And, for that while, I have, er, had been able to valiantly tell myself to suck it up buttercup, keep it moving homie, keep pushing, keep on keeping on…
Rinse.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Rinse.
That is, to my chagrin, to my dismay, to my disdain, I found myself unable, unwilling, un whateverthehellyouwanttocallit to DO.
Anything.
Anyone.
Anywhere.
Anyhow.
I did NOT want to fight work system issues, yet again.
I did NOT want to fight health issues, yet again.
I did NOT want to fight what the hell do I do with the rest of my life as I am no longer able, willing or capable of living this half life that is NOT my dreams, yet again.
I did NOT want to hear God, to hear Life, to hear my spirit, to hear my heart say for me to keep going, to keep growing, yet again.
Yet, again, what did I do?
I, began, again, and took just a step ot two, yet again.
I did not venture far.
I had not the strength, you see.
Yet, I trusted God.
Yet, I trusted Life.
Yet, I trusted ME.
To, begin again, step out, again, reach out, again, reach towards, again, chase after, again, all those things yet before me.
After a few steps, I looked behind me and saw all the road traveled.
I, sighed.
Yet, in looking back, in seeing all those many small steps that now looked like a mighty long way, gave me the energy to take a few steps more.
After a few steps, I looked before me and saw an endless stretch of road ahead.
I, sighed.
Yet, in looking forward, in seeing all the possibilities lurking ahead, gave me just enough energy to hurry my steps.
I, sighed.
Knowing that just a few steps are more than enough.
Real talk, I didn’t want to hop in here to use currently tough circumstances to help others deal with their currently tough circumstances.
Kick rocks, I said, to my sis at the thought of, yet again, turning a tough moment into a wonderfully, inspiring post that would uplift countless of weary souls to continue on their travels whilst being too blasted tired to continue on my own way.
To blazes with any and everyone who is, was, may yet still be, waiting for the next installment of you got it going on like popcorn whilst my own popcorn has burnt.
Hit the road to God, to Life, to ALL who continually expect me to give and to give and to give and to give and to…
Basically, I was having a mini temper tantrum where I just did NOT, not for one more second, want to, hell folks, I no longer want to, yet I have to. Still.
Dammit.
Yes, I was, am, I think, having a bit of a life tantrum. Not so much sick of life, just sick of what life has been dishing out, lately. Nope, the offerings have not been to my liking. I have tossed ALL lemons, to the side. “I would rather starve then have to eat, make, or make due with another damned lemon!”
HA!
I find myself feeling a million feelings all at once. i want to:
Crawl, into a hole.
Run away, and never come back.
Try, again, not knowing if the damned rock will roll back down the damned hill. Dammit!
Write, having a million words to share, yet, believing the words will be meaningless.
Cry, not knowing for which current loss to grieve, accept, let go of, be okay with the removal of.
Try, again, when trying, lately seems hopeless, joyless, pointless, the point seeming more and more without a point.
Give up the fight and tell Thanos he is welcome to come and snatch the other half.
Fight on and tell Thanos what he can do with his finger snaps.
Begin, again, with the meager half left by such a cruel, such an unwelcome, such a surprising finger snap.
My heart, it seems, has taken ME hostage. Heretofore, I ran this show. Or, so I foolishly thought. Here, lately, my heart has refused to simply go off into that gentle goodnight and keep accepting all these damned lemons!
Yep, beloveds, my heart demanded a meeting. With, God. With, Life. The conversation went something like this:
Heart: Enough, already!
Me: Well, what do you want ME to do about it? I ain’t the ones who keep delivering all these damned lemons expecting me to make damned lemonade or pie or whatever the fresh hell one is supposed to make with all these damned lemons!!!!
Heart: God, I am beyond tired of these lemons coming my way. I don’t want them, I don’t want to write about them, I don’t want to encourage others to eat them.
God: I know, beloved. They are for your benefit, they are for the benefit of others.
Me: I could give two damns about that, right now.
Yikes!: Yikes.
Heart: Life, I am over taking your damned high road all the damned time, in service for folks who neither gives two damns about me or rush past me to take all the blessings I have given up whilst helping others or allowing them to take my turn. Am sick and damned tired of having to hold the damned door for others to enter into THEIR rest, THEIR hopes, and THEIR dreams.
