I finally changed my living room around to make it homey. Have been wanting to do so since I first moved here in 2016. I wanted to make it my own, get it all situated and invite mom up to see my ‘spot’. Her passing three months later brought all of that to a screeching halt. If I were to be honest, mom’s passing had brought ME to a screeching halt.

In one moment,…..ah……ONE moment. One moment can change your forever, can’t it? I know you have your ‘one moment’. Something that happened that not only snatched your breath away but also snatched your courage/confidence/faith….*sigh*…..life not fair to sneak up like that, is it>

I literally stopped unpacking. Left my bedroom as a storage space with boxes still anxiously awaiting my new life and adventure. Left those boxes packed away. Kept the bedroom door closed. Those unpacked boxes were a reminder of ‘that day’. Every day since mom passed I have been living after ‘that’ day trying to make my way in a world that no longer made sense.

How could I laugh again? Who could I call to say really stupid things to and make them laugh? Who could I call and say ‘mom I don’t know what to do’ and here her say ‘It will be okay’. When something awesome happen who could I call. Yes, I had fam and friends. But, some things, some things you just want to pick up the phone and say ‘mom, I did it!’ or ‘mom, I didn’t get it…*sigh”

What do we do when the rug gets snatched from us? When a love we thought we had forever has walked away? What do we do when the job we loved is taken or thing thing we were banking on doesn’t come through or came through but was snatched without notice? We are left to keep packed boxes behind a lock door, right? We carry on, best we can. When folks ask how we are, we tell them ‘I’m okay’. What else can we tell them, tho? Can we share with them that we are devastated, that we are heart broken, that we don’t feel like ME anymore?

Do we admit that we don’t know what to do? Do we tell someone that we feel small now? Do we admit that we lost an anchor, a compass, a comfort and now the world just seems awfully cold out here?

For a long time, after mom passed, all I did was cry and carry on. Worked and carried on. With boxes packed. With a closed bedroom door. Over the course of time, I reached out to one or two. Had one or two help snatch me back into life. Thank GOD for folk who love us enough to support us at our darkest times. Yet, they can only support as we take the chance and open our hearts to let folk know we are hiding our boxes behind closed doors. We can only heal as we let God know we got those boxes locked away and ask for His help to help us find the courage to open that bedroom door and unpack our lives and begin again.

Begin again to what, tho? Mom is gone, I told myself. How can I enjoy my ‘spot’ without her? Ah! There is the question: how do we make a new life out of the new life we now have because our old one was cruelly snatched away? We liked that old life. DAMMIT, WE LIKED THAT OLD LIFE!!

I didn’t want to lose my mom. I never wanted to learn these terribly hard lessons of how to go on when your get up and gone has said to hell with this and has left you to fight things out on your own.

Yet, healing did come for me. Slowly. And, only as I made the choice EVERY day to keep trying, to move forward tears or no. We have to keep going, yall. Have to keep trying. Even when it hurts. Especially as it hurts. The ONLY way to get through something is to actually go through the damned thing. Good yikes. I never used to swear. Okay, every now and again I would tear loose a word here and there. Since mom passed I want to have a good cuss fest and yell and scream at the world you stole my mom from me!!….*stamps foot*. Couldn’t you just have a cuss fest about something that you lost, someone you lost, something that was cruelly taken, through no fault of your own? Dammit, world, we were doing the best we could! We are good people, dammit! Why you have to go and pick on us!!!!!????…*sigh*…..having a cussfest is exhausting. And, losing a whole world, trying to recover and start again is exhausting. Don’t have the extra energy for a cussfest. Good yikes…..

One day, I felt life and mom whispering to me to get my living room situated. Move stuff around. Unpack some things. Make your ‘spot’ homey. Felt mom cheering me on. So, I took a day and rearranged. Made things cute. Put this here, hid that there(another story for another day. Why do we kick things behind something instead of putting it away correctly….*sigh*…we can be dummies, can’t we?), put in some fancy mood lights and scented oils.

Finally I had my living room all homey. Yet, I felt guilty about truly enjoying it without mom. Finally gave myself permission to try. Had one cup of coffee in a lounging chair with mood lit room slowly blinking in approval. That felt so nice I tried another cup only this time I added reading to the mix and playing some music, softly in the background. How peaceful. How peaceful. I’m sure mom was smiling from heaven.

The following weekend I admit to feeling tremendous guilt. Felt as though I was walking away from mom. Wrestled ALL week with that. Could feel mom speaking to me that I HAD to let her go. Let go of the notion that I would have her here with me in her earthly body. She’s not here. Will NEVER be here. Never is such a big word. Had to wrestle NEVER down to the ground. It is so hard accepting things we have truly lost. Things that no amount of effort or crying will bring back…..*sigh*…..

Yet, life and God will help us to live in our new lives. In fact, there are things in our new lives we would never have had in the old one. I have kicked fear to the curb. Used to be afraid of expanding myself due to my age, due to not having a college degree. Due to this or that. Decided age was just a number, a college degree is a piece of paper I can always go back and get. And, as for the other excuses, just began to kick those dummies to the curb. The world took my mama from me. Couldn’t take anything else more precious.

I learned it’s okay to venture out. Don’t have to drive the same route all the time. Don’t have to be a creature of habit. I began to meander my way through life. Before, I wanted to get there. Needed to get THERE. Had to work hard so I could get there. Had no idea where ‘there’ was only that I wasn’t where I was ‘supposed to be’. Where the hell is that? Seems like we all, at times, get to chasing things we think we are ‘supposed’ to chase, have and do.

Since ‘that’ day, I have learned to live in the moment. The NOW moment. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me and no longer care. Yes, I still work hard. I still dream. I still want. I still long for. Yet, now, I can enjoy a cup of coffee and yak with mom. I have learned to love her a different way. She can no longer be with me in body but is with me in spirit and I am with her that way.

I have learned to enjoy my ‘spot’ alone, yet not alone. I type these words, in my spot, day dream from my spot. Realize I am living a dream, NOW, from my spot. All I ever really wanted was to be able to write, encourage folk and dream from my own place. 30 years ago I had the same dream. To have my own place, tapping away on my own laptop and dreaming of what the future would look like.

Today, I sit here, tapping these keys, looking forward to a nice cup of coffee in my fave clear coffee cup(feel awfully writery and scholarly sipping coffee in a clear coffee cup), and yakking with mom ‘hey, mom look at what I did?!’

Look at what I did, mom!? I opened up that bedroom door, mom. I have moved beyond ‘that day’ mom. I have opened my arms to life and have asked God to fill them up, mom. Whatcha think about that, mom?

Life can be cruel in asking us to learn how to love it and folk a different way. God sure does seem like a Big Meanie at times when He lets us know we can’t go that way no more, can’t have him/her no more, can’t go to that job/thing no more. We have to head in a different direction and learn to love a different way. A new way.

Covid has literally flipped all of our lives upside down. We have to learn to live and love a different way. We can’t go back to the way things have been. We can’t do that. Us POC, people of color, can no longer live in a world where our lives are disposable. We can no longer hide or pain/hurt. White folk can no longer go back to pretending they don’t see. Now that you do, white folks, you can’t keep turning away because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable. POC you can’t keep pretending you don’t hurt. We all we got but we all we need.

We need to open our doors and allow others inside. We HAVE to be willing to see another view point, to hold a hand that looks different from ours. We have to support and love one another. We have to learn to come together and learn to love each other in a different way. We can and we will.

Learning to love a different way is terribly hard. Yet, it is so very rewarding. I miss my mom, miss her every second of every day. But, I know she is right here, over my shoulder, giving it a squeeze and letting me know that I got this. I got this mom!

Cassandra

There is only one you. Of all the billions of folk, God only made one you. The world needs what you have to give. Your words. Your thoughts. Your dreams.

You scrounge around in your heart and don’t see much. You don’t see anything special.

You try and dress yourself up with things. With money. With a job. With fancy clothes. With…..gets exhausting all the things you use to add on to yourself thinking you are not enough.

Beloved, you are more than enough. Your life was worth the death of a king! His name is Jesus, by the by.

Anywho, the world NEEDS what YOU have. Do you, boo. You don’t have to try and do someone else. That never turns out well. Makes folks scratch their head and wonder why you being someone or something you ain’t?

Be encouraged. You are enough.

Get on out there. This world is waiting.

😎

It’s time. Time to get up and start living. Life has bopped you upside the head more times than you can count. Disappointment has laughed at you, mercilessly. Rejection has haunted you. Your goals have all taunted you and keep saying ‘nah, nah, you can’t catch me’. You are sick of it. Dammit, you are sick of this!!

Good. Great. Now that you are tired of going around in endless circles, it’s time for you to LIVE. You are not your past. You are not those things that you have gone through. You are NOT your worst mistakes. You are not even your best successes. You are all those things and much more.

