Month: January 2022

Too much in me: I told myself.

I’m done!

That’s what, I told myself. Secretly, where no one else could hear. Or see. Only one problem, though:

There is just too much TRY, in me.

Dammit!

It appears, I have been about being about, just a bit too long.

It appears, my keeping on has been keeping on, just a bit too long.

It appears, my Say, wants to have it’s say.

It appears, my Live, just wants to live.

It appears, my Love, just wants to Love.

Fresh hell!

I told myself, nobody gives two damns, anyway.

Myself, told me, I give two damns. Three, even.

I told myself, here you sit, here you wait, for dreams still yet unfulfilled. You have waited, appears to have wasted, years, decades, to see the unseen, to live out the unlived. Why wait, why waste another moment?

Myself, told me, having waited, a decade, two, yet three. What’s another moment, to give to them, to give to me?

There is just too much TRY, in me.

I told myself, here you are, arms outstretched, empty, unheeded, unneeded they have all these years have been. Why keep reaching, trying, fighting for a world who cares not for you or what you have done or shall ever do?

Myself, told me, be patient, keep trying, this life is not all about you, it’s about them, too, keep being about it, one day you may be needed, heeded, fought for, too.

Keep going. Keep trying. You ARE needed. There is too much TRY for you not to.

Fresh hell.

Dammit.

I will.

That’s what I just told myself.

Ah, there is just too much TRY, in me.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t allow yourself to talk you out of being about it. Life is simply too short. Best be being about it…

Digging through it.

Went to bed, with a mountain of grief and who gives a damn waiting for me.

Woke up, and the mountain of grief and who gives a damn was there. Wow, this thing is huge, I thought to myself.

I had no get up and go. Not sure where it had went. Probably was there, buried beneath the mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

I tried to sleep the mountain away. Yet, there it stood. Appeared not to be in any hurry to get anywhere.

I needed to get through my daily cup. I thought I saw it, buried too, beneath grief and who gives a damn.

With too much TRY in me not to try, I began digging through a mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

It took a while, half the day, truth be told. Yet, finally, FINALLY, I found a shiny object. My cup! I filled it with French Vanilla coffee and continued digging beneath that awfully awful intimidating mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

Hours later, I made another discovey: Music! Gingerly scraping away sadness and silence, I turned up the music and allowed it’s soothing tunes to clear away pebbles, stones, then boulders of grief and who gives a damn.

Digging further, I found a priceless treasure: My bible! I held it close. I wrapped myself, within it’s words and kept digging.

I dug, until my hands bled. Felt fitting, as my heart bled just as much. I dug, until I made my way to a nondescript door. I opened the door and found a truly awesome sight:

My heart, tucked gently within the heart of the two moms. With, God and Life, sitting there. Silently, watching over my heart, over me.

Content, I joined them. Am here with them, still.

Still.

Silent.

Silent and still, next to this mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

It’s okay. I shall keep digging through it…

Tomorrow.

As for today? Who gives a damn? I am grieving. Let me…

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

It’s just a little bit of the hard.

Too often, when things happen, we find it expedient to ascribe/assign meanings, messages and motives. No matter that we can be wrong. Doesn’t matter. ALL that matters, at the time, is slotting a meaning, a reason, into the happening.

Doesn’t really matter, to us, that life may simply being, well, life. We rush in, to the matter, demanding to know what’s the matter, trying to figure out this, to blame that. Til, shattered, we are done, with the matter.

Turns out, it was just a little bit of the hard. Not a lot. Just enough for life to let us know it was there.

Did the bottom, fall out of the thing, beloved? It’s okay. You were just getting a taste, just a little bit of the hard. Your journey was not halted, just altered. Sometimes, life alters things to get us to the alter, to get us to alter our manner of thinking, of doing, of seeing the matter.

Did the matter, turn into a disaster, beloved? No matter. Doesn’t matter, rather. You just got to see just a little bit of the hard. Hardness, sent to harden, your resolve. Harden not, your heart, to this little bit of hard.

Did you wake to a world that no longer makes sense, beloved? Nevertheless and however, your forever, your endeavors, your howevers are ALL covered, as are you, as you experience this little bit of the hard.

What appears to be the end, YOUR end, is just your making your way through this little bit of hard. Harden, not. Harbor, not, resentment, dissension or any of that lot.

Rather, gather your TRY and push through. Through, this little bit of the hard. Til you make your way. To the new, new you, new life, new light, new things, new way of thinking, new way of being.

Don’t be dismayed, discouraged or swayed, beloved. Think it not strange. You are just making yourself through this little bit of the hard.

Hard, at times, to understand. This true. Harder still, at times, to do. It’s okay. You just going through a little bit of the hard.

You have already done the hardest part, don’t you know? You tried. All that’s required of you. Don’t make the hard, harder, by trying to do more than you are able. Just do your TRY and your try will defeat the hard.

The next time, beloved, you want to throw up your hands, in defeat. Throw up your hands, in thanksgiving, in victory instead. Then, remind yourself…

It’s just a little bit of the hard.

Keep going, beloveds.

going/growing with you,

Jaybird

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Tell it no.

When, tough time comes for you…

Tell it no.

When, defeat wants all of you…

Tell it no.

When, hard days, hard times reaches for the best of you…

Tell it no.

When, rain wants to wash away all your efforts and seeds…

Tell it no.

When, lies come to visit and pretend to be a friend…

Tell it no.

When, anger wants to take over…

Tell it no.

When, darkness wants to descend and quash the light within…

Tell it no.

Can we?

Yes.

Will we?

Yes.

Must we?

Yes.

When, anything comes that asks you to give up on you, on your dreams, on your TRY, on God, on Life, on love, on your present, on your future…

Tell it no.

