“I’ll talk to you on Tuesday”

Six of the most beautiful words on earth, to this NFL fan.

The playoffs start this weekend.

THE PLAYOFF STARTS THIS WEEKEND!!!!

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

Every year, I look forward to the playoffs. I let everyone know not to call me. Tell them please do NOT have an emergency, of any sort. I advise don’t even think about chatting with me during the weekend. It’s the playoffs, homies and homettes!!

Last night, I was talking to my twin…..*delicious shiver*. We had reconnected. Life or…..hmm….not sure what the or was. Anywho, life had taken us in other directions and we had not talked in ages. Now that we had reconnected, I looked forward to seeing her name light up my phone. We would make virtual coffee dates and yak endlessly on the phone about…..hmm…..everything and absolutely nothing!…*delicious shiver*.

Now, I don’t know what the most satisfying part of our calls are: the preparatory coffee readying and subsequent drinking of said coffee, the actual conversation, or the planning of the next call. Love the planning!….*delicious shiver*…..*hugs self*.

Sipping on the last of the coffee, we would decide whose turn it was to call next and what time. While I was thinking of whose turn it was, let alone what time the one would call the other, the exciting, yet, horrifying thought came to mind ‘the playoffs start tomorrow’. THE PLAYOFF STARTS TOMORROW!!

Hhmm…..*Cassandra frantically scrambles to find a chat time SOMEWHERE in the weekend…..hmm…

Pregame? Nope, have gotsa watch all the pregame! Need to know, yall, who is in, who is out. Need desperately to know which pundit was choosing which team. Yea, I need ot know these things, people. So, I can go back and laugh and sadly shake my head at the ones who didn’t get the right team right!

During the game? DURING THE GAME!!!?…*outraged gasp*….*Cassandra laughs mockingly at the poor soul who would even dare think she could be torn away during the game*. Even Jesus knows to bring the popcorn and hang out with me, during games. Yassssssssss, Jesus, the game starts tomorrow! Tell mom to bring the popcorn when yall come! Can’t wait to argue with mom on EVERY important play, during the game. Miss you mom….*sigh*….*hugs self*.

Postgame? Preposterous! I MUST watch every highlight, scream at the tv, over every ridiculous ref call that may, or may not have, cost my team the game. Yall cheated! YAY, yall FINALLY called a game right!….*delicious shiver*.

Okay, how about a sneak call on Sunday?….that’s a no go. It’s rinse and repeat on Sunday. How about Monday? That might work. Normally, though, I need Monday to sleep all day so I can get ready for work come Tuesday morning. Yea, Monday works! I can fit her in on Monday! Whew…*guilty sigh*….*hugs self*.

By that time, I was feeling a tiny bit bad. I enjoyed our daily yaks. Looked forward to them. Weighed my love a good yak with sis, with the love of NFL playoffs. Hhm……had to admit NFL playoff trumps a good yak. For diehard NFL fans there IS no good time, during the weekends, for a good yak. We don’t DO yaks on playoff weekends!…..*gasp*. Don’t even talk to us about anything during playoff weekends. Not even about the game. Nope. Hit me up, during the week.

Loving my sis, I tried to come up with a discreet, I love ya but can’t talk until Monday speech. I was giving up my Monday, my rest day, you see, to yak with her. I had to make up for needing the weekend, to myself. I did not want her to think that she wasn’t important. I did not want her to think NFL football was more important than our talks. They really weren’t. If she needed to talk, would gladly turn off the game and talk. Yak, no. Talk, of course.

I let sis know it was her turn to call. She knows I love football so I knew she would be okay waiting, until Monday, for our yak. I asked her what time she would be calling on Monday.

She let me know that she would not be calling on Monday. She said, “I’ll call you, on Tuesday. Monday, is your day of rest”. She proceeded to let me know she had already factored my NFL love into our calling equation. She had already factored in, my Monday rest day. She wanted me to enjoy my weekend. In fact, she was looking forward to a weekend to herself, also…..hahahahaha…..*delicious shiver*.

Here I was, worrying about not hurting feelings, of figuring out when/how to arrange our yak time, when sis already had things situated. She loved me, had taken my love of football, into account and made room for me and what I enjoyed. Awesome!

it’s okay to take some Me time, yall. In fact, it’s necessary. You can’t give to the world, if your bucket is empty from forever working, forever trying, forever striving. It has been a really long week. A super long month, which has barely started. I’m glad I had the nerve to be honest with sis, to be honest with me, and admit I needed my NFL playoff weekend. I needed to get off the Merry Go Round, of life, and just breathe, for the weekend….*takes satisfying breath*…..*delicious shiver*.