Life: I know, beloved. Yet, YOUR life, YOUR words, YOUR try, YOUR joy, YOUR faith affects more lives than you will ever know.
Heart: Who cares?!
Me: Yea, who cares!!?
God: You, do. I, do. Life, does.
Heart: Fresh hell.
Me: Fresh hell.
Argument over, I scraped my way to work and reached out to check on a coworker and let her know that I was thinking of her, praying for her, and telling her she had some great blessings coming her way.
She, cried.
I wanted to.
She said she had really needed those words, today.
MY, words.
MY, seemingly unneeded words.
My….
O, my!
I wonder, beloveds, what she would have done, today, if I had held onto my words? She, needed to hear them. I, needed to share them.
My, o, my, why, my words, MY words, may in fact, be needed, be necessary!
As are yours.
Someone needs YOUR words, beloveds. Beginning, with me.
I’m tired. Super tired. It has been a long week. Yet, it has been on my heart to get back to blogging. It was time. I missed my peeps, meaning you, beloveds. I think of folks on the daily, creating all manner of awesome posts, in my mind, as I meander through out this ridiculous thing called my life.
I found fatigue, battling with the urge to blog, with fatigue beginning to win out. Yet, knowing life is so very short, I blearily, wearily, mindnumbingly tiredly began my ramblings. Poor yall…*shrug*….it’s not my fault, mind you. I just love folk, love checking on them, praying for hem, wondering what the world they are up to, writing, writing, writing, writing. Good yikes, so much writing can be tiring but writers just HAVE to write, you know? I imagine it’s the same, with whatever you do or long to do. Something inside you just have to have to, dontchaknow?
Anywho, I made myself get on here as life is just too short and none of us know what the world, what the day, may or may not bring.
Case in point, before mom passed away Christmas Morning 2016(dammit), I had been making plans to go see her, that March. You see, I had FINALLY purchased my first car. A brand new car! I had also, FINALLY, been able to get my credit to show and the number was so fantastic I was offered 50 million thousand credit cards.
That said, I secured a couple of credit cards. One, I had especially and specifically for trips so I could get a hotel, gas etcetera and be able to take time off work to go see mom. Before, I did not own a car. I used one of my sister’s car to get back and forth to work. It was an older car not meant for the road.
So, excitedly, I called mom and told her I would be coming to see her in March! I was excited. She was excited. Sadly, someone forgot to tell God and He was hankering for her, missing her, so called her home early Christmas morn to celebrate Jesus’ birthday in person. My, that must have been a sight! I can’t blame Jesus. I loved her too…..*sniff*.
I have to be honest and say that I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry at God, at the world, at EVERYTHING for taking my mom away. I shouted at the heavens that dammit I finally had a brand new damned car and a blasted damned special credit card that had plenty of space where I could go hang out with mom and do whatever we damned pleased.
It just wasn’t fair, dammit, for life to take her before I was ready. It seemed cruel. I raged and raged why in the fresh hell wasn’t I given enough time with the damned new car to be able to hang out with my mom. Why, she had/has never set foot in it….*sigh*.
It was hard, yea, is hard STILL, thinking of all the nevers that I shall never have with my mom, again. In fact, those nevers were so hard I wanted to give up, did give up, on future hopes, dreams, desires and all the things she would never see me be, have, or do.
Over these last 8 years, with help from God, from Life, from Yikes!, Egads!, beloveds, work, hard things, hard, circumstances, situations and the like, I was able to claw myself from underneath bushels and baskets full of grief in order to move on with life. To get on with it. ALL of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. ALL comes with the territory.
Although, I shall never see mom, again, I CAN and I DO encourage folks to not wait to see this person, to do that thing. To let folk know that though they may plan for a March, that a Christmas morn may well show up, instead…*sigh*.
With all this on my tired mind, I reach out, beloveds, in hopes that you might heed these words and love someone, today, NOW, beginning with you.
In case no one has yet told you:
God SEES you.
God LOVES you.
God CARESE DEEPLY for you life.
As, do I.
Be encouraged.
Do you.
BE you.
ALL of you. Stop hiding the parts you think are unacceptable. It is THOSE parts this world needs to see and receive the most. We need what you have to give. We need you, period. Never forget that your life was worth the death of The King, Jesus. He has your back. As, do I.
