…I told both God and life, today.

Nothing uplifting today. Folks will need to do their own heavy life lifting today.

Nevertheless…

However…

Standing royally sucks, today.

…nothing went right?

Nothing FELT right?

Nothing looked right?

Have you ever had one of those days where…

…the thought of standing was exhausting?

Reaching out was exhausting?

Allowing someone to care seemed exhausting?

I had one of those days, today…*sigh*.

Nevertheless, I stand. Standing has NOTHING to do with feelings.

However, God understands how I feel.

I lean heavily on God’s Word, God’s CHARACTER and God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

I absolutely REFUSE to run away from the Yikes and the Egads of a difficult day.

I WILL NOT waste Dad’s Awesome Day. He created it just for me. I will NOT dismiss the beauty of the day trying to distract myself from the tough moments.

I embraced each and every Yikes. I rested and laughed at all of the days Egads. They were many. They were endless.

Nevertheless, they brought opportunities to humble myself and ask for help.

However, they brought triump mixed within defeat which added growth to a heart striving to learn.

Every Yikes, EVERY Egads led me yet another step closer to…*shrug *.

Does it really matter? I think not. Each step I took God and Life took with me.

Yikes. Egads. Awesome!😎💃

Jaybird STILL

I have been wanting to go for a long drive forever. Have been shut up and shut in for a year. A year and a half, in fact having started working from home October of 2019.

Working from home is fantastic. That said, working from home can make you lazy, if you let it. Everything is so CONVENIENT!

Anywho, I finally peel myself from my safe space and venture out.

Yikes! 😱 Did people ALWAYS drive this fast!?

Egads! Were these trucks ALWAYS this big and did they ALWAYS drive so close?!!

I don’t know which was going faster: my heart or those humungous, close driving trucks. Yikes. Egads.

I must confess to a bit of nervousness. Okay, spilling the tea, was nervous enough I initially forgot to stand. Flung myself in God’s Arms by blasting some fantastic praise music. Dad inhabits the praises of His Peeps dontchaknow?!

Yasss! 💃😎!!

I began wailing at the top of my lungs. Got to car dancing and rocking my ride…🚗. Rocking and wailing. Jamming with God and Life who got to jamming with me. I forgot to be nervous of them giant trucks. Forgot I had not done this in a while.

I turned my focus on being in the moment, in LIVING in the moment. Living, walking straight. Loving me some Him. Allowing Him to love some me.

Folks tend to run away from yikes and egads. They can feel icky. Okay they feel icky. Yet, if faced, acknowledged and processed can lead to AWESOME adventure/change/growth.

When life begins to happen and you get to feeling yikes and egads, don’t run. Sit with them. Poke them and prod them to shake what feelings they hold. They are trying to tell you something. Listen to them.

They may be telling you to go another way. They may be advising you to stay right where you are.

They may be encouraging you to get out of your comfort zone and to try new things.

They may be letting you know you need to get some act right for something you have said, done, have not said or have not done.

Embrace the yikes and egads. They are your friends. They are there for your growth.

Right now, I sit in the car still, waiting for my heart to stop racing. It races now in the excitement of an adventure lived, in the moment.

Yikes. Egads. Awesome. 😎

Jaybird

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rEp3-ATdJCQ&feature=share

Beloved, it’s time. Time for you to understand you have done your best. Rest and be encouraged. Life has been tough and has exacted quite the price from you.

It’s okay to take a breath. Okay to look around and wonder how you made it this far. It’s even okay to wonder if you will make it these next miles.

You CAN. You WILL.

Until you do, I got you. God and Life has you. How much safer/loved can you be?

It’s going to be okay. I promise it will. Rest now.

There were days where I honestly had no idea if I would stand and fight or give up completely.

There were many, many days when I had no clue where strength would come from. I tried to lift myself by the bootstraps. Life just booted me in the rear.

It was ONLY by letting go of…keeping it real, of the fear that God, that Life, that others would not have my back was I able to lean upon them, cry, wobble, cry some more, wobble some more, that I began the slow walk towards peace and healing.

Beloved, aren’t you tired of hiding, of fighting, alone? Those silent tears MUST be getting awfully heavy by now.

Aren’t you tired of fighting the darkness, the dawn, alone?

Know ye not that you are NOT alone? That God, that Life, weep seeing your silent struggles? They shout, from the heavens “You are not, alone. We are here. For you. FOR you”.

Let them in. Let folk care. FOR you. For YOU. You care for the world. All while bleeding deep inside.