I had one last cup of coffee and convo with sis, let her know phone was going off, blogging was going off, snacks were being prepared and……”I’ll talk to you on Tuesday”…..yaasssssssssssssssssss!

Be sure to take some YOU time. Don’t be afraid, to talk to your fam/friends, and let them know you need a bit of a life break. They will understand. Go ahead and get off the Merry Go Round, of life, and do something just for you. Or, do absolutely nothing, just for you. Just do YOU. For a little while or forever how long you need, to get refreshed.

You can’t give the world what you don’t have. If you are on empty due to life or work or….you fill in the blank, it is necessary to pull into the nearest station, for a fill up.

Let God and Life, fill you, again, so that you can get back out there and love on folks. Take some time and love you, first. You have to fill you, first, in order to be able to fill others.

What is your Tuesday moment? Okay, um, I’ma gonna need you to tell me all about it on Tuesday! It’s NFL playoff time. YYYYAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!…..*Cassandra shuts down the phone and head for some snacks*….enjoy your weekend and tell me all about it on Tuesday.

loving folks but kicking them to the curb for the weekend,

Cassandra

I was looking for a miracle. Looking for things to change, for a change. Got tired of walking around the same mountains and decided to ask God and Life for a miracle.

God and Life answered, by giving me another day. I used the day, the WHOLE day, waiting for a miracle. I grew impatient, looking, listening, waiting. I tried waiting PATIENTLY, as the bible always says. Yea, tried to wait, patiently. Nothing happened that day…*sigh*. Try again, tomorrow, God and Life said to me.

I jumped, out of bed, anxious to finally have my miracle! Maybe, maybe, o, maybe, my miracle would arrive, today!!!

I asked God and Life for a miracle, asked them both, for a change. God and Life answered, by giving me another day.

Another day!…*pout*…..

What am I going to do with another day, of waiting, of wondering, of trying to be patient, for my miracle to arrive…*sigh*.

I spent that next day, the WHOLE day, trying to figure out what I would do, whilst waiting for my miracle. Waiting was getting awfully frustrating! Too frustrating to do something. Frustrated, and unable to do a thing, I sat, silently waiting, loudly huffing and puffing, feigning grace and patience, waiting for my blasted miracle to arrive, already!! Where are you, miracle?!

Trying NOT to blame God and Life, for getting me all fired up, for the miracle that never seems to come, I decide to give them one more chance.

God and Life answered, by giving me another day. Being tired, of just waiting around, I decided to use a few hours to try my hands at something. I was tired of focusing on me, focusing on the ‘miracle’, I was desperate for.

If I was forced to be honest, well, to be honest, I had forgotten what the miracle was even supposed to be. Just needed a change, in my life. Just needed a miracle: something fantastic, outside my reach, beyond my comprehension, that would change my perceptions, thereby changing my circumstances, which would change my life. I guess I was waiting for a miracle, to change my life.

Being tired of worrying about a miracle, I mean, being tired of waiting, for a miracle, I decided to help a person or two. Helping them, felt good. Seemed to help me. Helped me to look outside myself and into the life of another, of others.

Doing this, well, it changed my perceptions. My changed perceptions made me want to use another few hours to try other things, to help other folks. Spent the next few hours, helping, caring, loving, sharing. I forgot to worry, about that miracle. I was having too much fun, you see. And, in helping, those others, they began, to help me, and began to change my circumstances, which began to change my life.

By the end of the day, the miracle had not arrived. I found myself smiling, anyway. I had enjoyed those moments, those hours, THAT DAY. I enjoyed loving and being loved, rejoiced in helping and being helped, in being me and allowing others to see deep inside of me. What a wonderful day.

Preparing to retire, I decided to go back and thank God and Life. Even if they had not given me, my miracle, I wanted to thank them, anyway. I had had an awesome day, and my mama always told us to give folks their flowers, while they are living. Meaning, if someone has done something, tell them about it and tell them why you appreciated it or them.

I pull God and Life aside and thank them, for giving me the day. I let them know that even though I never received my miracle, I enjoyed the day they gave. I lived much. I loved much. I enjoyed every second of every moment, of the day.

I was not concerned, about tomorrow. I could have cared less, about the day before. I just enjoyed the day. 

Being, in the present.

Loving, in the present.

Living, in the present.

Giving, in the present.

Doing those things, only those things, changed my perceptions. I forgot to worry about what would come next, what I would do next, what I would BE next. I forgot to wonder what God and Life would think of me and my efforts. I stayed, in the present, and let God and Life have their way.

Doing those things, changed my circumstances. By looking, outside myself, and into the hearts and lives of others, I was able to give and receive love. And, that….yall that changed my life. Forever.

