I was born with a yippeee inside me. I know. I know. It seems strange. It IS strange. Even to me. Especially, to me.
An actual yippeee. I will be minding my own, when a burst of, I don’t know, joy, or SOMETHING will tickle my heart and a yippeee would just come out. Out loud! 🤷♀️
Yippeee!
See?! 😱🤷♀️
The yippeee never left. Still here. Making me laugh. Making me wonder. Where did they come from? Why did God and Life make me soooooo darned serious, yet ridiculous all at the same time?
Why do I enjoy thinking the most dumbest things, followed by the simply profound? 🤷♀️
I stopped wondering, aeons ago, and now just enjoy the yippeee when they come. They are my friends. They are a reminder that no one on earth could EVER replace my goofness. Dear Lord why would they?…hahahahahaha!!
Why do I even bring this up, you ask? Great question. I think it’s because I see so many folks who are living their lives hiding their ‘yippppeee’. That thing, quirk, way of being that gives them joy. Yet, that same thing, quirk, way of being seems to bring those same folks fear and shame from being that thing, quirk, way of being.
I reckon that stems from folks looking askance or disapproving or…well you know how folks can get when others don’t do or act as THEY think one ought or should.
If you ask me, beloveds, I think folks who try to bottle up others yippeees is because they are afraid of their own! Or, they may fear what others may think of their yipppeee.
So, I thought I would expose my yippeee. In hopes that you may expose YOUR yippeee. And that may give others the courage to expose THEIR yippeee. Before you know it, this place may be filled with joyful, free yipppeeees! How great would that be?!!
YAAAAAAAASSSS!!
YYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE!💃🤣❤🥰…*hugs self*…
*Cassandra does a delicate and quiet jig*…must mind the downstairs neighbors…*whispers a few tasteful yippees*
2021 has been awfully turbulent. Heck, 2020 was worse, if that’s possible….*shiver*.
Changes. Changes. Changes.
Trying to learn from, grow through, trying NOT to hide from, the changes, has not been the easiest thing I have done in my 53 years.
I have come far. Yet, seems like I have gotten nowhere. Worse, it FEELS like, I have gone backwards. Some days, yall, will be honest, I want to run backwards. Back THERE. It was safe there, I lie to myself. Yes, I know. I KNOW. It wasn’t safe. It was a prison. Yet, a prison I was familiar with.
I KNEW my jailor. Fear. We were on intimate terms. We, each, knew, what the other would do, be, if given the chance to do or be. Fear, kept me, well, afraid. Bound. And, I was bound and determined, to do the ‘best I can’ whilst bound. I did the ‘best I could’ to pretend I wasn’t REALLY bound. I COULD do and be SOME things. Maybe, not the things that God and Life meant for me. but, could be, a bit of this, a tad bit of that. That would/could be enough couldn’t/wouldn’t it?
Of course, and eventually, living that way, er, existing, that way wasn’t a life at all. Yet, it was a life I knew. I could do that life, in my sleep. I decorated my prison walls, best I could, and did my best to make the best of things, the best of me, behind those walls.
Life was never meant to be LIVED behind walls of fear. God and Life has presented an AWESOME life if we but just take the chance, on us, on life, on Life, on God, on others, on dreams, on hopes, and on and on.
Living, it seems, keeps on presenting maddening paradoxes and dilemmas. The more we live, the more we TRY, the more we give, the more we hope for, the more we long for. Well, it just seems to make the longer hurt longer, makes the trying more trying, makes the hoping more, which makes us hope more, which makes the longer more, which makes the waiting more:
Aggravating.
Long.
Long.
LONGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How long is this going to take, dammit??!!!!!!!!!!
*Cassandra gets ready to throw another Cassandra tantrum but smells some awfully tasty chili telling her to chill already, in the background*….oppss…..sorry, Chili, shall get back to gettin’ after it…*sigh*.
This faith walk, this TRY walk, this LIVE walk, inevitably leads us to one place, THE place. A very important place. Slowly, excruciatingly, inexorably, we are led to the point of no return.
THE POINT OF NO RETURN!
*gasp*.
In flying, its the place, in the flight, where there is just enough fuel, to get to one’s destination. But, there is not enough fuel to turn around and go back from whence the flight began…*gasp*. How terrifying is THAT thought?! I looked up the term ‘point of no return’ and this is the definition I found from Dictionary.com:
Aviation. the point in a flight at which an aircraft will lack sufficient fuel to return to its starting point.
the critical point in an undertaking, decision-making process, etc., where one has committed oneself irrevocably to a course of action or policy.
What do we DO then, beloveds, when we want to turn around, to head back, to the ‘easy’? We keep going. We keep moving, FORWARD. We keep growing, KNOWING, the best is yet to come.
