Month: April 2023

I wonder no more.

I wonder no more.

What a wonder!

Amazing.

My heart is now still.

My heart

I no longer wonder if I am loved.

I KNOW I am.

I no longer wonder if I am received.

I KNOW I am.

I no longer wonder if I am cherished.

I KNOW I am.

I no longer wonder if God loves me.

I KNOW that He does.

I no longer wonder if Life will open It’s door for me if I only keep knocking.

I KNOW It will.

I no longer wonder if I can do it.

I KNOW I can.

I no longer wonder if I can make my dreams come true.

I KNOW I will.

I no longer wonder if I will be loved by man.

I KNOW my fam loves me.

I KNOW God loves me.

I KNOW I love me.

I KNOW Jesus loves me.

I KNOW my wombie loves me.

I KNOW my siblings love me.

I KNOW my podmate loves me.

I KNOW my accountability partners love me.

I no longer wonder if my worth is tied up in my efforts.

I KNOW it is not.

I no longer wonder if I will be loved even when I fail.

I KNOW I will be loved even when I fail.

I no longer wonder if God will love me even when I fall.

I KNOW God will and does love me ESPECIALLY when I fall.

I no longer wonder if I will be received.

I KNOW God and Life receives me as does those who truly care about my life.

I no longer wonder why.

I no longer wonder if I will fail.

I KNOW I will fail. Yet, I will rise, again.

I no longer wonder why.

I KNOW life happens to all and that I WILL be alright.

I no longer wonder if there is a significant other out there for me.

I KNOW the life I live, right NOW, is already significant. If God and Life adds someone significant, wonderful. If not, I am truly enjoying my relationship with Jesus, sitting in The Father’s Lap, enjoying long yaks with my wombie, with my big bros, with my big sis, texting with my work children, exploring all that makes me me and a million other people, places and things that makes my life, well, significant.

I wonder no more.

content,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Decaf and me.

Smh.

Dare I speak of the utter Kuerig tragedy and share the past days anxt of NO coffee!…*gasp*.

No, I dare not speak of these horrors. Nope, won’t go there about the many tantrums I have thrown. I will NOT admit to trying to use a paper towel as a filter and put too little coffee grounds in too much water therefore grounding my old school way of having to actually make a dumb cup of coffee using old school coffee grounds and a stupid paper towel for a stupid dumb filter I have a million of and can’t remember where I put the dumb things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

There is ZERO chance I will admit that I finally cried uncle and put in an emergency coffee order. I ordered, or so I thought, I jar of Folgers Instant. First thing on the list, or so I thought. Humming through my day, knowing my coffee-less life would have coffee, come 3 pm delivery time, I sang and danced my way through the work day.

Fast forward to lunch, yippppeeeeeeeeeeeeee, delivery time. Singing tralalala gaily through the living room, I flounced and bounced my way to the kitchen. Dramatically, I gleefully refilled half empty sugar and creamer cannisters. Heckamiah Jeremiah I even brought out my clear saucer and fave coffee mug so I could enjoy my coffee. Finally!!

3 pm found an expected knock at the door. Flinging other groceries this way and that I dug my way through my goodie bags ready to pounce on the goodness of my Folgers Instant….hhmm.

Huh.

What?

What?????!!!

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

*Wails of agony wended themselves towards heaven as Cassandra realized everything came but the cofffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so now I have to tell on myself, beloveds. Don’t tell okay? I don’t want to tarnish my fabulous image…lol.

It had been on me to switch to decaf for a bit. I kept telling God, Life, me and all who would listen I would switch, soon. Apparently, my soon was not soon enough. Rather, not soon enough for Life. One broken Kuerig, one grocery order arriving sans Folgers Instant, one quiet sentence from big sis of ‘maybe you are not supposed to be drinking regular coffee right now’ and one ‘uncle’ from me got me stomping into the kitchen to brew a half pot of DECAF!…*horrified gasp*.

