Mother’s Day: Tear down those walls, Cassandra.

Writing 4 Minutes

Mother’s Day…*sigh*.

I see you. Yes, I am WELL prepared for you.

This year.

THIS time.

Last night, pre Mother’s Day, I made sure, made certain, in fact, to arm myself with ALL the prerequisites to survive an motherless Mother’s Day:

Silence – I smartly texted those who I know would give two damns about my orphan self as mom up and damn left me like that!!!! Dammit, mom!! Oppps….ehem….*Cassandra snatches up hidden anger and rushed it into the now fully crammed dammit why the world and the fresh hell did you up and leave me like that mom drawer, and got about preparing her encampment, er apartment, making it rage proof, emotion proof, happy go damn pretending like she doesn’t care mom is gone, environment.

To ensure said silence, Cassandra made sure her text was pleasant, efficient, brief as she advised she would be incommunicado dammit cuz mom gone…opps.

Next, and this was a tricky one, she called her Wombie, to let her know she was going to spend some time ‘resting’. Ha! To be fair, her wombie knows her well and gave her permission to turn off the phone and process as she needed to process. Well, crackers, wombie, you sure do make it hard to hide my heart, from you.

Actually, beloveds, I no longer hide my heart, during Mother’s Day. Last year, I was even able to make a nice dinner and think of all the good times mom and I had. I thought I was going to be able to this year. Alas, my heart decided to do a sneak attack and prepared to hide from this motherless world…*sigh*.

Darkness – I have some lovely smart bulbs I can switch to a brooding, tasteful, drat it all mom is gone and left me a blasted orphan color. I also started the morbid, er mourning, er moment by playing ‘Moment by Moment’ on a loop….*sigh*…such an introspectively, romantically sad song to me……*Cassandra sways to Moment by Moment thinking of her mom every moment*.

Ice – Since I would not allow myself to comfort eat, I found myself taking unused ice trays out and crunching on ice all day….*sigh*….*Cassandra puts the ice trays back up*. I used to use ice eating to self comfort when life was really hard. EVERY two hours, I had it timed, I would dump the ice, refill the ice trays and run a bit of hot water, over the ice cubes, to make sure only the white part of the ice was left. This left a satisfying crunch/flavor. Yet, I was in a prison of every two blasted hours changing ice and lamenting about this or that or the other of life.

Since getting some true healing, I do my best to leave comfort eating alone and get my comfort in the lap of The Father, in the Word, in supportive family, in my wombie, in old movies, in praise/worship and good old fashioned feel good secular music.

Mostly, though, beloveds, I draw comfort from me. I encourage and love myself. First. So I can love others and be the best tasting oyster cracker this side of heaven.

Anywho, I have my fortress of darkness and solitude prepared and awaited the coming dawn. I was smart enough, even, to take a power nap. I just HAD to greet Mother’s Day, on a full night’s sleep. Ha!

I battled the night.

The night, battled me.

Battered, I ceded the night to day.

Fresh hell.

Day, left her corner, tapped out night, and commenced to tossing haymakers.

MOTHER’S DAY.

Hhmm.

Hmmm.

*Day, having crashed face first, on an empty bed, looked around wondering where Cassandra….hhaarrumph! Day, flounced out of the room after observing Cassandra serving her mom and Mother’s Day a cup of coffee. The lovely sound of peculating coffee mingled with the incredibly beautiful sights and smeills of perfectly made cheese toast. Day decided to find someone else to pick on seeing as Cassandra had her Mother’s Day well in hand.*

I woke from my nap, turned the phone back on, turned the lights on and prepared to greet Mother’s Day with a grateful heart. Carefully, with intention, I began to tear down walls I had been secretly building for weeks. I did not realize I had been building walls until the tell of those ice trays came up.

I am grateful for old habits. They alert us something is up. Yes, if you have the courage, old habits will tell on you. Like a game of hide and seek, old habits will search us out. Old habits are experts at hide and seek. For, they know where ALL the bodies, are buried. Yikes, mom, no pun intended…*macabre shiver*

I determined, I would arise and do my own search and rescue mission. I told myself I would not write. Not, today. Not, on Mother’s Day. i needed to hide and process me in case inopportune grief and sadness, raised their ill-timed heads.

Surprisingly, neither have shown up. Not, yet. Yet, my heart tapped me on the shoulder. Reminding me there are countless of sons and daughters who are also missing their mom, their mama, their o dear Lord how do I survive without them person.

*Cassandra prepares some extra place settings for any and all who are in need of some care on this their motherless Mother’s Day.*

Be encouraged. For those who have lost loved ones there just is no getting around the loss. Take some time, to allow your heart to feel however it needs to feel. It is perfectly fine to either be perfectly fine. Or, it’s okay to not be okay until you find yourself okay, once again. Okay?

In the meantime, I am going blast Moment by Moment, cherishing EVERY precious, priceless, tearful, joyful, moment of this motherless Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you. I miss you. Thank you, for my life. Enjoy your well deserved rest. Mom, I got this. And, God has me. I shall continue your example of feeding the world the best oyster cracker it has ever eaten. Your grateful, orphan daughter, Cassandra.

missing me some her,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Unknown's avatar

Published by Cassandra S.

Published

Your thoughts matter! Let us know how you feel.