I have been asking myself these questions for 54 years….*shrug*.
Will probably be asking this same question 46 years from now…*shrug*.
I just know that I do.
And, I just want you to know that I care about you, beloveds.
Why should YOU care, you ask?
*shrug*…heck if I know. I just do.
Not sure if MY care means anything to YOU.
I just know that YOUR LIFE MATTERS TO ME.
‘Nuff said.
Maybe, if more folks cared about others as me this world be as divided and acting a fool the way that it is.
I have a question for YOU, beloveds.
Why do you care?
WHY do you care?
Why do YOU care?
Why do you CARE?
The answer to these questions may change your life. The answer to these questions may help you change my life. The answer to these questions may help you change the lives of countless of others. Starting with your own.
They are either rinsed and ready to be put in the dishwasher. Or, found sitting in hot sudsy water waiting to be handwashed. Sadly, the hot sudsy water finds itself turned into cold, pitiful, no longer sudsy icky goo I ain’t sticking my hands in….*shiver*.
So, I find myself dumping out said ew, either starting AGAIN…*sigh*…with hot sudsy water, determined to get these blasted things washed. Only, to turn back into cold, pitiful, I ain’t sticking my hands in that cold grey matter ooze.
To make matters worse, now the dishes have really piled up as of course I have eaten and added more dirty dishes to the pile.
Our habits, though, will tell on us. Thankfully, I have been cultivating and making out with good habits. Have kicked my old lover, old habits, to the curb. Alas, old habits are hard to break. Or, so they try and tell me.
Yet, even old habits can be helpful. Their re-entry signals that something may, and is, amiss. After sitting down and having a super long chat with old habits, we both agreed that I was covering up missing my mom and hiding in an old familiar cave of “suck it up buttercup”. Decided to leave the cave and give myself permission and space to just…miss her.
Not in a melancholy way. But, a she sure was fun and a good person kind of way. I let sad join me and grief and we shared some tears, some laughs, some decaf(another story for another post) and had a good time. So much so that Jesus brought mom and we all had some great laughs.
Then, new habits and I did what was needed:
Took out the trash.
Washed the dishes.
Exercised a bit.
Wrote a bit.
Chillaxed a bit.
A bit, at a time, I found my heart warming, once again. Basking, in the sunlight of honesty, tears, truth, trust, hope and love.
Trust, in God. Trusting enough to share how much life was hurting.
Trust, in Life. Trusting enough to let Life know how much not being able to do as my heart longs to do was hurting.
Trust, in ME. Trusting enough to let myself be honest with my heart, with myself. Trusting enough to admit that I was already in the dark place and space I was desperately trying to work away, distract away, sleep away, all manner of away. Until, I allowed myself to speak the truth outloud:
Father, I am in a dark place. I am in a dark space. I don’t know how. I don’t know what. I don’t know when. Not knowing is the problem. Yet, You are The Answer.
*Cassandra climbs down from The Father’s Lap, after having shared her heart, and got on with the getting on of life*
What’s the moral of the story, you ask?
You tell me. I don’t have time. I have dishes to wash. Let me know your thoughts, eh?
rejoicing even in grief,
Cassandra
P.S. I love you mom. I miss you. Be well, my queen….*sigh*.
Note: Don’t allow hard times, sad times, mad times, or any other times to keep you from keeping on. Keep doing you. Rest, when you need to. Cry, when you need to. Be sure and pack plenty of joy, though, in your day. We get but one go around this joint called life. Live. Love. Laugh. I love me some you. Love me back, wouldja please/thanks? Asking for a Friend.
*Cassandra turns away from the mirror and gets on with getting on with it.*
Waiting can be sooooooooooooo:
Frustrating!
Need I say more?!
Ack!
Waiting, sans coffee can be soooooooo:
Frustrating!
*stamps foot*
I feel like my now defunct Kuerig:
Empty.
Non-functioning.
Useless.
I have all these kpods, now homeless. Angrily, my kpods stare at me wondering what they are supposed to do now?!
*Cassandra shrugs and tells the kpods they appear to be in the same waiting boat as she*
I would dearly love to wax poetic and write cleverly about how the kpods are a metaphor to life.
