Have taken a break from streaming, long enough to grab a cup of joe and send a bit of cheer your way. Am getting up, for those who are too tired. Am having a cup, for those who don’t have the energy to make one.
I am chair dancing, for those who can’t quite hear the music anymore. I am singing, badly, for those who have temporarily lost their song.
Tough times truly do reveal who you are. This can be a good or a bad thing. Depending on how you look at it/things.
For the past little while, I have been hiding within my cave of comforters and Netflix. For, days. Days, I am telling you. Have been off work all week, due to system issues, so have spent the days streaming through Netflix, Hulu, HBOMax, Disney+.
I have ‘made it so’ with Picard, fighting Romulons, hiding from The Borg.
I have fought with the Avengers to render Thanos ash, keeping damage to a minimum(what in the fresh hell do these Avengers not understand about NOT destroying the ENTIRE city so folks can actually live there after the enemies have been vanquished).
I have romanced and been romanced, from sea to shining sea, with handsome knaves, brave knights, gentle doctors, cute bakers, cunning lawyers, saved the day/town by raising money for the library/festival and all manner of things small towns do that causes the big meanie corporate raider to fall in love with the fiery mistress of bakery/company being shut down.
I have kicked tail with Reacher to find out what all that animal feed was for…no spoilers here.
All whilst under covers, trying to work out all these why’s that have popped up:
Why, can’t I eat my chili.
Why, is food tasteless.
Why, do I have words in my heart, to share, yet feel hesitant to share them.
Why, do I hide from my daily blog reading, email checking, net surfing. etc(Okay, I know the answer to this one already. If I go back to my daily doings, means I will have moved forward and got on with living after losing my friend).
Why, sleep runs from me.
Why, restlessness has taken up residence in my heart.
I admit it. I am restless. Uncle. I admit it.
Since my young friend passed, my heart is so restless to do whatever the hell I am supposed to be doing with this old, black, tired, broke, busted and disgusted self called me.
LET ME BE ABOUT IT, DAMMIT!!!
I am shouting at God, at Life, now. No longer, shouting into the void. My heart, has become the void. It needs to be filled, now, with all that God and Life has for me. I struggle, now, beloveds, to fill the void with now. Right, now.
I struggle now, waiting for God, for Life, to fill me up with the now They have been trying to get me to live this whole time.
I am demanding, now. Not bearing God’s and Life’s silence, well, now.
“Get to it”, I shout at Them. I have done my part. Now, Yall do Yours. Be about it. Be about mine. Be about me.
So, whilst I wait, whilst I wonder, whilst I wander, in the meantime I do so beneath a mountain of comforters and comfort.
Munching on double chocolate chip cookies.
Making it so, with Picard.
Defeating Thanos, with The Avengers.
Munching on double chocolate chip cookies.
Marrying the town spinster, fighting with the corporate raiders, falling in love with the bull rider.
Rinse.
Repeat.
All while have not the first clue of why I still can’t eat this damned chili.
*Cassandra grabs up a handful of double chocolate, dives under her comforters and lets God and Life run the world*
THE END….I don’t think so! Ha!
Note: It’s ok to have no idea, no taste buds, no forecast for the future, no more chips(gasp). So long as, beloveds, you hold on, hold out, keep looking up, keep moving forward. This too, shall pass. It will. The important thing is making sure that YOU continue to say, live, love, grow and go.
You don’t have to know all, see all, be all things to all people. None of us can do this. ALL we can do is all we can do. That’s it. It’s a good thing that this is ALL that is required. That and a lifetime supply of coffee, bacon, and whatever manner of things you enjoy that helps you make it through when the very last thing you want to do is to make it through, to make it do what it do.
Keep going, beloveds. Even if you have to take a bit of a break. Look beyond the war without, the war within. Look beyond the fear. Look beyond the current boundaries taking up space in your life. Tell those things to go on head and kick rocks. And, if they stay. Well, use them to your advantage. Use the hard as tools to keep digging your way to the best gift you shall ever receive…
I admit it. Off top. Full disclosure. Had someone said to me, yesterday, these self same words I am about to share with you, today, I would have wanted to bop them one.