I had found, forever, in a day, not worrying about a miracle to come. I had found, forever, in caring for others, in allowing others to care for me. I forgot to wonder if that loved would be returned to me, forgot to wonder what God and Life would think of my efforts. I stayed, in the present, and let God and Life have their way.

As the sun, gave it’s final wave, to the day, I looked around, in awe, of the new life I had been given. All because I had made the choice, to take the day that God and Life, had given me, and used it, for good, to love and be loved, to give and receive, to hope and bestow hope towards others.

God and Life HAD given me, my miracle. They had given me a present, THE present, which was wrapped in something awesome, called a day.

The PRESENT is the present!! Each day, a gift. To be used, at your whim.

Every second, of every hour, of every day, is yours to use, as you will. Yet, we know not how many hours we have remaining, in our day, in our days.

What will you do with your day? Rather, what will you do with your MIRACLE?

None of us knows what our present, The Present, will contain. Like a gift, wrapped up just waiting to astonish us, God and Life has given us the day: to enjoy, to use for good, to love in, to be loved in.

I’m sure that it grieves God and Life, terribly, when we look upon our day with regret, with regret, with disdain, thinking of all the bad, awful, frustrating and endless things we think can or may happen, in the day.

We forget about the beauty, about the wonder, in what a day can bring and hold.

We forget about the day we found true joy or peace. We forget about the moments that changed our lives and the lives of others, for the better. We forget about all the moments we roared with laughter, cried in the arms of a loved one, fell in love, fell out of love.

We focus on the tough days. We dread the upcoming days. Forgetting that often, those dreaded days, those tough days, were really not all that tough. The upcoming day actually turned out pretty grand. Yea, we tend to forget that.

The only regret I have now….

You know what, I am NOT going to waste another moment, of another day, regretting this or that. Dreading this or that. I am going to spend my moments, hoping they add up to a full day, and love as hard and as long as I can. I plan on making many more ‘miracles’, with my day.

What will you do with your present? Will you live in the present? Will you BE present?

Being present, in the present, is all that God and Life asks of us.

The next time you ask God and Life, for a miracle, look around. It is already here. It’s part of your today. Get on out there and make some miracles. BE a miracle, in someone’s life.

Somebody needs YOUR love, today. Someone needs YOUR care, today. Some folk needs YOUR words, today. Keep going. I go with you. I love you, world. You don’t have to love me back. Would be nice, if you do. You get my love, anyway.

love Jesus’ best friend,

Me

Cassandra

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months, years where it seemed as if all your efforts have gone in vain?

Have you ever wondered what in the world did you start this or do that, in the first place?

Have you ever wanted to run away from home, tired of forever having to take the ‘high road’, to keep on keeping on, to keep doing the thing, praying the prayer, working the thing and NOTHING IS CHANGING!!!!!! Ack. Egads. Whew.

I have had one of those days. Okay, one of those weeks. In fact, week one of 2021 has began with the SAME fighting for things, about things, with things, in order to stay positive and on track.

I kept pushing the SAME boulders up the SAME impossible hills, watched those boulders slide right back down to the bottom!

What. What! What???!

I would stomp back down, to the bottom of the hill. I would, look up, from the bottom of the hill, thinking, good egads this sure is a big old hill.

God AND Life, would get on my last nerves, yall, to get them boulders and get to pushing them back up the hill. They cheer me on, tell me that I have ‘got this’ and to keep going.

I look at the same dumb boulders, peer suspiciously, and tiredly, mind you, up the big blasted hill and begin again……get most of the way up and…..dumb rock!!

Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Pushing one dream up the hill, only to see it tumble down. Drag one fervent prayer, up the stupid hill, only to watch it slide silently by.

What. What!!?

Late one night, I was tired. Just tired. Not of fighting. Okay, slightly, of fighting. I was just tired of….hmm….found I was just tired.

Told God AND Life that I was tired. I wasn’t giving up. I was just TIRED: of fighting the same fights, of taking the high road, of trying to look at life through God and Life’s perspective and not by my tiny view.

God and Life told me this is all part of the journey. All of it. This is just how the sausage gets made. We try. We try. We try. We….good yikes, try some more. Until, we grow tired.

The trick is in what we do when we get tired. What do we DO with the tired…hmm….aha!

Yea, God and Life. Yall aint slick. I see your silent messages you have been trying to send, to get me to understand what to DO with the tired, when I am tired.

I told God and Life that I was tired. They asked me ‘well, whatcha want to do about being tired? Whatcha going to DO with the tired?’

I thought about it and wanted nothing more than to take an evening to rest. To take an evening, for ME, to rest. Just to rest. No trying. No praying. No saying. ALL I wanted was to have a glass of chocolate milk and eat some Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles that were FINALLY back in stock.

