Category: Writing

Blooming: From the inside out.

Something is happening.

Deep inside.

I feel as though I am blooming.

Now, I want my outside to reflect my inside.

I am trying not to be too hard on me. About this scuffed up version of me, on the outside.

There are days I look at this old, run down body, in mini despair. I despair I will ever get her back in shape. Purring, shiny, ready to take the road, again.

That I could be that freshly new version, of me. Not this old, worn out, jalapi kind of me.

That I could be the off the show room new, version of me. Not this refurbished, used car version of me.

That I had that cute little tree smelly thing hanging from newly polished glass. Not this tired, used up, empty glade thingamajig.

Still, I AM blooming, from the inside out. Just need to cut myself some slack, as the rest of me catches up.

One day, though, I shall come roaring out of the drive. Top down, polished like new. I shall rev my over hauled engine. I shall mash my foot to the floor board. I shall be freshly painted. I shall have that new car smell again.

Then, ah world, I shall adjust the rearview mirror, tip my head, ever so slightly to the left, let out a whoop of laughter, and shall be off.

Where shall I go?

Who knows?

Who cares?

In the meantime, I daydream. In the meantime, I keep loving me, still, this tired old jalapi, as I keep blooming from the inside out.

growing even when it’s dark out,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s no how you start. It’s how you finish. It’s all in the try. Keep trying…..

Keep throwing hands.

Life ain’t playing with me.

Ha!

I ain’t playing with Life, neither!

*Cassandra flings another haymaker grief’s way*

Grief ain’t playing with me.

I ain’t playing with grief, either!

Ha!

*Cassandra pops fatigue upside the head*

Fatigue ain’t playing with me.

I ain’t playing with fatigue, neither!

Ha!

*Cassandra flattens despair, and walks away with hands in the air*

handlin’ hard bidnezz,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: There are just some days, beloveds, where you have got to let life, grief, fatigue, despair, and all the other things that come up, KNOW you ain’t about that quittin’ life. Ha! Go on ahead, beloveds, with yo bad selves!

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!

Keep going.

You got this.

God and Life has us all.

I asked Life.

I asked Life, why it had to be so damned hard.

Life looked at me, in compassionate silence.

I asked God, why He had to be so frustratingly silent when Life was being so blasted hard.

God looked at me, in Compassionate/Companionable Silence.

I listened, to Their Silence.

I sat with Them, through the silence.

I grew.

I asked Life…

I asked God…

asking still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Sometimes you just have to shut it.

Sometimes you just have to shut it.

Shut, your mouth.

Shut down, the doubt.

Shut out, the anxiety.

Shut away, some courage.

Shut up, the fear.

Shut it.

Shut your mouth from spouting the utter nonsense that you won’t make, that you can’t take it.

You CAN.

You WILL.

I know, it can get awfully tough from scaling the same stupid mountain EVERY day. EVERY DAY!

It is the every dayness that gets to me, every now and again. Mostly, I can keep it moving. There are days, like just before holidays, where I want to kick the whole blasted world, to the curb, and hide within a box of Lucky Charms.

Luckily for me, I had just bought a box. Unluckily, for me, I had just bought a box.

One empty Lucky Charms box later, I found myself in a huge argument, with me no less, regarding this dumb, stupid, writing dream/game/torment/obviouslyIamnodamngoodanyway! thing to get my three pieces started so I can post them for tomorrow.

OBVIOUSLY, I told myself, what the world is the point when folks didn’t bother to read yesterday’s pieces!??!!

Shut it, I told the empty Lucky Charms box. It’s all in the try, remember?

Being as empty Lucky Charms box could NOT dispute the charges, it flung intself, headlong, into the awaiting garbage can. Shutting the lid, in satisfaction, I got about getting about it.

Sometimes, beloveds, you just have to shut it.

keeping it shut,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: If I wasn’t sooooooooooooooooooooooooo weary with waiting on a dream that must have stopped off at someone else’s place, I would have told you to keep on keeping on. If I wasn’t so blasted annoyed with God AND Life, I would have told you to focus on all you have already accomplished and try not to get too frustrated at what has not yet happened. Yea, if I had not been so over it, already, I would have told you to remember you are loved and you are not alone. Since, I am all those things, plus toss in some missing mom something awful on this almost Memorial Day weekend, all I shall say are but these words:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

Run towards, not away, from.

Run towards, not away, from, your dream.

Run towards, not away, from, love.

Run towards, not away, from, anticipation.

Running towards, is exhausting. It takes all you got. Then you have GOT to give more.

Running towards, is hard. It requires getting after it long after you get up and go has gone up and quit.

Running towards, is exhilarating. Like Forrest Gump reminds, it’s like a box of chocolate. You just never know what you are gonna get.

So, get a goin’, beloveds.

Run.

RUN!

Your dreams are waiting for you to catch up.

Hurry up, now.

NOW!

Life ain’t waiting on any of us.

Strive.

Hard.

Whew.

You got this!

Almost there.

Stretch.

Reach out!!

Keep going!

Keep going!!!!

Can’t you see?!

Right THERE.

It’s over there, beloveds!

Where?

Great question.

Keep running…

running with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Wombie.

*sigh*

Nuff said.

Me

Note: Some days, only a wombie can understand a sigh…*sigh*.

I love you, wombie. More than you will ever know.

#YourLIfeMattersToMe

Mom days.

Mom.

Mom.

Mom.

