https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=YQdLnP5aJ8U&feature=share
Mom,
I hesitate to begin, as I know there will be an end, to this note. And in ending, I will have said goodbye. To you.
It’s time now, mom. Time for me to walk away:
From, your gravesite.
From, fear.
From, grief.
From feeling that I was not enough, would never BE enough, without you. Mom, I never ever felt as though I measured up. To, you. FOR, you. I blamed you, mom. In part for not being all I wanted to be.
I thought my efforts were not enough for you. I told myself that you were the one who put expectations and limits, upon my life. If I were to be honest, mom, wouldn’t I have to admit that I limited myself and assumed you agreed?
You never told me I couldn’t. Oftentimes, though, you were afraid for me so admonished me not to to too far out, in life. Because you desired my safety, you wanted me to stick close to shore.
Yet, I took your caution and made it my fear. I worked hard. I kept my head down. Never venturing to the outer edges of my daydreams.
Those daydreams have never left, mom. I still dream. I, long. Still.
To, do.
To, BE.
To, make you proud. Of:
Me.
My, efforts.
My, life.
You were my anchor, mom. You always have been. Everything, I have ever done was, in part, to make you proud. I thought you expected the best, from me. I expected the best, for myself. I have done my best, mom, to try to BE my best. At all times. At ALL times.
It has been exhausting! It is exhausting, still. Trying to live up to, or down to, or dispute EXPECTATION.
Expectation.
From:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
After a while, mom, you forget whose EXPECTATION you were trying to manage. And, ALL you have seemed to manage was disappointing everyone:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
I feel like I was a forever disappointment, mom.
To:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
I think that’s why I took your death so hard, mom. I had no more time. Time to make it, me, up to you, mom.
I HAD NO MORE TIME!
The day you were buried, mom, I turned my back. I walked away.
On:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
EXPECTATION became too much. It was too much!!
I ran away, mom. I ran.
From:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
I hid, mom. Hid behind my:
Job.
Ministry.
Laughter.
Smiles.
I gave up, mom. Slowly. Only, no one knew. But, me. And, God. And, Life. And, you. I put down, my pen, which was my sword, my shield, my friend, my hope, my deliverer, my comforter. I put down, the words, clamoring, to be free. I locked them away, mom. Afraid. Of, what they would SAY to me. I didn’t want to hear from them! What could they say?! You were gone. What was the use of them? After you left, mom, words became just that…words.
I walked away, mom, the day you died. Christmas morning. CHRISTMAS MORNING! You couldn’t have waited until AFTER Christmas to leave us, mom?! Dammit. Damn you…*sigh*.
Am no longer angry, mom, that God stole you away, on Christmas morning. How could I be mad? The gift Jesus desired the most, mom, was the chance to be with you, in person, on HIS Birthday. How could I begrudge Him that? I don’t blame Him. Not anymore.
I’m no longer angry, mom. I used to be. Soooooooooooooo angry. Blamed everyone, everything, for your passing. Blamed everyone, everything, for being stuck. In EXPECTATION. Trying to live up to, down to, fight against EXPECTATION.
Blamed the world. Wanted to tell the world to go fuck itself. The world, in turn just shrugged, dismissed me with a ‘Go fuck yourself’ and left me to my giving up, being angry, living up to, down to, disputing, fighting EXPECTATION.
God and Life, mom, wasn’t trying to hear it, wasn’t having it. They, were Relentless. They REFUSED, absolutely to give up on me. They, REFUSED, to allow me to give up, on me.
It took two full years, mom, of fighting with THEM, fighting with me, fighting with EXPECTATION, before I finally ALLOWED God and Life, to help me heal, to help me grow.
Yet, mom, it was IN and THROUGH, all the fighting, straining, striving, trying, losing, learning, crying, giving up, giving in, losing hope, gaining hope, losing perspective, gaining perspective, living afraid, learning to live, WITHOUT fear, that I was able to face and defeat:
Fear.
Fear!
FEAR!
You see, mom, God and Life, was there, when I FINALLY admitted the truth. The truth that many, many, many others are afraid to, or refuse to admit:
EVERY relationship, I ever had, basically, was built on fear. Fear that I, me, myself, built them on. The fear, I would not be seen. The fear, I would not be loved. The fear, I would never be enough, could never be enough, on my own, for this person, that situation, the other thing.
Fear.
Fear!
FEAR!!
I am thankful, mom. Grateful, mom, for the Relentless Love and Pursuit, of God and Life. Towards and FOR me. They helped me see, mom. Helped me KNOW, mom. Helped me experience, mom. Love! They gave me Love.
Love, without:
Conditions.
Stipulations.
Merit.
Strings.
Striving.
Work.
Earning.
They, cared not what I did, who I loved, why I loved, when I loved. ALL They gave me, was love. Their Love. Unconditionally. Unapologetically. They saw me, mom. Saw, ME. Got, me. At my worst. They loved me, still. They love me, STILL!
They Loved me and gave me the space, the time, to grow. So, I could get to this place. THIS place, mom. Where I can, finally, say goodbye. To, you. It has taken five long years, mom, to get to this place. Yet, I made it.
I stand here, unafraid, unapologetic, loved, loving, loving you, mom. Still. Always. I love you, mom. I thank you. For the life, you gave me. I thank you, mom, for the woman you have helped me to become. BECAUSE of you, I have found the strength to do what I must. Let you go. So, I can move forward. With you, still. Just in another way. You help God and Life, now, to guide my steps. I feel you near, mom. I think I see your smile.
Look at me, mom! I’m a big girl, now. Ready to face the world, ready to take on new challenges. Ready to….who am I kidding, mom? I am ready to do NONE of those things. I don’t know if I CAN do any of those things. Yet, because of you, I shall continue to try.
Be well, mom. Rest, in peace. I love you. I am ready to love, me. Fully, completely, honestly, apologetically. I have EXPECTATION, no more. I have released ALL from EXPECTATION:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
I can go now, mom. I can grow now, mom. Because of you.
I, do.
I, can.
I, will.
The tears I shed now, mom, are hopeful tears, happy tears, honest tears, free tears. Free, from fear. Free, from shame. Free, from guilt. Free, from pain. Free, from doubt. Free, from anger. Free, from expectation. For, I have done my best. I have given my best, mom, to:
You.
Me.
The world.
Family.
Friends.
Enemies.
Bosses.
Coworkers.
Preachers.
Ministers.
Society.
God.
Life.
I can live with that. I can LIVE.
I can grow now, mom. I can go now, mom. Because of you.
I, do.
I, can.
I, will.
I love you.
Goodbye, my friend.
Until I see your precious face again I remain steadfast, vigilant, free. I will see you, on the other side, mom.
your daughter,
Cassandra
Note: Beloveds, I pray for EVERY heart that has suffered a loss. Whether the loss be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a dream long held, the loss of a cherished job, the loss of a forever friendship, the loss of confidence, the loss of innocence, the loss hope, the loss of joy. Whatever the loss, beloved, know this:
God and Life are with you. You are NOT alone. There IS another side, beloveds. Another side, to grief. Another side, to despair. Another side, to hopelessness. Another side to ALL things that seem without light, without life. God and Life remain with you, through EVERY fear, through EVERY dark corner, through EVERY hard place. You CAN make it, beloveds, to the other side. You WILL make it, beloveds. You are not alone. I wait for you, on the other side. I pray for you, as you fight to, fight through, live til you, get to the other side.
Keep going. I go with you. God and Life, goes with us all. How much safer/loved can we be?
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
- IT ME!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 