God and Life asked me why, then, had I not just taken an evening to rest and enjoy some chips and chocolate milk? What would happen when I rested? Would the world end? Would the thing never get done? Did ALL of life rest on me not resting?

Hmmm….okay, so I guess they won’t. I argued, just a tad, that I had been making lemonade out of all these lemons life had been handing me.

God let me know He actually did have everything covered. He just needed my willingness to try. He would do the rest. He suggested that I take a day of rest, that I ask life for grapes, instead. The thing will get done, the dream will be had or something else had in it’s place.

So, I took His advice. Shut down the brain. Fired up the Hulu. Snatched some chips and chocolate milk and let the world have it’s way. For a while. Life could make the lemonade. As for me and my house, we havin’ grapes today yall.

Be at peace. When you are tired, rest. At ALL times, be encouraged.

chilling with you whilst having these grapes,

Cassandra

Have you done your best?

Have you given your all?

Have you done the thing with the best of intentions?

Then, ENOUGH ALREADY!

You HAVE done your best, given your all, and done the thing with the best of intentions, at heart.

This is ALL that God and Life requires. Give yourself a break. Let God and Life do THEIR thing, as you have done your part. Stop digging up your seeds, trying to see if the thing is growing yet. How can they if we are forever getting in God and Life’ way?

It may not be for you to see the outcome, of whatever you have been asked to do. You may not be the one to see the thing accomplished, the person helped, the battle won.

You may have been the catalyst, the helper, the ender of the thing. It may not be your place to know.

God and Life asks for us just to do the thing, to love one another, to care about this or that. It’s not up to us to ensure the message is received, the love is returned, the job gets done.

ALL that is required is that we are available: to love, to care, to do, to share, to commiserate, to hug, to cry, to laugh, to……you get my point.

It’s enough, beloved. STOP beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be. STOP fighting with yourself over what you don’t yet have. STOP giving yourself a hard time for not knowing the right words to say at the right time. Or, for saying the wrong ones. You HAVE done your best. You are trying.

Please note, I have said these words to myself, first, and have passed on the savings to you.

It is ENOUGH, yall. We are doing our best. The trick is to keep on going, to keep on doing, to keep on loving, to keep on striving. Even when we don’t feel our best. ESPECIALLY when we are not feeling our best or hearing well or…..good yikes, there are so many what ifs and how comes. Don’t worry about those.

The only thing you have to do is to cut yourself a bit of slack.

It is ENOUGH.

His,

Cassandra

2021 has started. We all clamored for 2020 to be over, for 2021 to get here.

It’s here, now. I sit and look at it with…..*shrug*……

I have NO idea what to do with 2021. I am not a drinker. Yet, I admit to spending the last few days, snuggled up to a bottle of Bacardi. A small, tasteful bottle.

I asked myself what I was doing, after my third glass. This is NOT helpful in being a grown up, in figuring out what comes next for me, for us all in 2021.

I couldn’t figure things out so went to the next thing. Binged watched ‘This is Us’ while wondering why ‘This is Us’ couldn’t be me, why I couldn’t be Beth….man, what an awesome show!!!

I prayed, for answers, and heard not a peep, from The Big Man Upstairs. I talked to my twin, who did her best to be supportive and let me know life was just….life. I wasn’t trying to hear THAT. I wanted to hear something……what in the fresh hell….

I don’t know what I wanted to hear. Just know/knew that I wanted to hear….something. Anything other than just keep on keeping on.

My accountability partner is forever annoying me and encouraging me to ‘push through’. To keep on going, no matter what. To keep on doing me, being me, and to wait PATIENTLY, for God to show up and to show out.

The silence is driving me cra cra. God has always told me to just keep following His last directions. His last direction was just to keep on being me, to keep on loving folks and to WAIT, patiently.

Crap. CRAP!! What in the fresh hell…..

The morale of the story? The morale of the story is we just HAVE to keep walking in faith. Faith WITHOUT allowing our feelings to be involved. My feelings have been all over the world, the past few days. Last year had some mostly awful days. Yet, last year I met some really great new friends, re connected with some fam, gave more of me than I have EVER given.

I have finally moved past the lost of my mom. Okay, big lie right there. I will never move past it. But, have been moving on, slowly. I don’t allow grief to muck up too much of my day. Yea, it snatches a few hours or two. Yes, I still find myself boohooing, in the middle of the night or the middle of the day. But, I cry from mostly joy, now, remembering happy moments, satisfying moments. Moments where mom and I argued over who was better: Lebron or Steph Curry. She always chooses Lebron. I defend Steph, loyally. Secretly, I love them both, equally.

I don’t know what will happen with the new friendships, I have made. Or, the re connected ones, I have rediscovered.

