The shame/guilt/anger/hurt/pain/insert word has subsided.
Don’t wait til you are:
Dressed, to the nines.
Feeling, fine.
Are now, polished and shined.
Let them see your heart, beloved.
ALL of it:
The, hurting part.
The, shameful part.
The, unwelcome part.
The, outrageous part.
The, loud part.
The, silent part.
The, grieving part.
The, raging part.
The, unacceptable part.
The, accepted part.
The, coward part.
The, awkward part.
The, socially unacceptable part.
The, uncomfortable part.
Let them see your heart, beloved.
Your heart IS worthy of the love of others. Let them in. Let them see you. Let them hear you. ALL of you.
For, you see, beloved, if all that YOU see, if all you will allow the world to see, is the ‘acceptable’ part(s), when will you EVER feel or be accepted, by anyone, including YOU, on days, in moments, at times when you don’t feel, when you may not be acting ‘acceptable’?
Your heart IS worthy, beloved. Simply because…you are.
So much so that each second of each minute of each hour of each moment has gotten louder and louder so much so I could not sleep last night.
The sound of my heart grows louder, today.
Today is mom’s birthday.
So much so that all commas have fled all rational thought have left all hope for a quiet restful mom bday day have gone.
Today is mom’s birthday.
The sound of my heart has grown thunderous, today.
It shouts never ever for all time eternity shall you see mom’s smile or lay on her tummy which has your world commaless and upside down since her passing.
Today, is mom’s birthday.
The sound of my heart beats with four words, today.
Today, is mom’s birthday.
I don’t know what to do with the sound of my heart. She won’t be still. She won’t be silent. She shouts into the heavens and asks why she can not be with her mom there today.
Today…
Is…
Mom’s…
Birthday…
Rest in peace, mom. He has you now. He holds you now.
Mom, who shall hold me, now? Who, has me, now? Asking for a friend.
Have been a big girl, all week, for weeks. Being about it, encouraging folk, working hard, praying for all beloveds even though I have not blogged, outloud.
Weirdly, I have been blogging, in my heart. Sharing, yet not. Not wanting to intrude my sad mom feelings upon folks. Folks have their own lives, their own things to deal with.
I want to celebrate her life. I want to remember all the good times. I want to remember her smile. I want to remember that she really did believe in me. I want to remember all she meant to my life.
I have to work tomorrow. Fitting. Will have to work to pretend that all is well so folks can keep doing some them and I won’t have to feel embarrassed about no one having the energy or want to to have to do them some sad me. Embarrassing.
Last night, ALL night, fought with the night, fought early dawn, fought with the world over old dreams, long held desires, long held beliefs.
The fight was not even close.
I took a look at those old beliefs, of those old desires, that came from believing life-long beliefs that were bestowed onto my heart from mom fears, dad fears, world fears. All finds of fears, it seems, save my own.
As I fought, as I cried, as I wrestled with old lies, long held, I began to wonder if this, if these, were fights still needed, still NECESSARY.
You see, I found I have been fighting for these things for sooooooooooooooo long, muscle memory had taken over, long ago.
And, if truth be told, if I peered, deep into the darkness, I could see God, I could see Life, I could see Yikes, I could see Egads, I could see true friends, I could see true family, fighting FOR and WITH me. Fighting, to get me to see these things, these old beliefs, long held, no longer belonged with me.
It was time, you see, to let them go.
So, I, Cassandra, Jaybird, Sweetpea, could go and be free.
Finally, as morning snatched the last of my tears, from deep within, I…let go.
Just, let go.
I had no idea, at first, what I had let go of.
I only knew that something, something, SOMETHING, deep inside, had died.
I knew not whether to be glad, sad, or indifferent. Just knew something, those dreams, were gone.
I was not:
Mad.
Sad.
Afraid.
I was just….
JUST!
Ah, just.
I found my heart, wanting. I found my heart, getting angry. Thinking, mistakenly, that I would not see justice for the dreams that God, that Life, had allowed to die, within me.
For a moment, briefly, I was angry.
How DARE They take these dreams, from me.
Looking closer, however, I found these dreams, these wantings were no longer wanted. By me.
You see, ALL that I want, NOW, and for the rest of my days, is to love others, to let others KNOW, of a surety that they ARE loved.
That’s it.
I no longer, beloveds, dream of a posse to rescue me from loneliness, from life, from hard days.