In these times, we MUST trust The Pilot. We can’t get to worrying about the stability of the plane. We done took off already. We can’t flip out about what supplies we have. We done took off already. We can’t fret about how far we have yet to go. We done took off already. We can’t berate ourselves for waiting so long to start the trip. We done took off already.
ALL we can do, beloveds, is to trust The Pilot. We SHALL make it. We SHALL. It’s NOT, our job, to worry about the headings. It is NOT, our place, to steer the plane. It’s NOT, on us, to know all the ins and outs and dos and don’ts of the journey.
ALL we must do is to strap in and trust The Pilot. God and Life WILL get us where we need to go. Once landed, in new places, in new ages and stages, THEN we get to do the work of, well, doing the work.
Until then, beloveds, know, of a surety, that you are exactly where you are supposted to be, on this journey, your journey, called life. ALL has been taken into account. Our fears, our dumbness, our sameness, our willingness, our unwillingness. ALL of our ‘nesses’ have been worked into the flight plan, my flight plan, your flight plan.
So, grab a good book/puzzle, snatch up some peanuts and trust The Pilot.
Hey, mom. It’s me. Christmas is coming. Do you want to know something, mom? THIS year, I don’t find myself dreading it’s coming. THIS year, the coming of Christmas does not signify the coming of THE worst moment, of my life: The morning you left us.
Christmas used to be my fave holiday. I looked forward to it’s visit. The day Jesus, My Homie, My Bestie, was born. I used to yippppeee my way through December. Til the morning you decided to ‘give up the ghost’ as it were and run on out of here.
How very angry I was with you, mom. So, angry. HOW could you leave like that??!! What was I supposed to DO with the rest of this life you forced me to live, alone, without you?!
I’m no longer angry, mom. Sad, at times, yes. But, thankful, grateful of all that you left me with. I am my mom’s daughter. Proud to say that. I know you had your challenges and things that seemed to best you. Yet, you kept trying. I got my TRY from you, mom. Thanks for that.
Because of YOUR try, I now try, best as I can, to keep it moving. Without you.
I’m blasting my music, mom. Just as you did. Am singing badly, to those tunes mom, just as you did. I give my all, best as I know how, mom, just as you did.
As Christmas comes, for me, I welcome her, with open arms, for she holds you within hers. You shall come for me, also, with Christmas. I await your return.
your grateful daughter,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: It is my hope to offer just a bit of comfort, to those who have suffered a loss they don’t think they can live with or beyond. You CAN. You WILL. It takes a willingness to allow your heart to grieve. They say time heals all wounds. Time won’t help, one lick, if you are not willing to go through in order to get to the other side. Most folks are afraid to ‘go through’. They don’t know if they can get through, don’t know HOW to get through, some not sure if they even want to. That said, beloveds, the ONLY way to get through this is to….well, just get through it, dammit, best you can. Hold on. Hang on. Scrape by. Scream through. Cry through. Pray through. Stomp through(delicately if neighbors be near). However, nevertheless, in spite of, because of. Just keep going. One step. Then another. Then another. Until, you can await your Christmas. Maybe, not with anticipation, or joy, just yet. But, at least, upright and hopeful. Til then, I pray….
I did not FEEL like, singing the sun WILL come out tomorrow.
I sang, the sun WILL come out tomorrow.
Dammit!
I need tomorrow’s sun to go on ahead and come out……TODAY!!!
*Cassandra stomps around delicately, mindful of the neighbors…crap…dammit…pout….dammit!!…*
I know. I know!
Things WILL get better.
My/our dreams WILL come true.
Life WILL get easier.
The sun….DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!
Whew! I just HAD to get that off my chest, beloveds.
Living, TRULY living, can get awfully tough. The time, in between, the seeing of the thing, to the BEING of the thing, can be, well, dammit, it can be:
Exhausting.
Frustrating.
Maddening.
Frightening.
Discouraging and every other ‘ing’ one can think of.
So, what do we DO with us, with our hearts, when we are feeling, BEING this way?
We can not:
Hide.
Give up.
Give in.
Run away.
Go backwards.
We can NOT give up on:
Ourselves.
Our, dreams.
Our, hopes.
Love.
Each other.
God.
Life.
We MUST:
Fight, on.
Keep, on.
Keep, going.
Through:
Tears.
Frustration.
Fear.
Depression.
Anger.
Irritation.
Discouragement.
Despair.
It’s okay, beloveds, to feel these things. Truly, it is. Go on ahead and have a tantrum, cry, mad, sad. Whatever it is you need to do, beloveds. Do it, then dammit, get back in the fight and sing at the top of your lungs……THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW.
Can I tell you a secret, beloveds? I delicious, life changing secret?? Okay, come real close, lean in here, to me. We can’t give the secret away to folks not ready for it. You ready? Here goes…
The sun is ALWAYS shining. Behind the clouds. It never left. It is STILL there, beloveds. Still, behind your circumstances. Still, behind your situations. Still, amidst ALL that is fighting with you. Through your darkest of darkness, the sun, The Son, The Father, Life, STILL is there. Fighting with and FOR you.
It’s okay, to be tired. It’s okay to WANT to give up, to give in. Just can’t do those things. I shall happily cry, kavetch, cut up and act a fool with you. We SHALL get through, together, beloveds.
We CAN.
We WILL.
What did I end up doing, in the height of today’s mad, todays’ I just could give two damns, todays’s I don’t feel like doing this day? I got up, I am doing the damn day, I stormed delicately into the kitchen, and put on a pot of my now world famous chili and began singing, badly.
Ah!…..*Cassandra hugs self as the delicious smells of chili wafts by. Cassandra dances stunningly round the living room(my dream so I can dance how I want to. Don’t judge me). Cassandra awaits chili and tomorrow’s sun.*
Keep going, beloveds. Keep going. God and Life has got us. We shall look back on this time and laugh. Ha! I think not. This too, however, nevertheless SHALL pass.
The main thing, beloveds, is HOW you shall be, after the storm is over. This storm WILL pass. They all do. How shall you be? In a crumpled heap, defeated, alone, forever defeated and discouraged!?
Hell to the No!!!!!
Tell ALL the ings to go on head and kick rocks and make the damn chili.
I have been pondering, wondering what to make for Thanksgiving. Thought of all the traditional meals and just could not land on one that sounded satisfying, this year. This year has been different. I have been different. So, I figure may as well DO something different for Thanksgiving.
For some reason, chili kept coming to mind. I shushed it away. Yet, chili came back round. Told, chili to go on head and kick rocks so I could think of an ACCEPTABLE Thanksgiving meal. For some reason, beloveds, well, chili just REFUSED to leave me be!
Chili: I want to be eating for Thanksgiving. Why does it matter WHEN you eat me? Aren’t I tasty, regardless of when sampled?
Me: Well, yea, but Thanksgiving has already been reserved for turkey, ham, and the like. NOBODY eats chili for Thanksgiving!…*gasp*…
Chili: Why can’t you start a new ‘tradition’ and have what your heart wants to have/eat?
Me: I’m not supposed to.
Chili: Says who?
Me: Hmm…*shrug*…have not the first clue. Just how Thanksgiving be, I imagine.
Chili: How about reimagining Thanksgiving? What would happen if you enlarged your thinking, opened your heart, to new experiences and let me come visit on Thanksgiving?
Me:…hhhm….brb…
*Cassandra heads for the kitchen and chili fixings*…
*smells of chili, loud clanging, banging, and caterwalling going on as Cassandra sings awful badly to tunes whilst rustling up a delish pot of chili…for Thanksgiving.
Rejoicing still,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Life is short, beloveds. Try something new. Try something old. Try…something. Just get on up, get on out there and TRY. You got this. We got this. Together. Keep going. I love me some you. 😊
Circumstances, dealt me some cards I did not wish to play.
Still, I choose, I chose, to stand.
Situations, mocked me, laughed in my face.
Still, I choose, I chose, to love.
The world, told me my efforts were in vain, told me to pack up and get gone.
Still, I choose, I chose, to care.
God and Life, remained silent, as circumstances, situations and the world dealt, mocked, and laugh. Still, I choose, I chose, to stand, to love, to care.
Yea, I know. I have completely broken the structure, the premise, the haiku.
Yet, I do so defiantly, triumphantly.
You see, I speak not only for me. But for other daughters who are missing moms. We feel, we ARE also broken, of structure, of heart for missing our mama, mum, mommy, mom.
I speak also, for sons, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, others. For all who feel disjointed, in need of the physical presence of a love, a loved one our faces shall never see this side of heaven.
I dare not say EVER. Ever is such an awfully big word, tonight. So, I choose to change the rules, in this MY haiku.
My heart understand. My heart cares not for structure, just now. My heart just wants to…
Ah, beloveds, this is the problem. My heart wants…
Holidays are rough. Especially Thanksgiving. Mom was a holiday person. Today was hard. Wanted to stay in bed and comfort eat. Alas, the bills won’t get paid that way. So, I put on my big girl panties, turned on the lights, and got on with it.
Am waiting for the day to end. Want to crawl in bed and comfort eat. Sounds like a plan. Yet, think I will just talk a bit with mom, instead. Then, I shall rise, again, tomorrow, and go through another day, without mom. Hopefully, tomorrow will be easier than today.
Keep going, all. We got this. Even on the hard, I don’t want to do this days. We got this…
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 