Month: June 2023

Stupid gnats!

Stupid gnats!

Stupid dreams!

Stupid life!

Stupid heat!

I quit!!

*stamps foot*

*Cassandra quits carrying on and keeps on keeping on*.

Ha!

Fooled you, didn’t I?

No quit in us.

Nope.

Nopers.

It’s hot. Gnats have invaded, my apartment, after maintenance left the door open and did some drywall work. The stuppiiiiddddd gnats about to drive me up ten walls and back. I would like to abandon my apartment to them but there are more bugs outside.

I was/am annoyed enough to tell God, Life, my try, and all of YOU, beloveds, to go ahead and take two seats and kick some rocks. I told God AND Life what in fresh hell is the point when it takes forever to continue to hear and see nothing but frustration on the way to my dreams!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, the real reason I am carrying on is I finished off the last of the Lucky Charms so have to fight with life on my own and comfort foodless. Darnitall. I do NOT want to take the high road. Not today, anyway.

It’s hot.

I’m old.

It’s hot.

I’m ancient.

It’s hot.

I’m…

You get the drill, right?

Instead of getting all up in my feels, I tricked feels and did the opposite:

I laughed.

I wrote.

I fussed with sis.

I reached out.

Again.

Silence has greeted me.

Again.

*sigh*

I fight on.

Again.

againing,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: When you are ready to give up….DON’T. Nuff said. Carry on…

I no longer question.

I no longer question.

Myself, that is.

Before, I questioned EVERYTHING about me.

Rather, I allowed others questioning, of me, to make ME question me.

NO more.

I no longer question my:

Worth.

Value.

Try.

Love.

Abilities.

Dreams.

I am.

Just that.

I am…me.

That is enough for me.

I no longer question.

I no longer question if I can.

I will.

I no longer question if things will work out.

They will work out as the outcome(s) deems fit.

I no longer question.

I no longer wonder if God loves me.

God loves me.

Without question!

loved,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

My dream(s) awakened: I dreamed of dad.

This morning, as I lay in silence and complete darkness, as yesterday, I dreamed of dad.

I was with one of my sisters. We were full grown, yet not, somehow.

It was odd. It was like watching myself, in an after school special. It was like two young actresses were playing the role of me and one of my sisters.

We were in a classroom. We were sitting, with our heads bowed low. We were silent.

Our dad stood, before us.

Demanding.

Demanding for us to recite for him.

Told us we had ‘better’ read to him and recite the ABCs.

The young girl, playing my sister, with head still bowed low, started to recite the ABCs.

I, me, grown me, entered the dream.

I, as me, grown me, jumped from my chair, defiant.

I was defiant.

For the first time.

No longer afraid.

Of him.

My dad.

I shouted.

I SHOUTED!

We will NOT recite no XYZLMNOPs for you!

What will you do if we don’t?!

We are grown!

I awakened from my dream.

What does this mean?

Only the day can tell me now.

There are miles to go before I sleep.

I have time for another nap.

I am headed back to bed for another nap.

Who shall visit me in my dreams next?

God and Life know but They are not telling.

awakened by my dreams,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I was really smart as a child. My dad used to call me his little monkey. This was not an endearment to me.

He paraded my smartness around. He toted me around making me show my smarts via my writing. Or, via sports which I was good at.

He would show off my report card. Not because of me but because I was his kid. I felt like a trophy. I never liked feeling like someone’s trophy.

I dreamed of dad.

I am NOT your trophy!

I am ME.

I shall NOT perform and recite your XYZLMNOPs!

I shall be me.

I shall live out MY dreams.

I shall stand.

I shall lift up my head.

I shall use my voice.

The voice you gave me.

The voice God gave me.

The voice I made me.

Ah.

Aha!

My dream(s) awakened: I dreamed of mom.

Yesterday morning,  I dreamed of mom.

We were walking together.

Her and I.

She never looked at me.

She walked beside me.

I walked beside her.

It felt so real.

I gazed at her.

It was good to see her.

I thought, to myself, it was good to see mom.

It had been such a long time since I saw her.

