I started this piece a week ago.
It was supposed to be a triumphant piece. A piece where I ended up slaying this dragon, chasing away that goblin. Basically, by the end of the tale, I would have vanquished every foe. Yea, I was going to do the mike drop from being satisfied with encouraging the whole blasted world.
I was going to take a bow, take two seats and have a victorious cup of coffee.
Speaking of which…..scuse me for a minute….
*screams of agony and anxt could be heard as Cassandra wailed, moaned and travailed over her now defunct Kuerig machine*
Coffee-less, Yes-less, and still living in a world full of yet, I have found myself, yet, again, in the land of what the world going on around here?
It has been silent, the past few days. I just now realized I had stopped playing my music. Am trying to figure out when my music stopped which caused me to stop playing my music.
Ah.
Aha!
Easter is coming.
It’s almost here.
Easter is hard for me. Easter was one of mom’s fave holidays. I thought I would be okay without her this year. Year 6….*sigh*. It feels like the first one without her. I thought time would make things easier. Make her loss easier to bear. It hasn’t.
The passage of times just seems to make the holidays a bit harder. It seems like time just laughs at me, around the holidays. Time taunts me and jeers at me wondering why I am still stuck in this missing mom type of place when the holidays come around.
It’s hard to hide my lonely and my grief around the holidays. Holiday days echoes so loud for those who have lost loved ones. Holidays, it appears, were only meant for those who are a part of a family. For those who are without…*sigh*.
On days like today, I used to call mom. And, she would ALWAYS say “Everything is going to be alright”. The way she said it, I ALWAYS believed it. Even on the toughest of days. On those super hard days, just knowing I could call my mama and have her tell me everything would be okay made the toughest days doable.
I can’t call her now…*sigh*.
I also used to love laying on her tummy. Mama had a Buddha tummy. Nice, warm and super plumpy. I would climb my too old self on her bed and lay my head on her tummy. She would laugh and the rumble would make her tummy tumble deliciously against my tired cheek.
I need a mama’s tummy.
I need a mama’s “Everything will be alright”.
The silence is defeaning.
I find myself wandering, today.
Away, from the silence.
Towards, mama.
Mama, where are you….
wandering,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: For those struggling with loss, losses, or just struggling, hang in there. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Acknowledge that you feel and know that it truly is okay to not be okay until you find yourself okay again. Be encouraged. You are not alone. Days like today…whew…*Cassandra climbs on The Father’s Lap and whispers how very much she misses her mama’s tummy…*sigh*
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
- IT ME!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 