Dear mom,
This letter has been a long time, coming. God and Life, have been asking me to write to you. So, I can move forward. Without you, in life. WITH you, in spirit.
I could not, mom. I was broken. After your death, broken into a million pieces. Am gathering, those broken pieces, my broken heart, still, mom.
Because of the love, of a friend, who has stayed silent, and allowed me, to fight to bring my broken heart, my broken pieces, to God, The Father, for healing, I can write, now.
I’m writing from Cherry, mom. I grieve that I was never able to give you a ride in her. I will never forget your look of pride when I told you about her:
Brand new, 41 miles, Cherry Red.
Took me almost 50 years to get the new car I had always dreamed, long to have.
You told me a million times to go for it. I didn’t. I was always, afraid. Afraid, I could not keep up with the payments. Afraid, it would get repossessed. Afraid I would lose my job and lose the car.
I realize, now, mom. How much of my life I lived afraid, while you were here.
I was always afraid to disappoint you. I never felt as if I were enough for you. Rather, felt like I was the ‘too much’ folk always seemed to put on me:
Too, loud.
Too, passionate.
Too, bold.
Too, old.
Too, fat.
Too, ugly.
I never really felt those things, myself. You hear things, enough, you begin to believe them? I think.
I don’t think so. Yet, mom, if I had NOT believed, those things, deep down, would I have made other choices:
With, my broken pieces?
With, my broken heart?
With, me?
I have no idea. Thankfully, mom, Easter is here. I took my anger, THAT anger, THAT moment, my broken pieces, and my broken heart to Jesus, to The Cross, for resurrection. For healing.
It is finished!
Upon a hill.
Upon a Cross.
Jesus, bore the weight, of ALL of me. Because of Him, I am now set free.
Am writing, from Cherry. The very last time I heard your voice, was within Cherry’s bosom. Sat behind her now precious wheel, and talked to you of everything, of nothing.
Your last words to me were, among them, “I love you”. I cherish THAT moment, with you, mom, sitting in Cherry.
I am proud of her. I worked hard to earn her. Bought her, with MY OWN MONEY!
She is bought, purchased, with mine own hands.
As my life, was bought, purchased, by Jesus Precious Blood.
Fitting, Cherry is red.🚗❤
Thanks, mom. For:
Loving, me.
Believing, in me.
Thanks, mom. For sacrificing:
Your dreams, in order that I may win mine.
Your hopes, in order for my hopes, to come true.
Your freedom, in order for me to live a life of freedom.
Your health, in order to keep me healthy and safe.
Your financial freedom, in order for me to find financial freedom.
You could have been selfish and left us kids to fend for ourselves. You did not. You welcomed us home EVERY time we had the need.
I am me, mom, in part because of you.
You gave your last. You scraped enough to feed others. Even when there was not much to go around. You found the way, to make due.
You did the very best you could, mom. Did your best to love my broken pieces, to love me.
I write no words of regrets, mom. For, either of us. You loved me, best you could, with your broken pieces.
I did my best, to love you with my broken pieces.
I am so thankful you are:
Whole!
Healed!
Free!
Continue to rest in peace, mom. I WILL see you, again.
I love you, mom. Your life mattered to me. Your life matters to me, still, always.
I miss you.
Tell Jesus hey for me. Hug dad for me and tell him I miss him.😥
Love God’s Daughter and yours,
Cassandra/JAYBIRD
#YourLifeMattersToMe
#Jaybirdmatters
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