Shoulders, heavy from burden after burden after burden.
Eyes, stinging, red from ceaseless tears.
Heart, shattered, broken, in ten thousand pieces.
Here, I sit, among burdened shoulders, peering through the darkness, eyes straining, tired from ceaseless, never ending teardrops, heart shattered, broken, in ten thousand pieces, with a smile on my face, a song on my lips, arms outstretched towards heaven thankful for the day that contains my breath, my life, still.
STILL!
I dance, still.
I write, still.
I laugh, still.
I love, still.
I try, still.
Even, in the darkness.
Even, carrying these burdens, these tears.
Even, walking this path alone, in the darkness, yet not, alone.
I sit here, in the darkness, swaying, ever so slightly, rocking, ever so gently, for those not yet able to chair dance, in the light.
So, beloved, beloveds, I say WITH you, in your darkness, with you, for you, til you can sway, every so slowly, in the light.
Hoping, maybe, one, then another, may begin to rock with me, ever so quiet, your tears, mingling with my tears, waiting for others to come along, in silent solidarity, in silent triumph and song, til we have started a chair dance that shall wrap the world with our love, with our care.
If you are feeling burdened, it’s okay. I got you. God and Life has us all.
Rest now, beloveds. Lay down your heavy heart(s).
Come, be ministered to.
Receive, rest.
Rest, yea, even in the darkness. For, even in the darkest night there IS light. Can you see it?
Took a long time, beloveds, for me to learn some me, accept some me, receive some me, believe in some me, hope for some me.
For so long, you see, just me, just being me, didn’t appear to be enough for this world, for circumstances, for situations, for others, for jobs, for other races, for any and all men.
For so very long, I would not allow me to be enough, for me. I mistakenly believed I had to be this, do that, give this, have that, to be seen, loved, valued, honored, cared for.
I cry, as I write these next words. Through tears, I freely, gladly, joyfully admit that I didn’t even believe that I ever was, never could be, enough for God, for Life, for a man, for friends, for a ‘decent’ job. I accepted scraps to be eaten by the grateful for any scrap me.
Yes, the world whispered these lies to me. Yea, the enemy(for Christian folk like me the enemy name is satan) shouted these lies to me on an endless loop. Absolutely, people, circumstances and situations reminded me daily of these lies.
Sadly, I repeated their refrain, added many more of my own. Mixed them all until there was not much of me except the hard working, encourager, encouraging, strong person I thought was me.
Until, One, Who IS Love, gave His All, His Life, His Blood, for me. For, me!
Yet, I had been so ashamed, of being me, I couldn’t fully receive, see or accept His Love, His Care, for me. I had soooooo much live for the world, for others, yet had little, to none to spare for me.
It was only through the relentless love, of My Relentless Love, God, and Life that I was able, FINALLY, to receive, love, accept, respect, care for, rejoice for, stand up for and stand by…me.
Me.
Me!
ME!!
YYYYYYAAAAAAAASSS!
I didn’t know my own strength!
Only God knows how many moments I wanted to walk away, from me. He wouldn’t let me.
Thank You, God. For, not giving up, on me.
Thank you, Life. For, not giving up, on me.
Thank you, family. For, not giving up, on me.
Thank you, friends. For, not giving up, on me.
Thank you, beloveds. For, not giving up, on me.
Thank you, me. For, not giving up.
It is my heartfelt prayer that every heart can and will know he/she/they are seen, heard, loved and cherished.
You are not alone.
Be encouraged.
Light/love WILL drive out the darkness. And, even in darkness God and Life can see and is there with you til you can see/be.
BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE. ❣️💟💕💞💓💗💛🧡🖤💙💚🤍🩶🤎💜❤️❤️🩹💖💝💘💘🧩🧸 Beloveds, You can have MY flowers. I don’t need them anymore. 🌹🌷🌻 No, really. Take them. Take every last one. Give them to somebody who can smell them. Give them to somebody who can hold them. Give them to somebody who needs to … Continue reading BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.→
God: Forgive him. Me: He said some terribly hurtful words. God: I know. Do this for me. Me: He said some blatantly racist things to his supposed friend!!🥾😡 God: I know. Forgive for they know not what they do. Me: He KNEW. HE CHOSE THOSE AWFUL WORDS!!😠✋️ God: How will he ever learn and grow … Continue reading Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me→
Good morning! I love my new avatar!! Now I can express me!!! Two issues: I’m almost out of free space and will have to upgrade this week. Secondly, I have been sick enough to have upcoming surgery and to take a full week off to rest. Yet, my heart won’t let me quit you, beloveds. … Continue reading Still In Love→
REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS. 👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢 Beloveds, Real talk. Despise not small beginnings. “For who hath despised the day of small things?”— Zechariah 4:10 KJV I want to talk about your hard. Not motivational-poster hard. Not the kind somebody can wrap up in three sentences and put underneath a pretty picture of a … Continue reading REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢→
Beloveds, Before there was a blog, there was me. I need to start there. Because if I’m going to introduce myself—really introduce myself—I don’t want to begin with a website. I don’t want to begin with something that happened to me. I don’t want to begin with a list of things I have survived, things … Continue reading IT ME!→
IT IS FINISHED. BUT BELOVEDS, WE ARE NOT. ❤️🩹🌎 For Mom.For Wombie.For every person in this world carrying the name of somebody they love who is no longer here. Beloveds, Before I say anything else, I need to say two names that don’t belong to a sermon. Mom. Wombie. Before there was Why Can’t I … Continue reading IT IS FINISHED. BUT BELOVEDS, WE ARE NOT. ❤️🩹🌎→
💙📫 ONE LAST POSTCARD — LOVE SOMEBODY NOW Beloveds, My mother died on Christmas morning in 2016. Before she died, we had plans. We were supposed to take a vacation together in March. I was going to show her my new car. I was so sure we had time. We never got that chance. We … Continue reading LAST ONE. FRFR!→
💙📫 A POSTCARD FOR YOU: DON’T GIVE UP YET Beloveds, DON’T GIVE UP YET! I don’t know who needs this little postcard today, but I’m sending it anyway. Don’t give up yet. Not because I can promise you everything is about to become easy. I can’t. Not because I know exactly what you’re carrying. I … Continue reading DON’T GIVE UP YET!→
AFTER MIDNIGHT — WHAT ALL OF THIS WAS ABOUT 🌎❤️🔥 Beloveds, Tonight we went a long way around to arrive at something that has actually been here all along. Why Can’t I Be Loud? was never simply about being loud. It was about having a voice. It was about refusing to let this world decide … Continue reading AFTER MIDNIGHT — WHAT ALL OF THIS WAS ABOUT 🌎❤️🔥→
😂🎤 SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO LAUGH Beloveds, Listen. Sometimes there is a lesson. Sometimes there is a testimony. Sometimes there is something that makes me stop, think, pray, cry, or look at the world a little differently. And sometimes? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 IT’S JUST FUNNY. That’s it. That’s the post. 😂 I love comedy. I love … Continue reading 🤣😂🥰😍→
The world, your foes, your circumstances and situations are bowing, to YOU, to your fight, to your never say never, to your kick some rockness, to your faith, to your tenacity!
You go!
Take, your bow.
Lift up, your head and look around at ALL you have overcome, at all you are yet defeating.
Go on ahead, with your bad self!
Do, a chair dance.
Strut, your stuff.
Admire, your scars. For, they are a sign you have battled the beast, thrown hands with your foes and you are here, STILL, beloveds!
YOU GO!!!!
YYYYYYAAAAAAAASSS!
Don’t fret about things, to come.
Worry not about the mountain still being there.
Rejoice, beloveds, for you are growing, you are glowing, you are showing ALL that you are so much MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.
Tell discouragement, fear, hopeless, defeat, anger, give up, apathy and ALL that which has tried to hold you back to go on head and take TWO seats, kick ALL dem rocks already!
You go!
I am proud of you, beloveds.
I am proud, of me.
We are doing all that we know, we are fighting, still, no matter what, no matter why, no matter how.
No longer, not ever, not for a second, do we/will we use ANYTHING as an excuse to give up, to give in, to walk away, to despair.
No longer, not ever, not for a second, do we/will we use ANYTHING as an excuse to not love, not reach out, not look up, not encourage, not laugh, not rejoice, not pray, not stand, not praise.
No longer, not ever, not for a second, do we/will we use ANYTHING as an excuse dim our light, extinguish our joy, dismiss our hope, put down our witness, withdraw our support/love/encouragement/exhortation/act right.
You go!
Keep, going.
Keep, growing.
Say.
Live.
Love.
You go!
You got this.
As, do I.
