Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months, years where it seemed as if all your efforts have gone in vain?
Have you ever wondered what in the world did you start this or do that, in the first place?
Have you ever wanted to run away from home, tired of forever having to take the ‘high road’, to keep on keeping on, to keep doing the thing, praying the prayer, working the thing and NOTHING IS CHANGING!!!!!! Ack. Egads. Whew.
I have had one of those days. Okay, one of those weeks. In fact, week one of 2021 has began with the SAME fighting for things, about things, with things, in order to stay positive and on track.
I kept pushing the SAME boulders up the SAME impossible hills, watched those boulders slide right back down to the bottom!
What. What! What???!
I would stomp back down, to the bottom of the hill. I would, look up, from the bottom of the hill, thinking, good egads this sure is a big old hill.
God AND Life, would get on my last nerves, yall, to get them boulders and get to pushing them back up the hill. They cheer me on, tell me that I have ‘got this’ and to keep going.
I look at the same dumb boulders, peer suspiciously, and tiredly, mind you, up the big blasted hill and begin again……get most of the way up and…..dumb rock!!
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Pushing one dream up the hill, only to see it tumble down. Drag one fervent prayer, up the stupid hill, only to watch it slide silently by.
What. What!!?
Late one night, I was tired. Just tired. Not of fighting. Okay, slightly, of fighting. I was just tired of….hmm….found I was just tired.
Told God AND Life that I was tired. I wasn’t giving up. I was just TIRED: of fighting the same fights, of taking the high road, of trying to look at life through God and Life’s perspective and not by my tiny view.
God and Life told me this is all part of the journey. All of it. This is just how the sausage gets made. We try. We try. We try. We….good yikes, try some more. Until, we grow tired.
The trick is in what we do when we get tired. What do we DO with the tired…hmm….aha!
Yea, God and Life. Yall aint slick. I see your silent messages you have been trying to send, to get me to understand what to DO with the tired, when I am tired.
I told God and Life that I was tired. They asked me ‘well, whatcha want to do about being tired? Whatcha going to DO with the tired?’
I thought about it and wanted nothing more than to take an evening to rest. To take an evening, for ME, to rest. Just to rest. No trying. No praying. No saying. ALL I wanted was to have a glass of chocolate milk and eat some Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles that were FINALLY back in stock.
God and Life asked me why, then, had I not just taken an evening to rest and enjoy some chips and chocolate milk? What would happen when I rested? Would the world end? Would the thing never get done? Did ALL of life rest on me not resting?
Hmmm….okay, so I guess they won’t. I argued, just a tad, that I had been making lemonade out of all these lemons life had been handing me.
God let me know He actually did have everything covered. He just needed my willingness to try. He would do the rest. He suggested that I take a day of rest, that I ask life for grapes, instead. The thing will get done, the dream will be had or something else had in it’s place.
So, I took His advice. Shut down the brain. Fired up the Hulu. Snatched some chips and chocolate milk and let the world have it’s way. For a while. Life could make the lemonade. As for me and my house, we havin’ grapes today yall.
Be at peace. When you are tired, rest. At ALL times, be encouraged.
Have you done the thing with the best of intentions?
Then, ENOUGH ALREADY!
You HAVE done your best, given your all, and done the thing with the best of intentions, at heart.
This is ALL that God and Life requires. Give yourself a break. Let God and Life do THEIR thing, as you have done your part. Stop digging up your seeds, trying to see if the thing is growing yet. How can they if we are forever getting in God and Life’ way?
It may not be for you to see the outcome, of whatever you have been asked to do. You may not be the one to see the thing accomplished, the person helped, the battle won.
You may have been the catalyst, the helper, the ender of the thing. It may not be your place to know.
God and Life asks for us just to do the thing, to love one another, to care about this or that. It’s not up to us to ensure the message is received, the love is returned, the job gets done.
ALL that is required is that we are available: to love, to care, to do, to share, to commiserate, to hug, to cry, to laugh, to……you get my point.
It’s enough, beloved. STOP beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be. STOP fighting with yourself over what you don’t yet have. STOP giving yourself a hard time for not knowing the right words to say at the right time. Or, for saying the wrong ones. You HAVE done your best. You are trying.
Please note, I have said these words to myself, first, and have passed on the savings to you.
It is ENOUGH, yall. We are doing our best. The trick is to keep on going, to keep on doing, to keep on loving, to keep on striving. Even when we don’t feel our best. ESPECIALLY when we are not feeling our best or hearing well or…..good yikes, there are so many what ifs and how comes. Don’t worry about those.
The only thing you have to do is to cut yourself a bit of slack.
2021 has started. We all clamored for 2020 to be over, for 2021 to get here.
It’s here, now. I sit and look at it with…..*shrug*……
I have NO idea what to do with 2021. I am not a drinker. Yet, I admit to spending the last few days, snuggled up to a bottle of Bacardi. A small, tasteful bottle.
I asked myself what I was doing, after my third glass. This is NOT helpful in being a grown up, in figuring out what comes next for me, for us all in 2021.
I couldn’t figure things out so went to the next thing. Binged watched ‘This is Us’ while wondering why ‘This is Us’ couldn’t be me, why I couldn’t be Beth….man, what an awesome show!!!
I prayed, for answers, and heard not a peep, from The Big Man Upstairs. I talked to my twin, who did her best to be supportive and let me know life was just….life. I wasn’t trying to hear THAT. I wanted to hear something……what in the fresh hell….
I don’t know what I wanted to hear. Just know/knew that I wanted to hear….something. Anything other than just keep on keeping on.
My accountability partner is forever annoying me and encouraging me to ‘push through’. To keep on going, no matter what. To keep on doing me, being me, and to wait PATIENTLY, for God to show up and to show out.
The silence is driving me cra cra. God has always told me to just keep following His last directions. His last direction was just to keep on being me, to keep on loving folks and to WAIT, patiently.
Crap. CRAP!! What in the fresh hell…..
The morale of the story? The morale of the story is we just HAVE to keep walking in faith. Faith WITHOUT allowing our feelings to be involved. My feelings have been all over the world, the past few days. Last year had some mostly awful days. Yet, last year I met some really great new friends, re connected with some fam, gave more of me than I have EVER given.
I have finally moved past the lost of my mom. Okay, big lie right there. I will never move past it. But, have been moving on, slowly. I don’t allow grief to muck up too much of my day. Yea, it snatches a few hours or two. Yes, I still find myself boohooing, in the middle of the night or the middle of the day. But, I cry from mostly joy, now, remembering happy moments, satisfying moments. Moments where mom and I argued over who was better: Lebron or Steph Curry. She always chooses Lebron. I defend Steph, loyally. Secretly, I love them both, equally.
I don’t know what will happen with the new friendships, I have made. Or, the re connected ones, I have rediscovered.
I don’t even know what will be with the close bonds made with my sis and my bro. Just know that I so look forward to chopping it up with my brother about things, big and small. Just know that I look forward to yakking it up, with my twin, in the middle of the night over….*shrug*…..half the time I don’t remember. Just know that I hang up the phone, with great satisfaction, looking forward to her next call or text.
She went off on me for telling her I was considering stopping my blog, from stopping reaching out so damned much. Yea, she went off, just a tad when I told her they are just words. Just MY words.
As if it’s okay to dismiss those words. Kinda ticked me off with myself.
We all need to STOP dismissing our words, ourselves, so easily. I think we make God sad when we do that. We are ALL special. Our words DO matter. They have weight. We can’t stop speaking. We just can NOT decide to stop caring.
I told sis, last night, I wished that I didn’t care so much. That’s not true. I am glad that I care. The world needs more folks to care. I just wish there were more hours in the day. Wish there was more me to spread around and to give.
God asks us to give. He asks us to give OURSELVES. It’s sooooooooooooo hard, though. To give, ourselves. What if folks won’t receive what we have to give? What if they won’t receive US?
Ah, that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Taking the chance to love, and then having that love either dismissed or ignored or…….good yikes any number of hurtful things, like that.
Yet, God keeps asking us to love others. To keep on trying. No matter what.
Why? Because there have been so many, who have been so hurt, by life, that they reject love, not because they don’t love and care for us. Not because they don’t want to receive, with open arms.
It’s just because keeping their dukes up, keeping their hearts locked away, is all they know now. They don’t reject us. They are just afraid. God just needs for us to just keep on loving folks. To keep on being THERE.
God just needs some folks to keep on being there, for folks who will take just a bit longer to come around. They will.
2021 is about healing. As a nation. As individuals. God needs those who are willing to just BE THERE. Just to be there. It will hurt. It won’t be easy. Yet, it will be worth it.
God loved me enough to be there for me, at my lowest. He loved me, just as I was. He helped me grow. He touched my life. He let me know that I would ALWAYS be loved. No matter what. No matter how long it took. He would be there.
Today, I know no more now, than I knew the day before yesterday. Today, though, I know that it’s okay, not to know.
I am here, world, loving you. I ain’t going nowhere. Even though your silence hurts. You WILL be okay. We all will. I have your back. Until, you can have mine.
Keep going. For those, who are hurting, it’s okay. God really does understand why you have had your guards up, your fists up, for so long. He will be there for you and I will keep on praying you through, until you are ready to let others in, to care for you.
For those who are doing their best to care, it’s okay. Keep on loving folks. They will come around. They will. It’s nothing personal, towards you. Those wounds/hurts have been there long before you arrived. Keep on doing you, being you, and caring.
For those who just don’t know. I hear you. I hear me. We just have to keep on pushing through. Have to keep trying. Have to keep doing what we do no matter what we see or don’t see. No matter if we don’t hear what we think we should from those we care about or fight for. Keep on caring. God and Life will have their way.
For YOU, who reads these words, make sure to fill YOUR bucket. It does no good to rush to the aid of the world, and have your own bucket be empty. Let someone know, when you have run out of gas. Let God know, when you have run out of gas. Let YOU know, when you have run out of gas. It’s okay to be empty. Not okay to be prideful and remain there.
2021 will be as glorious as we make it. Let’s make it a good one. Let’s love one another, starting with ourselves. It’s not on our friends or family or work or this or that to keep us filled and refreshed. We can only be that way as we tell our pride to kick rocks, and partner with God and Life to keep it moving, no matter what. Faith does not give one whit about what we know. Faith just demands that we believe.
Have faith in you. Have faith in your efforts. Have faith that God and Life WILL have the ultimate say. Have faith that your words are pulling down strongholds, filling empty love buckets, restoring what was broken, giving new life to hopeless dreams.
I REFUSE to allow doubt, fear, frustration or any other thing to build a wall between me and thee. Don’t you allow those things to build one around you. We got this, folks. We really do. So long as we do this, together.
We all we got, but we all we need. We are MORE than enough. We are. YOU are.
Am I enough? I have been asking myself this question for weeks. For months.
I have been asking this of God and of me. Why?
Because there are sooooooo many folks out there, hiding. They are wounded and lonely and frustrated and grieving and life is kicking their tails, as it has kicked mine.
I have learned how to give those wounds, those hurts, those fears, those hard things to God. Okay, so it took a bit of wooing, on His part, to get me to surrender, to get me to TRUST that He really does love me and care for my life.
There is something about being set free. It makes you long to see others free. You can’t rest, knowing there are so many folk out there, hiding wounds that need healing and bonding. That there are hearts needing to be loved but are afraid they won’t be loved back.
So, I pray and ask God to help folk, to touch hearts, to let folk know He isn’t to be feared. He loves us. I ask Him what I can do and all He ever tells me is to love folk. To just be ME and to love them.
That’s when the argument starts. I tell God I am no one special. All that I have to offer life and Him and folks is me. My love and care. My prayers for healing and peace. My dumb jokes and texts, in the middle of the day or night just wanting folk to know that I care.
How can that possibly help Him or life or folk?
God doesn’t play fair. He won’t even argue back. Simply says for me to be me and just love folk.
I tell Him that I am inadequate. I don’t use enough commas and use too many ‘thats’. He says write anyway.
I tell Him my jokes are really dumb and most folks don’t get them. He agrees and says to be foolish anyway. Life and folk could stand a bit of dumbness.
There are so many things I have asked Life for and Life has stayed silent. I fuss with God and tell Him I am tired of asking. It has to be ME that’s the problem. I despair it has to be me as so many around me has been blessed. And, all I have is my love and my care.
All God says is to keep asking of Life, to keep loving folk, to keep trusting Him.
I ask God if I am enough and He said:
Jeremiah 31:3 – The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
John 13:34 – A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
How can I argue with that!?
God keeps telling us all to love one another, to help bear someone else’s burden. He just asks us to love folk, as we are, as THEY are.
Don’t wait until they turn into someone you think they should be. Love them. As they are. WHERE they are. Right now. In their moment.
I have messed up so spectacularly. And, God extended His grace and loved me. He loves me, still. When I mess up, He loves me, still. When I try hard, He loves me, still. When I barely have enough me to scrape out of bed, He loves me, still.
When I am angry with Him and tell Him to go kick rocks, He loves me, still. When I repent for telling Him to go rocks, He laughs and loves me, still.
When I question Him and why He seems to go silent when I need Him to shout of His love for me, He loves me, still.
When I have fought the day and it appears the day has kicked my tail, He loves me, still.
God just won’t stop loving and believing in me. I am doing my level best to love me, with the same tenacity and care. Am doing my best to love Life and folk with the same tenacity and care.
All that I have to give this world is me. Is that enough?
We shall all find out, eh?
Am going to love this world, and the folks in it, for the rest of my days. What shall I get back in return? Don’t ask me. God knows and He ain’t telling.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 