I’m sorry. This always makes me laugh. Just sending warm thoughts, and some fun your way this early morning. The week was long. Yet, it has done it’s thing. Now, it’s time for me to rest, to do my thing of everything, or nothing, and all manner in between.
It’s important to know that we are so very much more than what we say, have or do. So, beloveds, you have done your work, you have worked your week. Leave the outcome(s) to be whatever they may turn out to be. Good, bad or indifferent you SHALL, you WILL not only survive those things but you shall also master them. You shall find out what you are made of. You will find out what you are afraid of. You will find out what you are NOT afraid of. You will find out so many nuggets about yourself, about God, about Life, about all kinds of things that ALL of the outcomes will be perfectly okay with you.
In the meantime, in the interim, time to REST, beloveds. Put down the work, the striving, the driving, the trying, and let yourself breathe, let yourself be. I shall be with you as I continue to thrive on being me.
*Cassandra gestures for folks to draw near. Cassandra peers around suspiciously and tells Britta to get off her darned foot already!*
Yea, so, my wombie fixing to show up in the comments soon?
Whatcha mean why and why yall hootin and hollerin in such a disloyal fashion!?😳
*Cassandra breaks into a heated argument with Britta on showing some love, some loyalty*
*Cassandra realizes she has forgotten to mention the reasons for the hastily assembled and essential meeting of the beloveds*
So, what had happened wuz the following:
Wombie: I can NOT believe you did that?!
Me: *innocent look* Did what?
Wombie: I can NOT believe you put me on blast in your blog!…*wombie stamps foot indignantly*
Me: *eye rolls*….*shakes head sadly realizing some folks didn’t think fat meat was really greasy(black folk slang regarding someone not taking heed to something and paying the price)* Did I NOT tell you that I was fixing to tell on you, in my blog, just as soon as I hung up the damned 5 o clock phone and tattle that you woke me at the crack o damn clock knowing full well I had to sleep then had THHEEEEEEEE nerve to tell me to go back to sleep an hour and a half later!?
*Cassandra tosses the gavel to the ground and tells the court the defense rests*
Wombie: That’s NOT fair and I CAN state my case in the comments!…*stamps foot*
Hhhmmm.
HHHMMMM!?
*Realizing Wombie is fully capable, and ridiculous to do such a meanie thing, Cassandra decides to hatch a dastardly, yet admittedly foolhardy plan, decides to get off the openly salvo in what would famously, hereafter and hitherto be known as…
Wombie Wars.
PPPSSSSSST!
*Cassandra peers stealthily and a bit noisily from her tiny closet she had hastily fastened in the middle of her living room. Cassandra sniffs dramatically at Ashley advising this is HER damned story and war so she can concoct an imaginary closet any where she damn please. Realizing she needs allies Cassandra bribes Ashley with a mini brownie and continues on*
So, beloveds, I gotta make this quick, fast and in a hurry. When Wombie shows up, in the comments or from some damned hiding place, do NOT join her side. Stick with me. I expect loyalty above all…hehe…
Get ready for some shenanigans, beloveds. Wombie can be a sneaky one. Growing up, we used to play the super dumb game of hiding from one another. I believe I have posted, in the past, about us doing the absolute ridiculous thing of hiding, for hours and hours, from one another.
We would then jump out and scare the fresh hell out of the other one. To get more background on her, please go back and read my post called, I think, ‘Everyone needs a Wombie’ or some such.
My twin, my wombie, my friend, means the world to me. Don’t tell her, yall, and do NOT use the following words against me, in our upcoming Wombie War:
The reason the work news, two weeks ago, was particularly upsetting, devastating, awful, awful, awful…..*Cassandra stamps foot just THINKING of work and angrily swipes tears away*. So, the reason the work news was so upsetting is that I would be moved to a que wherein I would not be able to yak, incessantly, via text, email and phone calls(wedged discreetly between breaks, lunches etc) with wombie about anything, everything, dumb things, hard things, things of God, things of life, football, ok not football as for the life of me can NOT unnerstant why o why wombie does not like sports…*Cassandra decides to keep this as ammunition for future war battles and keep it moving*
I have been tasked to help out, temporarily, in another part of the company that is super stretched then where there will be NO TIME TO YAK INCESSANTLY ABOUT EVERYTHING, NOTHING AND ALL ELSE IN BETWEEN WITH MY WOMBIE!…*stamps foot*.
You see, we talk, EVERY day. And, once work has passed, I will call her, she will call me and we will rave on and on and on and on about everything, nothing and all else in between. Those calls, texts, emails mean the world to me.
Also, a few months ago I believe, it was on my heart to start calling Wombie just to say goodnight. Even though we may have just talked and blabbed and blabbed and tired of one another. One night, well, I just wanted to call my wombie dammit and tell her goodnight.
Me: Hey.
Wombie: What is it? Didn’t we just talk.
Me: Yes, I just wanted to call and tell you goodnight.
Wombie: Really?
Me: Really…..*shrug*….goodnight sis. Love you and talk to you tomorrow.
After she had peeled her face off the carpet, wombie said goodnight back and a cherished event, and moments, were born. Thereafter, every night, I call my wombie just to tell her goodnight. Depending on the night, the call literally lasts seconds, or may last five minutes, ten, an hour, fresh hell sis you getting me in your vortex and you KNOW I have to be at work in a few hours!
When I was blithely informed I would be moved, immediately to this tough department, I realized I would not have much time to share, to be with, to carry on with, my wombie.
This news, on top of the devastating health news had me in a tizzy. Man, beloveds, I was soooooo angry, initially. With, God. With, Life. Dammit, with everything. The health diagnosis, coming from the blue. The work news, coming from the blue. The time constraints, coming from the blue….*sigh*…felt as though Thanos had won, yet again, snapping his cruel fingers and snatching my health innocence away, stealing my wombie time, snatching away the department that I dearly loved working in.
I threw a tantrum, for just a minute. I admit it. Told God to go ahead and kick some rocks. Told Life to join God and BOTH can go ahead and kick some rocks. Kept quiet with work knowing I needed a job and am no dummy.
Yea, yall, I carried on just as much when my young friend had passed away on New Years Eve. A MAJOR Thanos hind end kicking that was. I found that I was FINALLY able to make the chili, eat the chili and begin again ONLY to have the world turned on it’s ear, again!
Thankfully, my wombie was there for me. She let me cry. She cried. She let me be angry. She was angry when I was too blasted tired and discouraged to show my angry. She let me feel, be and say whatever the hell I wanted to say it, HOW I wanted, no NEEDED to say it.
In short, beloveds, she let me be loud. Really loud. Really, really, really loud. And, I hadn’t realized how very much I needed to be able to well, just, be, and let my heart spill it’s bounty.
In times past, I used to carry my tears, my burdens, my fears, my everything alone and not wanting to feel like, to be a burden to anyone….*Cassandra shakes her head sadly for thinking her tender heart was EVER viewed as being burdensome to her*.
The world, the enemy, folks, situations and circumstances too often lies to us or tries to convince us believe that we, our thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, tears and all manner of things just don’t matter.
Hogwash!
Your thoughts DO matter, beloveds. Very much so. As does your tender and precious hearts. Yes, our hearts help lead us into all manner of dumbness, foolishness and the like. Yet, those self same hearts are full of such goodness, love, life and life if we but stop hiding them behind walls, capes and all the manner of dumbness and tomfoolery we all use to keep from being seen thinking we will be judged harshly.
All the while, our hearts dream of, conceive of, crave for love, acceptance, support, safety, joy and a million of other things.
Fresh hell!
*Cassandra realizes she has forgotten she is hiding in a dumb closet stupidly constructed in the middle of the living room so she can begin The Wombie War*
PSSSSSSTT. Don’t tell Wombie, where I am. Also, I suggest you hide, as well. She don’t fight fair….
*Cassandra tears outta the room hoping the other beloveds were smart enough to start diving behind a couch or something*…..hmm….*Cassandra dives over the couch and peers stealthily over the side*……owwww!……*Cassandra looks to the side and see Yikes!, Egads! and Britta peering suspiciously round the other side of the couch*….shhhhs, yall, someone is coming….
to be continued….
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is short, beloveds. Too short to continue to hide the awesome life called you. I invite one and all to pick a side, find a spot to hide whilst me and my wombie get into all kind of foolishness up in this blog soon. Am going to add the Comments section, in place of the Lastest Post section. Make no mistake, beloveds, there IS no middle ground. During Wombie War you are either Team Cassandra or Team Wombie. She calls herself Cassie so may be rude and change the team names all up in MY blog….*shakes head*
The game is a foot!
