I did not want take the high road, wanting desperately to hold onto my mad.
I, forgave.
I did not want to, say I was wrong, wanting to have my way, to be right.
I, apologized.
I did not want to, have to keep climbing the same frustrating faith mountain.
I, climbed.
I did not want to, read the directions, did not wish to learn the lessons.
I, read.
I did not want to, give God, to give Life, to give others my heart to use as they chose.
I, surrendered.
I did not want to, want as wanting forever left me wanting.
I, wanted.
I did not want to, write.
I, wrote.
I did not want to, live, now, wanted to wallow in the past.
I, lived.
I did not want to, love unconditionally knowing everyone else always has conditions so why shouldn’t I?
I, loved without limits.
In changing your life, in the meantime, your feelings have everything to do with it. Make the POSITIVE choice, make the LOVING choice, make the HOPEFUL choice. Your heart is and will make a choice. Your feelings will try to sway you this way and that. YOU control your feelings. Knowing this, know our feelings often share only enough truth to get their way.
Old habits die hard. Best to make sure those habits work for your good.
*God quietly scooped Cassandra into His Arms, gently lay her tired head, upon His Shoulders, quietly whispered words only she could hear, strode amongst the stars and chose one for her hair…*
I have been waiting all day. Waiting for what, I did not know.
Turns out, I had been waiting, in silence, for words. Words of comfort, of hope.
Only, I had no idea I was awaiting those words. Words had failed me, today. Or, so I thought. Until, someone reached out for my thoughts. Initially, I did not want to answer. I did NOT feel like, okay, I did not feel like feeling today!
Today, I wanted to stay numb. Stay, dumb. Stay, in this quiet place grief had deposited on my door.
Life, dammit, is forever demanding full participation!😡🤡
After getting over a mini mad, I, had a cup of coffee and talked quietly, to me. I, told myself it was okay to not be okay, until I was okay. I, let myself off the hook. I, gave the day the rest of the day off. I, told me time that I got this then gave this, a rest.
Today, my heart needed some me. I had been waiting for some you. I think we all need to do less looking, for others. I think we all need to do more looking, more looking out for ourselves.
Her words, today, spoken loud enough where only God and Life can hear.
I strain to hear, her words, my heart’s words. She moves, farther away. Today, she needs time to, just be. Not, as I desire her, to be. Not, as the world thinks, she ought be.
Today, my heart is, exceedingly loud. Yet, I can not hear a word. She holds up a hand, gestures for me, to be still. To be, silent. Just, to be.
This, I asked of my heart. A friend had just texted me to see how I was feeling. Turns out, I did not know. My heart was silent, today. I wondered where it was hiding.
Surprisingly, I found joy, today. Yesterday had snatched my joy, or so I thought. Yesterday, whooped me upside the head, brought me to my knees.
On my knees, I cried out, shouted out loud, cried, cried, cried some more.
This evening, I find that I can’t stop writing. I can’t stop being thankful, being grateful for life.
I thought I was done writing. I found writing was not done with me. I thought I was finished singing. I found music was not finished with me. I thought it would be a while before I would feel joy. I found joy was only hidden beneath my tears, hidden within grateful 😭.
I used to dismiss my tears. Now, I embrace them as the dear friends they are. These tears share my heart with God, with Life, with others. Ah, Lord, these days hurt. Ah, Father, this heart has been so lonely for a family of my own. Ah, Life, this soul has been wandering and wondering where my posse has been hiding. Ah, beloveds, I don’t know how, when or where to make my writing dreams to come true. Ah, me, I don’t know what else I can do for you, for us, to get us where God, where Life, where mom and dad thought we could or should be.
*Shedding tears of joy, Cassandra cries for all who can’t yet cry for themselves*
Ah, God, be there for each and every heart, mind and soul who has a need. Ah, Life, help each to overcome all that overcome them. Ah, Jesus, be there for each and every heart in need of A Friend. Ah, beloveds, hang in there. Love, yourselves. Allow others to care for you. Who cares? He, does. I, do. We, do.
As I prepared to watch the Superbowl, I watched with new eyes, from a completely new perspective, from a new mindset.
Before, I would have made my choice. MY winning team, therefore I would win. And would then set out to make sure THAT team, that MY team won.
Woe to them, to me, if MY team, had failed to measure up to their, to my expectations and lost the game.
How dare they?!
How dare they have the nerve to lose the game!! Didn’t they KNOW they played for me?! Didn’t they know, in winning, in being MY team, that I somehow, someway, won as well.
If THAT were true, that must mean that, now, I was a loser too!…*gasp*. I would mope and pout my way, for days, through comfort food, whining, complaining, stomping my way through days of unsportsmanlike conduct.
I forgot why I loved playing sports, why I loved watching sports so much: watching a group of folk, on BOTH sides of a contest, who had decided to come together, for a common purpose, all with the purpose to win the game, win the match, win the contest.
The field of battle mattered little. What mattered, was the coming together of like minds, with one goal, in mind. No competing interests. Without jealous, without strife. Just two sides, meeting in the middle, hashing out the final tally, the final outcome, with all the talent, hopes, aspiration, perspiration, perspective and effort that each participant could and would muster.
The ultimate outcome was to overcome adversity, from the other side, from their own side, from their own insides.
Adversity overcome, fear would come next. Next to test each side, each inside, to make both sides question why they set out to try. To win. In trying, each side conquered their fear.
