When circumstances tap on the shoulder and punches you square in the face you are welcome to get holy hacked.
That said, you may NOT:
Quit.
Quit.
Quit.
You may fuss at God and Life. Feel free. Throw a tantrum. Have at it. Stomp your feet. Shake your fists.
Then, scratch, claw, cry, holler, wonder your way back and get to standing.
Stand not on YOUR:
Hurt, feelings.
Confused, feelings.
Betrayed, feelings.
Bewildered, feelings.
Feelings. Feelings. Feelings. FEELINGS!
Get the theme here?
We are NOT to stand on our feelings. Standing has ZERO to do with what you feel or don’t feel. Standing, could give two hoots, about what you want or don’t want. Need or don’t need.
Beloved, do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of standing only when you can see God, hear God or know what is going on. There will just be times when you can’t see, can’t trust what you feel, and have not the slightest idea of what is going on.
It’s so easy to walk away when you have tried everything and STILL, dammit, the damned mountain just won’t move already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is more maddening, is when you have done all that you know, the mountain won’t move and God and Life are so damned silent!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t yall see me over here doing the best I can do and nothing is giving way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????
I can admit to telling God and Life yesterday that I was either going to win, or I was going to lose. Just could not bear, or so I thought, yet another day of going around these same damned mountains. Only, more mountains are being added, the climbs are much steeper, there are more bandits and scary things on these mountains. These mountains never seem to have an end.
I wanted the end, dammit! Wanted off of here. I did NOT WANT to face another mountain, another day, with Jaybird forever yapping in my ear to keep going.
I was tired of the damned mountain. Exhausted from day 10 of this blasted fever. DAY TEN!!!! I was sick of being sick, tired of being tired. Dammit.
DAMMIT!!
So, I made the decision to stop standing….*sigh*…smh. Moron me, using being all up in my feelings, as an excuse. I called a friend. Told him I was fixing to do a whole bunch of drinking and was over it. Thank goodness for friends who will tell you the truth.
I got a nice lecture. A nice boot to the rear. I pouted. A lot. I drank. A fair bit. I cried. Not at all. Just too sick and tired for that. Put on a super hero movie and watched all night. Fussed at the screen. Super heroes were for dummies. Ordinarily, I would be the main one hooting and hollering and donning capes to get in the fight. Just sat glumly, fully engaged in my pity party, drinking not quite so much knowing I was going to get over my mad and go to the job I said I was going to quit come morning….smh…..
Que morning. Turned on my music, poured myself in some clothes, got some act right, sulked past a silently staring God and Life and got back to standing.
Moral of the story, you ask? Beats me, am too busy standing. Too busy living this life and not surviving it. Too busy being grateful for how horribly awful terrible exasperating maddening yesterday was. It gave me the opportunity to watch me give up on myself, ungive up on myself, give up, ungive up, stand, stop standing, stand again, and watch a half way decent super hero movie where the hero wins in the end.
How could I NOT be grateful?
Keep going. We got this. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Cassandra GRATEFUL
P.S. You are NOT alone. Have never felt more alone in my life than I did yesterday. I was not alone, yesterday. Not for one second. Tell yo feelings, ANY feelings, that gives you permission to quit to go kick some rocks!!
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