Ha!
*Cassandra looked at hard, laughed at it and said ‘is THAT all you had for me today?!’
HA!!
Cassandra wonders if she be a bit more forthright and admit she had spent half the day wondering if she would make it and had a nice cry for third day in a row….hhhm…..nah!
Yikes! suggested Cassandra be honest with folk and admit she climbed onto The Father’s Lap and let Him know all the scriptures in the world was NOT helping her make it through the day.
Cassandra let Yikes! know where he could go with his suggestions.
Egads!
Cassandra let Egads! know he could go on ahead and join Yikes! somewhere.
God: Yikes!
Me: Why are you teasing me?
God: Because you are My Delight. Besides, Yikes! is right. There are too many who hide behind masks and such when they are having a really hard time. It may well encourage some others if you tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, so help you Me.
Me:….hmmm….well, okay then….lemmme rewind this tale…..*small pout*…..
*record scratch sound can be heard*….*lights dim, curtain opens and…*
Whew.
Whew!
Whew!!!
What a day. It’s a good thing I had done my me time else I would have been done in by the days’ happenings. Don’t ask me why but day sure nuff was NOT in a playful mood. Not, today. And, I have zero idea why day took such pleasure in making the day, my day, as hard as could possibly be had.
Father,
I’m tired. So very tired. This morning, sis and I talked about the morning mom passed away. It was really the first time I truly acknowledged how I felt being 9 and a half hours away as I heard the words “TTnette they say there is nothing else they can do”. Most helpless feeling in all the world. Brought me to my knees. Brought my world to it’s knees. I still am yet to recover from words six years said.
I have been shaken, all day. Honestly, I have been shaken since that 2016 Christmas morning. So much so, I shut down. Everything. My heart. My hopes. My dreams. Everything. God and Life kept gently prodding me to write, to live, to move forward. I couldn’t. I was stuck like Chuck.
It has taken all these years of doing my work, being about being about it, crying, cutting up, getting some act right, needing to get some act right, fighting with myself, fighting with God, fighting with life, fighting, fighting, fighting EVERYTHING but what really needed fighting:
Fear.
Anxiety.
Doubt.
Grief.
Anger.
Yea, boy, I was angry at the damned world. Angry with mom, for having the nerve to leave me. Angry with God and Life for having the nerve to take her away from me. Angry at….fresh hell….I was just angry, angry, angry, angry. For a long time.
No one knew, or so I thought. I hid it well. From, work. From, family. From, friends.
I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. Can I be honest, beloveds? I was the most angry with God, The Father. But, I could NOT admit that. Nopers, not to Him. How the fresh egads could I serve Him yet be ready to punch something in the face? Not very Christ-like, I imagined. So, I hid also, from Him. And, from Jesus.
I bargained with both. Just leave me the hell alone so I could stay in my silent hell and I would keep taking care of the damned world, dammit, whilst I bled, silently and angrily in plain sight of the whole damned world dammit!
Even writing these words have a fresh wave of anger welling from deep inside. I find I am so angry, still.
Still?
Wow, I thought I was over the anger after having finally, finally, finally accepted that I will never see mom again.
Turns out, I guess I used work and ministry and food and more work and more food and more ministry and more work to stuff away all that anger. Buried so deeply that only years of work and healing and learning how to take care of my chicklets(my mentals), in a healthy way has the anger been able to surface from under a mountain of no longer eaten chips and Snickers.
Healing can and is wonderful. Yet, healing can be terribly difficult as it causes ALL of one’s broken pieces to come out hollering to be seen, to be heard, to be validated. These broken pieces(go back and read my other pieces on broken pieces back up the archive way), once awakened refuse to go back to sleep.
NO, they scream!
You will NOT silence us anymore!!
These broken pieces then getting to running around, slamming furniture, tossing things, deep inside, where a tornado of feelings has started, in your heart, welling up to consume everything in it’s path. Yet, you learn to hide this tornado as having no earthly idea what to do with it now.
Yes, you want to be healed. Yes, you want to be free. Yet, it is so bloody unfair that you are the one who has to do the work of healing a heart that God, that Life, that mom, dammit, had broken. They can all go kick rocks!!!!!