The wounds WILL heal, beloved. As you continue to realize your worth, drop the mask, let loose of your cape, lower the moat and open your heart towards love and healing.

I shall live the rest of my days kicking down walls, scaling moats, snatching capes and loving as many of my sisters, my brothers and others who will allow.

It’s time, beloved. Long past time for your healing. If you are hurting and don’t know what to do, it’s okay. It truly is.

If you are hurting and just too darned tired of hurting and just want the hurt to not hurt anymore, it’s okay. It is.

If you are too angry, too confused, too whatever to reach out to God, to Life, to those who care for you, it’s okay. It really is.

If you are alone with no posse, no friends, no job etc, it’s okay.

I love and care for you. I will stand for you until you are able. I stand until you are ready.

Father, I pray for every person in need, this day. I pray for their hearts. I ask that You visit each and every hurting soul. I ask that You heal. I ask that You show Your Love for them in such a profound way they will NEVER doubt they are loved. Father, I ask that You show them Yourself with a crooked crown. In order that they may see Your Great Love for them and not see You as a Task Master. Dad, I ask that You stretch Your Arms wide and love those who feel unworthy. I ask for Your Grace, Your Comfort, and for Your Deep and Abiding Love to touch in such a way each heart reading these words will KNOW it was just for them. Finally, Father, I want to thank You, in advance, of working in folks hearts. I rejoice, NOW, knowing the healing is ALREADY taking place in the hearts, minds, and souls of all. Thank You for loving us, for loving ME. These things I ask, in Jesus Precious Name. Amen.

Receive these words, beloved. Receive this prayer.

Standing for all those too weary to stand,

Jaybird

I love you.

Rest, now, beloved. It’s time. Standing can be exhausting. Taking the high road, goodnight that can be soooooo exhausting. Nevertheless, it is imperative to stand. However, the high road is that good road you shall meet success, love, joy, peace, laughter, forgiveness, God, Life and so many other good things on!

It is easy to think life is all in the doing, only. Doing is important. Equally, important, is rest.

Work wants to run you into the ground. Wants to be a taskmaster. Work is forever reminding us there is work to do, already! Nevertheless, God says: Matthew 11:28-30 ²⁸Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Rest, now. If you have given your all. If you have tried your best. If you have loved, best you can. Rest, then.

Rest, now. Give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself a hug. You have spent your day making a difference. Who knows? you may have made THE difference for Life, today. Perhaps, Life shall let you know how much you have done.

Be encouraged, this day. You have done well. You have loved Life and tried to love others, the best you could. This world can be indifferent to those who give, who love, who tries. Nevertheless, keep loving, keep giving, keep trying. Your efforts are NOT in vain. However, it’s time to rest.

Rest now, beloved.

resting with you as we continue to stand….hehe….must stand always, peep,

Jaybird

Walk away, now.

Walk away, NOW!

WALK AWAY, NOW!!

These are the words that I spoke to my heart as I stood next to mom, for the last time. All the words had been said. All the rituals had been done. The tears had yet to run dry. Yet, it was time…*sigh*. Yes, it was time.

Walk away, now. Those steps were so hard. So hard. Reminds me of the steps I am taking now. A few more losses, to be walked through, to stand for, to lean heavily upon God’s Word, God’s CHARACTER and God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

Last night, I cried. Nevertheless, I arose, today, hopeful for the future. Yes, I will grieve, today. However, I will remember all that these things, now lost, have brought to my life. I have grown much. I have loved much. I have lived quite a bit. Yet, all things really do come to an end. ALL things. Good and bad. Happy and sad.

It is easy to want to hang on, to hold on, to cling to people, places and things that have reached there end.

Walk away, beloved. Time to walk away. We were not meant to remain the same. We were not meant to hold on, forever, to past glories and defeats. We were meant to live, to thrive, to learn, to grow, to win, to learn, to endure. And, then, we were meant to move forward.

Walk away, NOW, beloved. Don’t wait. Remember the good times, reflect upon the tough ones and keep on moving forward.

Time to say goodbye, now….*sigh*.

Alas, I wanted to walk away, triumphant, having stood, and won over feelings of loss and sadness. However, I must keep it ‘100’ and admit that I feel as I did when I had to leave mom, that last time. KNOWING it was the last time….*sigh*. Words can not convey the sadness of leaving. KNOWING things would never be the same, knowing I would never be the same. I had no idea of who I would be. Just knew the me that I knew, she had to learn to stand, without mom, without her support, without her tummy to lay on when I was in need of some comfort.