This is a photo of me and wombie. To this day, I can never remember which is which!🤣🥰🤗
What say you, wombie? Trembling?
This song is setting the stage…
Beloveds, listen and be amazed…The Dep🤠 has just stepped into the ring…
(There is a shaking going on in a certain closet and behind particular couches)….😁…
Psssst…
Hey, wombie, Cassandra Jeanette Scott…yea, YOU! Listen up, beloveds…😎…in the left corner is Clubber Lang, who will represent my wombie, Cassandra Jeanette Scott…in the right corner will be Rocky Balboa, which will feature ME, the shamefully and dastardly protrusion of me…otherwise known as The Deputy🤠…who stands for Truth and Justice God’s Way…ME…HER*hmph*WOMBIE…😇…and SHE attacks me in front of the free world to inform you that I called her at 5 o’clock A.M. (Let the record show that I called her at 5:02. That’s misrepresentation #1.*regal sniff of disdain at said dastardly wombie, Cassandra Jeanette Scott*)
I want EVERYBODY to watch EVERY song, video, and link on this…er…”comment,” because they are a PRECISE representation of what is about to go down in the annals of history as The Wombie Wars.
It’s the third round, Clubber…
You just (bleeped) with the wrong Marine…🦸♀️…
Y’all ready for this?
I TOLD you, wombie…I don’t LEAVE calling cards…I just simply neutralize your…er…arse…and you’ll never even see it coming…🌪
Anybody see the movie “Twister”? Can somebunny say DEBRIS?
Yall going to have to forgive me, beloved. My Kuerig and Sleep are currently fighting, LOUDLY I might add, for my attention.
I am trying my level best to ignore the first and embrace the second. Seems like someone, not saying no names, decided she just HAD to share some priceless moments at 5 damn o clock and have gotten this will she or won’t she wake all the way up war…
*pout*
So, since I was woken, figured I would pester, er, see what folks have been up to whilst I have been recovering from another Thanos finger snap. Fresh hell. Now, THAT too early in the day to ramble on about.
*Cassandra makes note to ramble about Thanos snapping his damned fingers again! Fresh hell…oppps…*
So, I had a wonderfully funny, thoughtful, inspiring, uplifting post to write but my brain apparently has decided to go with Sleep and is currently waiting for me beneath some delish looking covers…hhm..
Brb…😴
Someone do me a favor and say something wonderfully funny, uplifting, thoughtful, inspiring and encouraging to someone in need. Life is short. Let’s love one another, s we?
Starting, with ourselves. Moving on, to love our fellow man. Including and especially those whom you think may deserve it the least. Yes, they need love the most.
We just never know what someone is going through. Too many folks bleeding to death, in plain sight, in silence, wondering if they will ever be loved, if they are lovable.
They, are.
As, are you.
As, am I.
Love, someone.
Love, many someones.
Today.
TODAY!!
Beginning, with you.
Moving on, to me.
Reaching out, to as many as your heart can hold.
Go.
Go, beloveds!
Hurry.
Someone may be giving up. Don’t let them. Don’t YOU give up.
Not, yet.
Not, now.
Not, ever.
Hhmmmm…
Seems like Sleep has won. Someone get the light on your way out…
Me: Sis, you know I work today and have to be up in a few hours.
Wombie: I don’t care.
Me: *rambles nonsensical nonsense for half an hour while fighting not to wake up while waking up while fighting not to wake up.
Wombie: *rambling about whatever in the fresh hell a wombie rambles about at five a damned clock in the morning knowing her twin has to work in a few hours.
Wombie: Okay, I guess you can go to sleep now since you have to work in a few hours.
Me: How am I supposed to sleep now that you have woken me up?
Wombie: I sowwy. Do the best you can. 🤷♀️. Drink extra coffee. Goodnight.
Dial tone: She said tell you goodbye 🤷♀️
😳!
🥰!
Gnite, beloveds. Just up long enough to tell you to enjoy each and every moment. We know not how many we have. Yea, I could beaned my wombie but enjoyed our hour and a half yak. HOUR AND A HALF!? 6:30!
*gasp*
*Cassandra dives back under her covers of solitude*
Be encouraged. Life is good even when it’s hard, impossible and all in between. In case no one has told you yet:
You are SEEN. You are LOVED. You are DEEPLY CARED FOR.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 
Your thoughts matter! Let us know how you feel.