Real talk: Troubled, yet not.

As a human being, my heart breaks for the people of Ukraine and all the Russian citizens who are risking their very lives to stand in protest of the atrocities being waged against innocent men, women and children.

As a person of color I have had to sigh a good ten times from various articles, today alone, where a Chancelor, heads of universities, a hospital, etc.  etc has apologized for either saying horribly awful, awful, awful and hateful thing about persons of color, in particularly ‘black women’ and/or were fired. The American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees made a statement and referred to an apology it issued this past December stating in part:

“The American Psychological Association failed in its role leading the discipline of psychology, was complicit in contributing to systemic inequities, and hurt many through racism, racial discrimination, and denigration of people of color,” the statement read. The organization said the field of psychology is “rooted in oppressive psychological science to protect Whiteness, White people, and White epistemologies.”

As an optimist, I am torn.

As a woman, I am tired.

As a ‘black’ woman, I am exhausted.

During times like these, folks wonder/ask what kind of God would allow such things. What kind of loving God wouldn’t step in about this situation or that one.

Why, evil?

Why, hurt?

Why does healing take forever, so damn long, or does not happen at all?

Great questions, all. All I know is folk have free will. We are asked to love and care for one another. For a million reasons, folks choose to do the opposite or not at all.

As for me, I choose to be one who loves, as best as I can. To all and to as many as I can wrap my arms and heart around.

It tires me when folks utter the utterly untrue phrase that they don’t ‘see’ color. Of course they do. And, if they are choosing not to, they are not seeing me or any other person of color. To whitewash things, pun intended, and also not intended is to not be honest.

The truth, hurts.

Speaking the truth, can get one hurt.

Not speaking the truth, can get folks hurt.

It is a wonderful thing that Faith NEVER tires. NEVER gives up. NEVER gives in. Never.

I lean on my faith, I lean on Faith. To sustain me. To keep me going. To keep me.

I can’t really blame some folks who have turned their backs on God due to what some dummies are doing and saying, supposedly, in the name of God. God ain’t about that life.

God, Loves.

God, Gives.

God, Cares.

God, Shares.

To, ALL.

For, ALL.

Just had to take a moment, to share a moment, about heavy moments currently going on around the world.

We ARE the world.

Let’s look after one another, okay?

being about it best I can,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Saying the quiet things out loud.

I am afraid.

Truth.

Real talk.

My heart, it appears, is all set and ready to take a huge leap of faith…

For more than 20 years, I have been wanting to take a block of time. Just for me. Just to write, yak with God, sit by the ocean and see what we see. More than 20, truth be told.

I have worked hard, long hours, for others. The need, the yearning, just to be, alone, with my thoughts, my keyboard, the ocean, God, and myself has never left or waned.

The more I just keep my head down and work, for others, the more this dream keeps rearing it’s head. In fact, since my friend passed, it has grown louder, more persistent. Egads.

Yet, I bat it away, if I am to be totally honest, just as I have been for the past couple of decades. Here is the same rinse/repeat argument:

Me: Let’s take that time off. Just to write. Just to breathe. Just to see. I want to see. I want to try. If I fail, if I flop, so what? I just want to see.

Me: I can’t afford to, now. Bills to pay. I can’t lose my spot. I can’t give up my seniority. I have to save enough money. Things are just too tight.

Me: You ALWAYS say that! Yet, you have helped the whole damned world. You come out the pocket, for this one and that one. For this for him. For that for her. Yes, all that is nice and well and good. Why will you spend on them but not you.

Me: Because….hhhmm….will keep praying for God/Life to send some funds somewhere, somehow or let me know how to get them myself.

Me: Okay, that’s fine. We don’t have to have a whole year, dammit. What about two months? I would even settle for one?!

Me: I just don’t see how we can. Things are tight.

Me: Things will ALWAYS be tight!

Me: True that…hmm….

I find myself trying to squeeze some pennies, squeeze some days from somewhere so I can take a chance on ME. For once. Just one time. Dive in. Truly. To see what I can see.

Yikes!

Egads!

Me: I’m afraid, God. Afraid, I may fail. What’s worse, I am afraid to fail You.

God: Are you willing to try, beloved?