I still catch myself with needing to leave her side. She is gone. Pain free. Yet, mine still remains. Walk away, I tell myself, on days when I want to go back to old things, old ways of thinking and being. Walk away, now. Mom would want you whole. She would never want you compensating and crooked. She would want you, standing, walking straight, leaning upon God’s Word, God’s CHARACTER, and God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

Another loss to prepare for, today. Nevertheless, I stand, I lean heavily upon God’s Shoulders. Tears slide silently down my cheeks as I steady myself to move forward. However, I do so with great joy and hope. I walk forward. I move forward. Nevertheless and However, I do not walk alone. Mom goes with me. God goes with me. Life goes with me. Those that I allow to support me go with me.

Walk away, now, God says. Everything has it’s season. Nevertheless, I go before thee to make thy way straight.

Walk away, NOW, Life says. Life was meant to be lived, moment by moment. It was never meant to be contained and hoarded. However, you wish to remain, in the past. The past is gone, beloved. Walk away, NOW. Live in the moment. Live in TODAY. Live, not survive.

WALK AWAY, NOW, I say through my tears. Stand, in THIS moment. Yes, this moment is hard. Yes, this moment hurts. But, it is so precious, so priceless to BE in this moment. No longer do I look ahead to see what this will be or if that one awaits me. I am content, living in this moment, even the letting go moment. I will miss this time. I will miss the relationships I must leave behind. I stand knowing that I am okay.

I’m okay, mom. I really am. I love you. With all my heart. I will see you again, mom. See your little girl, mom? She is trying, so very hard, to let you go and to fly free. I’m free, mom. I stand. I live. I thrive. I no longer survive, crooked and compensating. I have done the hard work, completed my physical therapy, and am making my way, straight.

As I walk away, I turn and wait for others to do the same…

Walk away, beloved. That relationship is done. That job is over. That situation has run it’s course. Time for you to move forward. Yes, it hurts to stand. Yes, it breaks the heart to leave behind precious things. Nevertheless, you can. However, you must. I walk with you.

walking and standing with you,

Jaybird

When I was at my lowest, when I sicker than sick, when I had little faith in myself, a friend said those words to me.

“You are enough…period”. I hung onto those words. At the time, I didn’t believe them. I felt as though I was letting down the ENTIRE world. Hard to feel great about oneself when one feels as though the are letting down the entire universe!….lol…*sigh*.

I don’t know who needs to hear these words, today. Yet, I share them, knowing there are folks who need to know they are enough…period. Something about the …period that snatches at the heart, right? The period. So, emphatic. So, definitive.

We kick the crapola out of own hearts, at times. We chide, deride and chastise our hearts, insisting that our efforts are meager, that our statures are small, that our love, sheesh, what of our love, anywho? Who needs it? Whose lives are we touching, changing with what we have, with what we bring, with who we are?

Great questions. Nevertheless, God’s Word and His CHARACTER, and His Deep and Abiding Love for you says: Isaiah 43:1-4 – ¹But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. ²When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. ³For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee. ⁴Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

You are PRECIOUS to Dad. You are enough…period, and end of story! Rejoice. You be loved. We be loved, peeps!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Be encouraged. It’s okay to not be okay. There will be times when, well, when our efforts won’t be a whole heck of a lot. We are human. We get tired. We go through things. There is too many things to do and not enough time, in our days it seems, to do them. We feel inadequate, out of sorts, nowhere near enough for what lies before us. That’s okay. Give what you can. Do what you can.

Do this KNOWING you are enough…period.

God loves us whether we present Him with a paper with a big fat ‘F’ on it. He loves us whether we pass Him a paper with an ‘incomplete’ on it. God loves us whether we hand Him a paper with a ‘you gotta be kidding me, right?’ 🙂

We be loved, peeps. We are enough…period.

‘Nuff said.

Jaybird

Ready, set, go! Live, don’t survive. Walk straight, don’t compensate and limp around, in too much pain to do the hard thing of physical therapy and healing. Keep on standing. Keep going…..I love you.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=gaOV-TH8G20&feature=share

💃🎉😎😁

Life sho nuff fantastic when you are living and not surviving or compensating for what you do or do not have.

Get to livin’ yall. Dance amidst the boxes. Rejoice in the middle of the battle.

Keep on standing. Keep betting on you. You got this. I got you. God and Life has us all!!