At the very least, would have wanted to dump two pounds of uneaten chili upon their Pollyanic head!
That said, the words have merit. Just, barely…lol.
Since my friend passed away, seems like my taste buds left with her. Or, my taste for life in general.
Or rather, the generalness, the sameness, the same stuff different day randomness of life has lost it’s appeal for me.
I want to KNOW what the point is to these words that God, that Life, that ME are always so damned fired up to share and impart.
What are the use of them!? What the hell use God, Life, of this old life called me? Why, did you leave me with much more when you took one so damned young away!!!!!!!!!!? Am angry about it. Still.
Her loss has my life seeming to be tasteless. Nothing tastes good. Nothing.
So, I sit here. Daily, wondering how to continue to chew on this tasteless thing called the rest of my life.
Too much fight in me, I find, for me not to fight.
Too much hope, in me, I find, for me not to be hopeful.
How, I ask God, I ask Life, do I find myself, still, looking ahead, looking towards, looking for, when such a blow has rendered my want to inoperable?
Yes, gotsto has to taken over, now. Gotsto made me get up and get out. Gotsto made me go through some do I have tos until I gotto the place of almost wanting to.
I found myself, texting a friend and asking if I could bring them some food, if I could grab a quick hug and then go. Not ready, no not yet, to be about being about it.
The ride was nice. Sun, shining. Music, blaring. My heart, sang. I admit. It shouldn’t have. Yet, my heart sang.
Hopeful.
Joyful.
Knowing it was on it’s way, to feed someone, which in turn, will feed me.
Food, delivered. Hug, given and received. Satisfied, my hunger subsides.
Subsides until, I find myself in need of another hug, some caring words, a shoulder, time spent being ministered to instead of ministering.
Until then, I shall continue to look for someone else who may be in need of a bite, for a bit of love, for a bit of care.
Chili, anyone? I make a great pot, if I do say so myself.
Here STILL,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. There are times when life is just not fair. There are times when we want to just say to hell with it all and leave all to where ever the hell it goes. There are times when life is tasteless. Yet, life is STILL good. Even when hard. If your plate is tasteless now…🤷♀️…that’s okay. Look beyond it. There IS joy and hope beyond ALL that you face. There is. We shall enjoy chili again. In the meantime, I have switched to chicken salad.🤣
Started, in fits and starts. More fits, than starts.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Since my friend passed, I just can’t get past, just can’t seem to get beyond, to get through, to the next thing.
I find myself staring, silently, at chili I can no longer eat.
I find myself staring, silently, at words I wonder if are now as useful as this now, two week old, uneaten chili.
I find myself staring at you, beloveds, wondering if my absence has been as unnoticed as this congealed chili.
I find myself staring at God and Life and asking what need have they of decades of words seemingly piled away, uneaten, in inboxes.
Words written, in the hope that folks might find their voices, that they might find a bit of laughter, hope, joy…SOMETHING within words written, from a heart in search of other hearts in need of care.
One dear heart, stopped beating at New Year’s end. Causing one heart to…
When mom passed, ALL I wanted to do was shout to the heavens to get folk to understand how precious life is and to not waste it or their voices. Needed folks to know how very much their voices mattered. That THEY mattered.
After this loss, THIS loss, I am at a loss.
Of, words.
Of,…🤷♀️
I am at a loss.
Period.
Unsure, of the next sentence.
Uncertain, of the next step.
Unable, to see beyond.
Unafraid, to embrace this unknown.
I am unfinished.
What do I do?
What do I DO?
What do I do with this unfinished chili called me?
*Cassandra stares at the fridge, listening to the mocking jeers from the uneaten chili, inside. Normally, the jeers would bring out the Ha! in her, the fight in her. Peering, inside her heart, Cassandra finds nothing but sadness and silence and closes the door. Turning away, from the mocking fridge, she let’s seeming defeat, have it’s way. Have, it’s say*
The kitty, it seems, has returned. Alas, she has never left. She has taken up residence, you see, within this heart of mine. She doesn’t roar. She rarely speaks. She is just…here.
With, me.
In, me.
For, me.
To my surprise, beloveds, she IS me.
Right now.
In these moments.
Moments of wondering what in the fresh hell am I to do with ME now???
The world, circumstances, situations, hard, harder, the what in the fresh hells have ALL had their say, had their way, in my life these past days.
In their wake, the kitty inside has been left to wander, to wonder, to live this life IN wonder. Unafraid. Undeterred. Curious.
I am in awe, of her. She pokes, at this. Muses, at that. She touches the things the tiger in me had been too afraid to contemplate, let alone face and then touch.
She pads her way, to the thing. Looks at the thing from all sides. Then, with NO fear, she bats it about. Between her tiny fingers. Knowing, she is safe. Knowing that God, that Life, has her back.
She is not angry about the happenings. She accepts that life will drop off many a happening and will give us the option of doing with it what we will.
I wish I was more like that kitty, I say quietly to Life, to God.
God: Beloved, you ARE that kitty!
Me: I am.
I AM!!
*Striding confidently to the fridge, Cassandra stares defiantly at the mocking chili. Reaching dramatically inside, Cassandra pulls out some sliced turkey and cheese*
Yea, it’s me. Not in rare form or raring to go. But, here. Now. Still.
Has been a tough go:
Fighting the good fight, digging through grief and who gives a damn. The who gives a damn side has been putting up such convincing arguments, lately.
Staring at freshly made chili that I STILL can not eat. Dammit!…*Cassandra stares at fresh chili wondering what in the fresh hell is keeping that damned lid on!*🤬
Going back to a work assignment that was not fun the first, second, third or tenth time around but one that must be done. Fresh hell.
Staring in the mirror at this stranger who appears to be me. Yikes! Egads!
Waiting, on…
Waiting, for…
Waiting, with…
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
My heart, has been waiting.
For, years.
For, decades.
For, what?
You got me. I have been asking THAT question for the past 30 years. Something inside just won’t let me go. Just won’t leave me be.
That SOMETHING, keeps motivating me to keep going, to keep giving, to keep loving, to keep trying. Won’t say why. Just keeps pushing me, forward. Pushing me, upward. Pushing me, through.
Ack!
Dammit!
All this pushing is working my nerves having NO idea what all the fuss has been and is for.
Me?
Others?
God?
Life?
Fresh hell!
Here I sit, in a cold car, tapping by phone’s light, trying to figure out the mystery of life, THIS life, whilst cold fries have long signalled their defeat in a wilted non eatable mess. I feel you, fries!
The phrase about the grass being greener, on the other side, comes to mind. Seems as though us dummy humans are forever imaging what life would/could be like ‘if only this’ or if only that’.
Apparently, those ‘if onlies’ will swoop in and make our lives ‘better’. Better than what? Don’t ask me. I had been just a big a dummy as everyone else in waiting for, yearning for, raging about, the greener grass. There, on the other side of the catastrophe called our boring lives.
We look around and gaze fondly, at the neighbor’s yard. We gawk at how big, how beautiful, how plentiful, THEIR path of grass, appears to be.
What’s worse is we then look upon OUR particular, peculiar, old, dusty, spotty, non-growing, small, teeny, tiny, never-going-to-amount-to-anything plot of grass, and grieve about what will never be.
We look at other plots, at others shots, and stop taking our own. We fold our tent. We tell ourselves it will never be so we stop trying to make it be.
Truth be told, we stop trying. Subtly, so the world won’t know. We do, though.
We, make do.
We, settle.
We, make loud ruckus and do a bunch of bust work to drown out the pull, the call, the urging of that waiting. That waiting, that waits.
Still.
Always.
Calling, us.
Waiting, for us.
WHO waits?
WHAT waits?
Me?
Others?