I don’t even know what will be with the close bonds made with my sis and my bro. Just know that I so look forward to chopping it up with my brother about things, big and small. Just know that I look forward to yakking it up, with my twin, in the middle of the night over….*shrug*…..half the time I don’t remember. Just know that I hang up the phone, with great satisfaction, looking forward to her next call or text.

She went off on me for telling her I was considering stopping my blog, from stopping reaching out so damned much. Yea, she went off, just a tad when I told her they are just words. Just MY words.

As if it’s okay to dismiss those words. Kinda ticked me off with myself.

We all need to STOP dismissing our words, ourselves, so easily. I think we make God sad when we do that. We are ALL special. Our words DO matter. They have weight. We can’t stop speaking. We just can NOT decide to stop caring.

I told sis, last night, I wished that I didn’t care so much. That’s not true. I am glad that I care. The world needs more folks to care. I just wish there were more hours in the day. Wish there was more me to spread around and to give.

God asks us to give. He asks us to give OURSELVES. It’s sooooooooooooo hard, though. To give, ourselves. What if folks won’t receive what we have to give? What if they won’t receive US?

Ah, that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Taking the chance to love, and then having that love either dismissed or ignored or…….good yikes any number of hurtful things, like that.

Yet, God keeps asking us to love others. To keep on trying. No matter what.

Why? Because there have been so many, who have been so hurt, by life, that they reject love, not because they don’t love and care for us. Not because they don’t want to receive, with open arms.

It’s just because keeping their dukes up, keeping their hearts locked away, is all they know now. They don’t reject us. They are just afraid. God just needs for us to just keep on loving folks. To keep on being THERE.

God just needs some folks to keep on being there, for folks who will take just a bit longer to come around. They will.

2021 is about healing. As a nation. As individuals. God needs those who are willing to just BE THERE. Just to be there. It will hurt. It won’t be easy. Yet, it will be worth it.

God loved me enough to be there for me, at my lowest. He loved me, just as I was. He helped me grow. He touched my life. He let me know that I would ALWAYS be loved. No matter what. No matter how long it took. He would be there.

Today, I know no more now, than I knew the day before yesterday. Today, though, I know that it’s okay, not to know.

I am here, world, loving you. I ain’t going nowhere. Even though your silence hurts. You WILL be okay. We all will. I have your back. Until, you can have mine.

Keep going. For those, who are hurting, it’s okay. God really does understand why you have had your guards up, your fists up, for so long. He will be there for you and I will keep on praying you through, until you are ready to let others in, to care for you.

For those who are doing their best to care, it’s okay. Keep on loving folks. They will come around. They will. It’s nothing personal, towards you. Those wounds/hurts have been there long before you arrived. Keep on doing you, being you, and caring.

For those who just don’t know. I hear you. I hear me. We just have to keep on pushing through. Have to keep trying. Have to keep doing what we do no matter what we see or don’t see. No matter if we don’t hear what we think we should from those we care about or fight for. Keep on caring. God and Life will have their way.

For YOU, who reads these words, make sure to fill YOUR bucket. It does no good to rush to the aid of the world, and have your own bucket be empty. Let someone know, when you have run out of gas. Let God know, when you have run out of gas. Let YOU know, when you have run out of gas. It’s okay to be empty. Not okay to be prideful and remain there.

2021 will be as glorious as we make it. Let’s make it a good one. Let’s love one another, starting with ourselves. It’s not on our friends or family or work or this or that to keep us filled and refreshed. We can only be that way as we tell our pride to kick rocks, and partner with God and Life to keep it moving, no matter what. Faith does not give one whit about what we know. Faith just demands that we believe.

Have faith in you. Have faith in your efforts. Have faith that God and Life WILL have the ultimate say. Have faith that your words are pulling down strongholds, filling empty love buckets, restoring what was broken, giving new life to hopeless dreams.

I REFUSE to allow doubt, fear, frustration or any other thing to build a wall between me and thee. Don’t you allow those things to build one around you. We got this, folks. We really do. So long as we do this, together.

We all we got, but we all we need. We are MORE than enough. We are. YOU are.

His servant and your stubborn friend,

Cassandra

Am I enough? I have been asking myself this question for weeks. For months.

I have been asking this of God and of me. Why?

Because there are sooooooo many folks out there, hiding. They are wounded and lonely and frustrated and grieving and life is kicking their tails, as it has kicked mine.

I have learned how to give those wounds, those hurts, those fears, those hard things to God. Okay, so it took a bit of wooing, on His part, to get me to surrender, to get me to TRUST that He really does love me and care for my life.

There is something about being set free. It makes you long to see others free. You can’t rest, knowing there are so many folk out there, hiding wounds that need healing and bonding. That there are hearts needing to be loved but are afraid they won’t be loved back.

