Have you ever had life sneak up on you and wop you upside the head, subtly, without your knowing you were knocked out?
I have been working, hard, trying to get my health back situated. I stopped eating potato chips. I re introduced veggies. I did this. I stopped doing that.
For a long time all was well. Until they weren’t. Found that grief and loss had found their way back into my heart. Dammit. I have been dealing with those dummies since mom passed away Christmas morning 2016.
Since then, I will be being about it, living life, doing me and then….record scratch, then one or the other will show up and show out. During those times I would find myself comfort eating. Dammit.
I have done much better at catching myself and rushing to The Father, climbing into His Lap and telling Him of all my grief and loss.
Yet, when we use a crutch, such as comfort eating, weight tends to pile up to help us take the weight off the grief and loss. Which, frustrating only adds more weight of sad and shame.
Which brings me to the point of this piece. Yea, yes, I have been stalling thinking and talking about this. Dammit.
I found myself unconsciously comfort eating a while back. I got some act right and kept it moving. But…*sigh*…
I ended up picking up a bit of weight. Before I knew it, my super cute panties appeared to have stretched, with me, leaving me with…..GRANNY PANTIES!!
*Horrified screams could be heard from every self-respecting woman who detests old, stretched out underwear!*
Now, I have to live with the consequences and put on my now not cute undies. Now, EVERY time I grab a pair, I am reminded of my weakness and giving in to my grief and loss.
What’s worse, I have been secretly punishing myself as I should have ‘known better’. I silently tell myself I should have kept being about it.
Stealthily, where only I could see, I began to judge my heart. I admonished myself and lectured myself that THIS was why my dreams have been in abeyance for decades.
I tore into my heart, playing prosecutor as I judged, juried and found myself wanting. Punishment, I vowed, would be to wear those damned panties as it was MY fault for having dammed myself to all the extra weight I would now have to start damned over and lose so I could get back healthy.
And no, beloveds, it is NOT fat-shaming to be confronted with the need to lose weight to help our organs take care of us.
The actual shame, the true shame, is the shame we carry. Which is why we have comfort eaten in the first place. The shame is ,we have been trained to keep our pain to ourselves. Leaving us to cope, badly, alone with grief, with loss, with those things which takes our breath and leave us gasping for air in a comma-less sentence.
God is good. He saw my secret sad. He saw ME. This is what He did:
God: Come.
Me: I can’t.
God: Come. Sit, with me. I miss your hugs.
Me: I CAN’T!
God: Why ever not, beloved?
Me: Because, I don’t FEEL beloved! Don’t you see? I didn’t rely on You. I did not stand, on Your Word, like You told me to. I chased grief and loss away with all those stupid Doritoes! See?
God: I see. Why is any of this important? Are you no longer My Daughter who is always precious in MY Sight?
Me: Well…hhm. Okay, it’s a bit hard to argue with You when You put it that way.
God: Come.
I will.
sad in secret no more,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life ain’t easy. We all find ourselves living with, dealing with the after affects of things we have done to sabotage our health, out wealth, and our dreams. We do this through our actions or lack there of. We do this through the people we allow into our lives who are not in them for our highest good.
We do this when we build our lives upon fear, anxiety and doubt. Yet, we can ALWAYS begin, again. And, again. Then, again. As many times and ways we need.
It is time, beloveds, for us to forgive ourselves for all we have done or failed to do. Enough! Lift up your head and go buy some new panties! I know I am going to.
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 