Me: I…I…

*Cassandra peers, over the side, through her fingers. Sure looks like a long fall. Cassandra wonders if she will fall, flat on her face. She wonders if she will make it. She wonders what her life will look like if she bets on herself. What if she loses?!*

To be continued….yikes….

terrified but hungry,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: What to do when the boogie man shows up.

Tell him to go on ahead and kick rocks!

Ha!

That being said, beloveds, I can freely admit to ALMOST sorta kinda wanting to listen to ‘too’ and allow myself to be a whole bunch of toos:

Too tired, to fight.

Too discouraged, to stay optimistic.

Too dismayed, to remain understanding of life’s unexpected twists and turns.

Too afraid, to keep asking myself for what I really want because I already know the answer which will cost me too much to pursue.

Told all those toos to go on head and kick some rocks.

I did allow myself to give myself one retort:

Too bad!

Get up, Jaybird!

Keep going!

Keep moving!

Keep believing.

Start again, again!

The boogie man popped from under the bed.

Meow, I said. Boogie man high tailed it and took all those toos with him.

Too bad, dummies. There is simply too much God, too much Life, too much love, too much life, too many words, too little time for me to give up. So many have given up on me, in my lifetime. Too many, to count. I can’t give up on me, too.

I had a super short talk with God tonight. Just told Him I need Him to add His Seasoning to all this fresh hell going on.

He said I was too important for Him not to. He sprinkled peace upon my tired soul. He gently shook out some comfort on my wounded spirit. He seasoned my heart with the most precious gift He could think to give: His Tears.

He said He would be My Comfort and My Comforter. He ate double chocolate chip cookies with me. He drank entirely too much coffee with me. He watched Picard with me and belly laughed as we both shouted ‘Make it so!’

He fights the night with me, still. In fact, we are currently arguing over watching another chick flick or dude movie. Don’t tell but I think He is a bigger romantic than me!

What do you do when the boogie man shows up?

You tell me.

moving still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

  1. Roseanna Marshall's avatar

    it was an interesting read, broken down within characters explaining detail after detail.

  2. Roseanna Marshall's avatar

    awesome

  3. vermavkv's avatar

    What a beautiful way to begin the morning—with love flowing in every direction. ❤️ From Father and Jesus to Mom,…

  4. vermavkv's avatar
  5. j scott's avatar
    j scott on IT ME!

    as always beautifully written, beautifully spoken beautifully sister…..your journey is far from over . ❤️

Egads!

Note to self: Next time you step off the world be prepared for the ten levels of hell your inbox turns into.

Egads!

Yikes!

It has taken more than an hour to organize my inbox let alone decide which of the 50 million thousand 75 unread emails and blog posts are in there!!🙈🙉🙊

It really can be surprising how much of us gets put to the side, by us, when life acts ten kinds of fool.

For folks who unfortunately will see half a billion responses to post a decade old…*shrug*…my bad. Life wasn’t funny. The Netflix and chill was fun but wreaked havoc on reading/writing want to.

*Cassandra ponders between email/blog reading or Picard watching along with double chocolate chip cookie eating *…hhhm…🏃‍♀️…🍪…☕

brb…

C

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Don’t give up, not yet.

I have a pair of earbuds, my favorite pair(!) that I had been unable to use at it would not pair, with my phone, taunting me that it was already paired with another device.

I tried to disconnect and reconnect, to my phone. I couldn’t. The earbuds just shrugged and said ‘I don’t know what to tell ya, homeslice. I am buddied up with something else round here’…*shrug*.

For days, I turned off this. Retried, that.

Nothing.

Nada.

No noise.

Just an ‘I don’t know what to tell ya’.

Angrily, I tossed the earbuds, in a box, waiting to figure out, find out, get situated, someway, someday, somehow.

I think the universe decided to give me a break, today. Out of the blue, as I was blogging, the name of my earbuds popped up, on my laptop and let me unpair it!

Snatching my phone, I pressed sync, held my breath and waited.

And, waited…

And,….yasssssssssssssssssss!!!

YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Now I sit here, highly caffeinated, super sugared up from double chocolate cookies, chair dancing, quietly, through fave earbud’s sweet song!

Reminds me of my struggles to eat this chili, get work situated right, get my body to act right, to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, with the rest of me.

If, I am patient…

If, I trust…

If, I continue to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Eventually, eventually, eventually, perhaps(?) what I have been wrongly paired with, will show itself, so I can pair, repair, re-pair myself to my hopes/dreams/awesomeness so I can live my best life now.

Then, dare I hope, I can eat my chili, again.

I, hope.

I HOPE!

hoping/waiting to be shown the right pairing/connection,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Permission.

Nuff said.

I am giving myself permission to set down my coffee cup and rest. I have done the day. The day has done me. We both tired from all the haymakers we have thrown at one another.

Who, won?

Beats me.

Think it was a stalemate.

Life, did.

I, tried.

I shall let God and Life be the tie breaker.

How ’bout you?

retreating beneath comforters and comfort,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: When one cup just won’t do.

Keeping it real. Am on my third, or is it fourth, cup of coffee. Even my Kuerig is muttering ‘what’s up with her?!’

One thing, after another. Yet, I keep on keeping on. Surprising really. Didn’t sleep much if at all. Again. Fought the night, night beat holy hell outta me. Fought the day, work beat holy hell outta me. Fought to stay out of my feelings, feelings ran all down the front of my shirt.

Fought, discouragement. Must say, I beat ten kinds of hell outta discouragement!

Ha!

Fought, fear. Told fear don’t even step over this way! Fear took one look at this kitty and tore outta the room.

Fought, the world’s belief that this old, broke, loud woman couldn’t/wouldn’t make a different. Told the world to go on head and kick rocks and watch me BE the difference, somehow, someway, in even a tiny way. Just watch me, world!

Ha!

Fought, myself and the limitations I had placed upon my dreams. Kick rocks, I told me. Get on up and outta my way. I got things to do, words to write, folks to love, folks to love me back(eventually), things to do, places to go, peeps to me.

Ha!

Just keep fighting. Just kept swinging. Just kept having another cup as I chair danced, laughed, frustratingly cried, munched double chocolate chip cookies through the madness called today.

I thought of my young friend, who can no longer fight, and fought in her stead.

“I got you, my friend. I got you. I shall keep on going. Ms. C shall keep it moving, beloved”.

It is quiet, now. The work day, ended. My heart, winded. Yet, I remain:

Here.

Steadfast.

Strong.

Steady.

Love.

Cherished.

Heard.

By, God.

By, Life.

By, me.

By, those who see and love me. For those who can’t, I have tried. Nothing more I can do, say, or be.

Just, me.

I, am.

I, do.

I, will.

Life is sooooooooooooooo short, beloveds. Don’t waste time focusing on the battle. The battle SHALL end. The battle is not here to defeat you, beloveds. It is here, yea, shall stay to teach you, to draw the best out of you, not the rest of you.

The battle is besides the point. Don’t give it wait. Look BEYOND it.

To, your future.

To, your present.

To, your blessings.

See, the world dumbly tries to get us focus on things that just don’t matter. The world wants us struggling to have this, get that, live in this, move out of that. The world just wants us to be eternally unsatisfied and chasing things that just don’t matter.

What matters?

LIVEing.

SAYing.

BEing.

DOing.

Life is short. Too short to be defeated by past or present storms. Laugh at the storm. Tell the storm to go on head and kick rocks already! You CAN and you WILL make it through.

So, what if it is taking longer than you thought, hoped, wish. So, what.

Too bad, if it hurts. Let it hurt and keep it moving. This too, shall pass. Make sure, beloveds, that YOU remain. Still. Always.

Ha!

Rise, beloveds.

Stand up, o precious ones.

Know ye not that your very life is so precious there is NO amount of money or things that can purchase you???!

HA!!

We be queens/kings. We REIGN. We are NOT servants to fear and all manner of doubts and trials which come to try us to see what we are made of.

The kitty in us, roars. Let her roar. You don’t have to be the tiger, always. Just in the game. Just stay in the game. That’s it. Stay in the fight, have one, two, three cups, if needed.

Some days, one cup just won’t do. No matter, we got a lotta more, as Clubber Lang once said…lol…

We got this.

God and Life has us all.

Keep going.