I awakened from my slumber and had an awesome day.

It was a joyous day.

Joyous, even though I had to work.

Joyful,  even without my sabbatical.

The day ended.

I slept.

Thanks for visiting me in my dreams mom.

Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Normally,  I sleep with the tv on. I used to do so as it helped quiet my racing mind. The tv gave my mind something to do so my body could rest.

A while ago, I had started shutting off the tv and letting my mind and body rest in complete silence. For whatever reason, I had gotten out of the habit.

Yesterday morning, the show stopped which woke me. I turned off the tv and tested in darkness with no sound. I dreamed of mom.

I didn’t think of it again. Until this morning.

This morning, the tv show ended. I turned off the tv and tested in silence and complete darkness.

I dreamed of dad.

To be continued…

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Don’t be afraid to reimagine.

Decided to make chili.

The Cassandra way.

Tossed in some of this.

Topped off with a bit of that.

Put in couple cans of whatsthis?

HHmm….

It turned out…

Aite.

Shrug.

Hmm.

Decided not to throw it out.

Let the Cassandra way chili sit, overnight.

Revisited.

Reimagined.

Hmm….

Tossed in some why nots?

Added a bit of hmmms.

Let it all simmer.

Ah.

Aha!

Tonight, I shall have a fantastic bowl of reimagined chili. Yummers.

In times past, I would have dumped it, ate it and not been satisfied, ate it not being satisfied and complaining the whole time, or, ate it and pouted until the next time I made chili and then would not have attempted to change things up.

Change is good. Change is necessary. The trick is to be patient with yourself as you learn to create new things.

Get on in there and start concocting, peeps!

Life and interesting fare await you. Yikes!

lol,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is short. Time to get on in it and mess some recipes up. If nothing else, you will give yourself something to laugh at…YOU!…hahahahaha!!

Beat the heat: Don’t let the heat beat you.

It’s hot.

*stamps foot*

IT’S HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

I HATE being hot. Detest it. Get to pouting, in the midst of it.

I must admit, sadly so, I used to get up all in my feels, when super hot, and refused to keep on stacking the day(s). So much so, I would:

Pout.

Stomp around.

Tell the rest of the day, up to and including a work day, to kick rocks and would fuss and fume amongst a pile of cool comforting eating.

How did this help, you may ask?

It didn’t.

Why did I act a complete fool when super hot?

hhhmm….

NO good reason, to be honest. I just did a lot of all up in my feels feeling and gave myself permission to act ten kinds of fools and feel sorry for myself because God, Life, fam, work, or whatever/whoever was getting on my last nerves were on my last nerves and the heat was just the last straw!…lol.

I have learned, over time, life is just too short to be wasting allowing heat, real or imagined, to keep me from doing all I know and all I can to keep moving forward.

There is something that happens inside when a mama gets lowered into the never regions, of the earth, where you can not follow. It makes one not want to waste too many more seconds acting ten kinds of fool when heat, life, situations, circumstances, were all up in the high 100s.

I must admit, it’s not easy, when life keeps smoking ones hind end. Whew!

During those times, just keep pressing on. The best you know how. Then, leave the results to do whatever the world they do.

Be sure to keep your joy with you. When you find it has been buried under the heat of life, scrounge it out of there, dust it off, and keep going.

This day, hot though it may be, is fantastic. The only day, today, I shall have. Tomorrow, should she graciously come, shall be completely different then today, THIS day.

Besides, there is nothing hotter than your will to succeed! Ha!

chiling in the heat of life with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I now question.

I now question.

Every lie I ever listened to that was fed to me by the world, by others, by the enemy, by me.

Especially, me.

The lie that I would never be all I had hoped to be.

The lie that I could/would never do all God and Life have/had asked of me.

The lie that I was too much.

THAT is true.

I AM too much.

Too much to handle!

Heeeeeeyyyyy!!

I now question, challenge, dispute EVERY naysayer and Cassandra-hater. It’s now a they problem, not a me problem. Without question.

I now question why I ever questioned me.

Without question, I am answering every question posed to me:

By God.

