All day, all weekend, I have been wandering, wondering, whatthehelling. With on text, the year was turned on it’s head. Leaving me with questions I have been just too tired to answer:
Does the things that happen to us shake us, shake our faith, shake our perceptions, shake us out of a place we were destined to be shaken out of?
Once shaken, do we REMAIN shaken? Do we become fearful that other losses, other shakings, other takings are coming to get what we have, are coming to challenge what we know?
Do we give in, to the shakings, to the takings? Do we accept them, with a smile or fight to get back to the comfort, the comfortable feeling we had before we did an Elvis and was all ‘shook up’?
I thought getting beyond Christmas was the least of my worries. Who the hell knew that New Year’s Eve news would be just as awful as Christmas? Now, a tandem holiday period to maneuver and suck up and live through and grow beyond and…fresh hell. Crap.
Yet, the ONE thing I KNOW of a surety is this:
I am not alone.
I can get beyond this. Perhaps, not today. Maybe, not tomorrow. Or, the day after that. It’s a good thing that God and Life only gives us one daily cup of life. We were never meant to cram days and days worth of TRY in our cup.
So, fought, today. Fought, in my little girl’s panties with the purple daisies. Fought, my way out of my fortress of covers and comfort. Fought, whilst filling the dishwasher. Fought, while eating virtual chili with a friend and the two moms. Fought, while telling God and Life that I did not feel safe after suffering such a tough loss. Fought, while binge-watching Picard and yelling at Romulons. Fought, through tears remembering one whose voice I shall never hear say my name in such uproarious exasperation(I so enjoyed getting on her last nerves only to hear her sign/say “Ms.Cassandra!).
I have fought, in the meantime. Fighting, to get to…fresh hell. I have NO idea what I am pressing to. You would have to ask God and Life that one.
All I know is this:
I have been shaken, yet not stirred. I am NOT, deterred. I am not, broken. Broken-hearted. Yes. Broken. No. Life is much too short. Yet, long enough to make a difference.
I see folks posting about this resolution and that one. Losing weight. Giving up cigarettes. Yada. Yada. The easy, low hanging fruit folks use and do for a good day or two. Then, many/most go back to their hiding, pretending, feeding elephant ways…*sigh*.
As for me and my house, I shall continue to make the chili, take out the trash, try the TRY, carry lonely/hurting/tired hearts around in my pocket and hanging out with a Scot and the two moms.
No resolution. Just resolute. Determined to keep on keeping on, being about it and loving whosoever will.
What about you? What you doing with your daily cup? Stop wasting it! Get out of your feelings and do the thing.
Say.
Live.
Love.
fighting still though wondering if I shall ever win,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 