So, I pray and ask God to help folk, to touch hearts, to let folk know He isn’t to be feared. He loves us. I ask Him what I can do and all He ever tells me is to love folk. To just be ME and to love them.

That’s when the argument starts. I tell God I am no one special. All that I have to offer life and Him and folks is me. My love and care. My prayers for healing and peace. My dumb jokes and texts, in the middle of the day or night just wanting folk to know that I care.

How can that possibly help Him or life or folk?

God doesn’t play fair. He won’t even argue back. Simply says for me to be me and just love folk.

I tell Him that I am inadequate. I don’t use enough commas and use too many ‘thats’. He says write anyway.

I tell Him my jokes are really dumb and most folks don’t get them. He agrees and says to be foolish anyway. Life and folk could stand a bit of dumbness.

There are so many things I have asked Life for and Life has stayed silent. I fuss with God and tell Him I am tired of asking. It has to be ME that’s the problem. I despair it has to be me as so many around me has been blessed. And, all I have is my love and my care.

All God says is to keep asking of Life, to keep loving folk, to keep trusting Him.

I ask God if I am enough and He said:

Jeremiah 31:3 – The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

John 13:34 – A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

How can I argue with that!?

God keeps telling us all to love one another, to help bear someone else’s burden. He just asks us to love folk, as we are, as THEY are.

Don’t wait until they turn into someone you think they should be. Love them. As they are. WHERE they are. Right now. In their moment.

I have messed up so spectacularly. And, God extended His grace and loved me. He loves me, still. When I mess up, He loves me, still. When I try hard, He loves me, still. When I barely have enough me to scrape out of bed, He loves me, still.

When I am angry with Him and tell Him to go kick rocks, He loves me, still. When I repent for telling Him to go rocks, He laughs and loves me, still.

When I question Him and why He seems to go silent when I need Him to shout of His love for me, He loves me, still.

When I have fought the day and it appears the day has kicked my tail, He loves me, still.

God just won’t stop loving and believing in me. I am doing my level best to love me, with the same tenacity and care. Am doing my best to love Life and folk with the same tenacity and care.

All that I have to give this world is me. Is that enough?

We shall all find out, eh?

Am going to love this world, and the folks in it, for the rest of my days. What shall I get back in return? Don’t ask me. God knows and He ain’t telling.

I love you, world.❤

Me

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=aWjQNZir79Y&feature=share

I love You, Lord. Happy birthday, Jesus!❤

Your grateful servant,

Me

P.S. I love You, My Homie, My Forever Friend, My Savior and Lord. ‘Nuff said.😍❤

Happy birthday, Jesus!

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13

I have been thinking about that lately. How much Jesus must have loved you and I to lay His life down for me, for you. Overwhelming thought. To be loved so thoroughly and so very much.

I pondered who or what I would be willing to lay down my life for. While pondering this, God flipped the script and asked me what I was willing to LIVE for?

What was I willing to give words to? What was I willing to put ACTION to? What was I willing to give my heart, my mind and my might to?

Awesome questions. Sobering questions. It’s easy to wax poetic about being willing to lay down one’s life: for this cause or that one. For this person or that one.

It is a whole other thing to speak aloud what one is choosing to LIVE for. Those declarations require proof. The other is just hypothetical. God rarely requires the last few measure.

Only those in high risk professions or callings have to literally answer that bell. Thank God for them and bless them as they serve, knowing their lives may require that last full measure.

The rest of us only have to answer what we are willing to LIVE for. Good yikes, that’s a doozy question!😱

What am I willing to LIVE for, you ask?

I am not only willing, but I CHOOSE, to spend the rest of my days: loving folks, encouraging folk to make room for Life and God, and giving Him, me, to serve, at His pleasure, until breath comes for me no more.

What are you willing to LIVE for? We all must answer. Opting not to answer is also an answer, I’m afraid. If you won’t choose, for yourself, life and others will choose for you. And, you will be living by THEIR direction and hand. Best YOU choose and live your own path and not the opted out one.

What are you willing to LIVE for? Can’t wait to see your list. Life is short. Get a going!

His servant and your friend,

Cassandra

I was tired of spending Christmas grieving for mom and feeling sorry for me. I wanted to spend Christmas, ONE Christmas with Christmas being about the day Jesus was born instead of the morning mom died.

I decided to rent me a really nice room and spend all weekend making new memories. I reserved the room, packed days early and was actually looking forward to spending Christmas with mom, in a new way.

