For the past couple years, I have slowly been making life changes. Forever, changes.
There have been fits, starts, having fits from having to start again, again, then again, for goodness sakes again?, and again.
I would get some act right. Would tell said act right to go on ahead and kick some rocks and take new habits, Life, and at times God with…*gasp*.
Yea, I said it. I admit it. Told God, on more than one occasion, where He could take the requests to ALWAYS lean on Him and NOT my own understanding as I never really would understand all that had happened in my life.
Now, I tastefully told God that I “got this” and therefore did NOT ALWAYS have to lean on Him. I was a big girl. I was really smart. I worked really hard. I was a giving person. I was gregarious. I was a Christian. Ha!
So, slapping down my ace card, I let all know to leave me be and let me get about getting after this thing called life.
God and Life graciously got out of my way so I could go about getting in my way, leaving me to get in my own way.
Fast forward through all of the embarrassing my bads, oppppp, my apologies, and many a what in the tarnations, I learned how to patiently wait on Him, who had patiently been waiting on me, and learned how to take care of myself in healthy ways.
By training myself to put less and less, on bigger plates. I learned to start using smaller plates. It took time, beloveds. I had been used to heaping helping plates of comfort, er, food. Not just one large heaping and helping but one more than one more.
Sadly, the one more depended upon what I perceived God or Life or job or family or friends had done or not done or not said.
I punished me, you see. Thinking it was ‘just me’, so I could use the excuse of poor treatment or no treatment to get me to dismiss and disabuse me in the same manner I was so hurt receiving.
Over time, I learned to love me, learned HOW to love me. Which helped me to love loving on some me. The more that I began to love me, the less I wanted to ‘comfort’ myself with things, or in ways not helpful, not loving, to or for me.
Now I am a master portion peep. Now, I am into meal prepping and preparing things to last a few days. A while back I made some fabulous ground beef, potatoes, green beans and cheese concoction. It looked like an earthquake had hit the plate but was outstanding. Problem was I had made much too much for my supper.
Being lazy, I told myself not to ‘waste it’ and promptly laid waste to ALL those dastardly potatoes. I wolfed down the offending beef and cheese. I apologized, profusely, to green beans scarfed down with little regard and zero care.
Caring less, I ate more. The more I ate, the more I felt like me before. Before, the positive changes. Before, the hope. I now felt hopeless and positive I had positively messed things up, yet, again.
“Start, over”. This whispered gently by He who was waiting, STILL, still patient, for me to learn to lean upon HIM and not just upon me.
Starting again, again I began. Mending, tending, making matters right with and for my body, for my heart’s sake.
This morning, I had fun making grilled cheese in my new maker. I looooove grilled cheese sandwiches. I really loooooooove bread. Knowing both things to be true, I determined to allow myself grilled sandwiches on weekends. Then, I would only allow myself two.
I freely admit, beloveds, of making TWO helpings of two grilled cheese sandwiches. 😆
For supper, I decided to try making some omelets. Have been waiting to try this, to try my hand at good looking omelets, for a change. No destroying perfectly innocent eggs and fixings as I fought with, and lost to, a standard frying pan.
I got this fancy maker, kind with stenciled triangeled wondrous non stick plates. The kind that made four ooey, gooey, scrumptious egg, cheese and Italian sausage delights of love. With that, I made a can of sliced potatoes. Don’t judge yall. Canned potatoes really are tasty and saved me from forever tossing out uneaten potatoes, from the fridge.
Meal prepared, I could see, right off, I had just made too much. Hhmmm….
*sigh*…
You guessed it. Tearing into the room came old habits, yikes, egads, me time, with new habits taking up the rear.
Stopping the war, before it started, I quietly served up the second serving, preserving it in it’s portion sized resting plate, and stored it to have on the morrow.
Real talk, beloveds, sometimes it’s best to save the second portion. Enjoy, tomorrow. Don’t allow doing too much, having too much, taking too much, to ruin THIS day. Do, have, and be what is needed for THIS moment, in your life.
It makes no sense, whatever, for us to keep punishing ourselves, today, for all we did not get or have, yesterday. Like not so smart folk, we fond ourselves either hoarding away, or keeping our hearts away from this, that or the other.
It’s well past time for us to heal, to move on, to forgive, to love and keep it moving.
Forgive, you.
Forgive, Him.
Forgive, mom.
Forgive, dad.
Forgive, him.
Forgive, her.
Forgive, them.
Forgive, Life.
Forgive, all.
Above, all, forgive all you have gotten, or not gotten. You have, what you have, now.
What, now? You tell me. I have already put up my second serving. What are you going to do with yours?
🤨
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 