Yea, I have learned that loneliness, that life, that hard days, well, they shall come. Yes, they DO come, for us all.
My hearts desires, now, is to part of the possee that rides, for others. To, others. Letting them know, of a surety that they are NOT alone.
In trying, not to be loud, I found my heart shouting louder than any words I could say. What does she say, beloveds?
My heart says:
God LOVES you.
God SEES you.
God CARES DEEPLY for you.
My heart says:
I LOVE you.
I SEE you.
I CARE VERY DEEPLY for you, beloveds.
I ask not, for your love, your care, in return.
I just….
I just….
I AM just.
Therefore, I give you my heart. Use it, as you choose. Love it, by your choice. Not, by strings. Not, by expectations. Not, to return a favor.
I have been under the weather, this past little while.
On top of this, the weather, God bless this weather yall, has been averaging 104 for 10 days straight. Least of which, I live upstairs so ALL the heat from the downstairs apartments have moved in with me. I am currently surrounded by three fire-breathing dragons, er, supposed fans.
ALL these dumb fans have done, and are doing, are shrugging, blowing hot air every which way and telling me it could be worse, that I could be in the middle of The Sahara with no food, water, Youtube, phone, and Disney Plus. There is that…*sigh*.
I wish all could read my mind. Okay, only certain parts of my mind as I may be talking about yall so don’t want yall knowing I be talkin bout yall on the regular….hahahahahahahahaha!!
Alas, I have concocted daily odes, odettes, songs, sonnets and the like, in my head, trying to scrape the energy and coolness in order to deliver my wonderful odes and thoughts, to you, beloveds, who have desperately missed me and have sought, valiantly, hopelessly, pitifully, as you have gazed, forlorn, at your empty inboxes wondering where the world Cassandra, Jaybird, Sweetpea, and the like have been hiding.
It’s either that, my world view, or perhaps, your truth that you have not missed moi, have enjoyed the quiet, and are reading these words through your fingers wondering if some sad words may be about to come amongst thine eyes.
Nope.
Nopers.
Just me, Cassandra, Jaybird, Sweetpea, checking in to say I have been praying for all, on the daily, and wanting to let all know that EVERYTHING will be okay.
No matter what you are going through, you SHALL make it through.
No matter how far things seem to be, you SHALL get to where you need to be getting to.
No matter how badly you may be feeling about your current circumstances, you SHALL, and are overcoming them all.
Keep, fighting.
Keep, going.
Keep, growing.
Keep, loving.
Keep, living in the moment.
Don’t let your fears keep you from experience life.
If you must be afraid, go on ahead and take the fear with you. Fear, you see, gets bored easily. Fear, you know, can NOT stand when we don’t pay it much mind. Fear, you see, is just a bunch of hot air intent on trying to scare you from doing, living and being.
Tell Fear, to, well, go on ahead and kick rocks already!!!
Having all kinds of tech issues at work so making peanut butter sandwiches, out of my day, by calling and yakking to fam members.
Had a super long, delectable yak, with one sis…
Ah.
Had a brief snack yak, with one big bro.
Ah.
Had a kick rocks not answering phone, dial tone, from another sis. 🤷♀️
Was feeling so wonderful, I started to call mom.😥
Fresh hell.
*Sigh*
I miss you, mom.
Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeiit!
Carry the hell on, Cassandra.
carrying on,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is short. Days like these used to be spent hollering at malfunctioning equipment and wailing dumb things to God and Life like They really must not like me because my stuff all tore up and I can’t work right…smh. Don’t judge me. I was a this happened so it must mean that person. Now I am a whatever homie God got this person. Carry on, beloveds.
When life hands you lemons, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Yep, got my hind end handed to me ALL day and therefore going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, watch some tv and try again, tomorrow.
In times past, I would have:
Blamed, me.
Blamed, me.
Then, blamed me, some more.
Today, I am going to chalk it up to the game of life and leave life to do what it do.
We are NOT:
Our, successes.
Our, failures.
Our, efforts.
Our, lack of efforts.
Our, paychecks.
Our, setbacks.
We are…
Ah!
We ARE!
So, beloveds, how about we give ourselves permission to just BE. If we be productive, non productive, semi morons, full blown stupid, kinda wonderful, simply fantastic, or absolutely ridiculous…
In ALL these things, how about we remember we all doing the best we can. And, try, at least, to understand folks are doing the same. Or, trying to.
In the meantime, when life hands you lemons, make your face sammich!😎🥰
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 