Saying the hard parts out loud: It ain’t easy being Clark Kent.

I am a bit angry.

With YOU.

Yea, you, beloveds.

ALL of you.

Why?

If I have to tell you, beloveds, I would HAVE to remove my cape, the one I promised never to don again.

Yet, I find myself wrapped up, trying to warm myself beneath this Superwoman cape.

Crap.

Fresh hell!

Capes don’t work. Not really. And, not for long.

Capes make us hide.

From, life.

From, our true feelings.

From, hell, from any and everything that ever can and ever has caused us hurt.

I hurt.

See!

I admit it.

Fresh hell!!!

*Cassandra rips off her cape, snatches her Clark Kent glasses off the side table, thrust them on and prepares to be human again*

Fresh hell.

*sigh*

Busted.

Caught.

Pulled aside.

By, God.

By, Life.

By, my heart.

In an attempt to get me to admit, if only just to me, that I have been in hiding since my young friend passed away.

It is why, me and that damned bowl of chili are STILL eyeing one another, warily, each time I open the fridge.

It is why, I have stopped my daily blog reading, not allowing myself the fun, the comfort, the joy in yakking daily to folk hither and yon

It is why, I have not bounded about, like a friendly golden retriever, looking to encourage this one, have fun with that one, see what life is up to with this, wonder what life will do about that.

It is why, I have my building projects building up and staring at me wondering when they will be able to come out and play.

It is why, my fingers no longer rush to the keyboard, anxious to know will come spilling clumsily from my heart, mind and mouth.

It is why, my heart is no longer pining for the ocean, no longer straining to dip my toes into waves anxious to hug my ankles close.

It is why, my soul is not begging for an opportunity to try and see where gifts given to me, could be used to see what I and Life and God could/would make out of them.

It is why, the tiger in me, even now, the kitty in me, have grown silent, still, pensive.

Because, I am a bit angry, with you.

All of you, beloveds.

Why?

Because you make me care. And, to my surprise, I don’t want to care. Not so much. Okay, so not at all, since my friend passed away.

I didn’t even realize it. Not until, this morning. I was texting a friend. Told her I was missing our friend. Told her I was feeling a bit angry about her. Angry, she was taken so young. Dammit.

My friend told me to “think happy thoughts”. My response verbatim was:

Me: Fuck happy!

Yikes. I HATE that word. Absolutely hate it and find it sooooooooooooooo crude. Yet, the moment the word came out, out LOUD, my heart sighed. I promise it did.

My heart sighed, and released all the pent up feelings it had been holding onto all this time.

What was super surprising, to me, was the feeling I had. It wasn’t, anger. It wasn’t even, sadness. Just sheer relief of being able to FEEL, to EXPRESS something. Anything.

Before that, I was being so damned careful:

Careful, to feel the RIGHT things.

Careful, to feel, the RIGHT things, the RIGHT way.

Careful, to NOT feel, the WRONG things.

Careful, to NOT feel, the WRONG things, at the WRONG time(s).

Careful to, do the right thing, eat the right thing, uplift the right way, encourage the right way.

As a woman, particularly a woman of color, I had to also be sure to set the right example as I bear the weight of my community, of my race, of my gender, of my this and that to ensure that those following behind me will get the chance to do whatever, be whatever. Other races, you see, do NOT have to account for their EVERY breath. Every last damned one of them. If we, if I, as a woman, as a person of color, step, outside the lines, or color, outside the lines, why…apparently the world will end for the rest of the entirety of the population(s) of people of color in the entirety of the whole damned world!

So, here I sit, dumbfounded, confounded, astounded that my heart felt nothing but relief at being able to feel whatever the hell I wanted to feel without the constraint, without the ‘halfto’, without the ‘needto’.

It is simply amazing what one can find behind Clark Kent eyesight. May find a ‘Fuck you’ or two or three there.

Yikes!

Egads!

And now, with me, here, now, wearing my Clark Kents, I find myself really wanting to say all manner of things, out LOUD. OUTLOUD!

I find myself, beloveds, wanting to fuss with you, just a bit. I want to run around, snatching off capes. Every one. I want to shake folk. I want to tell them to let their kitty out, dammit! I want to kick them in the hind end, until they get mad enough to let their tiger roar. I want to bang on doors hollering for folks to LOOK at one another, to TALK to one another.

All of that, of this, takes too much energy. I find myself, eyeing that damned cape.

*Cassandra reaches for….*

F-, the cape.

It ain’t easy being Clark Kent.

Cassandra

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