Month: April 2023

Mountain mover: One pebble at a time.

I move mountains.

Every day.

One pebble at a time.

I used to think I had to move the whole thing. In one fell swoop.

Some can.

Some do.

I used to compare myself to the big earth movers.

Not anymore.

I am content.

Here.

Home.

Financially barely scraping by. The bills grow larger as my check grows smaller.

That matters not to me.

Not anymore.

I used to define myself by how long, how hard, how devotedly I worked for God, for Life, for others.

Not anymore.

Now, I KNOW my try is enough.

For, God.

For, Life.

For, me.

No, it’s apparently not enough for some.

The world wants to run me ragged.

Some folk want me to run myself ragged.

For, them.

Removing THEIR mountains.

For years, decades even, I tried my best to remove as many of folks mountains as I could.

In between that, I tried to remove a bit of my own. Yet, was sooooo exhausted from doing THEIR WORK I did not have the energy for my own.

Thankfully, God and Life cared enough about ME and gently pried the shovel from my weary hand.

They taught me how to rest. Then, taught me to just work on removing one pebble at a time.

I started with fear. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step.

Until, I had cleared the path. Only to discover anxiety right behind. Boy, THAT anxiety mountain was a beast to clear.

Yet, clear I did. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step. One pebble. One step.

Until, I had cleared a path. Only to discover doubt right behind.

Yet, I continue to clear…

One pebble.

One step.

Keep going, Cassandra. You can do this.

You CAN.

You WILL.

moving mountains one pebble at a time,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep being you, beloveds. Keep doing you. The best you can. That’s ALL that is required. Yea, that mountain may be huge but it CAN be moved. One pebble. One step…..

You won’t always be Superman, Clark Kent.

I’m feeling my humanity today.

Not able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

Yet, I know that who I am is NOT how I feel.

A good thing, that.

To KNOW I am so much more.

That’s also the problem.

Knowing that I am so much more.

More what, I want to ask myself.

I just wish I KNEW what in the fresh egads what I am supposed to be DOING WITH THE LAST HALF OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!

Ack!

Fresh goodnight!!

54 and counting.

54 and counting…

Good crimeny, beloveds. I feel like a bloody cursor on a blank computer screen!!!!

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting to find out what in the world to type next.

Waiting to find out what to DO next.

I am so tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want God to hurry.

I want Life to hurry.

*stamps foot*

Okay, I don’t want Them to hurry.

Not really.

I don’t want a half baked dream, you know.

Yet.

See!?

There is that stupid YET, yet again…

*sigh*

I keep running into yet. Could have sworn I had heard Him say yes.

Yet.

Yet…

I am soooooooooooooooooooo feeling like Clark Kent, these days. The days feel as though they are laughing at me. Taunting me. Keeping my dreams just out of my reach. I want to tell the days to go ahead and kick some rocks and leave me alone.

To find myself, yet again, waiting, waiting, waiting for my yet to be turned into yes.

My cape is waiting, Father.

WHEN will You allow me to do me some me how I would want to try and do me? I don’t know if I will succeed. I just want to try. My try is getting on my last nerves banging on my heart’s door. Demanding to be seen, heard and able to do what it wants to do.

Let me try, God.

I just want to try.

Let me try, Life.

I just want to try.

Open, for me.

Finally.

*Cassandra puts on her Clark Kent glasses and keeps on keeping on*

Fresh egads.

Waiting still.

Still, waiting.

waiting whilst being still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Hang in there. Am saying this as much to myself as to you. The older I get, seems like time wants to mess with my chicklets(mentals). Yet, God and Life has built in enough time for me to do what I can and shall.

Be encouraged, all.

We, CAN.

We, WILL.

My lonely just won’t leave me alone.

My lonely just won’t leave me alone.

I have done my all to distract her.

Yet, my lonely is refusing to no longer be heard.

She has been awfully loud, here lately.

Work, has not helped.

Sleep, has not helped.

Taking care of the needs of others, has not helped.

*sigh*

My lonely just won’t leave me be.

See, she wants to go outside and play.

My lonely is tired of being lonely.

I hide me lonely.

From, God.

From, Life.

From, me.

Especially, from me.

I keep telling me that there will be time for my needs to get met.

Somehow.

Some day.

Some kind of way.

Normally, lonely and me are super content. It’s just that Easter is coming. A more than one person family kind of holiday. Only problem is I live alone. I am alone. I FEEL alone on holidays like this.

Yea, beloveds, don’t tell, but when friends check in, from time to time. Doing their obligatory ‘I have to check on the poor old single still helpful woman’ bit….*sigh*. Anywho, I don’t want to mess up THEIR family thing with MY lonely. So, I tuck my lonely away and keep it moving.

Only, keep it moving went ahead and left me and my lonely to our own devices. Keep it moving went ahead and got together with act right and they are tearing up the town living with intentions and living their in the in the meantime right now.

So, here I sit.

Alone.

Wondering.

Too tired to wander much.

Too tired, even, to sigh.

*sigh*

My lonely just won’t leave me alone.

Not today.

wondering what to do with my lonely,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life can get to be a bit much, at times. The sheer exhaustion of doing the every day, EVERY day can be a bit mind bending, mind numbing, what in the fresh hell going oning….*sigh*. Hang in there, beloveds. Spring IS here. The long winter has passed. It has. It just seems to be lingering, still, in the soul. This too, shall pass. Hang in there. We got this. Keep reaching out and letting folk know what you need, letting God know what you need, letting Life know what you need. Your needs ARE important. As are you. We got this…