Yet.
Yet.
YET!
I hear you coming for me, yet.
Yet, you have not arrived.
Not quite yet.
Yet, I wait.
In, anticipation.
Yet, I hesitate.
Not, quite yet.
waiting,
Cassandra
I’m trying to stay busy.
I have been trying to stir up the energy to take out the trash.
Trying to do things to occupy sad. Yet, sad just wants to be, well, sad.
To just…be.
I am finding it difficult, it seems, to be, to feel, in real time.
I’m used to taking care of and encouraging the whole damn world. I’ll get to my own, in time.
Now, both sad and my time are demanding their time. They are ready to have their say. They are tired of me putting them on the back burner to be dealt with later.
Later shrugged at me and suggested I be about being about it and dealing with sad and my time.
If I were to be honest, I would admit I am a bit afraid of my time. I am bit afraid my time will leave me disappointed.
Truth be told, I am already storing up that’s alrights and that’s okays and I will be alrights in case my time does not bring along some of my hopes and dreams.
I so want to let Yipppeees do their things and let out some yippeees in hopes that my posse has come.
I’m not certain how much longer I can make this lemonade. I think I shall take them to The Father and see what He shall do with them. What He shall do/say with/for me.
brb,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Another text.
Another fam member has passed away.
Just did this dance two weeks ago.
Just starting to sleep now after loved one resting in peace.
Now, the death march begins again: Waiting for the obit. Waiting for funeral to be over. Waiting for the burial to be over.
Hurry up, dammit.
Dammit.
I know. Watch the language.
Fresh hell.
I tried to work through it. Tried to finish the work day.
I told myself to keep it moving. To keep on keeping on.
He is gone. You keep living.
Was all set and ready to stuff my feelings into a rarely used drawer and work the sad away.
Fortunately for me, new habits, me time, God, Life, and my heart gently pried the brooms from my hands and said:
“Sit down, Martha”. “Stop working your way through your life. It’s time you actually feel and live in real time. Not when you can snatch a moment to shed a tear.”
Tearfully, I let my boss know I was done for the day. He was smart enough to know that I needed some space. He let me know he had coded me off for the rest of the shift.
A part of me, old habits rooting me on, wanted to pull myself up by the bootstraps and finish the day with gusto.
Gusto told me to go ahead and take two seats and went to sit in The Father’s Lap. I think I will join gusto and take a bit of sad with me. I want to show My Dad the owwie that my heart now has. Oh, I hope He kisses my boo boo and gives me a hug…
brb,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Hang in there, Cassandra.
Hang in there, beloveds.
We got this.
I think.
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Cassandra
Someone is tired.
Someone is lonely.
Someone is exhausted.
Someone is in need of some care.
Someone is in need of rest.
Someone has given their all and has about run out of gas.
Someone has been praying for all.
Someone has been hopeful for all.
Someone has been asking for their financial mountain to be turned into a pebble that can be hurled into the ocean forever gone leaving lightened shoulders in its wake.
Someone has been asking God and Life if They would not allow another sun to rise and set without Them moving in their behalf.
Someone is in need of…
someone,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
The week is almost at it’s end. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep hoping. Keep believing. Keep your act right acting right. This is what I keep telling myself. Someone is tired. Someone is…
Who, me? Said, I.
Yea, YOU. Said, He.
Why, come? Replied, I.
Just Cuz I love you. Responded, He.
When, Father? Asked, I.
Soon, My Daughter. Replied, He Who Loves Me.
I’m afraid. She, admitted.
Of, what? He asked.
To believe that it is actually MY turn. I, said.
Are you not allowed a turned? Asked, He.
My Yippppeees feel something, deep inside me and want to let loose some yippppees but I won’t let them go. I admitted.
Do you not believe that I have the best in mind for you? Wondered, He.
I do. Reasoned, I.
Come, My Daughter, and receive all that I have prepared for you before you were born. Invited, Him.
Who, me?
Yea, YOU.
