Why not?

Why not?

Why not…

You?

Why not?

Why not…

Now?

Why not?

Why not…

Your dreams?

Why not?

Why not…

Your needs?

Why not?

Why not…

Your try?

Why not?

Why not…

Your time.

Why not?

Why not:

You?

Your dreams?

Your needs?

Your try?

Your time?

Can you?

Why not?

Let’s go see.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, wanting, in search of something.*

relentlessly in search of…,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Why not, beloveds? Why the world not? Why can’t the entire, whole wide, who cares about you world open up to and for you? It can. It will. Once you realize true, honest to goodness LIVING has very little, if anything to do with what you do, what you have, or what you have been.

Life isn’t about acquiring. There is nothing wrong with acquiring. It is WHAT folk are relentlessly pursuing, where the challenge lies. Life is short. Are you acquiring:

Wisdom.

Knowledge.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Unity.

Integrity.

Truth.

Fellowship.

Or, is your focus acquiring people, places and things in order for you to be handed:

Wisdom.

Knowledge.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Unity.

Integrity.

Truth.

Fellowship?

Ah.

Aha!

Keep asking why not you…

The quiet is so loud.

It has been sooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet, here lately.

My heart, has been loud.

My dreams, have been louder.

My tears, have flowed freely.

My needs, have boldly asserted themselves.

Yet, God and Life have been quiet.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet.

The quiet, THEIR quiet, is so loud, right now.

I am trying to okay, with THEIR quiet.

I am learning how, to be silent, when God and Life, grow quiet.

It’s not easy. I am used to being loud. I am used to rushing into the breach, to snatch out this try and that be about and this hard work and that tough circustance.

Lately, God has been gesturing for me to be still. Life has been urging me to be silent.

Why?

I have no idea.

God is quiet.

Life is silent.

The quiet is so loud.

*Cassandra strains to hear. All she can hear is the loud beating, of her heart, as she strains to be silent. Suddenly, a…..*

To be continued?

I have no idea.

Everything is quiet.

I feel as though I am on a precipice.

THE precipice?

I have no idea.

I feel…

Something.

I feel…?

I feel.

I FEEL!

Ah.

Aha!

getting closer to something,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Be still, beloveds, while life is shaking, straining, changing all around you. This shaking is necessary. As you are being re-potted, re-planted, up-rooted, trust The One who is taking care of your heart, your plant…YOU!

The upset/upheaval you feel is nothing more than the necessary shifting from this place to that one. This place, is unfamiliar and feels un-settlingly so. New, places can feel unnerving when you don’t have faith in who/what is in charge of the move.

Embrace, this time. It shall never come again. Enjoy your try. Trying will become fun, when you do. I try. I flop. I laugh. I try, again. I mess up, again. I laugh, again. I try, again. I succeed, just a smidge. I rejoice in my smidge. I try. I lose the smidge. I laugh. I try, again. Rinse. Repeat. Ah. Aha!

Wanting something.

Have you ever found yourself wanting…

Something?

Yet, something, kept you from finding your something.

Leaving you wanting, instead.

Something, is getting in the way, of your wanting.

Or, is your wanting, getting in the way, of something?

Is it the something, in which you are wanting, that holds your key?

Or is it the wanting, of the something, which will unlock the dream?

Is the key, in the something?

Is wanting, in fact, the key?

How can you know when wanting, that something, is sucking the oxygen from everything.

My heart is wanting…

Something.

Something, is now wanting, my heart to receive.

Receive what, I ask my heart now?

Now, my heart looks onward, at something, shooting for something, it has been wanting all my life long.

What do you want?

Something.

Maybe, God and Life knows something about this something my heart has been wanting, inside me.

Ah.

Aha!

*Cassandra goes in search of something she has been wanting 54 years and counting…*

patiently waiting whilst wanting SOMETHNG,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going, beloveds. Keep believing. In, you. In, Life. In, Love. In, family. In, God. I know, I know. It’s no longer fashionable to believe in those things. Apparently, it’s no longer cool, to believe. Keep believing, still, yet and always. The world will do what it does. Change will always be. Yet, God shall ALWAYS be. I know. I know. Eye rolls may commence here. That’s okay. As, are you. As, am I. Be sure to get some rest, today, in order for you to tackle your next days with peace, hope, joy, love, comfort and as much love as you can cram into your heart, into my heart, and into the hearts of this still caring world. Don’t let what you see on the television fool you. There are many more folks who care, still, than those who are currently acting ten kinds of fool. Be encouraged.

Discombobulated.

This has been such an odd morning. Odd, ALL day, so far. My heart is all over the place.

Dealing with mom stuff, with me stuff, with life stuff, with past stuff, has been…discombobulating. I texted fam/friend:

Am discombobulated. Not sure why. Not upset. Work is quite. Just find myself unsettled while trying to move forward. Found myself reaching for the phone to call mom. Hit me I can’t call her. Crap.

What did I do?

I took discombobulated with me to work, through chores, through lunch, through yakking with fam until discombobulated got bored and decided to go mess with someone else.

Ha!

Keep going, beloveds. This has been a long week. You have done your best. Rest now. Leave the outcome to God and Life. Get some nice me time in there. I have some delicious playoffs to watch and scrumptious grilled top sirloin sandwiches to inhale.

Take care.

Be encouraged.

resting with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life can feel exhausting. That’s okay. Try not to live in your feels and give yourself a break. You do NOT have to figure it all out, today. You got this.

Old habits will tell on you: Back away from the brownie mix, Cassandra.

This has been an exhausting day, beloveds. Found myself fighting with old habits, all day. Old habits was sneaky this time. Old habits paired up with mental fatigue and both lulled me to sleep. Then, the dasterdly crew grabbed 6 mini Milky Ways I had put away in the freezer. Yep, they wooed me with ‘you have done well, Cassandra. 6 of these teeeny, weeny things won’t hurt. You have earned them’. Then, mental fatigue chimed in I have not had chocolate in months.

Fatigued, I ate them then allowed mental fatigue to gently fan me to sleep. After a time, old habits suggested I go ahead and make that box of brownies I had in the cabinet. Yea, the brownies had been there forever and could use a bit of daylight, old habits reasoned.

Sensing some wonderfulness about to commence, stomach quietly growled to fingers to reach on up there and get the brownies. Head began shaking, vehemently, telling mouth to get up and do it’s job and go get legs to help!

Legs, having been alerted, rushed to find new habits who calmly advised hands to reach out to hips and send brain the signal to reach out to act right. Hands, defiantly on hips, entreated act right to get Cassandra to acting right.

Act right, sighed, put on her fave red Nikes and commenced to kicking some serious behind. Behind, shrieking in agony, borrowed legs and rushed back into the kitchen. Behind begged hands to get those blasted brownies BACK into the cabinet.

Calmly, hands put away the brownies. For punishment, act right made Cassandra do extra chores instead of enjoying the NBA Playoffs.

*pout*…..lol.

Thankfully, beloveds, your old habits WILL tell on you. Be sure to listen to them. I sat down, with a cup of coffee, and asked myself WHY I felt the need to unconsciously comfort eat. With intention, I took my comfort in calling my twin, my wombie, and talking to her. With intention, I found comfort in the scriptures. With intention, I sought comfort in letting God know I was awfully tired from not being able to live out my writing dream, right now. I asked for grace. I asked for peace. I asked for rest.

Then, I shared with sis, letting her know I was trying to comfort eat. It was comforting being able to share what was really going on. I didn’t used to. In fact, I would work extra hard to convince myself I was aite. For whatever reason, the church doesn’t appear to want folks to actually have actual feelings. Even though, Jesus wept, it doesn’t appear too acceptable for us to weep and say ‘ow’.

Ha! And, that Ha comes from God. And, from Life. Part of the reason, the main reason, lately, I have this blog is for folk to see BEYOND the curtain and to see it is perfectly fine and needed to be human whilst walking and living a Christian walk.

