Saying the truth out loud: I don’t know how to feel.

Writing 2 Minutes

Saturday morning, I was in a grocery store. Happily, hummingly, minding my own business. Grabbing a snack here, a treat there. I helped an elderly white woman put her groceries, in her car. We had a delightful time fighting over me taking her bags as mom would have kicked my hind end allowing ANY older person to carry or put away heavy bags.

She, enjoyed me. I, enjoyed her. We wished each other well, and went our own way.

In Buffalo, NY, 10 other persons of color, went to a grocery store, minding their own business, helping others, yet they never made it home.

A gun man, young white man, fueled by hate, in part from a published manfesto, decided to drive 200 miles to snuff out as many lives of folks who look like me, for no reason other than the color of their skin.

The President of the United States gave a speech about…the usual bluster folks tend to use when folks of color get gunned down, for no reason. EVERYONE knows, full well, the nation would be in full blown freak out mode, if the innocent victims were not folks of color.

*sigh*.

I don’t know how to feel, today. I REFUSE to live, in fear. I REFUSE to not love and care for folks who do not look like me. I didn’t give two damns that older lady was white. She was just, to me, a fellow traveler, on this thing called earth. And, for that time, I was the same, to her.

Yet, there are many, right now, who wished more than 10 had been gunned down.

I don’t know how to feel, anymore, about that.

I promised myself I wouldn’t spend my days angry about obvious and subtle things that happen EVERY day.

I tell myself LOVE will win over hate. Hate won, this past Saturday. Hate, seems to be winning.

Folks then wait for folks of color, especially black women, to come riding up on horseback to save the day, at the voting booth, in homes, at work, etc. We are expected to be the ones soothing white folks fears, that we won’t react in anger. All the while, trying to maintain our chicklets(minds), be there for family, friends, coworkers and pray for a world who could give two damns about us.

We are expected to put our dreams, aside. Hell, black women are often not allowed to have dreams. We are expected to champion the dreams of our kids and spouses and significant others and all others. And, mostly, we do so, because we give more than two damns. We know that, well, dammit, if we don’t get off our asses and do the damned things, the damned things just won’t get done.

Fresh hell!

Crap.

I promised I wouldn’t get mad.

I AM, mad.

I AM, sad.

I AM, dismayed.

I AM, discouraged.

I an NOT, however, afraid.

I will continue to happily, hummingly, go to the damned store and buy a damned loaf of damned bread and wonder if my black woman tail will make it back home alive!!!!!

DAMMITT!!!!!!!!!

at a loss,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMeEvenIfMineDon’tMatterABitToFolksWhoDon’tLookLikeMeDammit!!

P.S. I shall let someone else post a pretty damned inspirational picture to uplift and exhort. Dammit, I am NOT target practice because I am living my life while black. Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Published by Cassandra S.

Published

17 thoughts on “Saying the truth out loud: I don’t know how to feel.”

  1. Hello, I’m meeting you through Britta as well, Cassandra. Thank you for your bravery and kindness, even in the face of persistent racism. The continued violence in our country against people of color must end. It is a central problem, unsolved for 400 years! I am committed to work against it every day.

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    1. Your words carried me through this day. I didn’t realize how scared I was thinking I could have been gunned down at the store on Saturday. Is taking a bit to process and I keep re reading the comforting words of those who have reached out. It’s realy sad to be 53 and fearful of leaving the house even to take out the trash or check the mail. I feel haunted/hunted….

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      2. Sorry so late with my reply. Have thought of your words many times these last few weeks. Just needed to step aside to catch my breath so I can start being loud again. It is wonderful people like you that actually give me a bit of hope. No one understands how hard it is to be on this side and have to continue to work and live and pretend it’s ok to be target practice for no reason other than the color of my skin.

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      3. Healing and change must occur for our country to survive; healing the wounds of slavery, Jim Crowe, lynchings, and the everyday violence against African Americans. I think it is like what Miss Celie says to Mr. in the Color Purple; “Until you do right by me, I say, everything you even dream about will fail.” All the races must be treated with respect, or we all fail. None of us is free until all are free.

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  3. You don’t know me. I read Britta’s blog and she posted a link to yours. I don’t even know what to say. I, like you, don’t care what color you are. I believe that we are all of the same race – the human race. It is truly sad that there is so much hate in the world today. I pray that one day the hatred, violence and evil will vanish.

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    1. You will never know how much your words and your posting meant to my spirit. Just no earthy words. All I can do is pray that God and Life bless your life a million times to show you what you have done for this tired heart. It’s hard to know what to do or how to feel as a person of color nowadays. I can’t let anger take over. I can’t allow defeat to move in. Yet….I just….just…..

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      1. You do you. That’s all any one of us can do. You are a powerful woman. I cannot even begin to understand what you’re going through on a daily basis. I just want you to know that there’s a whole bunch of nice folk on your team.

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      2. This post and others from your tribe made my whole day. Realized my nerves just completely shot and had difficulty getting through the work day. I binged watched Jean Luc last night and think I shall do the same today. Just no words for my appreciation.

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  5. Pingback: ‘Why can’t I be loud?’ – Britta's Blog – Letters from Scotland

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