Nuff said.😥

Cassandra #YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Some days, only the sound of your mom’s voice will help. Today, is just one of those days. Crap. Miss you mom…

Keep going…

Don’t be afraid to say you are afraid.

I’m afraid.

Afraid I will never be, all God and Life hopes, I shall be.

I’m afraid.

Afraid, I will never be, all I hope, I shall be.

I’m afraid.

Afraid, I will never be.

Ah.

Aha!

I’m afraid, I shall NEVER be afraid to admit to having been afraid.

Alas, fear does NOT rule me, I’m afraid.

No, fear shall NEVER have me, I fear.

Shall I fear?

Afraid not.

Will I give up?

I fear not.

Must not I fear the world’s scorn at my fear?

‘Fraid not.

For, I am loved.

Just as I am.

This is enough.

I am no longer afraid.

I am no longer to say, outloud, when I am afraid.

I fear I may have chased off fear.

Too bad.

I shant miss you, fear.

free,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t be too hard on you, beloveds. All of us have things that go bump in the night.

Memorial Day: The boogie man hides in holidays.

Yikes!

I found myself soooooooooooooooo out of sorts, today. Work stuff. Life stuff. Work tech stuff. Life acting a fool stuff.

It started out with me scaring the hooey out of myself, for a few minutes, after checking my bank account. After I came to, I got some act right and rushed to get in The Father’s Lap and let Him know I was scared. Briefly. Loudly. For quite a few minutes. Then, I called sis in the middle of the night and eventually shared my scare with her.

Then, tried to log onto work and my work station asked me what the fuss was all about so had to fight with it to get working.

THEN, whilst fighting with my workstation, my main overhead workstation light chose the moment to go out. Poof. Leaving the room, leaving me, in partial darkness, worn out, exhausted from having been scared half to death by the boogie man, content after having booted said boogie man from the room, and got things going.

Things got going. Workstation got to working. Folks got to yakking, remotely, sharing all of their Memorial Day plans. It was enjoyable hearing about mom’s doing this with daughters. I laughed hearing daughters talking about and rolling their eyes at their mom’s outlandish life requests.

Then, ah, beloveds, the boogie man showed up. Right there. THERE amongst the laughs and holiday mom photos. he laughed at my lonely. he taunted me I would ALWAYS be here, alone, incessantly yakking at folks to love loved ones still here. All the while being alone, still. Still. Still, waiting.

I snatched the boogie man, from amidst the laughter and smiles and told him to go on ahead and take two seats. Then, I went back to cutting up with coworkers blessed to have mom, still. Dad, still. Me, to laugh with, still.

Now?

I am shaken. Not stirred. I grilled some deliciously delicious top sirloin and made sandwiches. I am going to reheat my coffee and spend the evening bingewatching movies with mom. Yes, I have to lover her a new way but we still love one another. Just from much farther away. Ah, beloveds, she’s super far away, today. Here, in the silence. Miss you mom.

Enjoy your life. Tell the boogie man to kick rocks and take two seats. Then:

Live.

Love.

Laugh.

You got this. God has us all.

For those who are alone, for whatever the reason, know you are NOT alone and you are loved. You are.

His and yours,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Landmines: When the boogie man shows up.

Life can appear to be super scary.

Especially when the boogie man arrives, disguised as circumstances and scares the hell out of us with his tales of imminent disaster and destruction.

Yea, boooooooooooooooy, the boogie man can be absolutely terrifying, seemingly so, whispering talkes of woe and cackling to watch out for the landmines!

BOOM.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Stomping about, the boogie man can be found hooting and hollering and high fiving fear, anxiety, doubt and ALL of their friends.

Whooping and laughing it up, they dance around whilst waving bills, inflation, lonely, loneliness, relationships, failed relationships, deals, failed deals, unfulfilled dreams, unasked for trauma and circumstances.

We can manuever, deftly, amongst these things when we are not tired. When life is not already beating us about this and kicking our tails about that. We can throw haymakers if we don’t also have to deal with all we already have to exhaustively deal with on the daily.

So, when the boogie man shows up, scaring the holy bejeez out of us, with landmines buried on God knows where….??

Huh.

Hmmm…

Only God knows where…..ah.

Aha!

*Cassandra tells the boogie man to go on ahead and take two seats. She trusts God. HE KNOWS where ALL the landmines are. HE protects. HE guides. HE provides. HE loves. HE is Faithful. HE is Relentless. HE is Forgiving. HE safeguards. HE blesses. HE hugs. HE lives. HE saves. HE adds to. HE takes away. HE allows. HE…..hehe….Cassandra lays down, in the boat, whilst the storm rages, lays her head on an already asleep Jesus who KNOWS all SHALL make it to the other side.*

resting after removing the boogie man from the room,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s okay to have been scared by the boogie man, beloveds. Circumstances, if we let them, can be enough to turn your hair white almost instantaneously. The trick is to go get Your Dad, when the bully shows up. You don’t have to fear or fight the bully, alone. You are NOT alone. You are loved. Be encouraged. Don’t be so hard on yourselves when you fall flat on your face. Don’t give it much thought when your act right is acting up a bit, still. Change/growth takes time. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time. That’s okay. It took you a lifetime to screw up so spectacularly. Admirable, don’t you think, how wonderfully we can wreck a thing. All on our own. Yet, God and Life loves us, will help us, will guide us, will be with us THROUGH the light, in the dark. Where ever we find ourselves, we got this. God has us all. How much safer/loved can we be?

Have an awesome weekend.