However, the urge to toss the now useless kpods out the window is over powering the need to be poetic and encouraging.
Thinking of the now defunct Kuerig, Cassandra’s brow furrowed in frustration. Which led to arms flinging themselves upon Cassandra’s hips. Not to be outdone, Cassandra’s head haughtily lifted itself to show it’s displeasure.
*Not wanting to get into more trouble, Cassandra hastily borrowed fingers and tapped out an emergency instant coffee ☕ order.*
Outraged by the thought of instant coffee, Cassandra’s palette decided to go on strike.
LOL.
That said, waiting patiently is important.
Waiting patiently is crucial.
Anxious waiting only leads to anxiety and gives doubts access to ALL of your piece of mind.
While you wait for whatever it is you are waiting for:
I try to get her to forget about her ache but she won’t quit me. No, she won’t leave me alone.
I try to hide, from her lonely, from her sad.
If truth be known, beloveds, if I slow down I may find out that her sad really is my own.
I dare not slow down long enough to find out.
To be continued.
I think.
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Keep reaching out, beloveds. Keep loving folk. Starting with yourself. Especially with yourself. Also, know that you are NOT your emotions. You have them. They are a part of you. Yet, you are so much more than how you feel.
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings but not to be led around by them. Those puppies will have you every which way but loose if you are not careful. It’s why I am ‘writing it out’ as my wombie told me to do.
I wish I had enough me to go around so I could encourage and care for the whole world. I can’t. So, I pray to He who CAN and DOES love the whole wide world. Be encouraged…
My heart: I am TIRED of getting stepped on!! Ow!!!
Me: Who has stepped on you now.
My heart: Well…..hmm….*shrug*….I dunno. Just know life hurts so much now.
Me: What can I do?
My heart: That’s the problem. I don’t know what to do with YOU. You are running round, to and fro. Trying to DO this. Straining to BE that. And, you are yanking me with. It does not feel good, dontchaknow.
Me: So, what can I do? For, YOU?
My heart: That’s the problem. YOU can’t give me what I need, right now.
Me: What do you need?
My heart: Care.
Me: I care, as much as I can. Just does not seem to be enough, right now. Am missing mom something terribly and that makes me harder on you.
My heart: *sigh*
Me: *sigh*
Me: Let’s go sit with The Father.
My heart: Okay.
*Cassandra tucks her heart into her pocket, climbs onto The Father’s Lap, lays her head on His Shoulder and tells Him all about her sad. He understands. Whispering in her ear where only she could hear, The Father shared words of care, concern and love*
To be continued.
I think.
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Sometimes, you just don’t know what you just don’t know. Keep sharing. Keep trying. Keep going. Even, when it’s hard. Especially, when it’s hard.
It was supposed to be a triumphant piece. A piece where I ended up slaying this dragon, chasing away that goblin. Basically, by the end of the tale, I would have vanquished every foe. Yea, I was going to do the mike drop from being satisfied with encouraging the whole blasted world.
I was going to take a bow, take two seats and have a victorious cup of coffee.
Speaking of which…..scuse me for a minute….
*screams of agony and anxt could be heard as Cassandra wailed, moaned and travailed over her now defunct Kuerig machine*
Coffee-less, Yes-less, and still living in a world full of yet, I have found myself, yet, again, in the land of what the world going on around here?
It has been silent, the past few days. I just now realized I had stopped playing my music. Am trying to figure out when my music stopped which caused me to stop playing my music.
Ah.
Aha!
Easter is coming.
It’s almost here.
Easter is hard for me. Easter was one of mom’s fave holidays. I thought I would be okay without her this year. Year 6….*sigh*. It feels like the first one without her. I thought time would make things easier. Make her loss easier to bear. It hasn’t.
The passage of times just seems to make the holidays a bit harder. It seems like time just laughs at me, around the holidays. Time taunts me and jeers at me wondering why I am still stuck in this missing mom type of place when the holidays come around.
It’s hard to hide my lonely and my grief around the holidays. Holiday days echoes so loud for those who have lost loved ones. Holidays, it appears, were only meant for those who are a part of a family. For those who are without…*sigh*.
