This has been an exhausting day, beloveds. Found myself fighting with old habits, all day. Old habits was sneaky this time. Old habits paired up with mental fatigue and both lulled me to sleep. Then, the dasterdly crew grabbed 6 mini Milky Ways I had put away in the freezer. Yep, they wooed me with ‘you have done well, Cassandra. 6 of these teeeny, weeny things won’t hurt. You have earned them’. Then, mental fatigue chimed in I have not had chocolate in months.
Fatigued, I ate them then allowed mental fatigue to gently fan me to sleep. After a time, old habits suggested I go ahead and make that box of brownies I had in the cabinet. Yea, the brownies had been there forever and could use a bit of daylight, old habits reasoned.
Sensing some wonderfulness about to commence, stomach quietly growled to fingers to reach on up there and get the brownies. Head began shaking, vehemently, telling mouth to get up and do it’s job and go get legs to help!
Legs, having been alerted, rushed to find new habits who calmly advised hands to reach out to hips and send brain the signal to reach out to act right. Hands, defiantly on hips, entreated act right to get Cassandra to acting right.
Act right, sighed, put on her fave red Nikes and commenced to kicking some serious behind. Behind, shrieking in agony, borrowed legs and rushed back into the kitchen. Behind begged hands to get those blasted brownies BACK into the cabinet.
Calmly, hands put away the brownies. For punishment, act right made Cassandra do extra chores instead of enjoying the NBA Playoffs.
*pout*…..lol.
Thankfully, beloveds, your old habits WILL tell on you. Be sure to listen to them. I sat down, with a cup of coffee, and asked myself WHY I felt the need to unconsciously comfort eat. With intention, I took my comfort in calling my twin, my wombie, and talking to her. With intention, I found comfort in the scriptures. With intention, I sought comfort in letting God know I was awfully tired from not being able to live out my writing dream, right now. I asked for grace. I asked for peace. I asked for rest.
Then, I shared with sis, letting her know I was trying to comfort eat. It was comforting being able to share what was really going on. I didn’t used to. In fact, I would work extra hard to convince myself I was aite. For whatever reason, the church doesn’t appear to want folks to actually have actual feelings. Even though, Jesus wept, it doesn’t appear too acceptable for us to weep and say ‘ow’.
Ha! And, that Ha comes from God. And, from Life. Part of the reason, the main reason, lately, I have this blog is for folk to see BEYOND the curtain and to see it is perfectly fine and needed to be human whilst walking and living a Christian walk.
Christians have been acting such a fool I have told myself I need to find something to call myself. Many have taken to using God and the bible to bash fellow humans all upside the head….smh..
*Cassandra apologizes to God and Life for folk acting ten kinds of fools and not walking in love scaring folk half to death..smh…Cassandra climbs down from her soapbox and gets on with it*.
Back to the near Brownie Caper, I decided to sit with why I wanted to hide, just a bit, in food. I asked myself why I felt soooooooooooo mentally fatigued today. I had taken off 4 days and have spent those days endlessly yakking with family, proudly doing my food prep and keeping up with my chores. I have allowed myself to write and to rest from writing. So, I should be refreshed and ready to work, tomorrow.
I found I was sad from having to go and work tomorrow. I love my job. Love what I do. Yet, my heart just wants to write ALL night and pray for folk and write some more and read my bible and rinse and repeat until morning comes. There is nothing more delicious, to me, then writing in the wee hours of the night. It feels like only God and myself are up in the whole, wide world. I know this isn’t so but it feels this way.
Come morning, I am ready to hit the bed but can’t. It’s time to work. Ack! This has been the delimma for years and why I stopped writing for years. It was just too painful to have to stop writing. Now, my writer won’t stop. Hence, my mental fatigue. Hence, old habits sneaking up. Hence, brownies coming out of the tomb of the back cupboard.
Back away from the brownie mix, Cassandra.
I did.
Old habits, beloveds, will tell on you. I’m thankful mine told on me. Listen to yours. Keep on keeping on. Keep your act right acting right. Follow, old habits to see where they take you. They may/will lead you to some surprising places.
Life is short. It’s okay to have feelings. You just don’t want to live, in your feelings, and have them dominate your life and talk you into do that which is not healthy, helpful or smart.
Feel.
Process.
Forgive.
Move forward.
moving forward with you,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 