By Life.

By me.

Especially, by and for me.

Questions are important. They lead to so many discoveries. Mostly, about/within ourselves. Seeking leads to finding. Finding leads to more questions, I am finding….lol.

Ah, it feels good, now, to question, my questions.

Can I?

Will I?

Won’t I?

Why did I?

Why didn’t I?

I am enjoying discovering all there is to know about me.

I find me incredibly fascinating.

Don’t you?

Keep questioning.

questioning still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Day does not care about your feelings.

Day does NOT give two hoots about your feelings.

Yep, day says it is time to get after it.

So, we MUST get after it.

Whether we are:

Tired.

Bored.

Hot.

Broke.

Busted.

Disgusted.

Take your tired, bored, hot, broke, busted and disgusted self and get to conquering your day.

Life is short.

Time to stop wasting time, beloveds, don’tcha think?

Day could give two flying flips about your feels.

Get going.

Whether you feel like it, or not.

Whether you think you will get something out of things, or not.

Whether you believe things will do this, that, or the other thing.

Try.

Get up and try.

Something.

Somehow.

Some kind of way.

Make it work.

You make your foolishness work.

You make your laziness work.

You make your temper tantrums work.

Now, make your try work. Make it dance. Make it do what it does until it does what needs to be done.

Get going.

going with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Do NOT waste another moment arguing with yourself about what you do and do not feel like doing. Just do the thing, already! Life is so very short. Take your fear/doubt/anxiety with you as you go. Drop them off somewhere, far, far, away and keep moving towards your future. Whatever your future holds, don’t allow your present to hold a bunch of lazy. Tell lazy to go on ahead and kick rocks. I am kicking with you.

Believe.

Believe.

In:

You.

Your dreams.

Your present.

Your future.

Believe.

That:

You can.

You shall.

You will.

Believe:

In spite of.

Because of.

Believe in you.

Why?

Why not?

Why not you?

Why not your dreams?

Why not your dreams now?

Who say you can’t?

Who says you won’t?

Who cares you can’t/won’t.

You CAN.

You WILL.

Believe.

Believe it.

Watch what your belief will do.

Watch your belief will your dreams into existence.

Belief will.

YOUR belief will.

Believe.

In.

You.

God does.

Life does.

You must.

Believe.

believing in you,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Belief will carry you where fear and doubt never can or will. You CAN. You WILL. Keep going. Keep on being…you.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

I love you.

Love someone.

Starting with you.

Don’t let your yesterday dictate to your tomorrow.

Yesterday can be sneaky!

Yea, yesterday likes to be nosey and will try to run your tomorrow, if you let it!

Yesterday, does NOT like to be dismissed. Yesterday, can not stand being relegated to it’s rightful place…YESTERDAY!

God gave yesterday, yesterday, for a reason. We can’t have a successful tomorrow, if we are forever trying to live in and stay a part of, yesterday.

It matters not if yesterday was the best day, you ever had. Doesn’t even matter if yesterday was the worst you have ever seen.

Yesterday, belongs with all the other yesterdays: In yesterday.

I found myself spending all day, today, wresting my tomorrow from my yesterday.

Let go.

Let tomorrow go, yesterday!!

You had your day.

You had your say.

Tomorrow IS coming.

Today is already here.

Stop wasting the time.

Yesterday, your time has passed.

Thank you, yesterday.

For helping to prepare today.

For counseling tomorrow.

You have done your job, yesterday.

You won, your way. Now, let tomorrow have it’s say.

Please know, yesterday, God, Life and I know that we would not have come this far without you.

You have done your work. Let today do it’s part. Let today, then, hand the day over to tomorrow.

Take care, yesterday. You shall never be forgotten as you contain moments too precious to forget. Rest now.

*Cassandra takes today’s hand and walks towards tomorrow, not knowing if tomorrow shall be there…*

living in the moment for the moment
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: The night before we start the work week can be challenging. It can be tough to not dread the coming busy week. Enjoy each day, each moment. Who knows what the tide shall bring, to quote a famous Tom Hanks movie…