Christians have been acting such a fool I have told myself I need to find something to call myself. Many have taken to using God and the bible to bash fellow humans all upside the head….smh..

*Cassandra apologizes to God and Life for folk acting ten kinds of fools and not walking in love scaring folk half to death..smh…Cassandra climbs down from her soapbox and gets on with it*.

Back to the near Brownie Caper, I decided to sit with why I wanted to hide, just a bit, in food. I asked myself why I felt soooooooooooo mentally fatigued today. I had taken off 4 days and have spent those days endlessly yakking with family, proudly doing my food prep and keeping up with my chores. I have allowed myself to write and to rest from writing. So, I should be refreshed and ready to work, tomorrow.

I found I was sad from having to go and work tomorrow. I love my job. Love what I do. Yet, my heart just wants to write ALL night and pray for folk and write some more and read my bible and rinse and repeat until morning comes. There is nothing more delicious, to me, then writing in the wee hours of the night. It feels like only God and myself are up in the whole, wide world. I know this isn’t so but it feels this way.

Come morning, I am ready to hit the bed but can’t. It’s time to work. Ack! This has been the delimma for years and why I stopped writing for years. It was just too painful to have to stop writing. Now, my writer won’t stop. Hence, my mental fatigue. Hence, old habits sneaking up. Hence, brownies coming out of the tomb of the back cupboard.

Back away from the brownie mix, Cassandra.

I did.

Old habits, beloveds, will tell on you. I’m thankful mine told on me. Listen to yours. Keep on keeping on. Keep your act right acting right. Follow, old habits to see where they take you. They may/will lead you to some surprising places.

Life is short. It’s okay to have feelings. You just don’t want to live, in your feelings, and have them dominate your life and talk you into do that which is not healthy, helpful or smart.

Feel.

Process.

Forgive.

Move forward.

moving forward with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Keep showing up.

Keep showing up.

Even, when no one shows up with you.

Especially, when no one shows up for you.

It’s not about the thing.

It’s not about the place.

It’s not about the person.

It’s all in the try.

You are looking for precious and priceless treasure. You shall find it if you just keep showing up.

I shall give you a hint.

You already have the priceless treasure.

What’s that, you ask?

Ah.

Aha!

Keep asking. You are getting closer!

Keep showing up.

Doors SHALL open.

I’m excited for you.

Are you?

I am.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror and keeps showing up”

showing up no matter what,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Keep showing up. Life is short. The day has much to give and teach you. When you are too tired for instruction, rest. Then, keep showing up. You got this. You CAN. You SHALL.

Who cares?

Who cares?

I do.

Who cares?!

I do!

*Cassandra turns away from doubt, apathy and fatigue and continues to care*

Who cares that YOU care?

Who cares. I shall continue to care, anyway.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, continuing to care*

caring inspite of, despite of, because of and for a world which could apparently care less,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Here, I usually would have something witty or charming or smart or sappy or…*shrug*. Today, I woke up with zero energy to throw hands against apathy, fatigue and their ilk. Which is precisely why I drug apathy, fatigue and doubt to this keyboard where I am pounding their faces off with these keys. The dummies shouldna woke me up whispering for me to give up on folk. HA! These fools don’t understand I do the OPPOSITE when they show up….*shakes head*. Keep trying, beloveds. Especially when fear, anger, doubt, apathy and the like shows up. This is your sign change IS coming and may yet be near. Look for it. Look for Him. Look…

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

Tired, of trying to live up to YOUR expectations, of me.

Tired, of being tired.

I’m tired.

Tired, of trying, to be the best version of me.

I’m tired.

Tired of, doing the thing, being about being about it.

I’m tired.

Tired of, reaching, searching, seeking, striving.

I’m tired.

Tired of, reaching out to a world who seemingly does not care, anymore. At least about those who look like me. Or, about…who knows why. I want to say fresh hell, here, but hell seems everywhere so why add it here.

I’m tired.

Tired of, waiting for change to come.

Nevertheless, I fight on.

However, I continue to try.

Why?

You tell me.

I am honestly too tired to care, today.

Too tired, to try.

Too tired, to give.

Too tired, to…

Fresh hell, I’m tired.

Rest then, God said.

I will.

*Cassandra turns away from the mirror, in search of what not, she has no clue. Today, she is just too tired.*

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have been responding to a thread where I initially commented: As a person of color I thank EVERY commenter for being willing to listen and consider. Folks of color just want the flag to cover us as well. We don’t want to bash white folk to make you feel guilty. We just want to be the sister and brother to you that we are.

That was two months ago. Up to over 2300 likes and over 230 responses. Many of which, are mine. I respond to all. Just about. Even the not so nice responses. Today, this morning, my heart just sighed at a negative response. At first, I wanted to ignore it. In fact, I STILL want to ignore them all. Reaching out, to a world who is….I am just too tired, today, to figure out or even care about why folks do what they do. To, themselves. To, one another. To, me. I have decided to climb down from the world. Today. I shall fight on, tomorrow. If, I have one. Think I shall leave the reaching out to you, beloveds. This day. Will you? Tell me what happened…tomorrow.

Be encouraged. Send me some, would you please/thanks? Asking for a friend…

Building my dream outloud: Overcoming your fear of age.

I give up.

I admit it.

I was a fraidy cat, due to my age.

I was terrified, due to being a woman.

I was skeptical, because I was black.

Yep, beloveds, I had the trifeca. Who, on earth, would take a chance on an old, not having money, female, black sista at that, like me. So, I ran, from my dreams. I hid. Hid behind:

Work.

God.

More work.

More God.

Ministering to the world.

Ministering to my family.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Yes, those things I enjoyed. Yes, those things were needed. Yet, I still hid, amongst my good works. So, to be complete 100, God and Life would not ask my why I was not pursuing my writing. I polished up what I thought They would appreciate and hid.

Folk, the world, users, were all perfectly happy with me using myself up helping them whilst hiding from my dreams. From, me. I think this is partially why I am so in a hurry to get folks to hurry on up and be about being about it.

For the newbies, being about being about it means getting to the thing instead of waiting for this, that and the other thing. Be about BEING ABOUT IT! Do you see?

Losing mom just tore out my soul. Snatched it right out. I thought I would never be whole. I thought I would always be a ball of pain. I am here to let you know that you CAN and will survive the un survivable. One step, at a time. One day, at a time.

Try, beloveds. It is all in the try. Once I finally, finally, FINALLY understood this, the whole planet opened it’s heart before me.

No longer do I worry about who likes this peace. I no longer lament about who may or may not respond to that one. Sure, I want folk to be blessed. If they are not, well, I gave them the best darned me I could serve up.

Some days, I may be too spicy. Other days, I may be too bland. Sometimes, I may be perfectly blended. Other times, I may end up a hot goulash mess. I can promise, though, I have given it my all. This is enough. For me. Hopefully, for you. If not, that’s okay. It was all in the try, anyway.

Go for it.

GO.

NOW!

Life is short. You do NOT go alone. God and Life WILL show you how. In the meantime, let’s learn together, shall we?

Don’t let your age, whether young or old, keep you from keeping on. Embrace the hard. I like to say I eat hard from breakfast. I no longer run from hard. I no longer worry about how much it is going to hurt. It shall. It is just the way life is, sometimes.

Don’t let your fear stop you, either. If need be, drag your fear into the shower and drown it. Step out of the shower, into your day, and run down your dreams until they cry ‘uncle’.

Don’t be afraid to rise, beloveds, from your chair. Like a boxer, rising from their corner, RISE, tap your gloves and start landing some haymakers. I fight alongside you.

We got this.

God has got us all.

throwing hands with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Building my dream outloud: Don’t be afraid to lose your seat.

I’m getting old, beloveds. Yep, 54 years young, am I.