I check into the room on Christmas Eve. Gorgeous! Huge bed, nice sitting area and huge, flat screen tv to enjoy all the fantastic NFL and NBA games….hhmm……no NFL Network, no Redzone….*gasp*….figured it was no big deal as I could use my laptop to enjoy the games. Also, I would need my laptop so I could watch Hulu and binge watch ‘This is Us’. Awesome show, by the by.

I set up my laptop, make a big production out of turning it on and preparing to watch my show. Had myself all set up to enjoy, you see. Had this experience already mapped out, in my mind: chillaxing with snacks and ‘This is Us’. Was going to binge watch ALL Christmas Eve evening! Fantastic.

Only problem is the internet had no plans to comply with my wishes. Worse still, the front desk had NO clue how to get things going and really had no inclination of helping in any real way. Four hours later, her only option, and mine, was to give me a refund and I could find another hotel to have my Christmas staycation with.

I sat in that beautiful room, and at my bags, half unpacked, and wanted to cry. Truly, wanted to just burst into tears. I had not allowed myself to get frustrated. Kept taking the high road the whole time. Assured the front desk clerk it was okay, that I was okay and we would get things situated. I didn’t mind the hours wasted, er spent, trying to get set up. Five hours of no ‘This is Us’, for crying out loud!!…..opppppps……ehem….*Cassandra gets back on the high road*….

By 7:15 I was out of options and sitting, in the lobby, with the gorgeous Christmas tree, waiting/fighting to be refunded. Don’t even get me started on THAT story. It was too late to get another hotel. Everything was closed. Couldn’t stop for groceries or eats. Defeated, I drove home. Sat in the car for what seemed like ages. Wondered, what in the world was the point of it all?

I was too tired and disappointed to get angry at God and demand to know why, in the world, He had laid it on my heart to try this, anyway! I could have spared myself days of excitement, and hours of frustration, just by staying home and not getting my hopes up.

DAMMIT, I HAD GOTTEN MY HOPES UP!!

I sat in the car and fumed about all the effort it had taken to try and move beyond my mom grief. Blast it all, I had drug myself out of bed. Crimeny, I had begun to dream of a future with new friends and experiences. Egads, I had even day dreamed of spending Christmas yakking with mom over coffee and football, like we used to. Only, she would be screaming, with Jesus, in Heaven and I would just be hollering in a hotel room, hoping not to get arrested from all the aforementioned screaming at the huge and awesome flat screened tv.

I noisily drag my suitcase up the stairs, sorry neighbors, and flounce in half darkness. I kept my mood lights on so as not to enter in total darkness. I leave the mood lights on the dark/forlorn deep dark blue setting and pout. Yea, I pouted. Had abandoned the high road back in the hotel lobby.

I pouted ALL night. Woke the next morning in full pout mode. My phone had been blowing up, for hours, with folks wanting to reach out and extend love and Christmas greetings. Pride whispered ‘leave the phone be. You didn’t get the experience you wanted. Hang out with me and feel sorry for yourself. Your mom is dead, don’t you know. You are used to your Christmas grief. Hang out with me, Pride, and grief, and leave the world be’.

I asked myself if I was going to allow Pride and the known entity of Christmas grief, to keep me from moving forward and actually making new memories and loving family and friends. It took all of two seconds for me to tell Pride and Christmas grief to both go kick some rocks. Kicked off the covers, snatched up my phone, made a delish cup of coffee and spent two delicious hours making room, in my heart, for loved ones and LET THEM love me.

Life and God were not being mean to me in asking for me to get that hotel room. The purpose was NOT the room. The whole purpose, the moral of the story, the lesson was that life and God was just asking me to try: to make the baby steps, of making ROOM, in my heart, for healing and moving forward.

And, in moving out Pride and Christmas grief. I was making room for other things like love and healing and laughter.

I had my eyes on what I THOUGHT would happen, what I WANTED to happen. I had already pre-determined the outcome for the weekend. I did not allow for unexpected blessings and giftings. In my mind, I was going to that hotel for some healing, dammit. I was going to do this. Life and God was going to do that and I would go home, refreshed.

I spent two hours realizing how much of a moron I had been to folks who truly did care for me. I enjoyed coffee and honest conversation and friendship all from home. I made peace with the fact mom was no longer with me, in body, but was with me in spirit.

Yea, she passed Christmas morning. No getting around that. Yea, I missed her. Will ALWAYS miss her. Yet, I was sitting, alone, drinking coffee and enjoying my spot. It was quiet and I was enjoying today was Jesus’ birthday. Happy birthday, Lord! Felt good to be enjoying His day, WITH mom, not mourning for her. She up in Heaven, kicking it with Jesus, on His Birthday, no less. Awesome.

Having made room, for life and God, to enter my heart and move around some things, such an awesome experience. Such a gift given. One that was received, gladly.