I love me some you, beloveds. I really do. If prayers can change the world, and they can/do, then watch your world(s) change, for the better. Get ready, beloveds, for your blessings. YOURS! They are coming. They are near. Chair dance with me, til the change(s) come…
rejoicing with/for you and for those who can’t yet rejoice,
May not seem like a big deal, but it’s a huge deal.
It’s the air fryer I purchased for myself for Christmas 2016. Never opened it, until this afternoon. Took me forever to even move the box out of the living room and into another room. Sat there, another year or so. Finally, moved it, one room over, one step closer to the kitchen and using.
Five years.
Mom, five years gone now.
*sigh*
After blogging about her, yesterday I think, I found myself hankering for a bit of chili. So odd, I thought. I have not thought of, wanted, or hankered for chili since my friend passed away. I guess letting her go more, letting mom go, more, I am inching a bit closer to some healing, to Spring, to breathing, again, without a boulder sitting on my chest.
*Cassandra takes a huge breath*
I took over my training class asking for air fryer tips. We spent a good hour going over how to make this, what to put on that….lol….I had everyone starving and ready to leave work early.
Drummed up the courage, opened my heart, opened the air fryer, and actually read and followed the directions. Who knew how much easier it is to use new appliances instead of pressing this, pulling on that, half tearing up the other?! Miracles never cease.
Amazing how tender those porkchops were! I would love to say I ate them and yakked with mom as I did so. Nope. Was too busy tearing those bad boys up! Yummers!
I have other gifts from 2016 to open. A few I bought for me, a few given to me by others. Think I may have Christmas in March and open the rest, this weekend. Then again, my heart may not yet be ready for them.
Baby steps.
Air fryer, baby!
How great is that?!!
grateful,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Take care, beloveds. Take care, of you. Take, your time. Take, some stock on where you are, where you would like to go, how you may get there, how long it may or may not take. Take, the time you need to heal and grow and don’t beat yourself about your current circumstances and surroundings.
You are EXACTLY where God and Life need you to be.
You are NOT:
Lost.
Hopeless.
Helpless.
Empty.
Behind.
Uncovered.
Alone.
You ARE:
Loved.
Cherished.
Protected.
Seen.
Heard.
Valued.
You CAN:
Do, so much more than you have ever given yourself credit for.
Be, what you choose to be, as best you can, so long as you give it your all as best you can.
Say, all the things needing to be said so long as you speak whether you feel strong, weak or indifferent.
Love, and be loved.
Live, fully and with everlasting joy, hope, peace, integrity, honesty, laughter, fulfillment and so many things too many to mention.
It is time, beloveds. YOUR time. Time, to rise up. Time, to step up. Time, to look up. Time, to chair dance. Time, to sing. Time, to run. Time, to ponder. Time, to wonder. Time, to wander.
We know not how much more time we have, beloveds. Just that we have just enough time to do what needs to be done. Best get to it now, beloveds. Get to it.
I looked around, this morning, and good egads my apartment looks afright. Seems like I have to do quite a bit of spring cleaning, for real for real, this week.
Isn’t it amazing, what we let slide, what we don’t look at or do, when we are in the midst of a storm, a hard time, a life happening?
No need to get on ourselves, about the clutter. Just have to make our way out of it.
Don’t blame me, folks. Blame the ones who sent the non blending trash bins.
Asking for a friend,
Cassandra
Slap your link somewhere so folk can find you. Am telling you, peeps, if you have not peeped her blog you missing out. There are other must reads but I have NO idea how to link them or send them or invite them or whatever the world the etiquette is.🤷♀️
P.S. Don’t tell on me, Britta, when I admit that the other day I actually reached for the phone to call mom. I haven’t done that in a while. Made me catch my breath, it did. Am holding it, still. Scared to acknowledge me acknowledging needing a mom I shall never see. Never has gotten awfully long again. Most days, me and never have our truce. We never acknowledge one another. And, when we do we both pretend never will be someday and keep it moving.
Yea, don’t tell on a sista. Let us eat bacon and hang with Jean Luc a spell…
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…
I really enjoyed this, so true and made me smile.
🫶
😉🥰
A sharp, comprehensive breakdown that exposes the friction between rapid growth and operational survival in online businesses.
Briefly. Life just too short to stay all up in your feelings.
Anywho, the reason for said all up in the feelings…*sigh*.
