Standing, today, is hard. I want to lay, in fetal position, and cry my eyes out. I’m missing mom, today. So much. I want to be angry, with her. I want to demand to know why she left. I want to be angry, with God. I want to demand to know why He let life take her. I want to be furious, with Life. ‘Dammit, why did you take my mom!’

I want to storm around, raging, acting a complete fool. I want to act like a child, want to toss things about. In frustration. In sadness. Nevertheless, I sit here, staring at another blank page, not knowing what to say. However, I stay, searching for words that hold little comfort, today.

Finding no comfort, in me, I stand here, on God’s Word, leaning heavily on His Character, and especially, on His Deep and Abiding Love for me. It helps. Oh, it helps. Yet, my heart misses mom so. Misses the sound of her voice, miss her deep, weird laugh. I miss the deep, compassionate look in her eyes. I miss mom, dammit.

Inside, I fall to the floor, in a fetal position, and rage away, toss things about, demanding to know from mom, from God, from Life why have me alone, during this stretch of my life. Nevertheless, inside I still have peace as God’s Word gives me hope that mom is doing well. Sadness, still remains. However, my heart rejoices knowing mom is pain free, in Heaven, laughing with God and kicking it with the angels. You go, mom!

I feel as though stuck, between a rock and a hard place: In choosing, to stand, in having given up my right to pride, fear, worry and doubt, the hurt hurts more. There is no finding earthly comfort in the pride of pretending all is well. There is no comfort in hiding with comfort food, or drinking, or distracting myself with this or that.

DISTRACTION!? Life is precious. I don’t have time to waste, not one day, not on second, on being distracted away from a day. We only get 24 hours in the day, if we are lucky. These hours are too precious to dismiss them, with distractions. Nevertheless, the hurt still hurts. However, I stand, shakily, fighting to remain in Life’s present moments, even the hurting ones. Especially the hurting moments…*sigh*.

When Life hurts, man, it is sooooooooooo very easy to want to run away. To hid from it. To quit. We don’t want to quit Life, just want Life to stop hurting us. We just want to stop hurting, dammit. Nevertheless, standing does not allow for hiding, therefore nowhere to run from the hurt. However, God’s grace is sufficient when life really hurts. Does it, though?

Years ago, I was injured at work. Someone had been goofing off and had run over my ankle and leg with some heavy equipment. Don’t even get me started on that yall….*angry pout*. In the emergency room, the doctor took one look at my swollen ankle and knee and said ‘Wow, they really messed you up, huh?’ Not great bedside manner, if you ask me.

I was given 10 oxycodon, wrapped up like a mummy, crammed into a Frankenstein-like walking boot, and told I would need physical therapy. The physical therapy was needed to help strengthen my ankle and teach me how to walk straight. The pain had me compensating. I found myself turning my ankle almost sideways in order to bear my weight. The doctor said I HAD to go to physical therapy or my ankle would not heal, properly, and that I would permanently damage my ankle if not having learned how to walk straight.

I HATED PHYSICAL THERAPY! It hurt! Getting there was a thrice weekly disaster/hell/ridiculous/nightmare of trying to cram a 400 pound walking boot, and myself, into my entirely too tiny for this thrice weekly disaster/hell/ridiculous trip to and from therapy.

Therapy? HA! The pain was so painful. Getting ready to go, was a nightmare. Howled, in pain, all the way through dressing, fighting with the boot, fighting with the car door, getting beat up by the damn brake pedals, dropping the damn keys and scrambling to find them among the gargantuan walking boot. Dammit! I would cry, angrily, all the way to therapy.

Arriving, to therapy, I had to reverse engineer getting into the car, so I could get out of the damn car that took half the damned morning getting into it. Dammit!! Snorting, pouting, hurting and trying to gingerly manuever my 400 pound crime scene out of the car, I emerged, triumphant out of the car. Meaning, I managed to scrape my howling self out of the car and into the office.

We won’t even discuss the session, itself. Suffice it to say, I wanted to slap My physical therapist. my therapist, I am sure, wanted to pop me. Together, we managed to stay alive long enough for them to torment me, cajole me, entreat me, fight with me, support me, whilst I learned to walk straight. Goodnight it was painful. It was awful.

This went on for weeks. There were many days when I wanted to just give up, wanted to quit. I was tired. From the pain. From the effort. From the endless routine of effort and pain. Rinse. Repeat. I wanted the pain to end. Did not care, one whit, how, just wanted the pain to stop.

One morning, I decided not to go. I called my physical therapist and told her I just couldn’t do it. Not today, anyway. The pain was just too much, today. The effort was simply too much, today. She let me rant a bit, let me even cry a bit. Then, she quietly told me to try to come, today. Just to try. If I didn’t go, today, it would make it that much easier to not try the next day, or the next day. I needed to try to come, today. ‘Come today’.

At the time, I thought she was so mean. How could she NOT see that I was hurting? Where was the compassion!? Where was the understanding!!? Didn’t she know I had already tried and could not do it, not today?! Her lack of compassion, seemingly, fueled my anger. Angrily, I stormed around, as much as one could storm around on a busted ankle, crammed myself into my 400 pound mortal enemy, slapped the car door around, fumed all the way to the office, lurched out of my 300 pound car, with my 400 pound mortal enemy and faced my tormentor.

Needless to say, I WAS able to complete the session. And, the next. And, the next. Eventually, I was better. I no longer had to go to physical therapy. I still have some weakness, in those hurt areas. The weather affects things. If I do too much, it affects things. But, if I take care of myself, my ankle and knee takes care of me.

I am thankful my physical therapist was tough on me and refused to allow me to give into the pain. She saw the big picture. She was looking at my forever. I had been looking at my present. Rather, I had been looking at my HURTING present. I hurt too much to be able to concentrate on the fact that my ankle and knee were healing.

By going to physical therapy, my ankle regained strength. I began to regain confidence in my ankle holding my weight. I even began to be proud of myself for withstanding all the pain and mastering the dreaded exercises. They were many. They were painful. Yet, those painful moments were teaching me to walk, straight ahead, not crooked and compensating.

God and Life does not want us making our way through life compensating and crooked. This is why both God and Life will sit there, silently, and ALLOW us to choose to stand, to grow, to fight, to live, to laugh, to love THROUGH the tough times, in the midst of the hard times, enduring the hurt. KNOWING that as we fight, live, love, grow, laugh and stand, we are making our own way straight.

God and Life seems so cruel, when they allow us to struggle our way to healing and growth. We find ourselves stuck between a rock and the hard place: do we move forward, and grow, or do we give in, to the pain? Do we give ourselves permission to rage, cry, and howl in pain, demanding to know where God is, why Life is being so mean? Why are yall being so mean!!? Why are you silent?! Why do I HAVE to go through these painful things alone?

Nevertheless, we MUST stand. However, we MUST grow.

God and Life are not being mean, when tough time happen, when loved ones leave us, when we lose this thing or that. I am so thankful when God offers me His Grace and not covering up my pain with distractions or offering me a cookie for my boo boos. The ONLY way I learned to truly stand was to STAND THERE AND TAKE IT. I learned to love, through it all. To fight, through it all. To believe in me, through it all. To believe in God, through it all. To believe in Life, through it all.

God’s silent support, and Life’s silent support, whilst we fight to stand, is His Pillow He gives to us, while we remain between a rock and the hard place. He wants us to LIVE this life, not simply survive it, hiding behind ‘distractions’.

Life challenges us with tough things. Nevertheless, God’s Word says: 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Losses challenges us by snatching people, places or things. However, God’s Word says: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – 3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

the enemy challenges us by laughing and saying that God does not care, that He is NOT there, with us, in the fight. Nevertheless and However, God’s Word says: Isaiah 41:10 – Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

I look around, and find myself standing, again. My insides have also decided to stand. My heart has also decided to stand. Yes, I still miss my mom. Terribly so. Yes, I still am a bit lonely, from not having a posse, a family of my own. Nevertheless, His Grace is sufficient. However, His Love, Compassion, and Care covers me. Always.

Beloved, Life gets hard. Nevertheless, continue to STAND. On God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, on God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for YOU. Precious One, God’s silence seems distant, seems cruel. However, He IS there, for you, with you. He cheers you onward. He will help you, when you fall. Life is there for you, also, entreating you to keep on going.

Life may hurt, today. Nevertheless, stand. Life DOES hurt, today. However, keep on going, keep on loving, keep on reaching out. You can make it. You WILL make it. You are NOT alone. Your voice DOES matter. YOU matter.

For those who hurt, today, I pray these words may offer you a pillow, to support you as you remain between a rock and the hard place. Rest awhile, my sister, my brother. Take a moment to breathe. Then, arise. ARISE! We miss our loved ones. Nevertheless, they cheer us onward. We grieve lost opportunity, lost love, lost this or that. However, those losses lead to so very many priceless gains of wisdom, inside, laughter through adversity, moments of success and failures. ALL of these things truly will and do work for our good.

Life is short, beloved. Nevertheless: Isaiah 35:3-5 – Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. ⁴Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you. ⁵Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.

I don’t have much else to offer except my love, shoulder, care and prayers. All that I have, I offer to you. I ask nothing, in return, other than your promise to keep standing, to keep trying, to keep going. Yes, I hope for some deep and abiding friendships, one day, from this blog post and many other places. Nevertheless, I am content, living life the best way I know how. I rejoice, KNOWING, that I am loved, that God AND Life, are both here for me, right here, with me, fighting for me, cheering me on, offering their Nevertheless and Howevers for ALL of life challenges and hard times.

You CAN do this. You WILL do this. Stand, beloved. STAND!

standing with you in love, laughter and hope,

Cassandra

His servant and yours…

I find myself at a loss for words. Literally, at a complete and utter loss of words. I honestly don’t know what to say. Have no earthly idea, what I am SUPPOSED to say. For a writer, this is an awful position to be in. I look at the keyboard, I stare at this blank page and wonder what I am doing here. Nevertheless, I am here. However, I stay. Looking, at the keyboard. Staring, at this blank page…*sigh*.

Normally, I sit down with a purpose: I want to encourage someone. I need to encourage myself. I long to share some wonderful, useful, hard, frustrating, joyful thing that God and Life had shared or shown me. This is not the case, today. Nevertheless, I am here. However, I stay. Looking, at the keyboard. Staring, at this blank page.

I suppose, I should go ahead and start. To try and make these words make sense. For, you. For, me. ESPECIALLY for me. You see, I had no intentions of writing. At least, not today. At least, not now.

I’m tired, you see. Physically, tired, after having fought the night, AND the dawn. The night and dawn, won, yet again. I tore little rest from their grasp. So little, in fact, I have NO idea where to put commas, semi colons, or any other things us writers use to be clever, to be effective, to be thought knowledgeable and welcoming. I feel none of that, right now: knowledgeable or effective.

Ah! The first clue as to why God, why Life, why my accountability partner has been prodding me to sit here, to stay here, and to write. I still don’t know why these words are so important to them. Nevertheless, I am here. However, I stay. Looking, at the keyboard. Staring, at this blank page.

Nevertheless. However….hhmm. These words are qualifiers. They tend to negate EVERYTHING that has preceded them, that has come before them. They are like the word ‘but’: we think you are well suited, for the job, BUT, we have selected someone else. You have such a wonderful and giving heart. Nevertheless, I have chosen to be with so and so. It’s not you, it’s me. You are such a wonderful writer. However, we have selected so and so to handle the project, using your ideas/words and talents. They will reap the rewards and you will know, because of you, the job will get done. You understand. You allow the losses. Nevertheless, the losses hurt. However, you scrape yourself up, once again, and try. See how they work?

I looked up what qualifying language is and found this: Qualifying language is when a writer or speaker uses words that make a statement less or more certain. For example, instead of saying ”We will overcome this challenge,” a qualifying statement would be ”Our goal is to overcome this challenge.” Another way to think about qualifying language is that it weakens or strengthens your action words.

After the last few months, I am less certain, of me. I am more certain, of God and Life. The last few months….egads, the last few months have been a special level of hell. From every direction hell broke out and acted a fool: lifewise, workwise, healthwise. Good egads….*shiver*.

I would love to tell you that I handled hell and life, like a champ. Would dearly love to show you all the medals I had won in conquering all that had tried to conquer me. If I was an actual writer, I would write something brilliant and stunning. I would declare that I had scraped by and entered the sunlight, with my pride, at least, intact. That is NOT what happened. Thank God. Thank God…

For months, I had been struggling with the loss of my mom. I didn’t share this with anyone. I told myself I was sure folks were deathly sick of me missing my mom. I had need of her. I had been struggling, mightily, with some past and persistent chronic health things. Health things that were not bad enough, to kill me, but were frustrating, painful, maddening enough to make sleep impossible and the notion of work out of the question. Yet, I HAD to work. I needed a paycheck to pay the bills. I needed to talk to my mom. I NEEDED MY MOM! I needed to let her know how I had been fighting to keep fear away. I was beginning to feel afraid: of my health getting worse(it was), of losing my job because my health was getting worse(I could barely concentrate at work due to lack of sleep and worrying about my health and trying NOT to worry about my health).

I needed to hear mom’s ‘everything will be okay’. Knowing I would never hear those words from her, hurt. I hid that hurt from me. Hid it from God. Hid it from Life. Hid it from my accountability partner. Instead, I allowed my pride to keep me bound up in a ball of fear, worry and doubt.

This is when my heroine, or rather the source of extreme annoyance/frustration popped up and got all up over my case about not being ‘100’ with her, with God, with Life about my health. Busted. Of course, I hid behind pride and used excuses about how hard life had been. I showed her my scars, showed her my wounds, entreated her, entreated God, entreated life for a bit of compassion, already.

She was having none of it. NONE! She kicked me in the hind end, told me to get up off my knees and to get back, on my foundation, and to STAND, on God’s Word, on His CHARACTER, on His Love for me. She told me to STOP listening to lies and foolishness that I couldn’t make it, that I was too sick, that I was going to lose my job. I was tired. Life and hell was absolutely pounding me. Where was my compassion? Nevertheless, she said, stand, on God’s Word. However, lean on His CHARACTER and His Love for me.

Frustrated, and full of pride, I stormed to God and told Him that I was trying. I WAS. Yet, I was exhausted. From dragging myself from the bed, each morning, struggling through the day, often losing, return to bed. Only to rinse/repeat the days. I’m tired, God. I’m tired. Nevertheless, He said, “I am here, for you. I am here, with you. You can do this, My Daughter. You can. Life has thrown you many obstacles and have made your way difficult. However, I have made a way of escape for you. Stand on My Word. Lean on My CHARACTER and My Love for you”.

