A ridiculous amount of pieces regarding my new now old sandwich 🥪 maker.
Along with oodles of foolishness mixed in here, there and yon…*shrug*. Blame God as He The One done made me weird.
I have two more hours of overtime then a day of overtime 😴.
I just popped on long enough to check on you and let you know you are loved.
Do NOT allow fear, anxiety, doubt and their cohort in to be stressing you out about the upcoming week. The day will knock on your door and you will greet an face it with whatever companions you choose.
Be sure to take joy, peace, hope and especially laughter to sustain you through some of the hard. Pack you some scripture and snacks and keep Yikes! and Egads! along as some situations may cause for a good yikes or two.
Be certain to reach out to a friend, a loved one, a coworker, a neighbor or whoever as someone is waiting to be loved. Starting with you.
Finally, realize that finally is never final until the thing is finished. Even then, God can rearrange what you finally made as NOTHING is finished until HE says it is finished.
And, since Jesus said “It Is Finished ” up on the cross, we have access to all we shall ever need.
Yeppers, when life, when work, kept getting harder and harder, I was not about being about it.
In fact, I yelled.
Loud.
Long.
Hard.
I pouted.
I rushed to God, climbed in His Lap and proceeded to wail and carry on about how hard, hard, hard it was. Each time, He would listen to me, give me a hug, then send me back to work.
Each time, work would get harder causing me to rush back, to Him, climbing in His now familiar lap and wait and carry on about how hard, hard, hard it was. Each time, He would listen, give my shoulder a squeeze, then send me back to work.
I almost wanted to tell Him I wanted out. Okay, I admit it. I did kinda sorta half-heartedly tell Him I did NOT wish to continue. He listened, gave me a hug, then sent me back to work.
Eventually, I came up with a system to work WITH the hard and not against what was currently going on in my life. I refused to allow a bit of hard to make the entirety of my life hard or impossible.
I played more music, laughed more, reached out more, got in my Word more. The more hard gave me, the more I gave hard, and myself.
Now, me and hard have coffee, of a morn, to discuss what we shall do. Together.
Thanks, hard.
Cya tomorrow.
And, the day after that.
And, the day after that.
The Day will tell you, hard, that Ms. C don’t mess around. Get ready for me. I am ready for you, now.
*Cassandra whispers thanks to Him and got to being bout it*
*Cassandra and God were in a huddle trying to think of how to let folks know they were loved, seen, valued, cared for, cherished, protected, beloved, covered. Cassandra argued they needed to let folk know to keep on keeping on and be sure their acting right is keeping them acting right. Jesus joined the huddle and said to be sure to toss in their that He had their backs. Gabriel and Michael whispered to The Great King. The Great King said “Aha!” and whispered to Cassandra what to tell folk this morning*
That’s the nonsense I texted sis after deciding to load the dishwasher and do some chores on my next break.
No sooner than I had laid down I found my legs taking my lazy behind to the kitchen to load the dishwasher.
My fingers waggled themselves in my face in a pitying tsk tsk kind of way.
My frown frowned upon me tryna try them with a bit of lazy.
My head shook itself at me in a disdainful kind of way why I thought was a bit much.
My nose sniffed at me regally in admonition over my audacity to not have my act right in order.
Somewhat sullen, I stomped my way through dishes so I could lay down the last 15 minutes of my lunch break.
Having none of it, my fingers pointed, my frown frowned, my brow burrowed, my head nodded and my legs ran me to the washer to do the laundry in punishment for cutting up.
*quiet unseen hidden pout*
No time to continue this. Hafta do more chores. Shheeeeesh.
Be sure to get some act right before your good habits make you clean your bathroom, beloveds. 🤣
*Cassandra looked at hard, laughed at it and said ‘is THAT all you had for me today?!’
HA!!
Cassandra wonders if she be a bit more forthright and admit she had spent half the day wondering if she would make it and had a nice cry for third day in a row….hhhm…..nah!
Yikes! suggested Cassandra be honest with folk and admit she climbed onto The Father’s Lap and let Him know all the scriptures in the world was NOT helping her make it through the day.
Cassandra let Yikes! know where he could go with his suggestions.
Egads!
Cassandra let Egads! know he could go on ahead and join Yikes! somewhere.
God: Yikes!
Me: Why are you teasing me?
God: Because you are My Delight. Besides, Yikes! is right. There are too many who hide behind masks and such when they are having a really hard time. It may well encourage some others if you tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, so help you Me.
Me:….hmmm….well, okay then….lemmme rewind this tale…..*small pout*…..
*record scratch sound can be heard*….*lights dim, curtain opens and…*
Whew.
Whew!
Whew!!!
What a day. It’s a good thing I had done my me time else I would have been done in by the days’ happenings. Don’t ask me why but day sure nuff was NOT in a playful mood. Not, today. And, I have zero idea why day took such pleasure in making the day, my day, as hard as could possibly be had.
Father,
I’m tired. So very tired. This morning, sis and I talked about the morning mom passed away. It was really the first time I truly acknowledged how I felt being 9 and a half hours away as I heard the words “TTnette they say there is nothing else they can do”. Most helpless feeling in all the world. Brought me to my knees. Brought my world to it’s knees. I still am yet to recover from words six years said.
I have been shaken, all day. Honestly, I have been shaken since that 2016 Christmas morning. So much so, I shut down. Everything. My heart. My hopes. My dreams. Everything. God and Life kept gently prodding me to write, to live, to move forward. I couldn’t. I was stuck like Chuck.
It has taken all these years of doing my work, being about being about it, crying, cutting up, getting some act right, needing to get some act right, fighting with myself, fighting with God, fighting with life, fighting, fighting, fighting EVERYTHING but what really needed fighting:
Fear.
Anxiety.
Doubt.
Grief.
Anger.
Yea, boy, I was angry at the damned world. Angry with mom, for having the nerve to leave me. Angry with God and Life for having the nerve to take her away from me. Angry at….fresh hell….I was just angry, angry, angry, angry. For a long time.
No one knew, or so I thought. I hid it well. From, work. From, family. From, friends.
I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. Can I be honest, beloveds? I was the most angry with God, The Father. But, I could NOT admit that. Nopers, not to Him. How the fresh egads could I serve Him yet be ready to punch something in the face? Not very Christ-like, I imagined. So, I hid also, from Him. And, from Jesus.
I bargained with both. Just leave me the hell alone so I could stay in my silent hell and I would keep taking care of the damned world, dammit, whilst I bled, silently and angrily in plain sight of the whole damned world dammit!
Even writing these words have a fresh wave of anger welling from deep inside. I find I am so angry, still.
Still?
Wow, I thought I was over the anger after having finally, finally, finally accepted that I will never see mom again.
Turns out, I guess I used work and ministry and food and more work and more food and more ministry and more work to stuff away all that anger. Buried so deeply that only years of work and healing and learning how to take care of my chicklets(my mentals), in a healthy way has the anger been able to surface from under a mountain of no longer eaten chips and Snickers.
Healing can and is wonderful. Yet, healing can be terribly difficult as it causes ALL of one’s broken pieces to come out hollering to be seen, to be heard, to be validated. These broken pieces(go back and read my other pieces on broken pieces back up the archive way), once awakened refuse to go back to sleep.
NO, they scream!
You will NOT silence us anymore!!
These broken pieces then getting to running around, slamming furniture, tossing things, deep inside, where a tornado of feelings has started, in your heart, welling up to consume everything in it’s path. Yet, you learn to hide this tornado as having no earthly idea what to do with it now.
Yes, you want to be healed. Yes, you want to be free. Yet, it is so bloody unfair that you are the one who has to do the work of healing a heart that God, that Life, that mom, dammit, had broken. They can all go kick rocks!!!!!
I find I have work to do. Still. But, I have bargained with God, with Life and let both know They can have my service if they would just leave me be. Thankfully, Neither listened to me. They pursued me, relentlessly. They refused to allow me to give up. On, myself. On, my dreams. Gently, slowly, carefully, tactfully, prayerfully they pried the give up out of my having given up on life hands.
In it’s place they tenderly deposited peace, love, joy, hope and laughter. Yes, beloveds, over the course of time I learned to laugh again. Thought I would never laugh again. Ever. Amazes me how long it took to dig my joy, my faith, my peace, my laughter and all the yipppppeeessss and goofness that made me, me.
Now, having found me, I am relentless in my pursuit to follow God, to follow life where so ever They choose to lead me.
Which leads me to this morning. To, today. I thought I was super tired because of all the extra work we have to do. I was out of sorts. ALL day. ALL DAY! I got on one friend’s nerves. That was not enough for me so I got on another friend’s nerves. Her several times. Sorry, my friend. THAT wasn’t enough so I got on my wombie’s lastest nerves. Sorry, wombie. THAT wasn’t enough so I climbed on The Father’s Lap and knew I could never, ever get on His Nerves. Just that fact began to soothe me. This is what I whispered in His Ear as I clung desperately to Him, letting the comforting vibrations of His Quiet Laughter and Sound of His Voice to act as a balm to my daughter’s grieving heart:
“Father, I have been saying scriptures, all day, and they don’t appear to be helping. I kept saying them, though, over and over. I know Your Word, Your Love, Your Faith, Your Promises, have absolutely nothing to do with whether I believe in them. Whether I believe in YOU or not. I believe You. I believe IN You. Why? Because You are. Nuff said, far as I am concerned.
Dad, I miss mom. I still don’t know what life looks like without her. I still don’t know how to feel about her being gone. This morning, as sis and I talked, I wanted to run away. From, her words. From, my own words. I didn’t. I stayed. Just as I want to stay, here, with You, forever. I am tired. So very tired. Of being alone. Without, mom. Without, the physical touch of a mate. Without a posse, to call my own. Posse mates who call me ‘just cuz’ just as I do. Posse who will squeeze my shoulder and let me know I will be okay. I know I will be okay. Just does not feel that way….*sigh*”.