God?
Life?
Fresh hell!
*Cassandra adds cold, lifeless fries to the chili she still can’t eat and waits for the green grass*
Today was just one of those days where the doing of the day just wasn’t happening.
Winter storm, outside.
Work/life storm, inside.
Chili made, but tasteless.
Calls waiting, to be taken.
Sad, about my friend’s passing.
Sad, because Dad’s birthday is just a few days away.
Sad, because I can’t talk to mom about dad’s birthday almost here.
Sad, because of being so exhausted from trying not to be sad and keeping it moving.
Called my wombie, told her of my sad. Told her I just didn’t have the fight, today. Not, today. Told her I was sad. She gave me permission to climb down from the world and to BE sad, for a bit.
I climbed down, and was sad.
I rested.
I awoke.
I walked to the casket which bore all of life’s sad things. I gazed at it, in understanding. I placed a flower upon it, gave one last glance…
*Cassandra looks at the discouragement that has been incessantly and consistently trying to get in*
Ha!
*Cassandra tells discouragement to go on head and kick rocks already!*
I got this.
Ha!
I’m a bad mamma jamma!
Some days, beloveds, it’s important to declare to this world that ‘homie don’t play that!’. It’s imperative to tell fear, anger, despair, discouragement and ALL the emotions that pop up, hidden in situations and circumstances, intent on getting us to get all up in our feelings about this thing or that happening.
It’s okay, to not be okay.
It’s okay, to feel this way or that way.
What is NOT okay, is to take out the sunscreen and take up residence in our feelings. Feel them. Do what needs to be done. Then, get back after it. Get back to being about it.
Life is good, even when it’s hard. Let the hard do what it do. You do what YOU must/can do.
I talked to someone, today, who made it crystal clear that folk like me, persons of color, are not ‘fit’ to live among ‘decent’ folk. Apparently, us folk of color should be…
*sigh*.
I found him terribly sad and said a prayer for him. Must be tough carrying around so much hate.
It DOES get old, beloveds, being forced account for, apologize for, be grateful for EVERY breath/step, we, as persons of colored, are ALLOWED to have/take upon the earth.
*sigh*
I must admit, it gets exhausting, old even, having to forever take the high road.
I was talking, to a white friend, and she told me she didn’t know how I was not forever angry. I told her, I MUST take the high road. Else, I would literally be angry 24/7 due to the lack of opportunities, out and out foolishness I have to fight/dealwith/carry on a 24/7 basis. Simply because I am a woman of color. Simply for BEING a woman, period.
*sigh*
Yet, I fight on. Why? Because love, will eventually win over hate. And, light WILL put out the darkness. It will. It will.
Still, it gets old.
Let’s be good to one another, beloveds. Even to the knuckleheads who don’t know better, who haven’t been raised better, who don’t care to get better. Especially, to them. They need a whole lotta love. They must be hurting, quite a bit, to be so hurtful.
Anywho, thought I would share a bit of me, a bit of care, a bit of time, a bit of love with ALL. No matter what you look like, no matter if you choose to dismiss my care because of what I look like. I love you. Still. STILL.
Say.
Live.
Love.
We got this.
Don’t let the darkness scare you. The darkness is terrified of me! It KNOWS I can scrap whether I am the kitty or the tiger.
I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Not literally. I feel like emotionally, I am all put of coffee, creamer and sugar. All I have, mom, is an empty coffee cup. Empty, waiting for someone, for Life, for God, for others(?), to bring round coffee fixings, to fill my cup. To fill ME, up, mom.
I’m not feeling empty. Just in need of a bit of pampering, I guess.
Last night, mom, I thought about my life. Thought about the words I try and put out into this big old thing called Earth. I thought of words, traveling countless miles, to and into, hopefully, hearts that I shall never meet. Hearts that shall never touch mine. Hearts that won’t fill this empty cup.
I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Til then, I shall do my utmost to fill the cup, of others.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 
it was an interesting read, broken down within characters explaining detail after detail.