On days like today, I used to call mom. And, she would ALWAYS say “Everything is going to be alright”. The way she said it, I ALWAYS believed it. Even on the toughest of days. On those super hard days, just knowing I could call my mama and have her tell me everything would be okay made the toughest days doable.
I can’t call her now…*sigh*.
I also used to love laying on her tummy. Mama had a Buddha tummy. Nice, warm and super plumpy. I would climb my too old self on her bed and lay my head on her tummy. She would laugh and the rumble would make her tummy tumble deliciously against my tired cheek.
I need a mama’s tummy.
I need a mama’s “Everything will be alright”.
The silence is defeaning.
I find myself wandering, today.
Away, from the silence.
Towards, mama.
Mama, where are you….
wandering,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: For those struggling with loss, losses, or just struggling, hang in there. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Acknowledge that you feel and know that it truly is okay to not be okay until you find yourself okay again. Be encouraged. You are not alone. Days like today…whew…*Cassandra climbs on The Father’s Lap and whispers how very much she misses her mama’s tummy…*sigh*
I used to think I had to move the whole thing. In one fell swoop.
Some can.
Some do.
I used to compare myself to the big earth movers.
Not anymore.
I am content.
Here.
Home.
Financially barely scraping by. The bills grow larger as my check grows smaller.
That matters not to me.
Not anymore.
I used to define myself by how long, how hard, how devotedly I worked for God, for Life, for others.
Not anymore.
Now, I KNOW my try is enough.
For, God.
For, Life.
For, me.
No, it’s apparently not enough for some.
The world wants to run me ragged.
Some folk want me to run myself ragged.
For, them.
Removing THEIR mountains.
For years, decades even, I tried my best to remove as many of folks mountains as I could.
In between that, I tried to remove a bit of my own. Yet, was sooooo exhausted from doing THEIR WORK I did not have the energy for my own.
Thankfully, God and Life cared enough about ME and gently pried the shovel from my weary hand.
They taught me how to rest. Then, taught me to just work on removing one pebble at a time.
I started with fear. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step.
Until, I had cleared the path. Only to discover anxiety right behind. Boy, THAT anxiety mountain was a beast to clear.
Yet, clear I did. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step.
Until, I had cleared a path. Only to discover doubt right behind.
Yet, I continue to clear…
One pebble.
One step.
Keep going, Cassandra. You can do this.
You CAN.
You WILL.
moving mountains one pebble at a time,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Keep being you, beloveds. Keep doing you. The best you can. That’s ALL that is required. Yea, that mountain may be huge but it CAN be moved. One pebble. One step…..
I just wish I KNEW what in the fresh egads what I am supposed to be DOING WITH THE LAST HALF OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
Ack!
Fresh goodnight!!
54 and counting.
54 and counting…
Good crimeny, beloveds. I feel like a bloody cursor on a blank computer screen!!!!
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting to find out what in the world to type next.
Waiting to find out what to DO next.
I am so tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want God to hurry.
I want Life to hurry.
*stamps foot*
Okay, I don’t want Them to hurry.
Not really.
I don’t want a half baked dream, you know.
Yet.
See!?
There is that stupid YET, yet again…
*sigh*
I keep running into yet. Could have sworn I had heard Him say yes.
Yet.
Yet…
I am soooooooooooooooooooo feeling like Clark Kent, these days. The days feel as though they are laughing at me. Taunting me. Keeping my dreams just out of my reach. I want to tell the days to go ahead and kick some rocks and leave me alone.
To find myself, yet again, waiting, waiting, waiting for my yet to be turned into yes.
My cape is waiting, Father.
WHEN will You allow me to do me some me how I would want to try and do me? I don’t know if I will succeed. I just want to try. My try is getting on my last nerves banging on my heart’s door. Demanding to be seen, heard and able to do what it wants to do.
Let me try, God.
I just want to try.
Let me try, Life.
I just want to try.
Open, for me.
Finally.
*Cassandra puts on her Clark Kent glasses and keeps on keeping on*
Fresh egads.
Waiting still.
Still, waiting.
waiting whilst being still,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Hang in there. Am saying this as much to myself as to you. The older I get, seems like time wants to mess with my chicklets(mentals). Yet, God and Life has built in enough time for me to do what I can and shall.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 