With those words, God left me to my struggles. He became silent. Life became silent. My accountability partner became silent. Outside, hell raged. Inside, pride, worry, fear and doubt were much worse than any hell the outside could ever think to provide.

To make matters worse, I had to fight this battle as Clark Kent and not Superman. In times past, I was able to rely on grit, hard work, and determination to make my way through. I am intelligent, normally have high energy and a positive outlook on work and life. Let me tell you, high energy, positive attitude and intelligence all told me to kick rocks and what I could do with my outlook!

So, here I fight, with BOTH hands, seemingly, unfairly, tied behind my back as Life and the enemy, pummeled me unmercifully. I can not begin to tell you who I was more angry with: God, for getting me into this trusting Him mess to begin with, Life, for siding with God and telling me to trust myself with Him, my accountability partner for forever kicking my hind end to ALWAYS keep it ‘100’ with her, with God, with Life. Or, myself, for making the hard choice to keep it ‘100’, for trying, and failing, and trying, and failing, and trying, and failing, to put away pride, worry, fear and doubt.

You would think we are in the part of the movie where I would valiantly rise, and declare victory over the vanquished foe called pride. Nope. Nada. I think not. Instead of listening to wise counsel, I continued, for a time, to use my pride as a shield, as an excuse to stand on old voices of fear, worry, and doubt that told me I would never make, that I surely could not take it. Those voices! The frustrating thing about those voices are that most of them did not even belong to me!

They were voices from my past. From well meaning parents, teachers, siblings, friends and foes who instilled fear in me, about this. Dread, about that. Worry, because of him. Doubt, because of her. I used to try and fight back against those voices. I would remind them that I am ME, that I am different. I told them that my life WOULD be different, that I am different. Nevertheless, the voices said ‘you will never make it. You will be pregnant by the time you are 15. No one will ever love you because you are too loud, you are too muscular, you are too athletic, your appearance is not pleasing to the opposite sex, hell, to ANY sex!’. I tried to fight back and say that I WAS a good person, that I had a good heart, that I cared for others, that I worked hard. However, the voices said ‘you will NEVER measure up. You will never BE enough. Not for us. Not for Life. And, surely, not for your God. He requires perfection. He requires everything. Your everything will NEVER be enough for God. Ha!’

This next part is hard. It makes me cry. For me. Cry, because I allowed myself to listen to that nonsense. Worse, I allowed myself to wrap myself, in pride, and hide. From, me. From, Life. From, God. Yea, I hid. Especially, from Him. Much as I loved Him, I was equally, as ashamed, of me. Secretly. For years. I was ashamed that I would never be able to give enough, to love enough. I looked deep into this heart of mind. It looked fine to me. It was full of love. For life. For mankind. For God. For my family. Nevertheless, I had no family of my own. I desired one. However, Life saw fit to keep one from me. Or, rather, I ALLOWED pride to keep me from believing God, from believing Life, from believing that others loved me, still. Flaws and all.

Each tried to convince me that I was enough. You matter, they said. Just because you are you. There is nothing you need to do. Nevertheless, I MUST keep trying, I said. I scrounged around, in this tattered heart of mine, desperately searching for valuables that I could give to God, that I could give to Life, that I could give to friends, that I could give to a family of my own. The only thing I found was love and words. I had not very much money. I didn’t own a home. I didn’t own a car. I had spent much of my life helping my mom and working to help take care of family and friends.

I didn’t take time for vacations. I didn’t rest much. I didn’t have time for movies or romance or…..wow, seems I had no time for much of anything, let alone building a life for myself. I had to work, to earn my keep. I had to work hard, always. I had to complain not, always. I had to give all I had, find more, give that, and be glad about it, always.

Years turned into decades. Decades turned my steps towards 50. 50 would find me searching, struggling, fighting to find a life of my own, with mom. Full circle…*sigh*. I need my mom. Need to tell her I don’t think I am going to make it. I imagine her telling me that I COULD make it. I could feel her entreating me to stand on God’s Word, to TRUST in His CHARACTER and His Deep and Abiding Love. For ME. Nevertheless, I told mom, I can’t do this without you. I am trying, mom. However, I fail more than I succeed. All that I have to show this life, mom, is my efforts, is my love, is my care. NONE of these seem sufficient, mom. NONE OF THESE!

Each day, I arose. Each day, I fought. Each day, I lost. At the end, of each day, I gathered my meager effort and love and presented it to God, to Life. I did so with head down. I could not bear to see disappointment, disgust, anger, fear or regret. They had to have these things in their eyes. I surely felt them in mine.

One morning, I arose. Tired, still. Angry, still. Disappointed, still. Afraid, still. Disgusted, still. Angry, still. Regretful, still. Nevertheless, I made up my mind to stand: on God’s Word. I told Life, I told God, I told me, I don’t have much. All that I have to give you, is me. However, I shall make it the best me that I can. I give all that I am and pray that will be enough. I leaned heavily on God’s CHARACTER and His Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

At the end of day, I gathered my meager effort and love and presented them to God, to Life. I did so, defiant, standing on God’s Word while desperately holding onto God’s CHARACTER and His Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

Rinse and repeat. Each morning, I arose. I fought. I gathered. I presented to God, to Life, to the enemy. Each evening, God, Life, and the enemy kept presenting their evidence, using NEVERTHELESS and HOWEVER to make their cases on either side of the win/loss ledger.

I would say: this is all that I have today, God. God, would say, ‘Nevertheless, this is plenty for Me. Keep going, My Child. I love you. I am here, for you. I am WITH you. You are not alone. NOTHING passes through your life that is not first approved, by Me. Even, the hard things. Yea, the hard things help in that they require you to set aside your pride, your fear, your worry, your doubts and causes you to seek Me, to rely heavily upon MY CHARACTER, to lean upon My Deep and Abiding Love for you. Keep going. the enemy would have you think I am not near. However, his words are the opposite of all that I am. For, I AM. Keep going.

I would say: this is all that I produced today, Life. Life, would say ‘Nevertheless, your all is ALL that God and Myself have ever asked of you. Notice I say ‘ask’. We ask to partner with you, through life. You were never meant to fight alone, to be alone. You were never meant to pay your way, to earn your keep. It was NEVER God’s choice, or My choice, for you to struggle to prove this in order for you to have that. Your life was always meant to be abundant. To be full. Nevertheless, the enemy, other voices, other things made their voices heard in order for you to give up on the awesome life created FOR you, long before you were born. Nevertheless, I, Life, created opportunities, called moments, and hid them in your days so that you might find some joy, peace, hope, and love for your life. I know you never understood why Life was forever kicking your hind end. However, these things were done to get you to fight, to get you to try, to persuade you to keep going. No matter what. No matter why. No matter who. Keep going. Keep standing on God’s Word, on His CHARACTER, and upon God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for you.