Yet, Life allowed the dumb coffee filters to come but not the Folgers Instant. I was not going to get a Can of Folgers as was going to get another Kuerig so no need wasting money when I now have a million useless kpods…smh.

Moral of the story?

Listen to the still small voice and don’t be hardheaded so Life has to snatch the life from your Kuerig…*pout*.

listening finally,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t be afraid to listen to your heart. Don’t be afraid to try those dreams that have been scaring you half to death. Don’t be afraid of your age. If young, your age is the best weapon you have. If older, your age is the best weapon you have! You got this. Life is short. Say. Live. Love.

Why do you care?

Why do you care?

WHY do you care?

Why do YOU care?

Why do you CARE?

I have been asking myself these questions for 54 years….*shrug*.

Will probably be asking this same question 46 years from now…*shrug*.

I just know that I do.

And, I just want you to know that I care about you, beloveds.

Why should YOU care, you ask?

*shrug*…heck if I know. I just do.

Not sure if MY care means anything to YOU.

I just know that YOUR LIFE MATTERS TO ME.

‘Nuff said.

Maybe, if more folks cared about others as me this world be as divided and acting a fool the way that it is.

I have a question for YOU, beloveds.

Why do you care?

WHY do you care?

Why do YOU care?

Why do you CARE?

The answer to these questions may change your life. The answer to these questions may help you change my life. The answer to these questions may help you change the lives of countless of others. Starting with your own.

In case no one has told you today:

I love you.

You are loved.

You are precious.

You are priceless.

Your life was worth the death of a King.

Easter is coming. He gave so that you might have.

Be encouraged.

You are NOT alone.

His and yours,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Dirty dishes: Your habits will tell on you.

My dishes have been in limbo, the past few days.

They are either rinsed and ready to be put in the dishwasher. Or, found sitting in hot sudsy water waiting to be handwashed. Sadly, the hot sudsy water finds itself turned into cold, pitiful, no longer sudsy icky goo I ain’t sticking my hands in….*shiver*.

So, I find myself dumping out said ew, either starting AGAIN…*sigh*…with hot sudsy water, determined to get these blasted things washed. Only, to turn back into cold, pitiful, I ain’t sticking my hands in that cold grey matter ooze.

To make matters worse, now the dishes have really piled up as of course I have eaten and added more dirty dishes to the pile.

Our habits, though, will tell on us. Thankfully, I have been cultivating and making out with good habits. Have kicked my old lover, old habits, to the curb. Alas, old habits are hard to break. Or, so they try and tell me.

Yet, even old habits can be helpful. Their re-entry signals that something may, and is, amiss. After sitting down and having a super long chat with old habits, we both agreed that I was covering up missing my mom and hiding in an old familiar cave of “suck it up buttercup”. Decided to leave the cave and give myself permission and space to just…miss her.

Not in a melancholy way. But, a she sure was fun and a good person kind of way. I let sad join me and grief and we shared some tears, some laughs, some decaf(another story for another post) and had a good time. So much so that Jesus brought mom and we all had some great laughs.

Then, new habits and I did what was needed:

Took out the trash.

Washed the dishes.

Exercised a bit.

Wrote a bit.

Chillaxed a bit.

A bit, at a time, I found my heart warming, once again. Basking, in the sunlight of honesty, tears, truth, trust, hope and love.

Trust, in God. Trusting enough to share how much life was hurting.

Trust, in Life. Trusting enough to let Life know how much not being able to do as my heart longs to do was hurting.

Trust, in ME. Trusting enough to let myself be honest with my heart, with myself. Trusting enough to admit that I was already in the dark place and space I was desperately trying to work away, distract away, sleep away, all manner of away. Until, I allowed myself to speak the truth outloud:

Father, I am in a dark place. I am in a dark space. I don’t know how. I don’t know what. I don’t know when. Not knowing is the problem. Yet, You are The Answer.

