Month: January 2022

Mission Statement: Have another cup.

So, I began this post, this thought, on Dec. 30th. I was all set to wax eloquent on my yearly mission statement. I am not much for resolutions. I do my utmost to do the best I can ever day. Not just two hard tries on the first couple days of the year. Only, to give up, in a glorious heap of who cares and I will try again next year.

The year had been so challenging, I decided to adopt my statement, early, and continue it through 2022 and beyond. When work, life, or the like was especially working my LAST nerves, I called my big bro. All he would do is laugh and tell me to just have another cup of coffee, have a nice snack or treat. His advice saved me all kinds of worry, anxt and what the hells. I imagine I also saved a bit of HIS last nerves.

I adopted my motto and happily slurped down another cup when life was acting ten kinds of fools. Ah!

I was doing fine, just dandy. Right up until Christmas week rolled up and smacked me upside my head. Drove me straight to my bed, for comfort. Managed to peel away the covers, the missing mom so much it was hard to breathe and get back to breathing, to living. Slurping my extra cup, laughing at the toughness, at the hardness, at life which was, well, being life.

That is, until Dec. 31st came delivering such an AWFUL, hard, unbelievable STILL text:

“Are you busy?”

Three words which diluted my cup with all manner of bitter, hard, disbelief, shock, grief and ALL it’s friends. Yep, those words came, dropped off it’s message/package and left ME to deal with the aftermath.

So, here I sit, on Friday morning, wondering what to DO with this cup. I can’t ignore it. Okay, I can but the only thing that will happen is it will be there. Waiting. And, tomorrow’s cup, will have joined today’s. And, so on and so on. Crap!

Angrily, I swiped up my cup, took a huge swallow and prepared for a whole lot of bitter to engulf the day. Instead, I found, the warmth of an LED light left on for me. I found, a text from a friend just checking to ‘see how I was’. Instead, I found, the comforting words of a wombie I wouldn’t trade for all the world. Instead, I found God and Life sharing the bitter of my cup. They took turns, handing my cup, back and forth, between them. As They drank, They gazed lovingly into my eyes. Silently, we shared my cup.

God: Have another cup, beloved?

Me: Don’t You have others to care for?

God: Of course. I am with them, as I am here, with you. Have another cup with me?

Me: I will.

Life: Shall we have French Vanilla?

Me: Can we?

Life: You can have whatever flavor you desire when you have another cup. No matter what happens, you can ALWAYS enjoy another cup. You can take a breath, take a break. You can, make another choice, revisit a situation. You can, choose to, strive towards, make your way to, another beginning. You can, begin a hundred times if the times call for a hundred.

Her: Okay, really, Cassandra?

Me: I know. You KNOW me. I miss you. I love you. I don’t know how if I will be able to face tomorrow, let alone my cup,, then.

Her: Turn on a light. Just one. Do it, for me. Do it, for those left behind.

Me: I will try. I make no apologies if I fall. Tell the two moms I have need of them.

Her: They are already with you.

Today, I had planned to hide, beneath a mountain of covers and tears. Instead, I found a light on, a text, a quiet word, a hope, to keep going. Someone, somewhere needs to know that things WILL be alright.

Even, through the hard. Even, through the sad. Even, through the lonely. Seems like 2022 has already acted a fool for many. I am learning, though, with each hard thing, to have another cup. I am learning, though, to leave the storm OUTSIDE, where it belongs. I no longer allow the storm to upset my INSIDE. My inside is settled, stablished, hopeful, joyful, steadfast. Just have to dig through this current hard, this current sad, this current grief to get to the joy.

Hmm…..*Cassandra looks down and notice she is wearing her big girl granny panties*….*smile*.

Time we all understand life just doesn’t seem to play fair. Seems to have it’s favorites and appears, at times, we are not one of them, eh?

To every heavy heart, I say, be encouraged. To every discouraged soul, I say, hang in there. To every person in need, I say, keep asking for what you need. In the meantime, be what someone else needs. Be, a friend. Be, a shoulder. Be, a buffer. Be, a comedienne. Be, a drill sergeant. Be, a way maker. Be, a truth teller. Be, a brother. Be, a sister.

being with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

A needed laugh.

This made me laugh.

I needed a laugh.

Saturday’s coming.

She, leaving for home, for always.

Rest in peace, my friend. I took the day off, the whole of it. To drink coffee, to turn on two lights, to have a wee bit of coffee, to hide in my fortress of covers and comfort.

I found a laugh, today. Who knew life could still go on? It goes on, still. I go on, with it. Tore up, from the floor up. Upside down, yet hanging on. Just, barely. How? Beats me.

God, Life, and the two moms sit with me in companionable silence. They comfort me. I look at myself in my kiddie panties, with the purple pansies, and smile. Am a tough cookie, I lie to myself.

Yet, I am living life, still. Feels good. Even these tough moments. Yea, I be aite.

Keep going, beloveds. We got this. Enjoy each moment. Make some new ones. Love someone. Start with you. I love me enough to do some self-care and taking the day just to let my heart miss one who is now missing.

Don’t fall for the dumbness that only through hard work can you earn your place and space in this world. Take the time to rest, when and as needed. Take the time to do you, when and as needed. Take the time to be, always and as needed.

Never, ever, ever, ever allow ANYTHING to steal your joy. It’s there. Still. Just may be buried, for a time, beneath tears, heartache, heartbreak and all manner of things. Be sure, beloveds, to dig it out. May take a bit of time but can’t leave your joy buried.

Life is good, even when it hurts.

If someone can spare a bit of space, in a pocket, I could use a ride. My feet hurt. My heart is tired and dreading Saturday.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Keep going.

Chili, made.

Tears, shed.

‘Nuff said.

Keep going, beloveds.

going in baby panties but going STILL,

Cassandra

Egads, this has been such a tough week. It’s ok to want to tell the world where to take itself. Just can’t give up or give in. Life is short. Love as many folk as you can for as long as you can while you can.

F#%@ this mountain.

Fuck this mountain!😢

You should be here, still, beloved.

Dammit.

You: Ok, really, Ms. Cassandra?

Me: I know.

Miss you, my friend. Can’t believe you will be laid to rest on Saturday. Fresh hell.

Keep going, all. We got this. Even the hard shit. I am not much of a cuss person. I have been wanting to cuss out the entire world for having the NERVE of continuing on. Shit.

Keep going…crap.🤬

Cassandra

Chili at midnight: For those of us left behind.

What a tough weekend. What an AWFUL way to begin 2022. That’s what I thought, yesterday.

That’s what I STILL feel, today. Yet, it’s almost midnight and I find myself doing the weekend chores I was too through to contemplate doing. But, I kept hearing some ANNOYING person carrying on about making chili and being about it.

I found myself, up and at ’em, well after 10, vacuuming, preparing my office so as to be able to hit the ground running.

Here shortly, I am fixing to take out fixings and make me some chili at midnight. Why? For one, I can imagine my friend, in heaven now, tsktsking about me making chili, at midnight no less. I can hear her, already, fussing/laughing at me making chili, at midnight.

“Really, Ms. Cassandra?!”. Her favorite line, towards me. I would shrug and say “You already KNOW that’s how I roll. Don’t judge me”. We would both laugh. I would hug her. I would roll my eyes at her wearing my favorite green sweater. She was forever cold but forever forgetting to bring a sweater.

I think of her, now, wrapped in my green sweater, gossiping to the two moms. She is telling ALL my secrets. Hey! You know, beloved, what they say about snitches!? She liked to say that also. Ah, beloved, rest in peace, my friend. I got this. You did yours. We shall take care of those left behind.

Beloved, I shall endeavor/promise/try to, well, endeavor and TRY. I shall, give all that I have. I shall use all my cup holds. I shall give away as much of me as I have, as much as folks will accept, receive and stand.

For those of us, left behind, beloved, pray for us. Look out, for us, from above. There, way up there, in heaven. Dance, for us. Rejoice, for us. For, those of us, left behind. For those, who have forgotten how to dance. For those, too heart-broken to dance.

Laugh, for those of us left behind. Toss down some rainbows. Rainbows, God and Life’s Reminders, life doea and will go on. Reminders, the sun does and will keep shining.

I promise, I will…try. Even though, a part of me, feel as though I died a bit, too. The bit of me that only belonged with you. Look out, for that part of me. Give it back, when I see you, again.

Until then, I shall make some chili and keep being about it. Even when it’s the very LAST thing I want to do.

