Apologies, beloveds, in advance, for NOT apologizing for what I am fixing to say and share.
I ALREADY know, and receive, the excommunication I shall receive for throwing hands with straight out foolishness, folks not wanting to receive the truth, and everyone else who want to be able to do whatever they want and still expect to enter into skinny and blissful rest.
This afternoon, I got me some act right, and got my healthy meal prep back going. Prepared and stored, my grapes. Put away the bread…smh…you will find out why in a post or two. Egads, Cassandra. Get it together, woman!
I had healthy lunch of green beans and half can of tuna in water. No frills, bells or whistles. I put up the popcorn bowl. Good Egads, Cassandra…smh.
Sat down, gave thanks and told God and Life ‘My bad’ for cutting up, cuz I was grieving, and hidin’ behind about fifty thousand grilled cheese sandwiches and about a hundred and sixteen million seventy five bowls of popcorn. I told myself what I was eating wasn’t ‘that bad’. Gave myself ‘permission’ to give myself a bit of comfort, cuz I was grievin’, and worked my way through an entire loaf of bread and package of swiss cheese. Geez Louise, Cassandra!…smh.
I did this, beloveds, with my bible sitting there, staring quietly at me. Yea, I did this whilst God, whilst Life, whilst my heart, quietly watched me put a hurtin’ on my insides, because my insides were hurting, from grief. Ask me how this makes sense. It doesn’t.
Yet, it’s what folks do. It’s what, to be for real for real, what ‘church folk’ do, what black folks do, what killing themselves while taking care of their families and dismissing their own hopes and dreams women do ALL the time. See, we don’t get the time, and certainly do NOT get permission, to hurt. Nope. Nada. Nary for a second.
We have gotsa put on the Superwoman cape and act like we could give two hoots about our own hearts, hopes, and dreams. Yeppers, we have GOTSA take care of our fam, our jobs, the community, folks of other races because they will NOT stand up or speak up for themselves.
Folks, society, the world, EVERYBODY expects, no, demands us womenfolk do womenfolk things and take care of the world and hopefully we can scrape together a peanut butter and jelly sammich AFTER we have served the world the most expensive and sought after steaks.
So, we learned to adapt. We:
Hid, our tears.
Stuffed down, our feelings.
Stuffed, our faces.
Yea, we sang praises to Him, gave all we had to Him, and kept eating til we could eat no more.
Then, we would do the ‘fasting’ bit. Not fasting, in a healthy way. But, fasting in a starve yourself til midnight way then rush to the nearest buffet come noon kind of way….*sigh*….forgive us, Lord. We knew/know not what we do, at times…*sigh*.
And, I can NOT let menfolk, off the hook. To be honest, though, I feel super sorry for menfolk. They are expected to financially take care of the world. Not only that, but they have to have THINGS, BLINGS AND RINGS. Do NOT ask me why, beloveds, but society and the world has told me they have to have a bajillion dollars and be Sir Galahad to apparently poor, broke, busted and disgusted damsels, in distress.
On top of THAT, if you can believe this, these poor men have to drive the RIGHT car, wear the RIGHT watch, be the RIGHT height, live in the RIGHT area, sleep around with half the world population in the RIGHT men tom-catting type of way.
On top of THAT, if you can believe this, these SAME men are expected to love their mamas, protect their sisters, and forget all these women they supposed to be tom-catting with are actually someone eles’s mams and sisters. So, they too, these men do what us women do:
Hide, their tears.
Stuff down, their feelings.
Stuffed, their faces.
Until, the world, society, is left with a bunch of eatin’, hidin’, makin’ excuses kind of folks who are scared to death to let folks know they are hurting/dying on the inside.
Yet, their OUTSIDES tell on them. Told, on me. Tells, on you.
The more and more healing I got, I found the more and more I wanted my outsides to match up with the healing work that God, that Life, was doing, on my insides.
I got some act right. With, me, first. Then, apologized to God, to Life, for slowly snuffing my life, by stuffing my insides with unhealthy choices, unhealthy living and unhealthy eating.
I gained weight. A lot of it. And, yes, I do have some health issues. But, that’s not why I was big. I was big because I was stuffing my pain, stuffing my tired, stuffing my frustrations, stuffing my lonely, stuffing my anger, stuffing my regret. Stuffing. Stuffing. Stuffing. Stuffing.
How could I NOT be on the disproportionate side?
I owned it. And, took ownership of it. Of, me, beloveds. I started slowly. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or haven’t you heard?
Over the course of time, I learned to put less on my plate, food wise. I began to put more on my plate, life wise, and got to getting after it. Have I gotten all the way there? Of course not. I have my setbacks. Yet, I no longer beat myself up about things. I no longer worry about what others worry about whilst they apparently are worrying about how to tell me how to live my life….*sigh*.
It is high past time that folks get some act right. With, themselves. With, God. With, Life. Admit to stuffing down the hurt and ask for help getting the hurt out, healed and done away with.
And, folks, it is NOT shaming for folks that care, to care about you and let you know you unhealthy and back away from the plate slowly. We need to look out for one another. We need to be honest with each other. We need to love one another.
Loving ourselves starts with us caring enough, to tell ourselves the truth.
*Cassandra peers between her fingers to see if there were anyone left out there still reading/listening*
Life is short, beloveds. Best we get to being about this life and taking real good care of ourselves and each other.
The God of All Comfort, Who is Our Father, in heaven, loves you. He, loves me. He does not wish for us to run around helpless and hopeless. We were meant to have abundant lives. NOT…okay, won’t go there with the thought that crossed my mind.
Beatdown over. See, we survived. Just barely, for some. But, that’s okay. There are days where I barely scrape my way over to my healthy eating fixing. There are days, where I have an extra helping heaping of feeling a tad bit sorry for myself. Yet, I don’t allow myself to stay there. I make myself get some act right, pick up a bible, an apple, a weight, and get to lifting the weight and sin that soooooooooooooooooo very easily besets us.
You got this.
As do I.
God and Life has us all.
Keep, going.
Live.
Love.
Laugh.
Share, your heart with someone.
Share, your words, with someone.
Remember, one word can change a life.
Starting with, your own.
I love you.
As does He.
His Servant and your friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 