Month: February 2022

When you can’t eat the chili: The kitty in me. Part II

*Cassandra stares at the fridge, listening to the mocking jeers from the uneaten chili, inside. Normally, the jeers would bring out the Ha! in her, the fight in her. Peering, inside her heart, Cassandra finds nothing but sadness and silence and closes the door. Turning away, from the mocking fridge, she let’s seeming defeat, have it’s way. Have, it’s say*

The kitty, it seems, has returned. Alas, she has never left. She has taken up residence, you see, within this heart of mine. She doesn’t roar. She rarely speaks. She is just…here.

With, me.

In, me.

For, me.

To my surprise, beloveds, she IS me.

Right now.

In these moments.

Moments of wondering what in the fresh hell am I to do with ME now???

The world, circumstances, situations, hard, harder, the what in the fresh hells have ALL had their say, had their way, in my life these past days.

In their wake, the kitty inside has been left to wander, to wonder, to live this life IN wonder. Unafraid. Undeterred. Curious.

I am in awe, of her. She pokes, at this. Muses, at that. She touches the things the tiger in me had been too afraid to contemplate, let alone face and then touch.

She pads her way, to the thing. Looks at the thing from all sides. Then, with NO fear, she bats it about. Between her tiny fingers. Knowing, she is safe. Knowing that God, that Life, has her back.

She is not angry about the happenings. She accepts that life will drop off many a happening and will give us the option of doing with it what we will.

I wish I was more like that kitty, I say quietly to Life, to God.

God: Beloved, you ARE that kitty!

Me: I am.

I AM!!

*Striding confidently to the fridge, Cassandra stares defiantly at the mocking chili. Reaching dramatically inside, Cassandra pulls out some sliced turkey and cheese*

ha.

Meow.

waiting for the grass to turn green,

Cassandra

Waiting on the green grass.

Life can be SUCH a metaphor.

Yea, it’s me. Not in rare form or raring to go. But, here. Now. Still.

Has been a tough go:

Fighting the good fight, digging through grief and who gives a damn. The who gives a damn side has been putting up such convincing arguments, lately.

Staring at freshly made chili that I STILL can not eat. Dammit!…*Cassandra stares at fresh chili wondering what in the fresh hell is keeping that damned lid on!*🤬

Going back to a work assignment that was not fun the first, second, third or tenth time around but one that must be done. Fresh hell.

Staring in the mirror at this stranger who appears to be me. Yikes! Egads!

Waiting, on…

Waiting, for…

Waiting, with…

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

My heart, has been waiting.

For, years.

For, decades.

For, what?

You got me. I have been asking THAT question for the past 30 years. Something inside just won’t let me go. Just won’t leave me be.

That SOMETHING, keeps motivating me to keep going, to keep giving, to keep loving, to keep trying. Won’t say why. Just keeps pushing me, forward. Pushing me, upward. Pushing me, through.

Ack!

Dammit!

All this pushing is working my nerves having NO idea what all the fuss has been and is for.

Me?

Others?

God?

Life?

Fresh hell!

Here I sit, in a cold car, tapping by phone’s light, trying to figure out the mystery of life, THIS life, whilst cold fries have long signalled their defeat in a wilted non eatable mess. I feel you, fries!

The phrase about the grass being greener, on the other side, comes to mind. Seems as though us dummy humans are forever imaging what life would/could be like ‘if only this’ or if only that’.

Apparently, those ‘if onlies’ will swoop in and make our lives ‘better’. Better than what? Don’t ask me. I had been just a big a dummy as everyone else in waiting for, yearning for, raging about, the greener grass. There, on the other side of the catastrophe called our boring lives.

We look around and gaze fondly, at the neighbor’s yard. We gawk at how big, how beautiful, how plentiful, THEIR path of grass, appears to be.

What’s worse is we then look upon OUR particular, peculiar, old, dusty, spotty, non-growing, small, teeny, tiny, never-going-to-amount-to-anything plot of grass, and grieve about what will never be.

We look at other plots, at others shots, and stop taking our own. We fold our tent. We tell ourselves it will never be so we stop trying to make it be.

Truth be told, we stop trying. Subtly, so the world won’t know. We do, though.

We, make do.

We, settle.

We, make loud ruckus and do a bunch of bust work to drown out the pull, the call, the urging of that waiting. That waiting, that waits.

Still.

Always.

Calling, us.

Waiting, for us.

WHO waits?

WHAT waits?

Me?

Others?

God?

Life?

Fresh hell!

*Cassandra adds cold, lifeless fries to the chili she still can’t eat and waits for the green grass*

To be continued…

Cassandra

Leave a flower, then keep it moving.

Today was just one of those days where the doing of the day just wasn’t happening.

Winter storm, outside.

Work/life storm, inside.

Chili made, but tasteless.

Calls waiting, to be taken.

Sad, about my friend’s passing.

Sad, because Dad’s birthday is just a few days away.

Sad, because I can’t talk to mom about dad’s birthday almost here.

Sad, because of being so exhausted from trying not to be sad and keeping it moving.

Called my wombie, told her of my sad. Told her I just didn’t have the fight, today. Not, today. Told her I was sad. She gave me permission to climb down from the world and to BE sad, for a bit.

I climbed down, and was sad.

I rested.

I awoke.

I walked to the casket which bore all of life’s sad things. I gazed at it, in understanding. I placed a flower upon it, gave one last glance…

I walked away, the rest of life yet to be lived.

I live.

To be continued…

Cassandra

  1. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

  2. Anthony Nguyen's avatar

    That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…

  3. Domenico Valentino Covelli's avatar
  4. Tansy Gunnar's avatar
  5. Cassandra S.'s avatar

I’m a bad mamma jamma! Ha!

Ha!

*Cassandra looks at the discouragement that has been incessantly and consistently trying to get in*

Ha!

*Cassandra tells discouragement to go on head and kick rocks already!*

I got this.

Ha!

I’m a bad mamma jamma!

Some days, beloveds, it’s important to declare to this world that ‘homie don’t play that!’. It’s imperative to tell fear, anger, despair, discouragement and ALL the emotions that pop up, hidden in situations and circumstances, intent on getting us to get all up in our feelings about this thing or that happening.

It’s okay, to not be okay.

It’s okay, to feel this way or that way.

What is NOT okay, is to take out the sunscreen and take up residence in our feelings. Feel them. Do what needs to be done. Then, get back after it. Get back to being about it.

Life is good, even when it’s hard. Let the hard do what it do. You do what YOU must/can do.

Ha!

I’m a bad mamma jamma!

How ’bout you?

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

  1. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

  2. Anthony Nguyen's avatar

    That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…

  3. Domenico Valentino Covelli's avatar
  4. Tansy Gunnar's avatar
  5. Cassandra S.'s avatar

Let’s do!

*sigh*

I talked to someone, today, who made it crystal clear that folk like me, persons of color, are not ‘fit’ to live among ‘decent’ folk. Apparently, us folk of color should be…

*sigh*.

I found him terribly sad and said a prayer for him. Must be tough carrying around so much hate.

It DOES get old, beloveds, being forced account for, apologize for, be grateful for EVERY breath/step, we, as persons of colored, are ALLOWED to have/take upon the earth.

*sigh*

I must admit, it gets exhausting, old even, having to forever take the high road.

I was talking, to a white friend, and she told me she didn’t know how I was not forever angry. I told her, I MUST take the high road. Else, I would literally be angry 24/7 due to the lack of opportunities, out and out foolishness I have to fight/dealwith/carry on a 24/7 basis. Simply because I am a woman of color. Simply for BEING a woman, period.

*sigh*

Yet, I fight on. Why? Because love, will eventually win over hate. And, light WILL put out the darkness. It will. It will.

Still, it gets old.

Let’s be good to one another, beloveds. Even to the knuckleheads who don’t know better, who haven’t been raised better, who don’t care to get better. Especially, to them. They need a whole lotta love. They must be hurting, quite a bit, to be so hurtful.

Anywho, thought I would share a bit of me, a bit of care, a bit of time, a bit of love with ALL. No matter what you look like, no matter if you choose to dismiss my care because of what I look like. I love you. Still. STILL.

Say.

Live.

Love.

We got this.

Don’t let the darkness scare you. The darkness is terrified of me! It KNOWS I can scrap whether I am the kitty or the tiger.

I fight on.

We got this.

being about it,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

  1. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

  2. Anthony Nguyen's avatar

    That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…

  3. Domenico Valentino Covelli's avatar
  4. Tansy Gunnar's avatar
  5. Cassandra S.'s avatar

I could use a cup of coffee, mom.

I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Not literally. I feel like emotionally, I am all put of coffee, creamer and sugar. All I have, mom, is an empty coffee cup. Empty, waiting for someone, for Life, for God, for others(?), to bring round coffee fixings, to fill my cup. To fill ME, up, mom.

I’m not feeling empty. Just in need of a bit of pampering, I guess.

Last night, mom, I thought about my life. Thought about the words I try and put out into this big old thing called Earth. I thought of words, traveling countless miles, to and into, hopefully, hearts that I shall never meet. Hearts that shall never touch mine. Hearts that won’t fill this empty cup.

I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Til then, I shall do my utmost to fill the cup, of others.

Coffee anyone?

here,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

  1. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

  2. Anthony Nguyen's avatar

    That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…

  3. Domenico Valentino Covelli's avatar
  4. Tansy Gunnar's avatar
  5. Cassandra S.'s avatar

What will you do, life asked me?

What will you do, life asked me?

The day started, hard.

The middle, of the day, was hard.

The end of the day? No idea, the day just would NOT end.

Hard, became harder.

Harder, became impossible.

Impossible, became miserable.

What will you do, life asked me?

I wanted to tell work where work could shove work. I didn’t. I kept working.

I wanted to tell life where to get go, how to get there and who to take with it. I didn’t. I kept living.

I wanted to hide beneath my comforter cave and wait out all the hardness and madness. I didn’t. I went to the kitchen and made chili, instead.

I over cooked, the chili. I put too much sugar, in my coffee. I didn’t buy enough milk so ran out.

Yet, I remain:

Hopeful.

I made, my chili. Drank, my coffee. Did, my TRY.

Did I do these things well, today?

Honestly, not today. The point is, that I DID today. Best I could. ALL that is required.

When life asks you, beloveds, what YOU shall do, how shall you answer? I showed you mine, let me see your TRY.

here STILL,

Cassandra

  1. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

  2. Anthony Nguyen's avatar

    That reminder to stop trying to prove ourselves and just set down the weight of guilt is so deeply comforting.…

  3. Domenico Valentino Covelli's avatar
  4. Tansy Gunnar's avatar
  5. Cassandra S.'s avatar