God and Life, please look after those of us, left behind, after a loss. Help us to know we are not lost. We are just lost in feelings, of loss. This too, shall pass. Give us grace as we graciously accept our daily cup. Flavor our drink with honey, comfort, peace, long-suffering, and, yes, joy and laughter to help us get through these tough moments. Help us, to embrace these moments, to continue to LIVE, love and grow in these moments. Help us to keep going even when we have no idea or have forgotten why we was being about it in the first place. We shall be ever grateful. Amen.

Life is shorter than you know, beloveds. Best be about being about it.

being about it with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

007: Shaken, not stirred.

All day, all weekend, I have been wandering, wondering, whatthehelling. With on text, the year was turned on it’s head. Leaving me with questions I have been just too tired to answer:

Does the things that happen to us shake us, shake our faith, shake our perceptions, shake us out of a place we were destined to be shaken out of?

Once shaken, do we REMAIN shaken? Do we become fearful that other losses, other shakings, other takings are coming to get what we have, are coming to challenge what we know?

Do we give in, to the shakings, to the takings? Do we accept them, with a smile or fight to get back to the comfort, the comfortable feeling we had before we did an Elvis and was all ‘shook up’?

I thought getting beyond Christmas was the least of my worries. Who the hell knew that New Year’s Eve news would be just as awful as Christmas? Now, a tandem holiday period to maneuver and suck up and live through and grow beyond and…fresh hell. Crap.

Yet, the ONE thing I KNOW of a surety is this:

I am not alone.

I can get beyond this. Perhaps, not today. Maybe, not tomorrow. Or, the day after that. It’s a good thing that God and Life only gives us one daily cup of life. We were never meant to cram days and days worth of TRY in our cup.

So, fought, today. Fought, in my little girl’s panties with the purple daisies. Fought, my way out of my fortress of covers and comfort. Fought, whilst filling the dishwasher. Fought, while eating virtual chili with a friend and the two moms. Fought, while telling God and Life that I did not feel safe after suffering such a tough loss. Fought, while binge-watching Picard and yelling at Romulons. Fought, through tears remembering one whose voice I shall never hear say my name in such uproarious exasperation(I so enjoyed getting on her last nerves only to hear her sign/say “Ms.Cassandra!).

I have fought, in the meantime. Fighting, to get to…fresh hell. I have NO idea what I am pressing to. You would have to ask God and Life that one.

All I know is this:

I have been shaken, yet not stirred. I am NOT, deterred. I am not, broken. Broken-hearted. Yes. Broken. No. Life is much too short. Yet, long enough to make a difference.

I see folks posting about this resolution and that one. Losing weight. Giving up cigarettes. Yada. Yada. The easy, low hanging fruit folks use and do for a good day or two. Then, many/most go back to their hiding, pretending, feeding elephant ways…*sigh*.

As for me and my house, I shall continue to make the chili, take out the trash, try the TRY, carry lonely/hurting/tired hearts around in my pocket and hanging out with a Scot and the two moms.

No resolution. Just resolute. Determined to keep on keeping on, being about it and loving whosoever will.

What about you? What you doing with your daily cup? Stop wasting it! Get out of your feelings and do the thing.

Say.

Live.

Love.

fighting still though wondering if I shall ever win,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

My cup: It’s ok to not be ok.

I don’t really know why but when awfulness rears it’s ugly head, folk tend to want to hide behind it’salrightness. That would be alright, if only things WERE ok, if they were alright.

What do you DO, then, with a world, with a cup, turned suddenly, irrevocably, unreconcilably on it’s head? How can you, now, drink from a cup full of bitter, full of tears, full of memories, full of things too hard to think about, let alone, swallow, live through and share?

I asked myself these things as I prepared to swallow the first tastes of the day. The flavor was quite bitter. My tears mixed with the sadness of unbearable loss. Perhaps, I could spare others this bitter after-taste, I told myself.

Rushing to my laptop, I fired it up. The blank page only stared at me. The silence joined the blank page and both said it was ok to not be ok and I should take some time. For, me. To, grieve. Silence said she would hang out with me. As long as I needed.

I was afraid to accept Silence’s offer. I wanted Distraction to come visit. Only, I promised me, long ago, to never use Distraction to hide. From, me. From, Life. From, a cup that would or could bear some awfully bitter and challenging things.