I would say: I gave my all, you stupid enemy, in spite of everything. I held up my head, despite your attempts to make me feel small. I took my small beginnings, gave them to God, and watched Him turn them into my present, and my future. the enemy said ‘you are a fool. You believe fool’s gold. You will never live your dreams, you will never have a voice that matters. You will never be seen, heard or loved. You will spend an eternity seeking these things. Nevertheless, I tell the stupid one, I know YOUR end. you hid yourself in lies, in the voices of others, and yes, even in me. However, I can do ALL things, through Christ who loves me. I may never have a family of my own. Nevertheless, I shall continue to love others, to the best of my ability and shall give them ALL of me, ALL the days of my life. I may never see a house on the ocean, I may never get to write, for a living. I may never see the desires of my heart. However, I serve at God’s Pleasure, at Life’s pleasure. I love this world, and all the souls within it and will spend the rest of my days encouraging folks to keep on going, to keep on trying, to keep on loving, to keep on seeking. I shall spend the rest of my days STANDING on God’s Word, leaning heavily upon HIS CHARACTER, not your lies. I shall always and ever rest in God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me. FOR ME! HA!

I won’t lie to you. It took weeks of standing, falling, weeping, standing, falling, raging, standing, falling, rising for life to begin to take hold. This may seem ridiculous and hard to believe, but, I began to rejoice, in the hard moments. I no longer ran from the hard moments, from the terrifying moments, from the unbearable moments. Each of these moments, as difficult as they were, gave me another opportunity to stand, to declare God’s Awesome CHARACTER and shout, to the world, to Life, and, yea, to the foolish enemy, that My God loves me. GOD LOVES ME! God does NOT rejoice over my suffering. He is WITH me. In EVERY moment. Even the hard ones. Especially, the hard moments.

When I received an awful text that this one had died, God was with me. When I was so sick I could barely make it, to the bathroom, let alone to work, God was with me. When I received the unbearable news that the friend I had prayed so earnestly for, had died, God was with me. When work was so hard and I messed up more than I seemed to fix, God was with me. When I lost the battle to leave my bed and begin the day, God was with me. When the losses grew so large, and too many and spilled over into the next day, God was with me.

You would think this would be a glorious end to this tale. I had vanquished pride. I had told worry, fear and doubt where to go and told them all NEVER to return. I was free of them. Every time I chose to stand on God’s Word, each time I leaned heavily upon God’s CHARACTER, every moment I fell gratefully onto God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me, God removed a chain, tore down a barrier, kicked down a wall. Until, one day, there was ONLY He. He was My Protector. He was My Covering. He was My Help. He was My Provider. He was My Healer. He was My Deliverer. He was My Father.

He became My Father. Rather, I finally allowed Him to BE My Father. Before, I would push Him away. As a Father. I was fully capable of being His servant. He longed to be My Dad. He yearned for me to be His Daughter. He wanted to sweep me up, into His Arms. He wanted me to mess with His Crown. He wanted me to climb on His Neck and hang there, laughing with Him and allowing Him to love me.

FINALLY! I was free. I was loved. I walked in love with not one ounce of worry, fear or doubt to cloud my days and hound my nights. Yes, I still had rough times, to get through. Nevertheless, God was with me. I was still physically fighting chronic things. However, all the promises of God are yes and amen.

Que the music. Show a lovely scene of me galloping through fields, of clover, with God, when…..

What in the fresh hell!?! A project I dearly love was suddenly taken away. It had taken a decade to conceive and help bring into fruition. Snatched, without warning. A friend I held dear, decided they no longer wanted to hold dear to me and told me they were no longer my friend. A job I had worked a decade to have was snatched away. With no warning. I would be moved to something new, something foreign. I received a text with the most awful thing I have EVER read in a text. I mean ever. More than one family friend had passed away from Covid, still others lives were hanging, in the balance, also from Covid. ALL of these things happened in the matter of three weeks time.

Yet, this time I lost it all and had nothing to hide behind. God had allowed Life and others, and the enemy, to help Him strip me of all pride, fear, worry and doubt. In their place, I had Him. I could rest. I could have joy. KNOWING that after having lost it all, I would gladly lose it all over again, KNOWING that in losing, everything, I had gained EVERYTHING. I gained me. I gained purpose. I gained a Father. My Father. What more could I ask for or need?

Today, I can boldly say, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. In real talk, that means no matter how, no matter who, no matter how hard, no matter how long, no matter how lonely, no matter how painful, no matter how embarrassing, no matter how lonely, no matter, whatever, I shall ever STAND upon God’s Word, leaning upon His CHARACTER, and receiving God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

I find my words have come, to an end. Much more to say. Too much sad to say them. In writing, every word had to be lived all over again…*sigh*….it was impossible the first time. Heartbreaking, this time. Broken, open, and free, I say these words to you:

1 Corinthians 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 King James Version (KJV) 3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?

The ONLY thing standing between you and true love is YOU. The ONLY thing standing in between you and your dreams is YOU. The ONLY thing standing between you and peace, love, joy, healing, deliverance and all that you need is YOU.

What a humbling thing: to realize I had kept me from my home on the ocean, from being married, from possibly having kids, from pursuing a rewarding career. I allowed pride, doubt, worry, fear and all manner of foolishness to keep me from standing, to keep me from giving 100, to keep me. Yea, I kept myself in a prison, of my own making. Having been freed, I turn to you and ask: how long will you stay there, silently, within the prison of your own making? How long, will you hide: from yourself, from God, from those whom you love and from those who love you, from life?

You can remain hidden. God will love you, still. He will grieve, and will love you, still. In your hiding. You CAN be free, you know? You CAN be healed. You CAN love. You CAN experience joy. You CAN have all the peace you want. You CAN live a victorious, hilarious, joyous and abundant life.

How? By allowing God to be Your Nevertheless. By letting Him be Your However. There will ALWAYS be battles to fight, hearts to love, wars to win. There will ever be voices which will seek to get you to doubt, to worry, to regret, to fear. Nevertheless, God’s Word, His CHARACTER, and His Deep and Abiding Love will ALWAYS be there, for YOU. the enemy will ALWAYS work to convince you that you will never make it, that you surely can’t take it. However, Your Father, God, is there to BE Your Father, if you will but allow Him to be.

I pray that you stand. I stand with you. I pray that you choose to lean upon Dad’s CHARACTER, upon The Father’s Deep and Abiding Love, for YOU. I pray healing, in our heart. I pray grace, for your soul. I pray peace, for your spirit. I pray courage, that you may face yourself, that you may face your fears, that you may face your pride, that you may face your worry, that you may face your doubts and that you emerge, victorious. When you get knocked down, I pray you rise, again.

I wait for you. I wait with you. On the other side, of your victory. You are writing your story, even as you read these words. Yes, you are already writing your tale of victory. It is YOUR turn, now. These pages, called your life, are blank and awaiting to see what you will fill your pages with. It took me 50 years to work all the pride, worry, fear and doubt from my story. I absolutely REFUSE to waste another page, another day, another thought on worry, regret, or fear. They can ALL kick rocks. I stand.

Arise, beloved. It is time.

standing for you until you can stand for yourself and with me as we wait for others,

Cassandra

His servant and yours. I serve at His pleasure and yours. If these words, have moved you, please comment. Don’t hide. Others need YOUR courage. They are ready to come forth, they are ready to be healed, they are ready to be loved. Some, just need the comfort of a crowd. Lord, bid them come. We are here. We are waiting. Come…

P.S. The writer in me cringes at all the typos left behind, all the grammatical errors, all the….egads. Yet, I leave them. As a sign that I am not perfect, nor does Dad want me to be. He likes it when I color outside the lines….;)

A very important lesson has been learned today.

A lesson learned, by me.

This lesson, God and Life’s Lesson, played out for, by, and with me.

With me, in mind.

The lesson begins,

as all lessons do,

with a question.

With THE question.

I asked God and Life: is THE question meant for me, or for You?

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

Once said, these words, set off a fire.

This fire started, from deep within.

An answer, now needed.

A journey, started.

God and Life’s journey, for sure.

By one, in need of answers.

By one, in search of why:

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

God and Life bid me to come with them, so go with them, I did.

This is what God and Life showed me:

God led me, to His workshop. Such an ordinary space, in the midst of grandness. Yet, the space did not call to me. The piano did:

A wonderous piano,

built by God’s Own Hands.

Each line had been sanded, pure.

Every piece of wood, hand-crafted.

Painstakingly made, by God’s Own Hands.

In awe,

I placed my hand upon such priceless wood.

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

Question, still burning, Life led me, to His workshop. What an awesome space, in the midst of ordinariness.

The space, called to me:

A wonderous place,

built by Life’s Own Hands.

Every piece of wood, hand-crafted.

Painstakingly made, by Life’s Own Hands.

As I looked upon this wonderous place, the room began to fill.

Fill with countless souls,

waiting for the Maestro to answer these same questions:

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

As row, upon row, upon row, upon row, began to fill, I began to wonder:

“Why are they here?”

They are here to hear The Maestro, both God and Life declared. The answers, to their questions lie here.

Underneath the fingers of The Maestro, the answers to their questions, to your questions, remain:

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

The Maestro called for His piano, asked quietly for His Black Tuxedo. The Black Tuxedo is worn, to keep the music the focus, both God and Life, said.

It’s ALL about the music, for the audience.

This is why they had come.

Come, to find the answers.

Answers, to the very same questions, I had:

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

Piano finally wheeled out, Life turned, held open the Black Tuxedo for The Maestro, to adorn.

God turned, and received said Jacket, made for HIS broad shoulders, to bare. God, The Maestro, regally donned His Tuxedo, sat upon the piano bench shaped by His very hands.

Quietly, removing His Crown, God made ready to play for the masses, set down before.

Millions, upon millions, strained to hear God’s Chords.

Each person, breathlessly waiting,

to hear The Maestro’s song.

All of Heaven; breathless.

All of Earth, stood still.

Waiting,

to hear,

the answers,

to questions, raging still:

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

I, too, waited.

Waited, breathlessly: to hear answers to the questions posed, those answers awaiting me.

The Maestro and Life, turned and looked at me. Looked at me, and said:

The music can not start, the answers could not be revealed. Each were waiting for, the missing piece. The Maestro’s song could not be played as something was still missing, the most needed key.

Bidding me come closer, both The Maestro and Life, called out to me. Hesitantly, I crossed the stage, attempting to hide. I did not wish to be a distraction, just wanted a seat, inside. My only desire, to hear the song all of Heaven and Earth waited for.

Looking over the shoulders of The Maestro and Life, I saw what was needed.

Finally, I understood.

Who, I was.

What, my life, was for.

For, there, among God’s keyboard, a key was missing, still.

God’s song, could not be played, without that missing key.

Turns out, that missing key, was me.

Feeling unneeded, from all the others, I had hopped down from God’s piano, and went in search of me.

God had never used me.

My key, had never been pressed

My note had never played.

My sound, unheard.

Unneeded, I thought, for sure.

I rejoiced for other keys, keys chosen and played, instead. Happy for each wonderous note, each keystroke, shared. I pondered, how those keys, must feel. Those keys, greatly needed, played and shared. I wondered, the joy those keys MUST have felt. They, had been chosen, by The Maestro, their call, in life, fulfilled.

I was never jealous, for keys chosen over me. I was happy, knowing, they were serving God’s purpose. This, their lives, were made for. Yet, I had longed a turn, a turn not meant for me, it seemed.

Thinking me, in the way, I bolted, for the door. Ran, to gain the knowledge, to the questions, I had posed. I could not remain, in silence, unused, like all those years, before. I could no longer, bear my silence, a silent voice, longing, to be heard.

I longed to comfort, needed to be received and shared.

Taking my rightful place, once more, I waited, with Heaven, with Earth, with Life, to hear The Maestro’s songs. The first note struck, was not sounded from my key. Which key, was of no import, the point, all keys played, in unison for all.

God played, for all that He was worth. The Maestro filled all of Heaven, filled all the Earth, with songs long needed, songs of healing, birthed. There were songs, of love. Songs, of laughter. Songs, long needed, to be repeated long after.

God filled each heart, with songs meant to free. God gave each one, His Love, His Blessing, His song within each heart, instilled. God played, til place did empty, He played, til Heaven departed. He played, til Earth quieted inside.

Removing The Maestro’s Tuxedo, Life replaced God’s Crown, instead. Both God and Life beconned me. This is what they said:

“The reason you were never, beconned, the reason, you were never played, was to get you to this day.

This day, meant, not just for you. This day, also, for the world.

This day, prepared, long before you were born.

This day, to comfort a world, in need of healing, in need of being free.

You need to know the point of the song, the point of the call, was never the key.

The key, is the vehicle, meant to carry the song.

Each note, needed WHEN needed, to be the one.

The one to help, the song, to do it’s thing.

For, it’s not about the key, though song can’t sing without the keys.

Each key, responsible, for it’s own note.

Each note, knit together, in harmony, builds the songs.

Songs of healing, songs of comfort, songs of victory.

All I need, is for you, to be the key and help Me fill the need”

“Who am I?”

“What of my life?”

“What is this, MY life, ever for?”

Some days, I am the most important key, in one of God and Life’s songs.

Other days, I am just a key, waiting to be played.

Either way, it does not matter, whether THE key, or a key, the songs of life, can never be played, without me.

Contented, I await the call. Til then, I wait, silently, cheering on other keys, just as I did before.

“Who am I?”. “What of my life?”. “What is this, MY life, ever for?”. Your questions, these questions, can only be answered by God and by Life. Ask them, of God. Ask them, of Life. The Maestro shall show up, for you, as He did, for me, God’s key.

What shall your answers be? Only God knows, and He is not telling…

His servant and your friend,

Cassandra

He loves me, even in these…

…defeats.

I see these defeats, as filthy rags.

God sees my defeats, as part of me.

He loves me, still.

He loves me, even in these…

…mistakes and missteps.

I see these mistakes and missteps, as disqualifiers.

God sees my mistakes and missteps, as making me.

He loves me, still.

He loves me, even in these…

…regrets.

I see these regrets as shameful things.

God sees my regrets, as shaping me.

He loves me, still.

“Still?”, I ask of Him.

“How, can You love me, still?

After all of my defeats, after all of my mistakes and missteps, after all of my regrets, how can You love me, still?”

Humbled, by my defeats, by my mistakes and missteps, by my regrets, I bow my head, in shame, and can not look into God’s eyes.

“I love thee. Not in spite of these things. Nay, BECAUSE of these things, do I love thee.”

“Lift up your head, My Precious One”, God said, gently, to me. “I love you, still.”

“Only one who has tried will find defeat, mistakes, missteps and regrets. “

“What you see as filthy rags, I see as precious garments fit for the daughter/son of a King!”

“Lift up your head!” God commanded me. “I love you, still.”

Lifting, my head, I look into the eyes of He, who loves me, still, even in these…

loved by Him as are you,

Cassandra

I find myself on my knees, again.

AGAIN!…*sigh*…

Staggering, to my feet, I try, Yet, again.

Again, I fail. Again, I find myself, on my knees.

AGAIN!

“Why do you ask me to try!?”

I asked this, of God. I asked this, of Life.

“Why do you ask me, to try, knowing that I will fail again!?”

In despair, I show God and Life, my newest failure. In anger, I toss it upon a growing pile.

Try again, God and Life, said to me.

Again, I try. Again, I fail. Again, I find myself, on my knees.

AGAIN!

In frustration, I show God and Life, my current failure. In defeat, I toss it upon the growing pile.

Try again, Life and God, said to me.

Again, I try. Again, I fail. Again, I find myself, on my knees.

AGAIN!

In tears, I show God and Life, my utter failure. Finally, hopeless, I toss it upon the growing pile.

Still on my knees, I crawl, slowly, helplessly, tiredly to the endless pile of…no idea what these things be.

Looking upon my endless pile of nothingness, I feel as nothing.

Feeling as nothing, I stay on my knees, despairing, defeated, hopeless and angry.

Look again, God and Life, said to me.

Turning, I saw pile upon pile of diamonds, rubies and gold.

Look closer still, God and Life, said to me.

Looking closer, I saw that each and every priceless gem contained all my effort, all my tears, all my hopes, all my dreams, in each effort, in every defeat.

Every blow that threw me, to my knees, produced a stone. Combined with my efforts, with my tears, those stones were pressed, were refined, were purified and turned into the priceless gems strewn before me.

They were everywhere. THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!

On my knees, still, I watched as God and Life began to pick up the priceless treasure I had made, while on my knees. God and Life began to distribute those priceless gems, to those in need. They began, with me.

God and Life handed me handfuls of love, basket fulls of care. All made, while on my knees. These gems began to fill me, strengthened me. They helped me, to rise, to my feet.

And, in rising, I began to help God and Life, to distribute the jewels that were born from the time, on my knees.

I find myself on my knees, again. This time, in thanksgiving. Again, while on my knees, I see another stone being formed. This time, I laugh while seeming to fail. Joyfully, lovingly I add the new stone to a newly forming pile.

When you find yourself, on your knees, don’t despair. Rejoice. For, your EFFORTS, your LOVE, and your CARE are forming priceless gems that will sustain, first you, then others. God and Life will use them to change lives, starting with your own.

on my knees with you,

Cassandra

“Who am I?”

I asked this, of God. I asked this, of Life.

God and Life said:

“You are Precious.”

“How can this be?”

I showed God and Life all of my mistakes. “How can I be precious, when I have fallen so short, when I have lost more than I have won, when I have failed to meet my expectations and yours?”

God and Life showed me all the countless moments where I had touched lives.

Unknowingly, by my seemingly clumsy, and, to me, fruitless efforts.

I was amazed.

By all the lives that had been touched:

By my efforts.

By MY hands.

Lives made better!

Lives more joyful!

Simply because I had tried.

Simply because I had been born.

While I had been holding my head down, despairing, many had laughed, many had loved because of me. Because I tried. God and Life just needed me to try. They just needed my effort. God and Life took care of the rest.

“What am I?”

I asked this, of Life. I asked this, of God.

Life and God said:

“You are Priceless”

“How can this be?”

I pulled out my small measuring stick and showed God and Life my small pile of efforts. Meticulously, I went over each one. Every time I had tried this, and failed. Every time I had reached for that, and missed out. I pointed out every error, fretted over every mistake. How could I be everything when I had nothing, to show, for the meager life, I had made.

Life and God told me to look behind me.

Turning, I saw and endless sea of Red roses. They went on, forever, it seemed. As far as I could see. The Red Roses, you see, were all the love, the joy, the hope, the peace that I had brought, to the world, that I had given, to the world, just by my effort.

While I had been holding my head down, despairing, many had laughed, many had loved because of me. Because I tried. God and Life just needed me to try. They just needed my effort. God and Life took care of the rest.

“Why am I?”

I asked this, of God. I asked this, of Life.

God and Life said:

“You are to just BE”

“How can this be?”

I pulled out every rule book that demanded a lifetime of giving, of doing. I went through every command to do this, to say that, to give here, to go there. There were so many pages! Endless pages, of how to live, who/what to live for. I despaired of ever getting to the end. There would never be enough hours, in the day, to do these things, to give these things, to be these things.

God and Life told me to look behind me.

Turning, I saw endless baskets of bread. They went on, forever, it seemed. As far as I could see. The bread, you see, were all the laughter, the encouragement, the fulfillment, the grace that I had brought, to the world, that I had given, to the world, just by my effort.

While I had been holding my head down, despairing, many had laughed, many had loved because of me. Because I tried. God and Life just needed me to try. They just needed my effort. God and Life took care of the rest.

“Who are you?”

God and Life, asked of me.

Looking back, at the roses, at the baskets of bread, I bowed my head, in humble thanksgiving, and said these things:

I am. Many things, I am:

I am love. I shall give it.

I am joy. I shall live it.

I am hope. I shall show it.

I am peace. I shall be it.

I am laughter. I shall share it.

I am encouragement. I shall do it

I am fulfillment. I shall grant it.

I am grace. I shall bestow it.

God and Life just needs me to try. They just need my effort. God and Life will take care of the rest.

I will try. I will give. I will love. I will let God and Life take care of the rest.

Who, what, and why are you, I ask of you?

You ARE!

being and trying with you,

Me (Cassandra)

Don’t give up.

Surrender, instead.

Don’t ever give up.

Instead, surrender…

I loved taking long road trips, with dad. He became a Superman, to me, during those times. There was no danger, he could not master. There was no circumstance, he could not drive us through. I trusted dad, completely, when he was under the wheel.

He was sooooooooooooooo sure, of himself. He knew that he was master of the road. He knew that where he meant for us to go, well, we were going to get there. Safely. We were going to make it. I don’t know why I had such utter confidence that we would make it to our destination.

Maybe, it was watching him in action: eyes focused, intent, taking no prisoners as we raced up and down the highway. Yea, I know, I was seeing, through the eyes of a child. I was trusting, with a child’s heart.

As children, we never worried about ‘getting there’. We piled, into the car, anxious just to ‘get there’. We didn’t give a second’s thought about ‘getting there’. We didn’t concern ourselves with possible/potential accidents. We gave nary a thought to the cost of the journey. Cared not one whit about who would pay for meals and snacks.

We never fretted about running out of gas, gave not the first thought to a breakdown. The thought never crossed our minds to be fearful. Of ANYTHING!

And, with complete faith, in total confidence, we surrendered our safety and care, into dad’s hands, and let him do all the dad-stuff, like driving, whilst we did the kid-stuff, like driving dad crazy forever asking ‘are we there yet?!’…sorry dad.

I loved laying, in the backseat, book in hand, while dad did his thing. The car would rock and shake, often from the big rigs running the road. I wasn’t afraid, when the whoosh of the wind, buffeted and shook the car. I didn’t even look up. I KNEW dad had the wheel. I was safe. In fact, I enjoyed the rush of the wind, the rocking of the car, the steadiness of dad’s hands on that steering wheel. He was rock steady. He ALWAYS kept us, riding, between the yellow lines. Always…..thanks dad.

