I am afraid.
Truth.
Real talk.
My heart, it appears, is all set and ready to take a huge leap of faith…
For more than 20 years, I have been wanting to take a block of time. Just for me. Just to write, yak with God, sit by the ocean and see what we see. More than 20, truth be told.
I have worked hard, long hours, for others. The need, the yearning, just to be, alone, with my thoughts, my keyboard, the ocean, God, and myself has never left or waned.
The more I just keep my head down and work, for others, the more this dream keeps rearing it’s head. In fact, since my friend passed, it has grown louder, more persistent. Egads.
Yet, I bat it away, if I am to be totally honest, just as I have been for the past couple of decades. Here is the same rinse/repeat argument:
Me: Let’s take that time off. Just to write. Just to breathe. Just to see. I want to see. I want to try. If I fail, if I flop, so what? I just want to see.
Me: I can’t afford to, now. Bills to pay. I can’t lose my spot. I can’t give up my seniority. I have to save enough money. Things are just too tight.
Me: You ALWAYS say that! Yet, you have helped the whole damned world. You come out the pocket, for this one and that one. For this for him. For that for her. Yes, all that is nice and well and good. Why will you spend on them but not you.
Me: Because….hhhmm….will keep praying for God/Life to send some funds somewhere, somehow or let me know how to get them myself.
Me: Okay, that’s fine. We don’t have to have a whole year, dammit. What about two months? I would even settle for one?!
Me: I just don’t see how we can. Things are tight.
Me: Things will ALWAYS be tight!
Me: True that…hmm….
I find myself trying to squeeze some pennies, squeeze some days from somewhere so I can take a chance on ME. For once. Just one time. Dive in. Truly. To see what I can see.
Yikes!
Egads!
Me: I’m afraid, God. Afraid, I may fail. What’s worse, I am afraid to fail You.
God: Are you willing to try, beloved?
Me: I…I…
*Cassandra peers, over the side, through her fingers. Sure looks like a long fall. Cassandra wonders if she will fall, flat on her face. She wonders if she will make it. She wonders what her life will look like if she bets on herself. What if she loses?!*
To be continued….yikes….
terrified but hungry,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
- IT ME!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 