So, I welcomed Silence to join me in my fortress of covers and comfort. Silence is here with me, even now, as I look upon my cup. As I summon the strength to keep it moving. Alas, the day has been much too heavy for this heart to bear. ALL I managed to do was to turn on a light. One light.

I made a cup of coffee. Drank it. It appears the last of my courage disappeared with the last taste of French Vanilla. A moment’s satisfaction replaced with an eternity called the rest of the day.

Silence: You have done enough. It’s ok to not be ok.

Me: I promised myself, I promised God, I promised Life that I would TRY. Nevertheless, however. You know. Standing. Living and all that.

Silence: Tell the world to kick rocks, today. You don’t have to save the world. Not, today. Maybe, even, not tomorrow. Stay here. With me. Until you no longer need me.

Me: I don’t know what to do with you. I have no idea what to say to you, what to say to others, what to say to me.

Silence: Then do as I do. Say nothing.

Me:…*Cassandra is at a loss of words. She is at a loss. She feels lost*…*Cassandra does as Silence does and remains silent*.

silent still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

P.S. Normally, I would insert inspiration, clever, a yippeee or two or three, here. I would expound on the need to move forward, to look upward, to strain toward dreams and goals and Hope’s etc. Not today. There are just times when life kicks you full in the chops. It’s ok to find oneself in a big heap of what in the fresh hell was that?! I find myself there. I give myself permission to stay there. For a bit. With Silence. How long will we be here in this what in the fresh hell place? Ask me tomorrow. I used up all my TRY on a cup of coffee with one light on.🤷‍♀️

Real talk: If you can’t make the chili, take out the trash.

“Are you busy?”

PSA: Avoid, at all costs, text and phone calls that start with these words. Once, opened. Once, answered, in the affirmative, life inveretably, is never the same.

Like a dummy, I answered, said text. Answered, subsequent phone call and another impossible hole was carved in my heart.

Another precious soul I would never have another moment with.

IMPOSSIBLE!

PREPOSTEROUS!

Cruel.

Like every beaboutingest, we have to keep it goingest, allthingswillworkoutest, I did what was necessary…

I made an arsenal of pbj sandwiches, donned my armor of little girl panties(with the purple pansies),dived in my bunker of covers and food comfort, and hid from the whole damned world.

Defiantly, I turned out the lights. ALL of them!

Kick rocks, lights! Kick rocks, Life! You took a precious light, today. You have had your fun. Go away, now. Leave me be.

That was yesterday. An impossible day. It appears impossible has now bled into today. THIS day.

God and Life both asked me what I was going to do with this day. They had come to deliver my cup, you see. We get a cup of life, every day. Doesn’t matter what happened the day before. Another cup arrives, if we are blessed.

I looked, at my cup. I thought of the cup my lost light, would never again receive.

Dammit! I wanted to yell at God and Life that they should have given her mine. I am an old useless never going to have my damned dreams come true anyway lady. She, young, vibrant, hopeful, beloved…dammit!!😢

God and Life reminded me life just doesn’t work that way. Her journey has been completed. She is now home. I am still here.

God and Life again asked what I would do with my cup, with my day. I refused to answer, at first.

Yet, not answering was an answer all to itself. I did not want nonaction speaking for me. I stared, suspiciously, thoughtfully, tiredly at that damned cup. Crap! I didn’t know how many cups I had left. Best not to waste this one.

I found it impossible to leave my fortress of covers and comfort…

God: Make some chili.

Me: I can’t. Not, today. Not, yet.

Life: Do something else, then. Doesn’t matter what. Just DO one thing. Starting with turning on a light. Just one.

I thought a while. Made a decision. I did what every beaboutingest, we have to keep it goingest, allthingswillworkoutest, I did what was necessary…

I turned on a light, donned my armor of big girl panties(granny panties, of course), bagged up the trash, and commenced living in a…I don’t know what hell kind of world that keeps kicking the holy crapola out of us all yet still a good kind of world.

I would love to end this piece with inspiring words of triumph. I have none. Not, today. Yesterday, I did the dumb thing of opening a ridiculous text.

Real talk: As soon as this post be done, I am heading back to my fortress of covers and comfort. Will I rise, tomorrow, and use my cup? Ask me tomorrow. I got pbj and pjs waiting on me the rest of this day…

Keep going.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe