Egads, this has been such a tough week. It’s ok to want to tell the world where to take itself. Just can’t give up or give in. Life is short. Love as many folk as you can for as long as you can while you can.
Miss you, my friend. Can’t believe you will be laid to rest on Saturday. Fresh hell.
Keep going, all. We got this. Even the hard shit. I am not much of a cuss person. I have been wanting to cuss out the entire world for having the NERVE of continuing on. Shit.
What a tough weekend. What an AWFUL way to begin 2022. That’s what I thought, yesterday.
That’s what I STILL feel, today. Yet, it’s almost midnight and I find myself doing the weekend chores I was too through to contemplate doing. But, I kept hearing some ANNOYING person carrying on about making chili and being about it.
I found myself, up and at ’em, well after 10, vacuuming, preparing my office so as to be able to hit the ground running.
Here shortly, I am fixing to take out fixings and make me some chili at midnight. Why? For one, I can imagine my friend, in heaven now, tsktsking about me making chili, at midnight no less. I can hear her, already, fussing/laughing at me making chili, at midnight.
“Really, Ms. Cassandra?!”. Her favorite line, towards me. I would shrug and say “You already KNOW that’s how I roll. Don’t judge me”. We would both laugh. I would hug her. I would roll my eyes at her wearing my favorite green sweater. She was forever cold but forever forgetting to bring a sweater.
I think of her, now, wrapped in my green sweater, gossiping to the two moms. She is telling ALL my secrets. Hey! You know, beloved, what they say about snitches!? She liked to say that also. Ah, beloved, rest in peace, my friend. I got this. You did yours. We shall take care of those left behind.
Beloved, I shall endeavor/promise/try to, well, endeavor and TRY. I shall, give all that I have. I shall use all my cup holds. I shall give away as much of me as I have, as much as folks will accept, receive and stand.
For those of us, left behind, beloved, pray for us. Look out, for us, from above. There, way up there, in heaven. Dance, for us. Rejoice, for us. For, those of us, left behind. For those, who have forgotten how to dance. For those, too heart-broken to dance.
Laugh, for those of us left behind. Toss down some rainbows. Rainbows, God and Life’s Reminders, life doea and will go on. Reminders, the sun does and will keep shining.
I promise, I will…try. Even though, a part of me, feel as though I died a bit, too. The bit of me that only belonged with you. Look out, for that part of me. Give it back, when I see you, again.
Until then, I shall make some chili and keep being about it. Even when it’s the very LAST thing I want to do.
God and Life, please look after those of us, left behind, after a loss. Help us to know we are not lost. We are just lost in feelings, of loss. This too, shall pass. Give us grace as we graciously accept our daily cup. Flavor our drink with honey, comfort, peace, long-suffering, and, yes, joy and laughter to help us get through these tough moments. Help us, to embrace these moments, to continue to LIVE, love and grow in these moments. Help us to keep going even when we have no idea or have forgotten why we was being about it in the first place. We shall be ever grateful. Amen.
Life is shorter than you know, beloveds. Best be about being about it.
All day, all weekend, I have been wandering, wondering, whatthehelling. With on text, the year was turned on it’s head. Leaving me with questions I have been just too tired to answer:
Does the things that happen to us shake us, shake our faith, shake our perceptions, shake us out of a place we were destined to be shaken out of?
Once shaken, do we REMAIN shaken? Do we become fearful that other losses, other shakings, other takings are coming to get what we have, are coming to challenge what we know?
Do we give in, to the shakings, to the takings? Do we accept them, with a smile or fight to get back to the comfort, the comfortable feeling we had before we did an Elvis and was all ‘shook up’?
I thought getting beyond Christmas was the least of my worries. Who the hell knew that New Year’s Eve news would be just as awful as Christmas? Now, a tandem holiday period to maneuver and suck up and live through and grow beyond and…fresh hell. Crap.
Yet, the ONE thing I KNOW of a surety is this:
I am not alone.
I can get beyond this. Perhaps, not today. Maybe, not tomorrow. Or, the day after that. It’s a good thing that God and Life only gives us one daily cup of life. We were never meant to cram days and days worth of TRY in our cup.
So, fought, today. Fought, in my little girl’s panties with the purple daisies. Fought, my way out of my fortress of covers and comfort. Fought, whilst filling the dishwasher. Fought, while eating virtual chili with a friend and the two moms. Fought, while telling God and Life that I did not feel safe after suffering such a tough loss. Fought, while binge-watching Picard and yelling at Romulons. Fought, through tears remembering one whose voice I shall never hear say my name in such uproarious exasperation(I so enjoyed getting on her last nerves only to hear her sign/say “Ms.Cassandra!).
I have fought, in the meantime. Fighting, to get to…fresh hell. I have NO idea what I am pressing to. You would have to ask God and Life that one.
All I know is this:
I have been shaken, yet not stirred. I am NOT, deterred. I am not, broken. Broken-hearted. Yes. Broken. No. Life is much too short. Yet, long enough to make a difference.
I see folks posting about this resolution and that one. Losing weight. Giving up cigarettes. Yada. Yada. The easy, low hanging fruit folks use and do for a good day or two. Then, many/most go back to their hiding, pretending, feeding elephant ways…*sigh*.
As for me and my house, I shall continue to make the chili, take out the trash, try the TRY, carry lonely/hurting/tired hearts around in my pocket and hanging out with a Scot and the two moms.
No resolution. Just resolute. Determined to keep on keeping on, being about it and loving whosoever will.
What about you? What you doing with your daily cup? Stop wasting it! Get out of your feelings and do the thing.
Say.
Live.
Love.
fighting still though wondering if I shall ever win,
I don’t really know why but when awfulness rears it’s ugly head, folk tend to want to hide behind it’salrightness. That would be alright, if only things WERE ok, if they were alright.
What do you DO, then, with a world, with a cup, turned suddenly, irrevocably, unreconcilably on it’s head? How can you, now, drink from a cup full of bitter, full of tears, full of memories, full of things too hard to think about, let alone, swallow, live through and share?
I asked myself these things as I prepared to swallow the first tastes of the day. The flavor was quite bitter. My tears mixed with the sadness of unbearable loss. Perhaps, I could spare others this bitter after-taste, I told myself.
Rushing to my laptop, I fired it up. The blank page only stared at me. The silence joined the blank page and both said it was ok to not be ok and I should take some time. For, me. To, grieve. Silence said she would hang out with me. As long as I needed.
I was afraid to accept Silence’s offer. I wanted Distraction to come visit. Only, I promised me, long ago, to never use Distraction to hide. From, me. From, Life. From, a cup that would or could bear some awfully bitter and challenging things.
So, I welcomed Silence to join me in my fortress of covers and comfort. Silence is here with me, even now, as I look upon my cup. As I summon the strength to keep it moving. Alas, the day has been much too heavy for this heart to bear. ALL I managed to do was to turn on a light. One light.
I made a cup of coffee. Drank it. It appears the last of my courage disappeared with the last taste of French Vanilla. A moment’s satisfaction replaced with an eternity called the rest of the day.
Silence: You have done enough. It’s ok to not be ok.
Me: I promised myself, I promised God, I promised Life that I would TRY. Nevertheless, however. You know. Standing. Living and all that.
Silence: Tell the world to kick rocks, today. You don’t have to save the world. Not, today. Maybe, even, not tomorrow. Stay here. With me. Until you no longer need me.
Me: I don’t know what to do with you. I have no idea what to say to you, what to say to others, what to say to me.
Silence: Then do as I do. Say nothing.
Me:…*Cassandra is at a loss of words. She is at a loss. She feels lost*…*Cassandra does as Silence does and remains silent*.
silent still,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. Normally, I would insert inspiration, clever, a yippeee or two or three, here. I would expound on the need to move forward, to look upward, to strain toward dreams and goals and Hope’s etc. Not today. There are just times when life kicks you full in the chops. It’s ok to find oneself in a big heap of what in the fresh hell was that?! I find myself there. I give myself permission to stay there. For a bit. With Silence. How long will we be here in this what in the fresh hell place? Ask me tomorrow. I used up all my TRY on a cup of coffee with one light on.🤷♀️
PSA: Avoid, at all costs, text and phone calls that start with these words. Once, opened. Once, answered, in the affirmative, life inveretably, is never the same.
Like a dummy, I answered, said text. Answered, subsequent phone call and another impossible hole was carved in my heart.
Another precious soul I would never have another moment with.
IMPOSSIBLE!
PREPOSTEROUS!
Cruel.
Like every beaboutingest, we have to keep it goingest, allthingswillworkoutest, I did what was necessary…
I made an arsenal of pbj sandwiches, donned my armor of little girl panties(with the purple pansies),dived in my bunker of covers and food comfort, and hid from the whole damned world.
Defiantly, I turned out the lights. ALL of them!
Kick rocks, lights! Kick rocks, Life! You took a precious light, today. You have had your fun. Go away, now. Leave me be.
That was yesterday. An impossible day. It appears impossible has now bled into today. THIS day.
God and Life both asked me what I was going to do with this day. They had come to deliver my cup, you see. We get a cup of life, every day. Doesn’t matter what happened the day before. Another cup arrives, if we are blessed.
I looked, at my cup. I thought of the cup my lost light, would never again receive.
Dammit! I wanted to yell at God and Life that they should have given her mine. I am an old useless never going to have my damned dreams come true anyway lady. She, young, vibrant, hopeful, beloved…dammit!!😢
God and Life reminded me life just doesn’t work that way. Her journey has been completed. She is now home. I am still here.
God and Life again asked what I would do with my cup, with my day. I refused to answer, at first.
Yet, not answering was an answer all to itself. I did not want nonaction speaking for me. I stared, suspiciously, thoughtfully, tiredly at that damned cup. Crap! I didn’t know how many cups I had left. Best not to waste this one.
I found it impossible to leave my fortress of covers and comfort…
God: Make some chili.
Me: I can’t. Not, today. Not, yet.
Life: Do something else, then. Doesn’t matter what. Just DO one thing. Starting with turning on a light. Just one.
I thought a while. Made a decision. I did what every beaboutingest, we have to keep it goingest, allthingswillworkoutest, I did what was necessary…
I turned on a light, donned my armor of big girl panties(granny panties, of course), bagged up the trash, and commenced living in a…I don’t know what hell kind of world that keeps kicking the holy crapola out of us all yet still a good kind of world.
I would love to end this piece with inspiring words of triumph. I have none. Not, today. Yesterday, I did the dumb thing of opening a ridiculous text.
Real talk: As soon as this post be done, I am heading back to my fortress of covers and comfort. Will I rise, tomorrow, and use my cup? Ask me tomorrow. I got pbj and pjs waiting on me the rest of this day…
My brother gave me a Kodi player that never could or did act right. That said, I found it could play the movies and shows these apparently SMART TVs don’t like.
So, I have spent a wonderfully, delicious, frustrating, aggravating satisfying morning resituating the half working Kodi box, hooking up my external hard drive and am happily binge-watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. 💃🥰❤👍🤗
Success!
Yes, I have one extra remote I thought I no longer needed. Yes, I have one extra step to viewer watching, and, yes, I had to use extra hours to get situated and going.
The thing is, beloveds, I kept going, I got it going, and I am being about being about it!
Life will do what it do. It shall have it’s say. Life only wants to know how you will respond to the day’s happenings. Life just wants to see your TRY. That’s it. That’s all.
Just TRY, beloveds. You may have to drag out some old stand bys. You may be forced to try something new. Either way, you are growing, you are showing Life, you are showing YOU, that you CAN and you WILL!
Work with what you have, beloveds. Stop wasting time lamenting on not having this and needing more of that. You have all you need for a successful day.
hmm….*Cassandra feels a bit stuck in Groundhog’s Day. Seems like the same dumb Electronic I don’t give two damn and don’t want to work dumbness is going on*. Ack!
Today’s tormentor? FAT32, of course. What is FAT32, you ask? Exactly!? Pffft! Tell me, and we shall both know….*pout*…*Cassandra suspects yet another moving, inspirational post is fixing to be derived from yet ANOTHER dumb, ridiculous, stupid electronic failure/fiasco/what the f—…ooops….my bad….*…*Cassandra wonders how smart it is to be trying to wax poetic coffee free(gasp) while staring suspiciously at the external harddrive working it’s way towards 100% doneness of being done doing whatever the hell it started doing 13 hours ago!!!!!!!*
Yikes!: Okay, so, um, like me thinks you have forgotten you were talking to the beloveds about being fat when you were 32.
Egads!: Yikes! she was talking about FAT32.
Yikes!: What the world is FAT32?
Egads!: How should I know? She hasn’t told us yet. Why don’t you ask her?
Yikes!: YIKES!!You KNOW how she is ‘coffee-free’! You ask her? Egads!: Fat chance!
Yikes! and Egads! do the smart thing and beat a hasty retreat…
97%
97!!!!….*Cassandra does a jig. 97%!!*….*Cassandra dances about, prepared to forgive the now stupid harddrive if the dumb green bar can just get to 100% of doing something about the fact her now dumb movies won’t show up and work right already on her supposedly SMART TV that is now just as dumb as the other tvs that are not so blasted smart yet they are smart enough to NOT advertise not being smart and are therefore not held to account when they don’t do the blasted smart things the stupid SMART TV says it can and should be doing now!*
Whew.
Whew!
WHEW!
What’s FAT32? Why the world are you asking me for? Oh, yea, I was supposed to be providing you with inspiration, charm, wit, aplomb, beaboutitness, and all manner of getafteritness and wegotitgoingonlikepopcornness while deftly and charmingly explaining what the world FAT32 is in a witty and don’tgiveupyetness the world will enthusiastically approve/applaud from.
98%,
98!?…crap…*sigh*….stupid harddrive.
So, here I sit 14 hours after I started…*sigh*. I had the brilliant, or so I thought, idea of hooking up my external harddrive in order to watch stored movies and television shows so as not to have to be fighting with data text messages who have, here lately, been sending me taunting, warning messages of data usage. Now, you tell me how this is being my plan is supposedly unlimited. Do NOT get me started on THAT until AFTER I have had some coffee….
So, presto, hook up, ensconce myself in movie snacks and comfort and…..some play, some don’t, some show, some don’t. Crap! I can now admit, beloveds, that yelling, hollering, screaming at the SMART TV does not, in fact, get the now dumb thing to start acting smart and start doing the thing it is supposed to. However, yelling, hollering, screaming and such apparently will scare the SMART TV into admitting that for some reason FAT32 is or is not being recognized and apparently needs to be for some ridiculous or smart reason. Do NOT ask me. I am an electronic dummy, remember?
Long story short, I google FAT32 and am given wonderfully brilliant instructions that make not a whole lot of sense explaining how to install some supposedly smart assistant that will quickly and cleverly separate the NTSF into FAT32 so I can watch my blasted movies and shows. WTH!?
Did it work? How the hell should I know. The dumb thing is only at 99…10..it’s converting!! It’s converting!!!!…..*Cassandra does in indelicate indecent jig this blasted early in the morning but who gives two figs*….the operation has concluded successfully!! Yaya!!
Whew.
Whew!
WHEW!!
Did it work? Fat chance. Yet, it did get things more organized. For the SMART TV that is. As for me, I am still pouting my way through which movies will or will not taunt me and show themselves to and for me. Along the way, I did learn a bit more about what files will and will not show on this thing or in that way yada yada forever yada. Yet another adventure I will start, once I have had my coffee…*sigh*.
This was just another reminder, a daily reminder, to just keep on doing the blasted thing, the frustrating day, until it turns into a satisfying mess of a day but I am STILL here and trying type day. Ah! Another life lesson. Life is full of them, if you are open and willing to look and work and make the chili, take out the trash, do the TRY, hope when all feels hopeless and all the otherness and mess we MUST do to keep it moving, keep it going, being about it until we….beloveds, haven’t you not yet realized the brilliance of this thing called life?
There will NEVER be an until. We NEVER get there. At least, we are never supposed to. There is, has been, ever shall be something we are making our way towards, to, and or through. Why? Don’t ask me. Ask God and Life. All I know is that as we do this thing, as we be about being about it, as we strive, as we give our all, as we give our TRY, as we remove this, add that, fuss with this, embrace that. Well, we continue to find:
Lessons.
Essence.
Meaning.
Being.
Freeing.
Freedom.
Love.
Laughter.
Hope.
Joy.
Peace.
Frustration.
Tears.
Cheers.
And insodoing, we find….us!
Yep, you find, you. I find, me. How great is that!!? Like the toy in the midst of a satisfying box of Cracker Jack!!
Best be about being about it, beloveds. Time is short. Yet, we have enough time, just enough, to DO something, to BE, to give, to grow, to love. To do all manner of this or that. You just need to decide, then get off your hind end and do the thing already. You never know how long your thing will take. Mine has taken me 14 hours. How long did yours take? Lemme know.
That’s what I said. Once I had come to after having seen the sticker shock of how much it cost to mail a 17 inch laptop. Whew. 😭🤷♀️
Had to pay an extra ten bucks for my self-satisfied smirk. Karma exacting her revenge, you see. Told Karma “Whatevs” and did my mailing thing.
Seeing as how I had already cost myself for my costly mistake/misstep, I stepped my mistaken/misshapen/MsOppsIForgot self to McDonald’s for an equally ridiculously expensive breakfast!
YYYAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS! 💃🥰
Now free from fear, self-judgment, self-kicking my own hind end for an honest mistep/mishap, I could enjoy my TRY.
In times past, I would have done something super not helpful and or dumb like:
Hiding, behind pride, I would have humbly, and not humbly, ripped open the box that had taken two hours to get situated and would have ha! my way into ‘saving money’ in cramming the forgotten power cord in with the laptop. To pay for my crime, I would have been kicking my own hind end, berated myself for being an idiot, blamed God and Life for not reminding me not to forget the power cord, blamed you because🤷♀️ just to pass on the savings…*shrug*.
Hiding, behind self-judgement, I would have used forgetting the power cord, as an excuse to lament how much the world hated me, God and Life couldn’t possibly care about me, none of my dreams would ever come true, yada yada. Yep, would have used poor, innocent Power cord to pay for ALL life’s sins and indiscretions towards me. Smh.
Thankfully, beloveds, I have been being about it, getting some act right, leaning heavily on God and Life’s Deep and Abiding Love for me, living life instead of running/hiding from it, making the chili, taking out the trash, doing my TRY, on the daily.
Insodoing, I found…me.
I found, joy.
I found, peace.
I found, resilience.
I found, laughter.
I found, hope.
I found, freedom.
I found, love.
SELF love. I no longer had to wait for, hope for, long for love from another, from others.
Yes, I desire those. Still. Always. The human heart needs to be loved. Yet, I know, KNOW I am loved, of a surety. Completely. Fully. Always.
By, God.
By, Life.
By, mom, and a mum, perhaps many other mamas and papas, in heaven.
By, my wombie.
By, family.
By, me.
By, hopefully, a friend or two or three.
Yet, if none love me, outside the top three, well, that shall be enough. For, I am enough.
As are you. Time to stop kicking your hind end over past/present mistakes/misshapes/missteps/missed opportunities. You did your TRY.
So what if it costs you a few extra bucks because you forgot the cord. You did the thing, you was about being about it. Move on. Applaud yourself for the mess you made.
You were NOT among the masses, among the timid souls who do not enter the arena. You be the man in the arena!
*Cassandra congratulates herself on how she deftly and cleverly managed to slip in an ‘The Man in The Arena’ reference(awesome poem if you have never read it, by the by)*.
Long story short…hhhmm…🤷♀️. I guess I am just saying to keep on keeping on. Focus not on all you could have said, done, been. You are doing your all, being your all, emptying your glass. Let that be enough.
You ARE enough.
Keep going. You shall find something of infinite and priceless value along the way.
That’s what I said, beloveds, after TWO HOURS 😱😡🤬 of packing up a laptop to mail off to my wombie.
Self-satisfied smirk, upon my super wonderful and giving self, I self-satisfiedly prepared to snatch up car keys to get my car package off to the mail.
To my GREAT horror, and eternal shame, I felt a light tapping on my shoulder:
Power cord: Okay, so, um, nice wrapping. I see how snuggly, precisely and safely you packed up the laptop for your wombie. But, um, I hate to even say this…
Me: Can you hurry up, already?! I am hot, tired, annoyed with fighting with tape and styrofoam for two blasted hours!🤬😡. Well!!?
Power cord: Well, when. Egads! had best tell you. Hey, Egads!?
Egads!: Yea?…*Egads! leans over as Power cord whispers something*…o, my…hhhmm. Think Yikes! needs to be the one to tell it…hey, Yikes!?
Yikes!: What’s up? What’s with the pow wow?…hhhmm?…*Yikes! leans over and listens*…*GASPS *…heck no, I ain’t telling that!
*Yikes! and Egads! both decide to kick rocks and makes hasty exits*🏇🏃♂️
Power cord: It appears you may have forgotten to pack something.
Me: What could I possibly have forgotten?! I made a list! I double checked everything. EVERYTHING!
Power cord: You forgot to pack ME. 🤷♀️
Me:🙃🤔🤨🤯😭😱🤡🙊🙈🙉
*Self-satisfied smile now turned upside down, Cassandra digs up another box to pack the Power cord*…sheesh.
Don’t judge me, beloveds, it has been a long year…lol.
Forgetting the power cord was just a nice reminder to slow down, to make sure I have myself plugged in, to My Source, the right source, to ensure I am working correctly.
It’s a reminder, we can’t do this life on our own.
It’s a reminder, we may think we have done all, have packed it all in there, only to discover we have missed a step or two or ten out of haste or fatigue or any and all of the other things that tend to pop up to keep us from packing up our source.
It’s a reminder, ALL we can do, are required to do, is to empty our cup, best as we can, through the day and leave the outcome up to God and Life.
IF, you have done your best to be about being about it…
IF, you have emptied your cup and loved as hard and as long and to/for as many as you could…
IF, you have LIVED…
IF, you have LOVED…
IF, you have SAID…
If, and ONLY if, you have done these things, breathe, release yourself, from the fatiguing confines, of the day, and rest.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 