I don’t feel old. I still feel like I am 25. My outside is telling me ‘gurl, you look like you 75!’…hahahahaha!!

The older I get, the more I want to try. I didn’t used to feel this way. Truth be told, in my 40s, I was scared to death of moving out of my comfort zone. I told myself I was ‘waiting on God’. Ha! I wish more folks would STOP prophelying on God.

Folk will lament, if it be thy will, God this. And, if you so want me to do this, that and the other thing, God. Yes, we are to seek counsel. Yes, we are to be prudent. Yes, we are to go to God, first. Yet, He also tells us to ask. He also says we have not because we have not and to ask so our joy would be full.

God is not served to have a bunch of fearful, toiling folk running around afraid to live out loud and blaming Him for things not happening. I had to tell my own self to shut up, already, as I was lecturing God and giving Him my two cents for why I was still where I was.

Many, many, many times I had folk who encouraged me to brush up my resume, go for different promotions, do things I KNOW I was beyond qualified and capable of. I even used the death of my mom to keep me bound. Yes, her death affected me. Profoundly.

Yet, I was struggling with fear of moving forward, long before mom passed away. In fact, she encouraged me to pursue my writing. I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid I would succeed. I was afraid if I got out of my chair I would lose another chair. Like musical chairs: I was afraid I would be the one old lady left standing. I was terrified life would laugh at me and tease me for being DUMB ENOUGH to have given up my comfortable, known, easy to stay in, chair.

Secretly, I longed to take a leap of faith. I yearned to get up and run just to see what happens. I was afraid I would lose my seat. I watched my peers, take the leap, and land, on their feat. I watched as they took a new seat. I watched them grow.

It’s not that I did not also grow. I did. I have. I still do. The thing is, beloveds, I have outgrown my pot. My flowers are blooming all over the place. They are starved to be re-potted. Replanted. Re-imagined and ever other Re there is.

I am listening. I am no longer afraid. I am running out of time. Or, I may have 20 more years. I have no idea. Which is why I rise, now, in search of a dream. My writing dream. MY way. My way, may not pan out. My way, may take me on a long journey. My way, may take me on a weekend jaunt.

All I know, is I KNOW I need to get a move on. My writing dream is outrunning me. She refuses to wait one more second for me. She laughs and tells me to catch up already. We have The Grand Canyon to see, experience and to write about.

Ah, beloveds, I have NO idea how I am going to get there. But, I am out of my seat and running the race set before me. I am enjoying the stretch of muscles. I appreciate the gasping lungs. I laugh at the old, fat, worn out fingers who are racing across these keys in search of my dream.

I search not for a better life, however. My life could not be better. I have learned to BE. Me. I have learned I am loved. I have finally understood I am not alone. How much better could life get?

Ah.

Aha!

I have asked the right question, have I not? Now, I await for God and Life to whisper and give up Their Secrets.

In the meantime, beloveds, it is time for you to get on up out of your comfortable chair. It is time, well past time, for you to live, with INTENTION. It is time for you to stop allowing your fears to hold you back. It’s okay to be afraid. Take the fear with you. Run your fears to God and Life and leave it with Them. Keep doing so until you realize you have nothing to fear given that you are loved and that you are not alone.

Take care. I wish I had more time to spend with you. I don’t. My writing dream has taken off and I have gone in search of her. Hopefully, I shall find her standing next to my ocean-front home or next to a pot of gold waiting to be deposited into my bank account….hahahahahhaha!

Be encouraged.

Take care.

Laugh at yourself.

Forgive yourself for being afraid to try.

Then, TRY.

Just, TRY.

Your TRY is ALL God and Life requires. Try, then let THEM be concerned about the outcome.

in hot pursuit of my writing dreams,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Forgive the amount of pieces. I have no idea who needs which piece of encouragement. I dare not hold them until tomorrow. I don’t know how many tomorrows I have why I give ALL I have today. I leave everything on the field, as they say. Besides, it takes a handful of oyster crackers to top off a good bowl of ghoulash.πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