Fear vanquished, all that was left to determine was the final side, the final score, to find who would lift the hardware at hard work’s end.
Ironically, after conquering adversity, after overcoming fear, in coming together, on one accord, towards a common end, BOTH sides ended up winning. The trophy 🏆 turned out to be icing, not the cake 🎂.
This year, I remembered why I loved the game. I did not pick a side. Sides, did not matter. The final score, did not matter.
I now understood that the struggle did not have to be a struggle. The contest could/would be contested but did not have to be a confrontational. Yes, each side were, in fact, opponents. Yet, each were good, of heart. They were opponents, not enemies. They were in opposition, to the game, not to each other.
Once, game ended, each side shook hands, embraced one another, grateful for the opportunity to try, to win, to achieve the desired result.
Over the course of my life, I have learned the best moments are in the after: After, the loss. After, the win. After, the try. After, the trial. After, the tears. After, the laughs.
In the after, in the aftermath, both sides, having realized all had won something, had won different things, in the contest, each came away with more than they had arrived with. How can that NOT be a win?
Today, I prepare to enjoy the game. Whose side am I on, you ask? Am on journey’s side. I have no idea where we shall end up. Who cares? He, cares. For, me. What else could I possibly need? I don’t need a side, a team, a set of circumstances to call myself a winner. In, being. In, being me, I have already won.
One of my sisters is the best meanderer, in thr entirety of this whole wide world. She can take a ten minute conversation and turn it into a megafest of goodness, of love, of laughs, of truths.
Today, I thoroughly enjoy a good meander. Times past, meandering used to drive me cra cra. I used to be, still am, I think, a get to the point kind of gal. Get to the point, I was forever shouting, in my head, while folks whiled and winded their way through long winded conversations.
Yet, big sis paid not two hoots to my huffy, my puffs, my hemms and my hawws. Nope, sis would just sit, quietly, meandering through this process, through that memory. She would glide through scenes, carefully make her way through endlessly infinite scenarios.
Until, finally, fighting her all the way through, I learned to enjoy the journey. In fact, half the time I would forget what the world had started the meandering, in the first place.
I thank her, today, for showing me how to live, in the moment, in the conversation, not giving two hoots about where we would end up.
Turns out, we ended up not ending up anywhere. Yet, ended said conversation filled with joy and anticipation for the next.
God and Life have been incessantly trying to get me to understand that it’s about the journey, stupid. And, before you start hollering about me saying the word stupid, calm down. I know I am not stupid. I just do dumb things, from time to time. As do you. The title just makes me 😂.
I love to laugh at me, now. I didn’t, before. Until, I learned how to meander. Until, I learned the point, of the journey, was in the journey, itself.
We will never get there. There will ALWAYS be a THERE. THERE is what:
Keeps us, moving.
Keeps us, hopeful.
Keeps us, dreaming.
Keeps us, reaching.
Keeps us, trying.
Keeps us, keeping on.
Keeps us, writing.
Keeps us, living.
Keeps us, loving.
THERE helps us, in the meantime, to keep on moving, hoping, reaching, trying, keeping on, writing, living, loving, in the meantime.
Enjoy the journey, beloveds. Enjoy, a good yak. Enjoy, a good book. Enjoy, a good walk. Enjoy, the bumps in the road. Enjoy, stumbling. Enjoy, Fallin flat on your face. Enjoy, laughing at yourself as you stumble and fall flat on your face.
Get after it.
getting after it with you,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. Blame wombie for all this yakking, this meandering today. She asked.🤷♀️
“Where I’d today’s post”? That’s what woke me from my pregame nap. Okay, truth be told these were my wombie’s exact words:
“NO piece? Where it at?😭”
No, preamble. No, good morning. Nothing.
Five words, though, I had NO idea I needed, until they were spoken. Penetrating a darkness I did not see slowly coming for me.
The day before, my world was rudely shaken with unexpected, with devastating news. I was doing better today, or so I thought, so I told myself.
Yea, I had made four grilled cheese sandwiches simply because I was enjoying the new sandwich maker.
Yes, I had skipped my early morning rise of shower, study, writing and beginning my day. But, this was only because today was the Superbowl and I had planned to sleep in, anyway.
Sure, I had turned off lights I normally have low and quiet on weekends. I was ONLY laying, in darkness because….hhhmm.
To be honest, I really didn’t know why I was laying in darkness. Until, one text. Until, I wondered if my heart even felt like blogging, like writing today. Remembering how I promised me to write no matter what, no matter why, no matter who, I turned on some lights, made some coffee, and allowed my heart to say whatever it wanted to say.
The words, I found, were of little import. The impact, of turning on the lights, gave my heart the light, the peace, the promise IT needed. That I needed.
Sis thought today’s piece was needed, for her.
Turns out, today’s piece WAS truly needed, for ME.
Ask, beloveds, for what you need. In asking, you may be saving a life, healing a life. Maybe, today, you won’t seemingly get what you wanted, what you thought you needed.
What I’d, beloveds, the asks you feel, in your heart, were put there, in part, for you to help God, to help Life, turn the darkness back into life in the life of another?
Ask. Someone may be waiting. That someone, in fact, may be me.
Today, I write.
Today, I live.
Today, I loved.
Cuz my wombie reached for my heart, for my love, for my words, today.
I love you, sis. With, all my heart. Be encouraged. 🥰😘
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 