Here I come.
going,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: My heart is open. My hands are outstretched. I wonder if I shall be held soon. Would be lovely….*sigh*.
Egads!
Yikes!
God and Life have been listening and answering my petitions and I now I just don’t know what to do with ME!
I don’t quite know what to always do with this new me. This new me is super adventurous. This new me wants to get into all manner of hoopla and shenanigans. This new me wants to explore, explore, and explore some more.
Whilst, the old me, the tired me, the me that lost my mom, just wants to crawl into bed and sleep for six months in between eating popcorn, jello and grilled cheese sandwichs.
So, I find that new me and old me have been in heated debates, here lately. And, old habits have joined in the fight making new habits rush to new mes side and rescue.
To top that, both God AND Life has soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly taken new me and new habits side and told old me and old habits to take two seats. Now, old me, being the smarter one, in my humble opinion, tore over to Jesus to see if He would be on my side. He said an undignified ‘nope’ and has left the old me to my old devices to figure things out for myself.
Turns out, though, old things no longer work as they do. Old fears, anxiety and doubts don’t wake me in a panic or keep me up for weeks at a time.
To my surprise, old me has been going to sleep, of late and has slowly been conversing with new me and new habits….*gasp*….traitor!
To make things worse, old habits don’t work as well as they used to and I don’t have the energy to try and refill them. So, I find myself doing me time and borrowing new mes new habits and they have ALL gained up on me and have dragged me out of hiding.
Which has left me a bit shaken, a bit stirred and peering around suspiciously waiting for 007 to come round to collect me in his beautiful black tux….whew….007 was a looker. All of them. Though, I am partial to Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan
I find myself waiting.
I find myself waiting for something.
I find myself waiting for someone.
I find myself…
Huh?
*Cassandra turns around and sees The Great King, dressed in a stunning pure gold tuxedo. He has a blood red rose held rakishly in His Teeth. Bowing low, Jesus extends His Hand and asks Cassandra to dance. Being mindful of His Nail-Scarred Hand, Cassandra shyly curtsies and gives Him a big hug”
I have found myself…
to be continued.
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. I am too overwhelmed at the care that God has shown lately that I am verklempt. Yall give the motto or moral of this piece. I’m too busy swooning and mooning over life coming attractions.
Focus on what you have, not on what you have.
Sooooooooooooo, I had been in a fantastic mood. Thanking God for this. Thanking Life for that. Yeppers, Cassandra was dancing through the meadows and lilies with glee and nothing but thanksgiving.
Until….*sigh*….smh.
Until, one of my work children let me know how humungus a raise he was fixing to get soon.
WHHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!?????????
“You are getting HOW MUCH???!!!!!!!!!
Almost immediately, okay, right off top, the top of my head flew off and I rushed to The Father, snorting, hooting, hollering and just kicking up ten kinds of fusses and why not mes, and how come theys, and what in the fresh tarnations, and why aren’t MY financial prayers being answered like I have been diligently seeking, asking, and campaining for!????
Yea, I admit it, I had a laundry list of ALL of my accomplishments made for Him, with Him in mind, trying to be a blessing cuz He asked me to. I went on a nice tirade of all I had given, done, gave up, gave away, yada yada, shut up Cassandra, type drama.
After I had laid my petitions, er, complaints, before The Father, He gave me a hug then whispered these words, which shut me up quick, fast and in a hurry:
Focus on what you have, not on what you have.
Meaning, focus on the joy you have, on the daily, being able to be of service, to be able to laugh most of your work day.
Focus on the many lives you have been able to bless with your essence, with your coins, with your willing heart which has touched many a folk through the years.
Focus on the relationship you have, with Him, with Life, with others as you have been able to remove a pebble from folks mountains of worry, stress and fear.
“Ah, Father, I SEE! It’s not what I have, meaning finances only, but what I have: peace, joy, love, humor, integrity, fortitude, stick to it tive ness and all the other things I have gained while scraping by, making my way through, being about it as I have waited and done what I could/can for financial freedom to do what I really want to do.
In fact, I already am doing what I really want to do. Encouraging folk, through the written and spoken word. I am already working from home. Yes, I want to be able to work from home and be paid from the gifts He gave me and working for ME, and not a company. I want the satisfaction, as quite a few have, of seeing if I can feed myself whilst feeding others.
I know most writers have this same dream. Yet, I write not to see my name in lights. Not anymore. In my younger days, I wanted to see MY name in a bookstore. I wanted to see MY book jacket with MY picture with me staring scholarly in a far off direction gazing at only God knows what some of these writers are looking at on these book covers and jackets…smh.
Yet, that was only a very tiny part of my dream of writing. Mostly, I have always wanted to encourage folk and let them know they can. Make it. Take it. Shake it. And, all the other words that rhyme or mean folk CAN do.
All my life, mostly until I was in my 20s, I had been told I would end up pregnant by the time I was 16 and have many kids. 54 years later, I am still childless…*shrug*. Wonder what folks have to say now? O, yea, they replaced that with I would never go to college, I would never amount to anything. I would never have this. I could never do that because I was black, a woman, not good looking, not good at this, too good at that. On and on and on and on and on….*sigh*.
Now, I KNOW all that I have. Now, I can also:
Focus on what you do not have, not on what you do not have.
I do NOT have:
Fear, of the present.
Anxiety, of the future.
Regrets, of the past.
I no longer worry about what I do not have. Meaning, I write and do what I can and am not waiting until a flood of cash land in my Cash App. Yes, I think it would be wonderful to wake up to a nice Cash App total from someone, somewhere…..lol…..hahahhahahahahahaha!! In fact, I told God, in a huff, last night to hit up my Cash App pronto!…..hahahahahahahhaahahahhahahahahha! Now, I calmly say “Hey, Father, can you please/thanks hit up my Cash App tonight?”
In the meantime, I am continuing to live, in the meantime. I am doing my best to keep doing my best and leaving the rest up to God and Life.
Time is short, beloved.
Focus on what you have, not on what you have.
Be encouraged.
rejoicing,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Lift up your head, beloved.
Look into His Eyes.
You won’t see shame in His Gaze.
You will see His Love.
You are loved.
No matter what.
The world has been cruel to you at times. It’s gaze has been harsh, judgemental, at times abusive.
So much so, your gaze began to lower. Until, you looked not into the eyes of life, of Life, of God, of you.
Look up, now, beloveds. Look into His Eyes and see how much you are truly seen.
It’s alright now, beloveds.
It’s time to put it away now.
No more carrying shame. Take it to the cross.
Put it away now and look up. Our help cometh from The Lord.
looking up with you,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
The shower felt fantastic!
My me time was especially tasty, tonight.
I started early. Instead of waiting til the last minute and dragging myself to my workstation for the final push of overtime, I got up two hours early to enjoy an absolutely fantastic extra long who cares about the water bill shower!…*hugs self*.
Afterwards, I flopped on my bed, deliciously naked. The gentle caress of the fan carried me to blissful places. Free, I flung my garments whithersoever they found themselves. Meaning I left them next to me as I basked in utter nakedness an freedom.
I was home.
I was safe.
My body was safe.
My body was my own.
I was safe in my home.
Only ones who have not felt safe. Only ones whose body unwilling became the source of another will understand what hidden gems lie in this piece. Yet, many of them have not regained their autonomy back. They will.
In the meantime, as I feel too good right now to go there, I shall remain, here, naked as a jaybird and free.
I will say one serious thing:
We are NOT the awful things that have happened to us. They happened. They were awful. We are not.
We are not even victims. We are:
More, than conquers.
Precious.
Priceless.
Those things that happened to us did not make us anything. We were and are already great. Greatness was the seed planted when we were all yet seeds.
Those things that happened did not kill us, did not and does not define us. We have, we are, we continue to overcome, master and live a glorious life.
Ah, I am naked yet covered by His Love. How much safer could one be?
Cassandra aka Jaybird.
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 