Even when I grew older, even after learning how to drive, of being trusted to drive, I loved being a passenger, with dad, during those long road trips. He was the most dad to me, then. He always drove with such confidence, with such care. I felt completely and utterly cared for. Yea, yall, I felt LOVED during those times. Like nothing could or would ever hurt me. Felt that way, as I child, riding with him. Felt that way, as a teenager, riding with him. Feel that way, still, as an adult, just thinking of my dad, behind the wheel….*sigh*.

It was easy, for me to surrender, to dad’s driving, as I saw his driving, from HIS perspective, from HIS strength, from HIS prowess, from HIS knowledge. It was so easy to surrender, then. There was no FEAR there. Looking, from dad’s perspective, there WAS NOTHING TO FEAR!

It was only after I grew up, only after I learned what driving entailed, did FEAR begin to creep in. Suddenly, it seemed like dangers were everywhere. I began to see things from MY limited perspective, not dad’s. I began to question myself: could I stay between the yellow lines, could I get us ‘there’, without getting us lost, what would happen if the car broke down?

I took my focus, off the road ahead, and worried about traffic jams, road construction, other drivers. I fretted, about rain, during a sunny day. I prayed that the rain would not come. Yea, I admit to doing these things, as a new driver. Good yikes, a new driver!…*shiver*.

Eventually, I learned to trust in dad’s faith, in me, to see things, through HIS faith, in me. In so doing, I was able to surrender and trust, in ME. I did not give in, to the temptation, to wanting dad to ‘take over’. It took such a long time to learn NOT to give up. To NOT, doubt myself or my abilities.

You see, wanting to give up was ALL about FEAR. Giving up had ZERO to do with SURRENDER.

Giving up says ‘FEAR, you win. I can’t do this.

I won’t make it, to the end of the journey.

I am going to get us lost.

I am going to cause an accident.

I am going to wreck this vehicle’. I am afraid. I am alone.

Surrendering says ‘FEAR, you are a liar! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I CAN make it there. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I WILL make it there! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Just as dad, Dad and Life has taught me! I will make it! HA! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I will have love. I will BE loved. By God. By Life. By those that God and Life has and will put in my life, to love me and be loved by ME! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Giving up causes us to ball up our fists, in FEAR, towards Life and God. We are AFRAID of them: we are afraid to trust Them at Their word, we are terrified They will abandon us, we are skeptical of the people that God and Life, steer our way, to love us. Yea, when we give up, yall, we are not giving up on God. We are not giving up, on Life. The sad and hard truth, to own, to acknowledge, is that we actually give up, on ourselves. NOTHING breaks God and Life’s hearts more, than when we give up, on ourselves.

God and Life can live with us giving up on, Them. They can take it. It wounds them, when we wound ourselves, by giving up, on ourselves, on our dreams.

Surrendering, on the other hands, requires us to reach out, to extend outstretched arms. Yes, we fling our hands up, in surrender, KNOWING we will be sheltered, loved, cared for. Ah! Nothing like surrender, to set a soul free.

Speaking the TRUTH, chases out FEAR. FEAR is desperate for us to continue to give up, on ourselves, on our dreams, on those who want so desperately to love and care for us. FEAR needs for us to give up. FEAR can ONLY win, as we listen to it’s lies that we won’t make it, that there is not enough inside of us, to ‘get there’.

God and Life has always been in an eternal war, with FEAR, to win our hearts. Each side knows that FREEDOM lies in SURRENDER. While, bondage lies in GIVING UP.

It’s time, beloved. Time to tell FEAR to kick rocks!

Uncurl those fists, beloved. You do NOT have to be afraid. You WILL make it there. You WILL have love. You WILL be loved, by those that God and Life has and will send your way, to love you for the rest of your days. FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS, BELOVED! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Dad(God) is behind the wheel. TRUST Him. Trust IN Him. He has got you, beloved. You are safe, now. Fear not.

It’s time, beloved. Time to SURRENDER. Time to trust YOU. Time to trust IN you. Trust in the gifts that God and Life has so patiently given and taught you how to use. You can do this. You CAN. You WILL.

Find the courage, within you, to choose to see God and Life through THEIR perspective. Not, by your limited view(s). For, your view, up to now, has been clouded by FEAR: of what could happen, of what might not happen, of what you can’t be or can’t have or won’t find or won’t get.

Don’t give up. Surrender. I DARE you, beloved, to summon the courage to tell FEAR to go kick some rocks! You do NOT scare me!

I go first. I surrender. I will NOT fear. FEAR, go kick some rocks! You do NOT scare me!

cheering you on as you surrender,

Cassandra

Fear think it is slick. Fear think it is all that. I think NOT!

Fear is a coward. Fear tries to sneak up on you, in the dark.

Fear tries to get you alone, so it can attack. Yea, Fear is a coward. It can’t attack you, in the light, with others around. COWARD! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Fear is also a liar. Fear thinks it can keep you down, by lying to you. About, you. About, your future. HA! COWARD. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Fear tries to get you to doubt: yourself, what God has promised you, what Life has told you could be yours. I don’t think so!! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Fear attempts to get you to speak negatives, over your life. Fear understands the power of words. Fear, also understands it is limited. Fear can ONLY exist as we allow it to. Yea, FEAR, you ain’t bad! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

If you are afraid, that’s okay. All you have to do is to turn the light of truth on. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I CAN do ALL things, through Him who loves me. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I WILL succeed, in this life. God and Life, has equipped me with all that I need to grow, to go, to succeed. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

I SHALL love and be loved. God put the capacity, within me, to do love and to be loved. Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

God and Life will ALWAYS be here for me. The bible declares that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. NOTHING! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

If FEAR has been kicking your hind end, that’s okay. I go first, admitting that FEAR has dogged my days, and chased me, into the nights. Yep, I had allowed FEAR to lie to me. Sho nuff, allowed FEAR get me to doubt a couple of things. Yep, I had even been a dumbsky, and spoke foolishness that I couldn’t go any further, that God’s grace wasn’t enough, that I needed Him and Life to DO something. DO SOMETHING!!

Yet, both God and Life, stayed silent. They both watched as I allowed FEAR to pound me. Am sure they felt a bit sorry for me. Knowing, they had already equipped me with what was needed to defeat FEAR. They couldn’t step in and help me. If they did, they would always need to, wouldn’t they? When would I ever find the backbone, the strength, the determination to fight for myself if I always had to be rescued?

Also, God and Life knew one very important lesson: I would, eventually, get tired of getting knocked upside the head. Sooner or later, a blow would hurt enough to make me….mad. Yea, would make me angry enough, to fight back. Mad enough, to start speaking truth. Furious enough, to stick up for myself, for my dreams, for God and Life’s promises to me and for me.

Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

It’s time. Time for YOU to tell FEAR where to get off at! Go kick some rocks, FEAR. You do NOT scare me!

Turn on the light of truth, to your situation. Speak LIFE into your circumstances.

You CAN. You WILL!

Yea, FEAR,…….Go ‘head and kick dem rocks! You do NOT scare us!!

cheering as you kick FEAR to the curb,

Cassandra

My dad was a good driver. A great one, in fact. In good weather, or bad, he could drive with the best of them.

I never worried about traffic, with my dad. I never fretted about bad weather, with my dad. He was ALWAYS calm, while driving, in bad weather. He taught me how to be calm, as well.

My dad taught me how to drive. Good yikes, that’s another story for another day…..whew….sorry dad….

Dad showed me how to position my hands, on the wheel. Talked to me about being focused, ALWAYS looking ahead. He taught me how to drive between the lines, how and when to use my turn signals. He taught me how to be a ‘defensive driver’, taking others poor driving, into account, as well as my own.

Dad taught me the rules of the road, the dangers of the vehicle I wielded. He taught me how to change the oil, how to change the tires. He taught me enough to keep me out of trouble, how to get out of a small bit of trouble, if need be.

Once he taught me the basics, dad tossed me the keys and let me take the wheel on out of town trips. Yikes! Scary times. Exhilarating times!!

Dad let me start out slow. I didn’t have to worry about getting gas. I didn’t have to worry about reading the map. I didn’t have to worry about packing snacks and needed things, for the trip. The only thing asked of me was to keep both hands on the wheel, keep focused and looking forward, paying attention to other drivers and my actions, and, above all, keeping the car between the yellow lines!

Initally, I was always good. I could handle minor traffic. I wasn’t scared of small cars. But, the semis.

THE SEMIS! Those big trucks used to scare the holy goodness out of me. I wanted, desperately, for dad to take over. He wouldn’t. He just told me to ‘keep up with the traffic’ and would let me deal with the terror of those big trucks.

Eventually, I could handle driving among the big boys. In fact, I began enjoying weaving in and out, driving with the flow of traffic. I felt like such a big girl. I was driving, yall!! When dad saw that I was no longer afraid of the semis, he taught me how to drive with them. He showed me how to keep most of the rain and wind, from rocking our tiny car, by being right behind the semi.

“Don’t lose their headlights!”. Dad would ALWAYS yell this to me, when driving at night. During the daylight, he would counsel me. He would share with me how important it was to stay up on the tail lights so I could see.

The first time I lost the headlights and the darkness rose up to swallow all sight….egads….*shiver*…was terrifying. Dad refused to take over. He made me keep driving, terrified, in the darkness. He would just tell me to keep on driving until I caught some new headlights.

I had never prayed harder to see headlights, in all my life. And, please don’t lose those bad boys when it is dark AND raining! Whew!! Still, dad would not take over driving. He would just tell me to drive until I caught up with some headlights and make sure to keep up with the flow of traffic so as not to lose them again.

Eventually, I would find some headlights. I can promise you, I refused to turn loose of those headlights! I followed those bad boys until they turned off the exit. By that time, I was smart enough to have my next set of headlights in sight. That way, I could confidently slide behind and keep driving.

All the while, dad sat silently, letting me learn. I learned to drive, through all types of weather and times of day. Rain, snow, sleet….sleet scared me, intense sunshine, pitch black darkness. Through all those things dad trusted ME, to drive. Felt good. Being trusted.

Being trusted, though…..man, that can also bring a bit of fear along, with it. Now, I was responsible for my safety, for dad’s safety. I was responsible for keeping the car between the yellow lines. I was in charge of our speed, going the right way. Being trusted, yea, being trusted comes with all kinds of responsibility.

I thank my dad for allowing me to learn, for showing me I could be trusted. For, allowing ME to know that I COULD do it. I could do it!!

Once I had earned dad’s trust, had earned my own, dad started to expect more of me. I was expected to know what to bring. I had to fill up the car. I had to read the map and get us where we needed to go.

Before I had earned dad’s trust, he would let me drive and would pretend he was either sleeping, or not paying attention. But, the first time I had drifted too far off the road, and felt that terrifying sound of grooves reminding me to get back on the road, dad would reach over and steer the car back on the road. After I would get my heart out of my throat, he would take his hand off the wheel and let me keep on keeping on. He didn’t yell at me. Just reminded me to keep the car within the yellow line.

Eventually, I earned his respect enough where he actually trusted me and would take a nap or two. I was so proud to be driving, humming to music, slouching proudly and half low, in my seat. I no longer sat stiff and upright, terrified that I would end up in a ditch.

As I leaned on dad’s teaching, on my experience, on all the times I had arrived safely, I began to enjoy the long drives. I looked forward to them. Each time, I got to prove something, to myself, to my dad. I got to find out how much I had inside. I got to fight through fear and come out the winner. I was able to drive, semi alone, dreaming of a future when I had my own car, when I was full grown and living life and would be able to go where ever and whenever I chose.

Today, when going on a trip, I confidently pack the car, gas up and hit the road. I have NO fear of getting to my destination. I KNOW I will get there. I have done so, a million times. First, with dad, in the car. Then, grown, remembering dad’s teaching and leaned on those things.

At first, it was hard. Driving alone. Driving long distances, by myself. I would sit upright, clutching the wheel in semi terror. I would turn the radio off and pay close attention. Eventually, I would calm myself. How? By remembering all the times I had driven before. I would think of all dad’s teaching. I remembered his confidence, in ME. And, his confidence, giving me confidence, helped me to keep going. Until I got my driving sea legs.

I value driving times, now. I savor those memories of learning my way. Of meeting fear, head on. Of conquering that fear. I had NO idea what was inside of me, until I had to find out, what was inside of me.

I use that confidence in everything, now. I remind myself: stay between the yellow lines of life, keep within the flow of traffic, don’t lose the headlights(Life and God). By God, keep up with the headlights!

I remind myself to keep going: rain or shine, keep going Cassandra! Tough times or good times, keep on dancing and keep on keeping on. You WILL get to your destination. Relax, girl, you got this!

Turn up the music. Rejoice. Do a nice car jig, sing badly, but keep on driving. Keep on going!

Dad is in the car, with you. God and Life, are sitting there, on the passenger side, silently trusting you to keep on going. Both WILL reach over, as needed, to gently course correct.

You got this! Put on your cool shades, pack for your journey, and get a move on!

You have NO idea what’s inside of you, until you find out what’s inside of you.

I dare you to find out!

Ready? Set? Drive!!

You CAN do this. You WILL do this!

keep going,

Cassandra

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=j-k3kgBpRbk&feature=share

Not today, satan!!

When it seems as if you have been knocked out, you are down for the count, and you don’t know if you can or will recover…

If you are still on the ground, roll over on your back, and let the enemy know “not today, satan!!”

No giving up, folk. I don’t care what you are going through. You do NOT get to throw in the towel and quit.

If you think Life trying to knock your head off, tell Life “not today, homie!”

I shall NOT quit today. I shall NOT give up on me.

I SHALL trust God. I SHALL trust my efforts.

I REFUSE to let satan, Life, whatever or whoever, to see me sweat.

I SHALL overcome. So shall you. As you keep standing, as you keep fighting.

I don’t care if you have to rest. Rest, don’t quit.

Crawl, but you better NOT quit.

Seems like we can hang on for other folks needs and dreams but can find an excuse, right quick,when it comes to our needs and dreams.

Keep using those faith muscles! Life and God believe in you not to forever be running to your rescue.

Get back up and get back in the fight. I don’t care how hard it seems. I don’t give two hoots how much keeping on hurts.

Keep going!!!!

I kick my own hind end, first. Yours is next.

Life and God NEVER promised us a pain free or easy life. STOP looking for one, crying for one, waiting for one.

Life and God is waiting for us. This world needs us.

Get up, now. Yea, this hurts. Yes, this is hard. Yes, this is exhausting. Yea, it seems like this trial is taking forever.

So, what? Get a goin. We got dreams to fulfill, love to make and have.

going with you,

Cassandra