We get in our own way, at times, don’t we? There are things that life and God want to help us heal from. Things that forever get in our way. Yet, we allow pride or grief or anger or fear or all manner of things to keep us from being honest. Being honest, with ourselves. Being honest, with Life. Being honest, with God.

We allow those things to keep us hidden and broken. Life and God wants us free. Wants us free to have an abundant and full life.

God does NOT desire for us to continue beating ourselves up for things we have done or not done. It does NOT please Him that we punish ourselves for not being able to move beyond that, to try this, to go here or not go there.

Life just wants us to try, to make room. God just wants us to try, to make room. Wants us to make room by emptying out those things that are holding us back: fear, anger, doubt, pride, hurt, pain. I could go on and on and on and on.

I write these words, I go first, in hopes that others may find the courage to go, next. Time to make room, beloved. For, life. For, God. For, loved ones. For, YOU. Especially, you. And, time to make room WITHOUT expectation of what Life and God will fill you with. That’s for them, to know. It’s just for you, to do.

Time to do the hard thing: be honest with life, be honest with God. Mostly, be honest, with YOU. As you open gifts, allow Life and God to give you the ultimate gift of giving back you, as you give yourself to them.

Life is short. Time to make room.

making room with you and praying for you til you come,

Cassandra

December has been an impossible month to get through since mom passed away early Christmas morning 2016.

EVERY second of EVERY moment of EVERY day hurts. EVERY one. Every morning, I fight the dawn. I’m too tired to deal with you, I say. You see, dawn knows, full well that I fought a raging battle to endure, yet one more night.

The nights are soooooooooo long. They are unending. The moon laughs at me, taunting me, teasing me that dawn would be on its way soon.

It’s morning, again. Another December day to have to get through. There are 25. Fighting to get past NEVER. Fighting with myself to don my aqua ish shirt, just one more time. One more time, Cassandra. If you can conquer dawn perhaps you may defeat the morning.

And, if the morning gets beaten back, you may make it til noon. No idea how we shall make it past noon. Just get to noon.

Who is ‘we’ you ask? It is she, my secret tears, that I carry with me, stealthily through these December days. I con the light into thinking all is alright, knowing, full well, these secret tears haunts my every waking step. Anxious to shed their load, alone, during the stillness of the night.

I made my peace, years ago, that I would bear these secret tears alone. I tell myself progress has been made. For two years, I struggled EVERY day. At least, now, the agonizing days are down to but 25.

On December 26th, I am set free from the awful words ‘Ttnette, they said there is nothing else they can do’. On December 26th, I can breathe again. I can put away, these secret tears, until they return for me next year…*sigh*

This year, though, God refused to let me cry my secret tears alone. They had gotten too heavy for me. I didn’t tell Him that. I told Him I would be okay this year. For Him. For mom.

I didn’t want to let Him down. Didn’t want to let mom down. I just had to say ‘see, mom, Christmas doesn’t hurt anymore’. It still did. Still does.

So, I race the afternoon’s light. I secretly stash my tissues and make my rounds, making sure other folk are okay. All while dreading night 3 of 25 knowing 22 wait patiently for me.

A funny thing happened on my way to another endless night. God sat with me. He asked me to let Him hold my tears for me. The secret tears that I have kept away. Even from Him. Yea, I especially hid them from Him. I had been trying to be a big girl. I was trying my best to conquer these December days. In order to get to the other side of NEVER. Told God I was trying, desperately, to go first. So others might find the courage to go next.

Hearing my silent screams, He asked if He could bear my burden for me. Guiltily, I gave. Tenderly, He bore. Gently, He pried every secret tear from within my tight grasp. Softly, He took my clenched fists, placed a kiss upon each one and carried those secret tears next to His heart. He cried every one with me. FOR me. Said they were precious. Cried that I might know that I was precious. To Him. He was My Dad. He loved me.

To my surprise, morning came quickly. Solemnly, God arose. Said He had to get on with His day. Said He just had to put down everything to come and help me beat back the darkness. To arise with me, come morn. He asked if He could return. Said we had 22 more days to get through. Together.

As He exits, He reminds me to be sure to don my aqua ish shirt. He asked me to keep my December secret, no longer. Said to tell folks He was ready to carry their secret tears, as well. Said to tell yall He sees. Sees your secret tears. Sees your secret struggles.

Your hard days may not be December. May not be the loss of a parent. No matter. He sees. And, He longs to sit with you. Longs to comfort you. Longs to be Your Dad.

The bible says that God stands at the door and knocks. He waits. Will you let Him share your secret tears?

Yes, December may always hurt. But, you don’t have to hurt alone. I shall sit with you through your dark night, of the soul. You WILL make it. As will I. Keep going…

praying for you,

Me