His and yours,

Jaybird

Years ago, a dear friend nicknamed me ‘Jaybird’. I LOVED that nickname! Every TIME she called me ‘Jaybird’ I felt loved. I felt cared for. I felt special. I looked forward, to her calls, knowing I would hear her laughter, would hear her say ‘O, Jaybird’ over something ridiculous, or stupid, or funny, or serious thing I had come up with.

I began signing off emails using my nickname, Jaybird. Each and every time I saw the nickname…..*hugs self*….just felt like a warm hug, given and received from myself.

I don’t know why I stopped using my nickname. Okay, keeping it 100, as my accountability partner makes me, I ALLOWED Life, to….okay, stop, Cassandra and keep it 100! I ALLOWED, myself, to fall behind pride and not let her, and folks who cared, care about me when some things began to grow too heavy to carry alone. I began to pull away. From her. I pulled my pain, even from God. ESPECIALLY, from God. I was raised, you see, to be STRONG. The church raised me to be STRONG, to not say I was hurting. I was told to ‘lean upon the Lord’. To ‘Cast My Cares upon Him’. Being told to lean upon God’s Word was true. It was needed. Yet, there is much more to a relationship with Him, then this.

He also desires that we lean on and RELY upon His Deep and Abiding Love for us. To lean upon His Shoulders. To fling ourselves into His Strong and Resilient Embrace. He beckoned to me, many a day, and entreated me to lean upon HIS Strength, and not my silent striving/trying. He encouraged me to lean upon those He had entrusted to love and care for me. Instead, I ran. From Him. From them. I had to be an example, you see. I endeavored not to be a burden. I did not wish to waste folks precious time. I wanted to reach out, to Him, to them, at times that were CONVENIENT for them. Folks had their lives to live, you see.

Pain tends, though, to come at inconvenient times: in the middle of the night, on long/lonely weekends, in the middle of a crowded shopping day. I could not find a time that was convenient enough where I was not seemingly intruding. I told myself I would save things, for later. I crammed that hurt, that loss, that grief, in a box to be opened and grieved, lost and faced ‘later’. More and more boxes began to pile up.

Reminds me of my bedroom which has now become my storage closet. When I first moved in, I piled boxes and boxes, in my bedroom. I had every intention of going through them, getting them organized, unpacking them and moving into my apartment. I desired to make my apartment into my home. At the time, I had no time. I had to work. Had to work overtime to make money. So, the boxes stayed piled up. Those boxes grew into many more. As there were a million in there, already, well, it just became easy to put new ones in there. The more boxes I put in there, the less I wanted to be in there, organizing, sorting, making my apartment my home.

I have a wonderful recliner that was given to me. I looked at that recliner, sitting so invitingly, amidst the clutter. Amidst all those boxes! I longed to just kick back in my recliner. Kick back and enjoy a quiet moment or two or ten. Looking at all those boxes just made me tired. I no longer saw the recliner. Just saw those damned boxes. I grew angry, with me, for allowing the boxes to pile up the way that I had. Now it was my own damned fault I could not enjoy my recliner.

One evening, after having spent a wonderful hour, sitting in my car, yakking with my mom and telling her of the awesomeness of my day, I decided to sit in my recliner. I decided to just go ahead and enjoy a moment or two or ten. I plopped down, amidst a million boxes, and enjoyed some quiet moments with myself, with Life, with mom, and with God. I cared not one whit about the boxes. The time would come when I would open each one. I would organize them, I would unpack them. I would rediscover what was in them. I would use their contents to continue to make my apartment my home.

Now that I had stood and had ALLOWED God, Life, and Love to lead me home. Well, I was content to…..ah, yall I found that I was content. Content to take those moments to refresh myself and to enjoy my home. So often we work to get to this place and that. We will get to this place and that and forget why we fought so hard to get there. Or, we continue to work ourselves, to death, and not enjoy this place or that. The goal had long since switched from getting to this place or that to enjoy it. The point, now, it appears, is to just keep working to get to this place or that.

God and Life does not want us continually striving to get there. Yes, there are many places They desire for us to be. Mainly, though, they desire we take time. Time to sit there, in the middle of seeming chaos, in the middle of our pain, our anxt, our loneliness, our this or that and to share our heart, our thoughts, our hurt and our pain with Them, with loved ones, with friends.

Thinking of chilling, in my recliner, amongst those boxes, I thought of Jaybird. I missed her. Seeing her again has warmed my soul…..*hugs self*. I missed her. I am sure she missed me. She is glad that I have come home. She likes what all that God and Life has done with the place, has done with and in my heart. She is comfy here. As am I.

Tonight, I pray that you allow yourself to sit, amidst the clutter, and enjoy a moment or two or ten. Then, pick up a phone, open a text or email and let folks in. Let your people love you. Get new people to love you. Dust off the old ones and let them love you. Let YOU love you.

reclining and enjoying my name,

Jaybird….. 🙂

Yesterday, I stood. Today, I stand. Yesterday, the standing, was hard. Nevertheless, I stood. However, I arose.

In standing, even when it was hard. Yea, varily through standing through the hard and with the hard, THEN, my heart opened.

Today, I sit, staring at this blank page. Nevertheless, I am now free to speak, to breathe, to have movement. So much so, I race to capture and put down the words racing to be free of this worn, tattered and grateful heart of mine.

I met Jesus, you see, while standing through the hard. I met ME, you see, standing through the hard. I met, My Father, standing through the hard. I experienced Life, for the very first time through standing through the hard.

Yesterday, I had been surviving Life. Nevertheless, I stood. On God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, on God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for Me. Today, I LIVE, not survive.

In standing, I found that God’s Word were no longer just words. They became the air that I breathe, they became all that I need. I found that God’s CHARACTER was no longer an abstract thing, an unseen thing.

In standing, I found that God’s CHARACTER was steady, it was strong, it was full of integrity. It could be trusted. God was no longer a stranger. He was now a father. MY Father.

In standing, I found that God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me, truly was for ME. His Love made me whole.

In standing, in allowing God’s Word, God’s CHARACTER, and His Deep and Abiding Love for me to hold me up, as I stood, I found that, indeed, God, now My Father, My Strong Tower, and My Deep and Abiding Love had become My Home.

And, in becoming My Home, I find that I AM home. Finally, at last. I am home. For, I AM abides with me. He abides IN me. In so doing, I am home. He is my home.

I have been looking, for home, all of my life. Looking to find where I fit in, where I am known, where I will be loved.

Yesterday, I sought. Today, I sit, grateful, knowing my seeking days are over. Never to return. I found home. I have home. I AM home.

Today, I stand. Today, I arise. Not in victory. I arise, in gratitude, thankful to a Father who allowed me the space, the grace and the time to grow and KNOW, of a surety, that I have come home. I have come home, to Father, MY Father.

Today, I cry. Tears, of joy, of awesome wonder. I no longer await a knock, at the door. I no longer await, the ring of the phone. I no longer await an email, a letter, a kind word, a soft touch, a thought look. All of these things, and more, my heart experiences continually now from a father, from My Father, through His Word, through His CHARACTER, and through His Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

I am free now. Ever shall I be free. Forever. FOREVER!

Today, I stand. Nevertheless, the me that races to fill the blank page, is not the same she that sat here only just yesterday. However, she is exactly the same. She is just new, she is just free. She is just ME. She is beautiful. She is confident. She is joyful. She is hopeful. She is love. She is loved.

What will she be tomorrow? To her, it no longer matters. She is home.

Today, I stand. Not knowing what the next second may bring. Nevertheless, I am content. No matter where I go, I am home. No matter what comes my way, I am known. No matter what happens, I am never alone. However, I shall continue to stand, on God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, upon His Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

2 Corinthians – 1:20 “For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.”

Matthew 7:7– Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Jeremiah 29:13 -And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Romans 8:38-39– ³⁸For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, ³⁹Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our LORD.

Today, I stand. Seeing, through new eyes. Experiencing home. Today, I live. Yesterday, I cried. Nevertheless, those tears of sadness, of loss, led to me standing, led me home, to a father, to My Father. I am home. However, I shall continue, to stand.

Today, I stand, in unity, in prayer, with and FOR you. I stand, for those too weary, too disbelieving, too heart sick, to stand alone or at all. Nevertheless, I KNOW they will be okay, I KNOW that YOU will be okay. If you are reading these words, I am standing with/for you. Today, tomorrow, so long as I have breath, I shall stand, pray and wait for others to find their home, to find a father, THEIR Father.

Dad waits for you. I wait with Him. Come, my sister, my brother. It’s time for you to find and experience home, time for you to start living and not simply existing, counting down the clock until your days end.

Today, I stand. Not knowing if any shall stand, with me. Nevertheless, I stand. However, I shall continue to call out, to entreat, to encourage others to stand.

I love you. I stand. I am here.

Cassandra

His and yours…