Training was tough, I wanted to head right to bed but wanted to encourage someone to let them know that they don’t have to til themselves to the wheel of you have to be all happy all the time else the world will stop spinning on it’s axis. It won’t, it’s not required and not even truthful. Even Jesus cried.
Anywaze, I dig some understanding, empathetic words, from deep within wherever the world they have been hiding since forever, type them up, zip them off, post them here, post them on my FB account…
Fresh hell?!
What the F you mean ‘blocked’?! Blocked from doing what?! Am posting, per usual, to my own blasted FB page, to my own blasted FB apparent supposed ‘friends and fame’s and apparently someone reported it as spam!!?🤬
WHAT?!!! YOU the one either requested or accepted my friend request!!
YOU KNOW HOW I ROLL!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW I’M ALL ABOUT THAT ENCOURAGEMENT LIFE!!
APPARENTLY, YOU UNCOMFORTABLE WITH A SISTA BEING ALL THE WAY LIUD FOR REAL FOR REAL FO SHO!!!!
WHAT YIKES!? WHY AM I HOLLERING AND ALL UP IN MY FEELINGS!?
My bad…*Cassandra begins whispering*
So, I rush to FB and deactivate my account.
Ha!
Go get yo encouragement from folks who gives two damns about you. Folks don’t give two damns? This I KNOW, dummy, why I was sending encouragement and care your anonymous sending way.
I was ready to kick the entire world to the curb. All yall beloveds, included. No, I didn’t know if it was one of yall but hey a sista was all up in her feelings and feeling slighted and small and unappreciated and unloved and all the dumb things we sometimes allow ourselves to feel because some dummy or dummies were knowingly or unknowingly or who only knows and displaced their own lack of loving themselves on top of our loving ourselves and others causing us to briefly stop loving ourselves and making us reach for a stupid and useless cape to hide behind instead of us staying brave by keeping on our Clark Kent’s and loving no matter the outcome…
Whew! Long sentence and sentiment that.
I say all of that, to say this:
There is STILL bacon.🥰🤗
Someone I respect and care for commented that to me. She reminded me to just keep on being me, doing me, loving me, loving others, accepting others may won’t, don’t love me and keep it pushing, anyway.
There is, bacon.
Still.
Always.
This world will forever try and give you reasons to give up and to give in. Tell it, tell negative folks and things to go on head and kick some extra rocks already. Am going to continue to encourage myself and folk.
By the by, you just never know where someone is at. Be mindful when blocking someone or acting a fool just cuz you can. That someone may have really needed you or something just then. How much extra time does it take to care or acknowledge some care sent ones way?…*Cassandra shakes her head at a world ok with blocking love shown and care*🤷♀️
If I have to tell you, beloveds, I would HAVE to remove my cape, the one I promised never to don again.
Yet, I find myself wrapped up, trying to warm myself beneath this Superwoman cape.
Crap.
Fresh hell!
Capes don’t work. Not really. And, not for long.
Capes make us hide.
From, life.
From, our true feelings.
From, hell, from any and everything that ever can and ever has caused us hurt.
I hurt.
See!
I admit it.
Fresh hell!!!
*Cassandra rips off her cape, snatches her Clark Kent glasses off the side table, thrust them on and prepares to be human again*
Fresh hell.
*sigh*
Busted.
Caught.
Pulled aside.
By, God.
By, Life.
By, my heart.
In an attempt to get me to admit, if only just to me, that I have been in hiding since my young friend passed away.
It is why, me and that damned bowl of chili are STILL eyeing one another, warily, each time I open the fridge.
It is why, I have stopped my daily blog reading, not allowing myself the fun, the comfort, the joy in yakking daily to folk hither and yon
It is why, I have not bounded about, like a friendly golden retriever, looking to encourage this one, have fun with that one, see what life is up to with this, wonder what life will do about that.
It is why, I have my building projects building up and staring at me wondering when they will be able to come out and play.
It is why, my fingers no longer rush to the keyboard, anxious to know will come spilling clumsily from my heart, mind and mouth.
It is why, my heart is no longer pining for the ocean, no longer straining to dip my toes into waves anxious to hug my ankles close.
It is why, my soul is not begging for an opportunity to try and see where gifts given to me, could be used to see what I and Life and God could/would make out of them.
It is why, the tiger in me, even now, the kitty in me, have grown silent, still, pensive.
Because, I am a bit angry, with you.