*Cassandra climbs down from The Father’s Lap, after having shared her heart, and got on with the getting on of life*

What’s the moral of the story, you ask?

You tell me. I don’t have time. I have dishes to wash. Let me know your thoughts, eh?

rejoicing even in grief,

Cassandra

P.S. I love you mom. I miss you. Be well, my queen….*sigh*.

Note: Don’t allow hard times, sad times, mad times, or any other times to keep you from keeping on. Keep doing you. Rest, when you need to. Cry, when you need to. Be sure and pack plenty of joy, though, in your day. We get but one go around this joint called life. Live. Love. Laugh. I love me some you. Love me back, wouldja please/thanks? Asking for a Friend.

Wait: Part II.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

“I will”

*Cassandra turns away from the mirror and gets on with getting on with it.*

Waiting can be sooooooooooooo:

Frustrating!

Need I say more?!

Ack!

Waiting, sans coffee can be soooooooo:

Frustrating!

*stamps foot*

I feel like my now defunct Kuerig:

Empty.

Non-functioning.

Useless.

I have all these kpods, now homeless. Angrily, my kpods stare at me wondering what they are supposed to do now?!

*Cassandra shrugs and tells the kpods they appear to be in the same waiting boat as she*

I would dearly love to wax poetic and write cleverly about how the kpods are a metaphor to life.

However, the urge to toss the now useless kpods out the window is over powering the need to be poetic and encouraging.

Thinking of the now defunct Kuerig, Cassandra’s brow furrowed in frustration. Which led to arms flinging themselves upon Cassandra’s hips. Not to be outdone, Cassandra’s head haughtily lifted itself to show it’s displeasure.

*Not wanting to get into more trouble, Cassandra hastily borrowed fingers and tapped out an emergency instant coffee ☕ order.*

Outraged by the thought of instant coffee, Cassandra’s palette decided to go on strike.

LOL.

That said, waiting patiently is important.

Waiting patiently is crucial.

Anxious waiting only leads to anxiety and gives doubts access to ALL of your piece of mind.

While you wait for whatever it is you are waiting for:

Live.

Love.

Laugh.

Be encouraged.

You have come far from where you were.

We shall get there.

Enjoy the journey.

Even the frustrating parts.

Especially the coffee-less frustrating parts.🤣

laughing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Wait: Part I.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

“I will”.

*Cassandra climbed down from The Father’s Lap and went about her day*

It sure can be hard to wait.

Even more, it can be agonizing to wait PATIENTLY.

Yet, it’s important.

To wait.

Patiently.

Waiting anxiously is simply a waste of time.

Time WILL pass.

The wait SHALL end.

How shall YOU be AFTER the season of waiting?

I have NO idea, Cassandra whispered to her heart.

Keep trying, her heart replied.

I will.

waiting,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Good grief!

Whew.

Get gone!

GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!

*Cassandra slammed the door on grief, turned on the lights, washed the dishes and got on with living*

Life is short. If you should be in a season of grief, of winter, take grief AND winter out into the sunlight and bathe in The Son. 🙂

be encouraged,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

To be continued. I think…

To be continued.

I think.

That’s what my heart keeps saying to me.

I try to get her to forget about her ache but she won’t quit me. No, she won’t leave me alone.

I try to hide, from her lonely, from her sad.

If truth be known, beloveds, if I slow down I may find out that her sad really is my own.

I dare not slow down long enough to find out.

To be continued.

I think.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep reaching out, beloveds. Keep loving folk. Starting with yourself. Especially with yourself. Also, know that you are NOT your emotions. You have them. They are a part of you. Yet, you are so much more than how you feel.

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings but not to be led around by them. Those puppies will have you every which way but loose if you are not careful. It’s why I am ‘writing it out’ as my wombie told me to do.

I wish I had enough me to go around so I could encourage and care for the whole world. I can’t. So, I pray to He who CAN and DOES love the whole wide world. Be encouraged…

Ow!: Stop stepping on me.

Ow.

Oww!!

OWWWWWWWW!!!!

Me: What the world the matter with you?

My heart: I am TIRED of getting stepped on!! Ow!!!

Me: Who has stepped on you now.

My heart: Well…..hmm….*shrug*….I dunno. Just know life hurts so much now.

Me: What can I do?

My heart: That’s the problem. I don’t know what to do with YOU. You are running round, to and fro. Trying to DO this. Straining to BE that. And, you are yanking me with. It does not feel good, dontchaknow.

Me: So, what can I do? For, YOU?

My heart: That’s the problem. YOU can’t give me what I need, right now.

Me: What do you need?

My heart: Care.

Me: I care, as much as I can. Just does not seem to be enough, right now. Am missing mom something terribly and that makes me harder on you.

My heart: *sigh*

Me: *sigh*

Me: Let’s go sit with The Father.

My heart: Okay.

*Cassandra tucks her heart into her pocket, climbs onto The Father’s Lap, lays her head on His Shoulder and tells Him all about her sad. He understands. Whispering in her ear where only she could hear, The Father shared words of care, concern and love*

To be continued.

I think.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Sometimes, you just don’t know what you just don’t know. Keep sharing. Keep trying. Keep going. Even, when it’s hard. Especially, when it’s hard.

Mama’s tummy: Cassandra, everything WILL be alright.

I started this piece a week ago.

It was supposed to be a triumphant piece. A piece where I ended up slaying this dragon, chasing away that goblin. Basically, by the end of the tale, I would have vanquished every foe. Yea, I was going to do the mike drop from being satisfied with encouraging the whole blasted world.

I was going to take a bow, take two seats and have a victorious cup of coffee.

Speaking of which…..scuse me for a minute….

*screams of agony and anxt could be heard as Cassandra wailed, moaned and travailed over her now defunct Kuerig machine*

Coffee-less, Yes-less, and still living in a world full of yet, I have found myself, yet, again, in the land of what the world going on around here?

It has been silent, the past few days. I just now realized I had stopped playing my music. Am trying to figure out when my music stopped which caused me to stop playing my music.

Ah.

Aha!

Easter is coming.

It’s almost here.

Easter is hard for me. Easter was one of mom’s fave holidays. I thought I would be okay without her this year. Year 6….*sigh*. It feels like the first one without her. I thought time would make things easier. Make her loss easier to bear. It hasn’t.

The passage of times just seems to make the holidays a bit harder. It seems like time just laughs at me, around the holidays. Time taunts me and jeers at me wondering why I am still stuck in this missing mom type of place when the holidays come around.

It’s hard to hide my lonely and my grief around the holidays. Holiday days echoes so loud for those who have lost loved ones. Holidays, it appears, were only meant for those who are a part of a family. For those who are without…*sigh*.

On days like today, I used to call mom. And, she would ALWAYS say “Everything is going to be alright”. The way she said it, I ALWAYS believed it. Even on the toughest of days. On those super hard days, just knowing I could call my mama and have her tell me everything would be okay made the toughest days doable.

I can’t call her now…*sigh*.

I also used to love laying on her tummy. Mama had a Buddha tummy. Nice, warm and super plumpy. I would climb my too old self on her bed and lay my head on her tummy. She would laugh and the rumble would make her tummy tumble deliciously against my tired cheek.

I need a mama’s tummy.

I need a mama’s “Everything will be alright”.

The silence is defeaning.

I find myself wandering, today.

Away, from the silence.

Towards, mama.

Mama, where are you….

wandering,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: For those struggling with loss, losses, or just struggling, hang in there. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Acknowledge that you feel and know that it truly is okay to not be okay until you find yourself okay again. Be encouraged. You are not alone. Days like today…whew…*Cassandra climbs on The Father’s Lap and whispers how very much she misses her mama’s tummy…*sigh*