Tired still, I reached out to my accountability partner and let it be known I was really tired. Thought I was tired about work. Turns out, I was really tired of carrying all the weight of losing mom, of all the last 6 years of fighting to become a big girl, once again. I have felt like such a small child in a humungus world since she left.
I was so tired I did not know if I could finish my shift. He said ONE sentence that caused me to pause then burst into laughter which gave me the energy to finish my day:
“Stay with it like eating an elephant. Can only do one bite at a time”.
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAH!A
True that!
We can only do life one step, one bite, at a time. Knowing this, I took a bite, took a deep breath and ended my work day with style.
Tonight, I am tired, still. Yet, I am peaceful. Yet, I am joyful. Yet, I am prayerful. Yet, I am….
Yea, I am. Sums it up nicely.
Think I will go see if there is someone around to dance with me.
*Cassandra turned up ‘Let’s Groove’ super loud, singing loudly, singing proudly, singing badly, waiting to see Who may stop by. The Curtain of Time could be heard parting as the lights dimmed upon this particular story…*
*Cassandra laughed uproariously as Jesus whisked her around her apartment. Making quite the pair, Cassandra and Jesus tramped around the apartment whooting and hollering*
Huh? How did I go from barely scraping through the day to cutting a rug with The Great King? It happened kinda sorta almost exactly like this….
The sound of a noise, joyful though painful as it was, could be heard making it’s way towards heaven. Straining to hear, Jesus had dropped everything to peer over the edge of heaven to hear what the world, or who rather, was getting His attention so???
God: It’s just Cassandra. She is singing ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ at the tops of her lungs.
Jesus: Why on earth for?
God:…*shrug*….she seemed especially pleased after climbing down off My Lap. It may well have been that last crayon coloring session she and I had. I told her the drawing of Me was especially cute.
Jesus: She sounds like she is having a blast. Think I may come on down and hang with her for a spell.
Opening the curtain of heaven, Jesus made His way to His Beloved. Knocking quietly, crown in Hand, He asked if He might enter.
Curtseying, Cassandra invited The Great King in to have a dance. It had been quite the day. So tough, in fact, Cassandra had NO idea how she made it. Yet, she had made it! Through prayer, tears, wailing text messages, wailing tales of woe via quickly snatched phone calls, prayer, reciting bible verses, telling herself these bible verses were not going to be enough Lord!, cold coffee, more cold coffee, even more cold coffee then that, cold grilled cheese, more prayer, spending time in The Father’s Lap coloring, more cold coffee, more please let this day go home already!, along with some lime jello(yummers!), Cassandra found herself content.
She made it!
YYYYYYYYASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS….spinning, arms flung to the heavens, Cassandra flung herself dramatically into His Arms. Spinning her round, Cassandra and Her Bestest Friend, cut a rug until the neighbors got to pounding on the walls.
Jesus: Oops.
Cassandra: Yea, opps.
Jesus: How about we take this dance team on the road?
Cassandra: Let’s go.
*Bowing deeply, The Great King gallantly extended His Elbow. Putting her hand in the crook of said elbow, Cassandra and One Such as He made their way to see what shenanigans they could get into. Cassandra suggested they pick up wombie and see what other trouble they could get into*
Have you ever had one of those days where life kept handing you lemons, ALL BLASTED DAY, and left you wanting to either cram said lemons down life’s throat or at the very least bean hard upside the head with them?
That was me, this morning, this afternoon, and to be frank, a bit yet, still, this evening.
I have been nuking the SAME BLASTED CUP OF COFFEE SINCE 11 THIS MORNING!!!…*sigh*.
Will share THAT tale in another post. Good thing for your entertainment values, life has been kicking my hind end on the regular this week…..whew!!!!…..say that!
N-E-Waze, we are beyond, beyond and BEYOND busy at work. So much so, I have been nuking the same blasted cup of coffee since 11!!…..*pout*.
The day has finally semi ended. Kinda sorta as I have two more hours of overtime to do. Yet, since over time is voluntary, I don’t mind making time and a half over work that was getting on my last nerves at the regular pay rate…*shrug*….don’t judge me. Kidding. I love my job. Just super difficult, at the moment with avalanche of work that can never be caught.
I wanted to take a moment, to encourage all to keep on keeping on. There is NOTHING that ought stop us from doing what needs to be done. Tired, and all. We MUST continue to take care of our me time and get a bit of rest, somewhere in the midst of all the chaos.
What?
What!?…..*Cassandra apologies to The Father for semi-yelling*
Me: Whatcha need, Father? Since you are here, now, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me climb on Your Lap so many times today. Work just would NOT end and I thought it would be the end of me. Kept reciting bible verses when all I really wanted to do was to sing myself a nice lullaby and go to sleep. Whatcha need, though?
Him: Ehem, um, it appears your coffee has gotten cold yet again…hehe….
Me: OM-…..sorry ’bout that.
*screams of agony wend themselves towards heaven, causing Jesus to come see what’s up now, as Cassandra races to the microwave to nuke the same cup of coffee she has been nuking since 11!*…
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 