Keep believing.

dancing still for those who can’t quite dance yet,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: For those who are still too tired to fight, rest. I got you. Don’t get down on yourself for needing to step away. Take as long as you need. You got this. And, even when you don’t got this, GOD AND LIFE DOES! Ha!!!!!!!!!

Keep doing you.

Keep doing you.

No matter what.

No matter why.

No matter who.

Have been having to repeat this, to myself, over and over so I can have a job the rest of the day and tomorrow…*angry pout*.

Whew!

It’s a good thing I already had a good chair dance.

A fantastic thing I already had a fabulous cup, then second cup, of coffee.

It’s a job saving thing I had already gotten my soul filled and refilled with some really soothing, life-affirming music.

Cause, circumstances walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, then planted a haymaker right upside my head.

I went from 1 to 100, in my mind, in less than two seconds. Had to count to ten, twenty, take a breath, before wanting to unleash ten cans of whoop ass on any and everybody.

Good thing I know where and how to stand and how to keep my blessed mouth shut until a rational thought/voice could come out of my face.

Yes, what had happened was NOT fair. Yes, I had been screaming to high heaven for more than 8 months for the issue to be resolved. It wasn’t. Yes, I was now being held accountable for things I could not change, control, fix, yada yada. No matter. It affects my pay. Affected, my day. At first.

I got some act right, just barely, and let my management know I would be Open Dooring the situation. It’s a wonder what happens when one knows how to use one’s voice, effectively.

Effectively, beloveds, being the operative world. The world, the enemy, situations, circumstances and some people do their level best to get you all up in your feelings. They want to get you there, to keep you there, to keep you from thinking, and THEN, ONLY then, acting from a good place, from a good heart, with honorable intentions.

I had started a flaming email, flaming I tell ya!, to send right up the food chain. Hot sauce couldn’t have been hotter than my email. I took a breath. Thought of who it would help, who it would hurt and pressed delete. I did NOT want to win that way. I did NOT want to just have my say, hurt feelings, get what I want and leave relationship/fellowship in bad repair. So, I kept it shut.

In fact, have been keeping my mouth/heart shut as I work my way through this tasteless, hard thing called life right now.

Ended up telling my boss that I would be clocking out, after our meeting, as I was still too mad to work and would not take out my mad on the world. He was great. Told me to go on lunch and then see if I wanted to finish the day.

I’m not sure how I will finish the work day. I DO know that I will keep on doing me, no matter what, no matter why, no matter who.

Keep doing you.

doing me,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

You can.

Keep going.

You can.

No matter what it looks like.

No matter what it feels like.

No matter what it tastes like.

Keep going.

You can.

I know. Going is exhausting. Growing is exhausting. Changing is exhausting. Healing is exhausting. All of this is exhausting. Especially when we are tired. Especially when the cards dealt keep being the low cards, the seeming losing hands, the tough hands.

Why, o, why, can’t we get some learning whilst laying on a beach with some fabulous eye candy feeding us grapes as waves lap dreamily and soothingly at our feet?

Why, o, why, must we forever have to be digging through mountains of this, that, the other thing and fighting with ourselves, life, this, that or the other thing.

Enough!

It is enough…

Whew. Think another chair dance, may be in order.

Listen to your heart. If your heart just needs a time of quiet, go on head and climb down from this merrygoround, called life, and rest a bit. Be quiet a bit. Be whatever or nothing for a while.

It has been nice to hide beneath covers, munch on double chocolate chip cookies, think about what I would like to or not like to do with the rest of my life.

I used to think that I had to ALWAYS be Superman. I could never be Clark Kent. Or, for long. Had to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue everyone on EVERY floor.

I didn’t think God and Life appreciated me being the kitty and not forever roaring around being a tiger and forever being the king/queen of the jungle.

As I have kept moving, going, growing, am learning, keep learning, that all I have to do is just to keep on doing, best I can, as long as I can. And, in the meantime, enjoy a bit of coffee, a good conversation, a fun movie and let it all come out in the wash.

These periods, apparently, are needed and necessary.

That being the case, we just have to keep on keeping on til we can no longer keep on. Then, rinse and repeat.

We got this.

We can.

You can.

being about it with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Thanks mom.

Thanks mom. I’m trying to listen now. At least, I am trying now, mom.

LOL.

Nuff said.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe