https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i3XGSPAMNRc&feature=share
Mom,
I miss you. I have never felt more alone. I need you. Need to hear your “Everything will be okay”.
My birthday is a bit over two weeks away. Someone asked me what I wanted.
ALL I want for my birthday is another day with you.
I’ve tried, mom. Tried to be a big girl. Have tried to be a good girl. Feel like I have failed at those things, lately, mom.
I look at my life, at my pile and it seems so small. So small. How could FIFTY years have produced so little, it seems to me.
I’m embarrassed, mom. Thought I would have more to show you. More to show God and Life, with my life, by now.
I’m running out of time, mom. What do I do? Who do I go to, now? I used to go home and lay on your round, warm tummy. My grown self, smashing myself beside you.
Mom, I’m so afraid to say, outloud, that I think the best of me was laid to rest, the day we laid you to rest.
This shell, left behind, called me, is an imposter. How can she not be? Her confidence went down, in the earth, as you went.
I shout, into the void, into the breach, in part, calling to her. Where has she gone, mom? Does she remain, still, next to an empty grave that no longer contains you?
You said I would make it, mom. You told me to just keep trying. Just try. What if I don’t make it, mom?
I have never felt so alone, mom. You told me don’t worry about how I feel. You said everything WILL be alright.
I don’t know that I ever will. I’ll try, mom.
Tell dad I said hi. Tell Dad I have never felt so alone. Tell Him, His Beloved Daughter doesn’t feel quite so beloved and could use His Deep and Abiding Love about now.
Continue to rest in peace, mom. I love you.
your youngest girl,
Me😥
Footnote: Beloveds, we are NOT alone. No matter what it feels like. No matter what it looks like. I have carried my tears, have carried the tears of ALL who suffer. I have carried them, to Heaven. I have asked God, have asked Life, to be there for ALL who mourn, for all who grieve, for all who have lost, for all who feel they have lost, for all who feel they have failed at this, at that.
It’s okay, to cry. It’s okay, to not feel okay, to not BE okay, until we get to be okay, once again.
God and Life loves us in ALL our ages, stages and manner we may find ourselves in. At the top of the mountain, in victory, God and Life, are with us. At the bottom, of the mountain, in a demoralized heap, God and Life, are with us. They love us, still. And, always.
NOTHING shall separate us from the love of God, of Life. Hang in there, beloveds. We CAN. We WILL. Keep on shouting into the void. You SHALL find you. She/he/they are in there, STILL. Don’t give up, ever.
We are not done. Not yet. So long as we have breath, we can and will.
I love me some you. Love me some me. Even this broken me. ESPECIALLY this broken me. She be a bad mama jamma.
#YourLifeMattersToMe
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It’s such an amazing piece of work. Pain brings peace sometimes. Healing is in the pain itself sometimes.
#You matter.
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Thank you. All need to know not to fear the things we go through. ALL things come out for our good as we remember we are truly NOT alone and that we DO matter. You made my whole day and it is just starting. 😁
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This is beautifully written. Loss is such a difficult and personal journey. I am so very sorry for the losses you have endured and I am glad you are here writing and sharing. ❤
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You made my evening! My wombie, my twin sis, is forever encouraging me to keep sharing. I keep telling her who the world gives two damns? She says do it anyway. My heart says do it anyway. Mom says do it anyway. I just want folk to know it IS ok to feel lost, bad, sad, glad or any other add they may be feeling. We are loved, STILL. Thanks for encouraging me to keep going. You do the same, beloved. We got this, eh? Think mom is a wee proud of her tattered daughter. Love you, mom. Miss you. 😎
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Expression of our feelings in so incredibly important. I look forward to reading more of your reflections. 💓💓
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Okay, so now I have to cry a good hour reading your words. Good Egads. I have fallen and can’t get up.😥
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Your life matters to me.
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