EVERYTHING you have gone through has helped shape who you are now. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. It’s up to you. See, we tend to use our life experiences, the experiences of others, the expectations of others to shape the way we see ourselves.

Then, we take that often WRONG perception and live up to or down to those perceptions. We don’t go for that job as we don’t have a degree or enough time in. We don’t know the right people. We don’t look the right way. We don’t run in the right circles.

We don’t reach out for love because we are too fat, too old, too ugly, too pretty, too poor, have too much money so folk can’t see us.

We don’t let on that we are lonely, sad, grieving, afraid as we have to keep hiding behind our masks. We don’t want folk to know that we are not okay, that we have not been okay for quite some time.

We go through the day, silent screaming inside to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted. Just for us. Dammit, why can’t/won’t you see me!? See me!!!!!!

*sigh*…..

So, we end up entering into a silent pact with life: we promise life we will hide behind a mask and work hard and be giving and loving people, so long as life will leave us be and STOP TORMENTING ME WITH THINGS I WILL NEVER HAVE.

It hurts. It hurts. Not having hurts. Not being loved hurts. Not being seen hurts. We grow tired of hurting. Tired of being unloved. Tired of being alone.

Dammit, God, I am tired!!!!….huh?….what’s that?

It seems that God has heard our silent screams. He lets us know that He is there. That He DOES care. He knows we are hurting. Knows that we rage, deep inside, where only He can see. He calls to us, quietly, to rise. Rise from that anger. Rise from that fear. Rise and let that fire burn away the darkness.

Life is short. It’s time to rise. Your life is sooooooooooooo very worthy of love and all of life’s good things. You don’t have to hide. There ARE folks who will gladly and joyfully love you for y0urself.

It’s time. Time for YOU to rise. It’s okay that you have been afraid. It’s okay that you have not been okay. It’s okay that you don’t know how to reach out for love. It’s the beginning that counts. All you have to to is to turn on the light, rise from your bed. Get on up. You can do this. You can.

I can not tell you how many days I had to talk myself from beneath the covers. I wanted to use mom’s death and the grief that came with it to hide away forever. Mom wouldn’t want that. God didn’t want that. My heart really didn’t want that. So, one day, I talked myself in turning on the light. Lay on my back, in bed still. Afraid still. Yet, I had made the first step. I turned on the light.

Ah! The light. Felt a tiny flicker, inside my heart. One small ember of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get out from under the darkness. I had no idea how I could live and breathe on this earth with my mom gone. She meant everything to me. How can one go on without their everything?!

I don’t know what the ‘everything’ in your life is. I don’t know that thing, person, situation that you lost forever. I don’t know what keeps you in your bed, in the darkness. Afraid to rise. Afraid to live. No longer knowing how to.

Yet, I KNOW, of a certainty, that you CAN rise. It’s hard but you can. A choice that only YOU can make. I write these words in earnest as there are so very many folks who are walking around, afraid to rise and live. They walk around in a prison only they and God can see.

God sees you and wants you free. He calls to you, today. Tells you to rise. You can do this. You can! Begin by turning on the light. Then, roll over and sit up on the side of the bed. Allow yourself the space and time to try. You may be too afraid and will dive back under the covers. That’s okay. Try again tomorrow. Turn on the light. Sit on the edge of the bed, take a breath and rise.

And, once risen, let your spark of life become a raging fire that will consume all your darkness. And, once in the light, please go and get someone who is in there bed and call them to rise. Encourage them. Let them know they are NOT alone. Let them know they can do it.

YOU can do it. Yes, you. If your eyes are reading these words, they were meant for you. You have never been seen/loved/valued the way your precious and priceless soul deserves to be loved.

You are not alone. You will be free. God will help you rise. You can do this. God loves you. I cheer for you as you make your way towards turning on the light, sitting on the side of the bed and rising up to live.

Life is hard but so worth living. Even the hard days. Keep going. I pray for you as you go. I sit with you as you find the strength to rise. You got this.

We all we got, but we all we need.

praying peace/love/blessings for every heart and every man, woman and child,

Cassandra

I FINALLY decided to come out of the flip phone age, purchased me a Samsung Galaxy s8…fabulous phone, by the by. Was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited. I hesitated buying it as it’s one of those phones that does not have a battery you can take out and put in another. I debated about getting it, fretted about the life of the battery. Two years? Hmm…stared at it forever. Two years, huh?….hmmm……

Decided to take a chance and bought my Galaxy s8. Was love at first sight!! The photos it took was awesome. The movies crystal clear! Music sounded fantastic. I was in heaven. Until….

I got to thinking about the battery life. Started fretting about that and began to cut down my usage. HAD to save the battery. I found myself on it less. I stopped watching movies and listened to music sparingly. I made sure to put it in power saving mode which cut down on the apps I could use or their function….*sigh*….started missing my fave apps and just pecking around, hanging out with online friends and checking on fam I don’t get to see.

I HAD to save the battery, tho, to make sure I got my full two years worth of battery life. I started to get annoyed. I missed my love affair with my Galaxy s8!…*stamps foot angrily*…..

One day, I was laying bed, and got to thinking. What the world was the point in having a phone I enjoyed and afraid to enjoy it? Great question. Sadly, we do that with our lives, don’t we? We hold ourselves back from love, from trying new things, from using the things that we love.

Why, you may ask? We do so for fear of ‘running out’. We want to save what we have, to hoard it. We want to relive those good memories, over and over, instead of embarking on making new ones.

I got to thinking about that…..hmm…..darn it I want to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy!….*stamps foot angrily*…..hmm….

One day, I decided, to heck with this…..grabbed up my Galaxy s8, started up Season 8 of Grey’s….*hugs phone*…..*sigh*…..heaven!!!

I visited old friends, made some new ones. I blasted my music with my ear buds, sang lustily and semi badly….sorry neighbors…..hugged myself and rocked out enjoying my phone, enjoying my life. Who knows where I will be or where life may take me in the next two years?

Life is sooooooooooooooooooooooo very short. Don’t be afraid to live it, yall. Grab hold of life. Live it to the fullest. If you are missing that friend, call and make up with them. If you would like to live in that cool place, start researching and get after it. If you want a new job, pursue it.

Time to live! Time to do YOU. Fear not, dear heart. This life is waiting for you to live it. Yes, there are hard times. There will be some sad ones. Don’t let fear of sad or hard days keep you from living in the NOWNESS of life. Life can be so hard and seem cruel. But, o, peeps, life surely is worth living!!….*Cassandra gives herself a big hug*…..delish.

Use up that battery. You can always get a new phone. Don’t let that phone sit, waiting for you. Life is waiting for YOU. You have been praying for this, hoping for that. Get on up, keep on praying and live. We got this yall.

We all we got, but we all we need. This POC love all my brothers and sisters of every race, creed, political party. Love me back.

Take care and stay safe,

Cassandra

Oftentimes, we ask life for things, beg God for things. We ask and fret, beg and fume, not realizing that we already have ot already beem given those things that we seek.

I needed groceries. Had a hankering for some oj, brats, and chicken breast. Wouldn’t you know it the oj and chicken and brats were out of stock

I figure okay and order some other thingss. Knowing I have had to cram things in the freezer and jam things in the fridge I figure I need to clean both to make room. I know. I know. I have been promising myself, cajoling myself and threatening myself to clean the fridge and freezer, Cassandra already!! You know what happened last time you waited to take out the garbage?!😡

Thinking of Percival the fly I tear over to the fridge and begin the massive clean up. After I came to after about five minutes, I cleared out oj, chocolate milk, darn it I had been wanting some chocolate milk!, found no less than 5 packages of brats!!?, AND a plump chicken breast!!!!

*SIGH*…hhhmm….*sigh *…oopps.🤔🤷‍♀️

Not only had I had plenty of what I had been wanting, I also was able to make room for fresh groceries. I had been wasting money buying things I already had, not able to buy things I wanted due to lack of space and smelling up what was left on top of that. Good yikes.

There are times that we blame life and God for some smelly things when the fault lies with our own laziness or lack of effort or belief.

Nowadays folks just don’t want to get their own act right. Folk want to be patted in the head and told they are fabulous all the time. Or, they want to point fingers at other folk fridge/freezer!

Time to clean out the fridge, folk, get some act right and acknowledge we didn’t move when life or God told us to. Or, we didn’t follow the instructions to the letter. We took a short cut, tried to use the thing without utilizing the needed instructions or just didn’t do…well, just cuz!

Time to look ourselves in the eye and get our act right and move on. No need in beating yourself up for all the food wasted and space you could have used.

Time to begin, again. It’s okay that you weren’t okay enough to clean the fridge. You are doing it now.

Look up and look ahead to the goodies that life and God can now deliver to and for you.

You got this. Keep going as will I. Be sure to let someone know they are loved. I love you, my blog fam. Love me back, wouldja?😎❤