Month: June 2021

I miss you, mom.

I miss you, mom. I’m trying, mom. Trying to be a big girl. Trying to do what’s right. Trying to live right. To do right.

Trying to love folk as you did. You cared about folk. Gave them your last.

Would give every dime I have just to see your face again.

Think I will have a good missing mom cry. Won’t even get started on all those who are with you now.

😥

Me

If you still have your mom on this side of heaven, give her a hug. Call her. If you are not speaking, call her. Life is short. Same for dads.

Your time WILL come.

Waiting, on anything, can get hard at times.

Waiting, on life-changing things, can be:

Agonizing.

Frustrating.

Annoying!

Hurry up already and get here!!!

Feels like we are in a blasted waiting room, doesn’t it?

I HATE WAITING ROOMS!!!

*pout *…*sigh*…

Seems like nothing good comes from waiting. What the world is up with all this in the meantime waiting?!

Yikes!

Egads!

Truth be told, waiting is crucial. Waiting shows us, US!

Yea, anyone can hold on, for a while. Anyone can be positive and optimistic when thinking something is fixing to happen quick, fast, and in a hurry.

The longer the dream tarries, though, the farther the dream appears to be….well….dammit….it is taking toooooooo long God and Life!!!

*pout*….*sniff*….oops…..*Cassandra realizes she has NOT been PATIENTLY waiting and standing*….oops….*Cassandra gets some act right, right quick and remembers the entire ball game rests in her resting AND trusting God and Life to do Their thing*.

Aha!

See, the waiting part, is crucial. God and Life could change my circumstances, could change your circumstances, in an instant.

This being the case, the question is WHY the waiting, still?

The waiting shows us who we truly are, what we REALLY believe, who we are ACTUALLY BELIEVING IN.

If we are trusting/waiting/believing God and Life, we can wait, patiently. We understand that true change takes time, effort, time, more effort, more time. Rinse and repeat.

Yet, if we have some doubt somewhere, our hearts and minds can tend to wander and then wonder. Wander around wondering if God REALLY does care, will Life REALLY change, will we REALLY be free of this, will be able to have that, will be able to go there and be that and….

Yep, the wait game plays it’s own games. The wait game, is a game changer. Is THE game changer.

For, it is the waiting, that we truly grow. In the waiting, we get to see what we are made of. We get to see what our temper is like. We get to see if we are truly committed to the things we are hoping/striving for.

We get to see how much we truly want the thing or the change. We get to find out if we are in this, for the long haul.

We also get to see what we REALLY, REALLY, REALLY think of the promises of God and Life, for our lives.

Yea, it’s easy enough, to believe good things happen for others. You see seeming ‘successful’ couples, businessmen or women. You see folks pushing strollers, when your arms are empty of children and or significant other.

Yea, you see folk with their significants( not sure if this is even a word but sounds good to me), and wonder where are YOUR significants!

Dammit….*pout*…..oopps.

It feels like we are running out of time, doesn’t it?

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, GOD AND LIFE! CAN’T YOU SEE THIS???!

Of course, we are not running out of time. There is still time for us to do, have and be. Just takes time. And, waiting for things to be set right, set in motion, put in place, and the myriad of things that must happen before WE can happen.

The trick is in HOW we wait, not in the actual wait time. There really is no getting around the waiting.

It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering a nice meal. Do you want half cooked food? Do you want food hastily prepared and served just because you were too impatient to wait the requisite time?

It is NOT the cook’s fault that you rushed in, just at closing time. It is NOT the server’s fault, you were ‘too busy’ doing other things, those things now done, you want your meal, RIGHT NOW!

It is not the hostess’ fault you did not prepare for the wait time and now waiting to be ‘entertained’ whilst you wait.

Fact of the matter is this: It doesn’t matter what time you got to the restaurant. Doesn’t even matter what mood you were in, when you arrived. ALL that matters is you arrived, BEFORE closing. So, take a chill pill, and WAIT!

Wait for your meal to be prepared fully. Use the wait time to anticipate how great your meal will taste. Read a book. Talk to the person seated next to you. Say a prayer for someone, while you wait for your ‘meal’ to come. Listen to some tunes.

Speaking of tunes, I woke up a bit on the annoyed side. Not so much annoyed. Unhappy. Okay, not so much unhappy but….just found myself not wanting to wait for my time to be here. I just did not ‘feel like’ getting up and doing my current job, the new job I had to take after my old job was suddenly snatched away.