All of you, beloveds.
Why?
Because you make me care. And, to my surprise, I don’t want to care. Not so much. Okay, so not at all, since my friend passed away.
I didn’t even realize it. Not until, this morning. I was texting a friend. Told her I was missing our friend. Told her I was feeling a bit angry about her. Angry, she was taken so young. Dammit.
My friend told me to “think happy thoughts”. My response verbatim was:
Me: Fuck happy!
Yikes. I HATE that word. Absolutely hate it and find it sooooooooooooooo crude. Yet, the moment the word came out, out LOUD, my heart sighed. I promise it did.
My heart sighed, and released all the pent up feelings it had been holding onto all this time.
What was super surprising, to me, was the feeling I had. It wasn’t, anger. It wasn’t even, sadness. Just sheer relief of being able to FEEL, to EXPRESS something. Anything.
Before that, I was being so damned careful:
Careful, to feel the RIGHT things.
Careful, to feel, the RIGHT things, the RIGHT way.
Careful, to NOT feel, the WRONG things.
Careful, to NOT feel, the WRONG things, at the WRONG time(s).
Careful to, do the right thing, eat the right thing, uplift the right way, encourage the right way.
As a woman, particularly a woman of color, I had to also be sure to set the right example as I bear the weight of my community, of my race, of my gender, of my this and that to ensure that those following behind me will get the chance to do whatever, be whatever. Other races, you see, do NOT have to account for their EVERY breath. Every last damned one of them. If we, if I, as a woman, as a person of color, step, outside the lines, or color, outside the lines, why…apparently the world will end for the rest of the entirety of the population(s) of people of color in the entirety of the whole damned world!
So, here I sit, dumbfounded, confounded, astounded that my heart felt nothing but relief at being able to feel whatever the hell I wanted to feel without the constraint, without the ‘halfto’, without the ‘needto’.
It is simply amazing what one can find behind Clark Kent eyesight. May find a ‘Fuck you’ or two or three there.
Yikes!
Egads!
And now, with me, here, now, wearing my Clark Kents, I find myself really wanting to say all manner of things, out LOUD. OUTLOUD!
I find myself, beloveds, wanting to fuss with you, just a bit. I want to run around, snatching off capes. Every one. I want to shake folk. I want to tell them to let their kitty out, dammit! I want to kick them in the hind end, until they get mad enough to let their tiger roar. I want to bang on doors hollering for folks to LOOK at one another, to TALK to one another.
All of that, of this, takes too much energy. I find myself, eyeing that damned cape.
Spring. A word I keep seeing shouted about, here, there and everywhere.
Spring.
Spring, is here, folks are saying.
Spring IS here.
Is it?
Here, it is, Spring, yet not.
Not for my heart, anyway.
The pages, have turned.
The days, have come, they have gone.
Spring, has come, or so they say.
Yet, it has not.
Not, for my heart, anyway.
My heart, you see, is still wounded, from winter.
Winter, sure just does not want to end.
So, I trudge, still, through snowstorms, tall drifts of tufts and tough, trying to make my way, out of this foreign land, called my life, just now.
I look around, amazed, not recognizing what I see, no recognizing WHO I see.
Even the kitty in me has grown quiet, pensive, tired, hesitant.
Not so much, from the hard, from the dark, from the bleak, from the tiring. Just from, from, the sheer never endingness of the dark, the bleak, the tiring, the hard.
The past few weeks, all I have had the energy for is faking it til I make it through the work days. Sadly, folks who are going through, who don’t have hoards of money, are forced to go through, no matter what, toiling through tough work days with a smile. Egads, I am deathly tired of this get after it grin I have been wearing.
This weekend, I allowed myself to turn off everything and just allow winter to continue to rage, on the outside. While, I gave myself the weekend to rest, on the inside. No blogging. No chores. Ran, out for snacks. Ran, back in for Netflix and chill.
I allowed myself to understand that spring did not feel as though it had arrived. It still felt/feels like winter.
And, that’s okay.
Over, yet not.
Spring, yet not.
Spring.
Nice to know, it has come.
In its time.
In, its season.
So, don’t sweat it.
Spring, has come.
The winter IS over, yet not.
Just the residual feelings and dealings to deal with.
Don’t sweat the small things. Whatever the day brings, embrace what you can, get rid of what you can, live with what you must, don’t live with what you can’t live with.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 
That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…