Hell no!!

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Defeat came for me, today.

Defeat, came for me, today. Thought it was slick, it did. Wrapped itself, within my grief, it did. Hid there, it did. Waited, it did. Patiently. For ANY sign I would listen to it.

Made my way, through Saturday’s tears, I did. Battled the night, I did. Watched the night take it’s hard earned spoils, I did.

Greeted, the dawn, I did. Huddled beneath mountains of disbelief and can you believe this shit, I did.

Stared at Defeat, did I. Considered it, did I. Life, would be, could be, so much easier if I would, if I could, if I did, just give in, already, and leave folk, leave myself, to hide beneath comfort and covers.

I could go back, to working myself to death. I could go back, to existing. I could go back, to just taking up space. I could go back…

Go, back?

Consider, Defeat?

Ha!

Apparently, Defeat, you have not heard of me. You had better ask somebody!

Kick rocks, Defeat. Go! You are not welcome here.

My heart, will mend.

I shall begin, again, again, and again.

When?

I know not.

This, one thing, I know:

I know nothing, these days. I understand very little, these days.

No matter.

Whatever.

My heart shall continue to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Will just take some time to catch my breath. Til then, I shall hide within covers and comfort. PBJ and tears have been my fare. No, life has not been fair and has taken it’s share. Those shares never belonged to me. Not really. Take what you will. Do as You Will. As You do, I will…

Defeat, c sswame for me, today. I was not there…

Cassandra

Ha!

Ha!

Defeat, I laugh at you.

Ha!

Fear, I scoff at you.

Ha!

Discouragement, I ain’t go NOOOOOO time for you!

Be gone!

Kick rocks!!

I CHOOSE to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Nevertheless…

However…

No matter…

We got this, beloveds.

Keep going. Find some good in your day. No matter how hard. Keep going. Crawl, if you have to. Swear the whole damn way. Just keep going.

going STILL,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Be good to you.

Be good to you, beloveds.

No matter what. Be GOOD to you.

Don’t allow a loss to cause you to lose.

Don’t allow a loss to allow you to give in, to give up.

Be good to you, beloveds.

Yes, losses are hard. Yes, they hurt. Yes, losses make you want to tell God, Life and folks to kick all manner of rocks already.

We also gain, through loss. Perspective, perhaps. Life experiences, certainly. Grey hairs, inevitably.

Yet, if we allow, we can also gain a deeper appreciation of all that we STILL have.

In the meantime, grieve the loss. Leave the loss, and move on. Will ALWAYS have the love. Just have to learn to love them another way.

I pray that EVERY heart has an LED light and a pot of virtual chili waiting.🥰

This will be a good year, a great one. How do I know? Cuz you got me in yo life. How great is that?! 😁🙃🤗

Be encouraged. Rest. Be good to you.

being good to me,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

‘Nuff said.

Egads!

What a week. Tried to think of something uplifting to share. All I care to do, at the moment, is to tell the world to…

🤬

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Go left…

Life will do what it do. Do you. Dance. Live. Keep going.

I go with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

In the meantime: Marvel movies and PBJ.

Christmas week is awfully tough for those who have lost loved ones, are single, and those who feel ‘old’. Being as I was all three, at once, you can imagine my life being filled with joyous yipppees and days. NOT!

Short Cassandra rant here:

Must EVERY kiss begin with Kay? Really?! Can Kay not be a bit more discreet and feel more compassion to those who don’t have a prince, princess or…hmm. Not sure what other nouns or pronouns to use here. Apologies.

Must Hallmark elicit tears for EVERY commercial? Does a mother/daughter tandem HAVE to be baking cookies?!

Why did/does sports HAVE to give in and betray us old, missing folk, single selves and show postcards of players and their moms, significant others on between every other blasted play?! Traitors!! Sell outs!!

Rant over. Christmas ended. New Year’s Eve came and dropped off fresh hell. I dropped everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. ALL I did, Christmas week, was eat PBJ sandwiches and watch Marvel Movies. ALL week. I don’t know why peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are so comforting. With strawberry jam, carefully spread amongst accommodating creamy peanut butter. NO chunky! Chunky makes the bread, well, chunky.

I went through two loaves of bread. TWO! Half a jar of strawberry jam, carefully spread amongst accommodating creamy peanut butter. Had to keep going, you see. Had to make my way, in the meantime, through Christmas week. I had to, get through Christmas, so I could make it through Christmas and beyond.

Who knew that beyond Christmas, would come New Year’s Eve. Fresh hell!?

The hardest bit of walking, it seems, is in the ‘in the meantime’ of life. At least, it has been for me these last years. Yet, we must keep on going. We must. Life is short. Too short, yet long enough to make a difference, to BE a difference, to be THE difference.

In the meantime, try, just a little.

In the meantime, turn on a light. Just one. You don’t have to light the whole forest.

In the meantime, rest, if you need to.

In the meantime, cry, if you need to.

In the meantime, tell whatever or whomever, to go on head and kick rocks, if you need to.

In the meantime, remember, you are loved. No matter what it feels like.

In the meantime, know, you still got this. No matter what it seems like.

In the meantime, believe, you can do this. No matter what it looks like.

In the meantime:

Do.

Be.

Say.

Live.

Love.

We are NOT our pain. We are NOT the tough things that happen to us. We are. Just that. We just are.

Instead of waiting for life to happen to and for you, get to happening to some life! Let life know you be a bad mama jamma and be about being about it. No matter what. No matter why. No matter who.

Quit is no longer in our handbook. Never again, beloveds. Never again. We don’t have time for the quit. Only for the TRY.

TRYing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe