tugged.
I yanked.
I fussed.
I tugged.
Yanked harder.
Until, some leftover anxiety came tumbling out.
Aha!
I see you!
Escorting anxiety outside, I cranked up some music and got about being about it. It was only until I had turned on my music did I realize I had also been a moron and forgotten to turn on my music.
Anxiety think it is slick. It will hide, innocently, in all manner of things and ways. Particularly, in the dark. Yea, boyz, anxiety dived under the couch as soon as I had enough good sense to shine the light on what was going on AROUND me. Anxiety had not yet gotten in. I have learned to be quicker about dealing with pride so I can get to the SOURCE and deal with my antsy.
So thankful I did. Anxiety, being all ticked off, tried to attack me through this person I was trying to help with their issue. Cut up something awful. Took care of their need as best as I could which apparently was NOT good enough for them.
Told my boss I needed to ‘take ten’ and took some breaths. Got back after it and had fantastic time taking care of the next need.
“You are the sunset to my day, Cassandra”.
How awesome.
Now, what if I had allowed the person, before, to upset me to the point where I messed up with THIS interaction? Would have missed being someone’s sunset. Missed having him be MY sunset. What a wonderful experience.
Life is short. And, built on moments and memories. I could have let someone else’s unpleasantness seep into my day. Not! Ha!
We are tested.
EVERY day.
Every one.
The point is NOT the test.
The point is how we respond, grow and keep it moving.
Not only how we grow but in what manner.
We grow up or grow angry/discouraged/hateful/harmful yada yada yada.
I choose to continue to grow up, to grow UP, to grow out of, to grow into, to grow in spite of, to grow despite.
Ah.
Aha!
Grow!
Go now, beloveds, and follow it to the end.
Who knows?
You may, yourself, turn out to be the sunset in someone’s day.
That’s what I thought as I gazed at a beautiful aerial view of Maui on the television.
Yet, for the first time, I did not imagine myself THERE. I enjoyed the view while enjoying my coffee HERE. I did not gaze upon that beautiful scenery and wish I were somewhere else.
I was content.
Here.
Right, here.
Right, here, in the place where I had been so restless, of late.
I had been seeking to get somewhere.
Somewhere.
Drinking my coffee, gazing at those awesomely beautiful views, I realized I WAS already THERE.
With, Him.
Here.
Home.
Sharing a cup of coffee.
Marveling, with Him, over the works of His Hands.
Ah, said I, to Him.
Aha, said He, back to me.
Together, in silence, we enjoyed the quietness of the day.
Where is the question marks, in your replay, said He.
You are The One Who asked, why should it be up to me to end the sentence correctly.
Ah, said He.
Aha, replied I.
God: What about YOU?
Me: I have no idea. I have not considered me. Much. Have been taught to not inquire about the things I desire, want and need.
God: Taught these things by ME?
Me: I never thought much about that.
God: Think on these things. Were you taught to never consider yourself by ME?
Me: Well, now that You ask, not really. Okay, so, no.
God: Who then taught you not to consider yourself?
Me: Life.
God: Was it really Life who taught you these things?
Me: I never thought much about that.
God: Think on these things. Were you taught to never consider yourself by Life?
Me: Not really. Okay, so no.
God: Who then taught you not to consider yourself?
Me:(hesitantly now). My parents?
God: Is that your answer or a question?
Me: I am not so sure.
God: Think on these things. Were you taught never to consider yourself by your parents?
Me: Not really. By their examples, maybe. Yet, not in actual words. Mom did her best to feed the world. Dad talked to any and everybody and ‘never met a stranger’ in his words. So, not really. no.
God: Who, then, taught you not to consider yourself?
Me: The world???
God: Is that your answer or another question?
Me: I’m no longer sure.
God: Consider these things. Were you taught never to consider yourself by the world?
Me: Not really. In fact, the world tends to applaud and approve on folks being selfish and only considering themselves. So, again, I don’t think I was taught this by the world.
God: Who, then, taught you never to consider yourself?
*Peering over God’s Shoulder, Cassandra could see the culprit, plain as day, staring coldly and dismissively at her. Angrily, Cassandra whispered in God’s Ear to turn around. Turning, slowly, God gazed with compassion on one who had been costing His Daughter dearly. He had compassion.*
God: What will you do with this knowledge?
Me: I will do better. I will consider me.
God: What will you do to the culprit.
Me: I shall forgive them for they knew not what they were doing to me.
God: Ah.
Me: Aha!
God: What about you?
Me: We will see.
*Cassandra gave God a hug then turned to leave the room. Taking one last look, in the mirror, Cassandra said but two words*
Which is why I had stopped cooking, for years, because it reminded me of mom.
Over time, I made myself get back in the kitchen. I needed to be reminded of mom. So I could be with her. So I could love her, in a new way.
She taught us how to cook.
Taught us how to clean, as we cooked, so as not to have a huge pile of dishes and mess when the food was done.
Great life lessons. Learning how to do, as the day gets on, so as not to have a huge mess to clean once the day ends….lol….
She made the best meat.
The kitchen, full of wonderful smells, beckoned me.
It took a long time, years, to get back to cooking. ‘Cept meat. Took quite a while to gather up the courage to cook meat. I detest meat that is under seasoned. Yep, hate, hate, hate under seasoned meat. So much so I hesitated to make it at all. I reasoned I did not want to waste said meat. So, I would make other things and long for some well-prepared meat. Went out for that.
Until, food prices were just too high to warrant eating out.
Drumming up some courage, I began to prepare different meat. Sure enough, some days I under seasoned. Other times, I over did it. Crap! Over time, I learned to get it ‘just so’.
Ah.
Until, life got to being life and I stopped cooking for a time. Sure enough, that dreaded meat fear, popped up. Told fear to go on head and take two seats and prepared the meal.
Well, fresh hockey sticks!
UNDER seasoned.
Phooey.
I called my big sis and told her my dilemma. She told me all I had to do was season it until I smelled the seasoning. She explained how meat is dense and you can’t be afraid to give it a good smattering of this, of that and of the other thing.
Sure enough, I got to dusting, powdering and getting seasoning on everything, including said meat.
Ah.
Aha!
Felt like mom had entered. The kitchen smelled of wonderfully tasty and remembered goodness. Felt like a mom hug….*hugs self*.
I can tastefully and tastefully advise that I am happily munching on a scrumptious Italian Sausage and Cheese pressed sandwich, as we speak. Yummers…*hugs self*.
Thanks, mom. Lunch is ready.
Gotsta go, my peeps. I got lunch waiting for me and mom.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 