I find I have work to do. Still. But, I have bargained with God, with Life and let both know They can have my service if they would just leave me be. Thankfully, Neither listened to me. They pursued me, relentlessly. They refused to allow me to give up. On, myself. On, my dreams. Gently, slowly, carefully, tactfully, prayerfully they pried the give up out of my having given up on life hands.
In it’s place they tenderly deposited peace, love, joy, hope and laughter. Yes, beloveds, over the course of time I learned to laugh again. Thought I would never laugh again. Ever. Amazes me how long it took to dig my joy, my faith, my peace, my laughter and all the yipppppeeessss and goofness that made me, me.
Now, having found me, I am relentless in my pursuit to follow God, to follow life where so ever They choose to lead me.
Which leads me to this morning. To, today. I thought I was super tired because of all the extra work we have to do. I was out of sorts. ALL day. ALL DAY! I got on one friend’s nerves. That was not enough for me so I got on another friend’s nerves. Her several times. Sorry, my friend. THAT wasn’t enough so I got on my wombie’s lastest nerves. Sorry, wombie. THAT wasn’t enough so I climbed on The Father’s Lap and knew I could never, ever get on His Nerves. Just that fact began to soothe me. This is what I whispered in His Ear as I clung desperately to Him, letting the comforting vibrations of His Quiet Laughter and Sound of His Voice to act as a balm to my daughter’s grieving heart:
“Father, I have been saying scriptures, all day, and they don’t appear to be helping. I kept saying them, though, over and over. I know Your Word, Your Love, Your Faith, Your Promises, have absolutely nothing to do with whether I believe in them. Whether I believe in YOU or not. I believe You. I believe IN You. Why? Because You are. Nuff said, far as I am concerned.
Dad, I miss mom. I still don’t know what life looks like without her. I still don’t know how to feel about her being gone. This morning, as sis and I talked, I wanted to run away. From, her words. From, my own words. I didn’t. I stayed. Just as I want to stay, here, with You, forever. I am tired. So very tired. Of being alone. Without, mom. Without, the physical touch of a mate. Without a posse, to call my own. Posse mates who call me ‘just cuz’ just as I do. Posse who will squeeze my shoulder and let me know I will be okay. I know I will be okay. Just does not feel that way….*sigh*”.
Tired still, I reached out to my accountability partner and let it be known I was really tired. Thought I was tired about work. Turns out, I was really tired of carrying all the weight of losing mom, of all the last 6 years of fighting to become a big girl, once again. I have felt like such a small child in a humungus world since she left.
I was so tired I did not know if I could finish my shift. He said ONE sentence that caused me to pause then burst into laughter which gave me the energy to finish my day:
“Stay with it like eating an elephant. Can only do one bite at a time”.
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAH!A
True that!
We can only do life one step, one bite, at a time. Knowing this, I took a bite, took a deep breath and ended my work day with style.
Tonight, I am tired, still. Yet, I am peaceful. Yet, I am joyful. Yet, I am prayerful. Yet, I am….
Yea, I am. Sums it up nicely.
Think I will go see if there is someone around to dance with me.
*Cassandra turned up ‘Let’s Groove’ super loud, singing loudly, singing proudly, singing badly, waiting to see Who may stop by. The Curtain of Time could be heard parting as the lights dimmed upon this particular story…*
The end?
‘Course not.
Be encouraged, all.
One bite.
One step.
here still,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
- IT ME!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 
Eat an elephant one leg at a time… Love the title. Great metaphor. May I suggest to replace elephant with something ever so slightly more tasty and perhaps a little smaller? Have no first hand elephant eating experience. Also, not sure how you manage to keep elephant fresh in fridge. Should probably put a smiley emoji here, so that people know I’m joking. Sometimes, we’re just surviving, not really thriving, and sometimes everything is too much. And it is. No way of ignoring. But this will pass. Eventually. You’re mum made you a strong woman. And yes, strong women need a break, too. And, perhaps, they need to eat a metaphorical elephant. You’re doing great, Cassandra. You get out of bed. That’s a win. That’s a massive win. So, answer me this question, please: What goes nicely with elephant leg? Any sauce recommendations? Spices? Trimmings?
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