My cup: It’s ok to not be ok.

I don’t really know why but when awfulness rears it’s ugly head, folk tend to want to hide behind it’salrightness. That would be alright, if only things WERE ok, if they were alright.

What do you DO, then, with a world, with a cup, turned suddenly, irrevocably, unreconcilably on it’s head? How can you, now, drink from a cup full of bitter, full of tears, full of memories, full of things too hard to think about, let alone, swallow, live through and share?

I asked myself these things as I prepared to swallow the first tastes of the day. The flavor was quite bitter. My tears mixed with the sadness of unbearable loss. Perhaps, I could spare others this bitter after-taste, I told myself.

Rushing to my laptop, I fired it up. The blank page only stared at me. The silence joined the blank page and both said it was ok to not be ok and I should take some time. For, me. To, grieve. Silence said she would hang out with me. As long as I needed.

I was afraid to accept Silence’s offer. I wanted Distraction to come visit. Only, I promised me, long ago, to never use Distraction to hide. From, me. From, Life. From, a cup that would or could bear some awfully bitter and challenging things.

So, I welcomed Silence to join me in my fortress of covers and comfort. Silence is here with me, even now, as I look upon my cup. As I summon the strength to keep it moving. Alas, the day has been much too heavy for this heart to bear. ALL I managed to do was to turn on a light. One light.

I made a cup of coffee. Drank it. It appears the last of my courage disappeared with the last taste of French Vanilla. A moment’s satisfaction replaced with an eternity called the rest of the day.

Silence: You have done enough. It’s ok to not be ok.

Me: I promised myself, I promised God, I promised Life that I would TRY. Nevertheless, however. You know. Standing. Living and all that.

Silence: Tell the world to kick rocks, today. You don’t have to save the world. Not, today. Maybe, even, not tomorrow. Stay here. With me. Until you no longer need me.

Me: I don’t know what to do with you. I have no idea what to say to you, what to say to others, what to say to me.

Silence: Then do as I do. Say nothing.

Me:…*Cassandra is at a loss of words. She is at a loss. She feels lost*…*Cassandra does as Silence does and remains silent*.

silent still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

P.S. Normally, I would insert inspiration, clever, a yippeee or two or three, here. I would expound on the need to move forward, to look upward, to strain toward dreams and goals and Hope’s etc. Not today. There are just times when life kicks you full in the chops. It’s ok to find oneself in a big heap of what in the fresh hell was that?! I find myself there. I give myself permission to stay there. For a bit. With Silence. How long will we be here in this what in the fresh hell place? Ask me tomorrow. I used up all my TRY on a cup of coffee with one light on.🤷‍♀️

• THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
• COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️‍🩹
• BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
• Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
• Still In Love