I found myself a bit miffed in being in this ‘in between stage’ of life. I never asked to be snatched out of the job I enjoyed. This new job, it’s okay, just not my heart’s desire job.

DAMMIT I WANT TO BE DOING MY HEART’S DESIRE JOB, GOD AND LIFE!!!!!!!!!….*stamps foot*…

*sigh*. It seems I am no longer satisfied with how things are. Before, I was minding my own damned business, surviving life, helping others, encouraging others, but, well, just surviving, to be honest. I had a job I loved, an apartment with affordable rent, and was waiting around for life to show up and show out for me.

God and Life heard my silent screams of….no idea what I was silently screaming for. Just knew there was much more to the life I had been surviving. My spirit wanted to live. My heart wanted to try new things, see new places, fall flat on my face whilst I laughed at the dumbness I had gotten myself into.

Fast forward to the burning bush. If you have not read about the burning bush, please and thanks go back in the blog and read. 🙂

Fast forward to the burning bush, turning aside and now on fire, pun intended kinda sorta, to LIVE, love, do, see, be, yada yada.

Only problem, however, is God and Life, may have perchance, accidentally on purpose, may have left out the fact these things take TIME.

Fresh hell…*tiny pout*.

We didn’t get in survival mode, over night. We didn’t get in a rut, over night. We didn’t get in our fixes, over night. Why the world we think life will right itself, overnight, is beyond me.

Our impatience has been part of the problem, hasn’t it, though? If we were honest, just for a few seconds, we would admit we may have rushed this a bit, trampled hastily over that.

We said no, because the yes would have taken too long. We said yes, because we were in sucn an all fired hurry to get there already!!

We blasted through life, relationships, jobs, moments, situations, trying to hurry up and get to the end of the damned thing, forgetting WHY we were in such an all fire hurry in the first place and….

hmm…pattern seems to emerge here. Rush. Get in a mess. Pray for mess to be removed. God and Life says okay, tries to get us out of our man-made mess. We get in a hurry, grow impatient, shove THEIR Hands out of the way and proceed to make a bigger mess than the first mess ever made.

God and Life already factored our hard headness, our anxious, our (fill in whatever you like here), into the equation. Figured it in and added liberal doses of wait time so we can get some act right, act right, and correct things needing correcting, fixing things we can fix, letting go of things we have tore up too much to fix on our own.

God and Life don’t just want us free ‘for the moment’ or until we get into other or worse scrapes. God wants us FREE! WHOLE!

It’s in the wait time, in the meantime, we scrape off excess foolishness. We learn, FINALLY, to enjoy the journey. The journey, I have been and am learning, still, is the ball game. If you are truly living, not just existing, you find so many precious moments, in the meantime. You discover how loudly the quietness can be.

You discover your heart has been speaking to you, trying to speak to you, all this time.

Listening to the heart can get scary, though, can’t it? Alas, another topic for another blog.

Waiting forces us to listen:

To, our heart.

To, God.

To, Life.

To, those who TRULY care for us.

If we listen, if we wait, patiently, we SHALL have all we were meant to have. We SHALL do those things meant for just us to do. We SHALL have love, be loved, be able to show/feel/receive/give love.

We WILL, beloveds. We will.

Just takes time.

Be good to you, this time, won’t you please and thanks?

Give yourself the TIME it will take to move forward, move beyond, heal, grow, receive, do, have and ALL the wonderous things God and Life had prepared for you before you were even born.

Remember, your very life, your precious and loved soul, was worthy of the death of The King, Jesus. God, The Father, loved you sooooooooooooooooooooo very much, He sent His Only Son, to let you know how much you are loved, adored, fought for, thought of, revered, honored, accepted, received…..need I go on?

Why wouldn’t you, knowing these things, NOT have all meant for you?

You shall. Give it time. Give yourself time. There IS plently of time to for you. You haven’t missed the boat, missed the mark, and all the other sayings I could be saying, know what I am saying??….lol….

Rejoice, beloveds. Rejoice. You got this.

Take a breath. A deep one. Look around you. Look at how far you have already come. Don’t worry about the miles, yet to be. Those miles will take care of themselves. They are not going anywhere, trust me. They will be waiting for you. Ah, there goes that word again….waiting.

Your time IS coming. Your time is yet here. A paradox. The fact you are straining towards all your dreams are sure sign they are around the corner. Enjoy the journey. ALL of it. The anxious days. The quiet days. The frustrating days. The joyful days. The sad days. We only get one life. Enjoy it.

Enjoy you. God sure does. He enjoys ALL your quirks. He enjoys seeing how hard you try. He enjoys how much you care. Just enjoys you, period. You do the same now, okay?

In the meantime, I shall keep your heart in prayer. I shall continue to ask God and Life to bless you. I shall continue to ask for true healing, peace, love, joy, safety, sanctuary, love, life, love, life. Rinse/repeat.

Be still and know He is God and you are loved and your issues are ever before Him and ALWAYS on His Heart and Mind. As are you.

Be well and stay safe.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Tell frustration and in the meantime to go kick some rocks!

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rmLs1Cu-DEA&feature=share

In the meantime…

IN THE MEANTIME!!

Those three words! Ack!

They can be:

Maddening.

Frustrating.

Discouraging.

IF. Ah, if…

In the meantime, can ONLY be frustrating, maddening, discouraging ONLY if we allow the natural waiting, of life, to be so.

God and Life desires that we ENJOY this life. ALL of it. The exciting times. The supposed boring times. The excruciatingly long times. The tough times. The mad times. The sad times.

We only get one get around period in this getting around thing, called life.

No need wasting too many moments on frustrations over what you don’t yet have or have not done yet.

No need in driving yourself, and others, up ten walls over what should be or ought be or how come it ain’t already!

No need in lamenting, discouraging yourself, and others of all the ‘if only’ and ‘how come’ and all the needless, pointless, foolish things we waste precious moments on pondering all the whys and wherefores.

Since, we control NONE of these, best we get to telling them to go kick some rocks, already!

We SHALL have all that God and Life mean for us to have.

We WILL do all the things put before us.

We CAN do ALL things THROUGH He who loves us.

What in the world we all fretting about/for?!

We got this, people. We really do.

In the meantime, love on some folk. Starting with YOU. Cut yourself some slack, would you, please and thanks? You are doing best you can. Your efforts are being noted.

In the meantime, spend some time with folk you love. Hang out with God and Life. Spend some time getting to know you more and better.

Life is short. Best we get to living it…

…in the meantime.

I love me some you.

God loves you, beloveds. He truly does. Let Him.❤😎🔥

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Cassandra

Real Talk: HIS Handwriting.

“You need to start writing”.

*sigh*

There she went, AGAIN! My accountability partner, delivering yet another gentle boot to my rear.

Gentle? Ha!

Her: You need to start writing.

Me: I AM writing.

Her: Handwritten.

Me: You KNOW I have nuero issues which makes writing difficult. Besides, you know I HATE my handwriting. It looks like I should be a doctor or something.

Her: You need to start handwriting. Soon.

Me: Dammit (to myself, of course).

Dammit.

DAMMIT!!!!!

*Cassandra throws a mini tantrum*…..*pout*…..*Cassandra would dearly love to tell her accountability partner, Life, AND God to go kick some rocks already!!!*

*sigh*…..*pout*….*sigh*….okay….fresh hell….

Yikes!

Egads!

Yall too!? What do you mean what’s the big deal about writing, by hand? If I were honest with you, with me, I would have to own the REAL reason I stopped writing, by hand. Years and years ago.

God and Life not playing fair, now. Once They cause us to turn aside, to SEE our burning bush, They are RELENTLESS, in getting us to see, acknowledge and to burn away, EVERY hindrance that gets in our way. EVERY thing that will deter us from LIVING. EVERY focus that keeps us looking down, looking backwards, instead of moving FORWARD, walking STRAIGHT, not crooked….

Okay! Okay! I will stop stalling and fess up…crap….living ain’t always easy, yall…..

I admit it. I have AWFUL handwriting. All scratchy. Near unrecognizable. Looks like something off a heart monitor!

My sisters have beautiful handwriting. I have always admired THEIR handwriting. So fluid. So pretty. Looked like a joy to write.

My handwriting was ALWAYS a struggle. Had to take extra time for folks to understand it. Cursive. Regular. N matter. They BOTH looked the same! HOW printing and cursive can look the same is beyond me.

I loved/love the writing gifts God and Life have given me. Love being able to string words together, in ways that makes sense, makes no sense. I love being able to encourage others, with just a timely word here or there.

Yet, HATED to see those SAME words, coming from such UGLY handwriting! I don’t know why, but I always, secretly that is, thought I was letting my gift down with the awfulness of MY handwriting. The writing gifts I attributed to God. MY handwriting. Well, it was MINE. I was the moron who couldn’t write in pretty, and acceptable, flowing writing ‘for a girl’. Girls were SUPPOSED to have pretty, flowing handwriting.

Girls were also supposed to be, quiet. I was not. I was loud.

Girls were also supposed to be, delicate. I was not. I was strong, athletic, Hercules. Code words for ‘you ain’t girly enough’.

I was so thankful when computers came out. I could type!!! I could hide behind the typed word.

Ah! Hiding. There goes that existing stuff again, eh?

I became very good at hiding behind words. I never thought about it, that way. Thought I was just giving out HIS Encouraging Words. Loved doing so. Loved selecting super pretty font, extra cute stationary. All to showcase HIS Words with. They were beautiful words, to me. Encouraged many a folks with words. Encouraged myself, with those words.

Yet, each time, I dismissed my handwriting, the way God and Life, had birthed me to be, I think I made Them sad. GOD was The One who made me the way He had. ALL of me. Not just the parts I care for. ALL OF THEM makes me….well, they all make me ME.

Even, my handwriting. Especially, my handwriting. When I write, with my hands, my heart comes tumbling out. Always has. I missed that feeling. The feeling of not caring what folks thought of how the words looked, just how they made one feel or see.

I will share what I finally wrote, in my journal, on 5/11/21:

I love writing. Always hated my handwriting. It was never pretty. The words were pretty. The handwriting, me, by extension, never was. Ah! “You have beautiful eyes”. “Write. With your hands”….was right. Dad was right. I am beautiful. My pen never lies. I write. I have nice eyes 🙂

Will admit, writing this, reading this then, made me cry. Rereading those words, makes me want to cry, now.

I AM beautiful. God created me. There is only ONE me. No one has my sense of humor, my way of looking at the world. Nobody will ever think my thoughts, dream my dreams, do the things only I was created to do!

God gave me the handwriting I have, today. KNOWING this. FINALLY accepting this, accepting me, do I find he handwriting beautiful? To be honest? No. The fact God gave it to me I find immensely beautiful.

There are days when I wish I were less passionate. Some days where I honestly wished I didn’t care so dammed much about the whole dammed world. Life would be easier, I used to tell myself, if I didn’t care quite as much or tried quite as hard.

I don’t think this way, anymore. I do wish, at times, that the caring did not hurt as much, was not as tough to carry as caring can be.

Caring makes one vulnerable. Sharing our ‘handwriting’ with the world, makes us super vulnerable. Folks, can, and will dismiss it, dismiss us. Being dismissed hurts. Yet, caring, being willing to be open and vulnerable is precious. You learn soooooooooo many things, about yourself, when you give yourself away to others.

Folks can either love you back or think your efforts not enough, for them.

Does this make you any less beautiful, wonderful, cherished? No.

Time for us all to show our ‘handwriting’ to this world. This world NEEDS what we have. This world is desperate for my unique handwriting, for your special handwriting.

We are HIS Handwriting. We are His Hands. We are His Shoulders. We are His Arms. Some folks will never know love save what we show to them. Don’t hold back your ‘handwriting’ thinking your handwriting is ugly.

We were made how we were made for a reason. You were not meant to look like, act like, be like anyone else. Keep on being you. Keep on doing you. Keep on writing. You don’t have to be on ‘fancy paper with fancy fonts’. Just keep ‘writing’ and let God and Life do the rest.

His and yours,

Cassandra LOVED

You are.

You are.

Period.

You ARE:

Enough.

Everything.

Loved.

Cherished.

Protected.

Valued.

Seen.

Heard.

You are.

You are:

Loved, by God.

You are:

So much more than you have EVER given yourself credit for.

You are.

You are:

Amazing.

More than a conqueror.

You are.

You are:

Precious.

Priceless.

You are.

YOU are.

YOU ARE!

Away with you dismissing you!

Away with you believing those who would dismiss you.

Away with ALL that would have you see yourself as anything less than the awesome, loved, adored, cherished, protected, amazing, and valued person God KNOWS you to be, Life KNOWS you to be, and all that loves KNOWS you to be.

As for the rest, tell them to go kicks some rocks! Whatcha lissening to THEIR nonsense for? They don’t even like themselves, let alone see your worth.

God thinks you are awesome. I think you are amazing. Why? Cuz you all up in my blog…..hahahahahahaha…..kidding. You ARE, though, beloved. You ALREADY are. Stop trying to earn the love already freely given to you.

RECEIVE the love, okay?

I got your back in prayer.

I love you, beloveds.

God loves us all.

Jesus thinks we ALL have got in going on, like popcorn! How fantastic is that???!!!!!!

Real talk: How much do YOU like you?

How much do YOU like you?

Ow! That can be a touchy question.

How much do YOU like you?

Do you only like you when others do?

Do you only like you when you have ‘done a good job’?

Do you only like you when you feel as though you have ‘done enough’ for the day, person, situation?

Do you only like you when work has gone well, when your efforts have been well received?

Do you still like you when you have flamed out, royally, at work or with some person or situation?

Do you STILL like you when ALL your efforts seem to have come to naught?

Do you STILL like you when others seem to have rebuffed you, or worse, ignored you, entirely?

How much do YOU like you?

How much do YOU love you?

Do you love you only when you are receiving love from another?

Can you love yourself when you are all alone with no one to fill your love bucket but YOU?

Is your like and love independent of what you do? Of what you have or perceive yourself of not having yet or at all?

CAN you be liked/loved if you are not DOING anything, at the moment?

Does your just showing up qualify as ‘enough’?

For YOU?

I asked myself, these questions, the other day. A week or so ago, God and Life told me to ‘come down from the wall’. Meaning, get down from watching over folk. Time to get some rest, for ME. As a caregiver, tough message to hear/receive. I am used to encouraging folk, used to ‘being there’ in case of a need. I am used to, swooping in, scooping up, saving the day, giving my last, giving my all.

So, when God and Life, told me to ‘come down from the wall’ and rest. Well, can I admit to being a bit restless?

Is it okay, to admit, to you, at least, I don’t have the first clue, not really, of REAL rest. Am learning, though. One agonizingly quiet minute/hour/day after the other.

At first, when God and Life told me to take a chill pill, and rest, I was excited. Exhausted, to be honest. This has been a tough last year or so. Tough since my mom passed. EVERY day, since mom passed, I have been doing my utmost to let folks know to love, live, and have joy, best they can as life is so very short. So short.

I have felt like some town crier, shouting into the wind, desperate for folks to NEVER have to experience the feeling of watching a loved one, lowered into precious earth, without KNOWING they had loved him/her/they for as long and as hard as they could.

Have done all that I know, given all I have to give. So folks would KNOW they were loved and cared for. I can’t even tell you why it has been so important to me. Other than God needing folk to know.

So, here I was, hollering as loud and long as I could. Then, God and Life, tapped me on the shoulder and told me to be still, to be quiet, to get some rest.

YIKES!

EGADS!

I have felt like an antsy kid. Not really restless. Not really wondering. Not really.

After a few days, though, I must admit my HEART has begun to wonder. Not wander. But WONDER.

Is quiet me, enough for folks?

Is quiet me, enough for ME?

Is quiet me, enough for God and Life?

Ah!

Back to the ‘enough’ question!

I decided to trust God and Life, and do as they said. I turned off the phone. Put down my pen/laptop and was still. Still, and wondering.

Wondered what all I would discover, about ME, not others. Wondered what it would be like to just BE, not do. Just to BE.

Still.

Silent.

Quiet.

The stillness has been sooooooooooooooo still.

The quiet so very quiet.

Seems like all of heaven, and all of ME, is wondering about this one, ME. This ME who has forever been hollering and wondering ‘Why Can’t I Be Loud?! Wondering what SHE wonders about, while NOT wandering about, wondering about others.

What does SHE, me, think about all this not doing stuff, this not speaking stuff, this not writing stuff.

Will I like her this way? Stiil? Quiet? Not rushing, to and fro, seeking someone to help, encourage, support?

Do I love this quiet her?

Do I like this serious her?

Do I need others, to like her before I will/do?

Do I need to see the seal of approval of a like post, a responded to text or email before I will pat her on the head and say ‘well done, faithful servant?’

Let me tell you, these are NOT easy questions to answer, in the still of the night. Rather, they are not easy to hear one’s hearts answers to them. We have NO idea, what our heart will say to us, unless we find the courage and take the time to ask ourselves these things.

I am glad I asked them, of me. Learned many things about me.

What did I learn about me, you ask?

Ah! Another great question!

I shall save those nuggets for upcoming posts. This is called foreshadowing…..hehe…..for me to know and you to read about, should you be curious…hehe….

As for you….

How much do YOU like you? Do you think you have got it going on, like popcorn? Or, do you have to be validated, stamped and sealed, by other’s approval? Do you have to DO to be okay with thee? Dare you give yourself permission, to come down off the wall, and rest, be still, be quiet and find out what YOU truly think about you?

You may surprise yourself, with what you find out.

Let me know what your answers turned out to be.

Ready. Set. LIVE!

yours,

Cassandra