Category: Writing

Don’t allow hurt to hurt you.

Life hurts, sometimes.

Rather, the things that come upon us, while we are LIVING life, can hurt us.

And, that hurt often leaves us feeling, well, hurt.

By, God.

By, Life.

By, Love.

By, family.

By, friends.

By, situations.

By, circumstances.

By, fresh hell, by any and everything all at the same time, at times!

Crimeny!

Whew!

Here we find ourselves, beloveds, just one big old bag of hurt. Most have NO idea what do DO with the hurt.

So, we distract ourselves with food, with work, with, alcohol, with activity, with whatever is the LOUDEST thing to distract us from the hurt.

Insodoing, the hurt, or so we think, becomes us. Hurt is cunning. Hurt tries to become a parasite. It tries to attach itself, to our heart, in order to take over our actions, which will give it leadership, over our lives.

Thus, we find that HURT, now drives us. Hurt, now speaks FOR us. Hurt, now lives and breathes, within us. Hurt, now demands more room in EVERY relationship. Hurt, now builds walls to keep God, Jesus, life, Life, family, friends, society, the church, and all other people, places and things that God puts in our lives to comfort, heal and hold us.

You see, Hurt knows something we do not: Hurt KNOWS the INSTANT you turn on the light, darkness HAS to go. Hurt thrives, in darkness.

However, beloveds, God lives in BOTH darkness and light. You are loved. You are NOT alone.

Don’t allow hurt to hurt you. Rush your hurt to:

The Father’s Lap.

Life’s hands.

The Cross.

Do not allow hurt to make you hurt you. You are much to precious and priceless!

You got this, beloveds.

God and Life has us all.

Be encouraged.

here with you in the darkness,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Don’t allow your pride to keep you.

Don’t allow your pride to keep you.

Do NOT allow YOUR pride, beloveds, to keep you from:

Life.

Love.

God.

Others.

You.

Especially, you.

It IS truth pride goeth BEFORE the fall. Both God and Life gives us ample time to not do the thing, to refrain from saying the words, to stop the action(s) before those actions wreck something beautiful.

Pride, though, is SUCH a prideful, needful, arrogant, impudent thing. Pride can not stand to be seen. Pride can not abide air being given to anything but serving it’s need for constants, consistent validation. Pride could care less about you or I. Pride is a ravenous beast that can never be satisfied.

Pride will never allow YOU to see you. For, once you see you, you will know you no longer need Pride to run your life. You will understand, once you see YOU, you don’t need pride to validate you. You won’t need to fill pride with likes, subscribes, views, sex, money, homes, things, things, and more things to feel the empty inside you.

Don’t allow your pride to keep you.

Don’t allow pride to keep you from YOU.

Now, that I have seen me, I tell pride where to get off at, on the daily, on the regular!

Ha!

Life is much too short, to allow ANYTHING to keep us from experiencing life the way it was meant to be lived:

Loudly.

Unapologetically.

Fully.

Be encouraged, beloveds.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

Tell pride to take two seats and love someone.

Starting with you.

loving with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Mother’s Day: Stay in the fight.

So, my friend would NOT allow me to withdraw into my pre Mother’s Day whatever the hell this is that comes up before Mother’s Day.

I don’t know how she knew. Just knew she knew enough to keep pestering me to ask how I was doing.

Pride wanted me to lie and say all was well. Pride also wanted me to tell her to go kick rocks and leave me alone.

Grief wanted me to be honest with her letting me know how much comfort it is to allow oneself to BE comforted, in the moment.

Shame wanted me to keep my loud mouth shut as I used to in the past. Shame reminded me that no one REALLY loved ME. Yes, they love and need my encouraging words when THEY are hurting. As for me,…me.

Doubt wanted me to ‘test’ my friend. In order to ‘be sure’ she loved me. Doubt gave me really childish and dumb suggestions such as ignoring her texts, saying something really stupid like she wouldn’t care anyway so why waste her time. I told Doubt to shut up already.

Pain, well, pain didn’t talk at all. She just got to throwing them hands and knocking me about the room until I was too tired to cry Uncle.

Tired was, hell, tired was just too blasted tired of this now yearly struggle to keep moving forward yada damn yada, after doing the IMPOSSIBLE of watching mom’s casket being lowered into the ground. Dammit, mom. WHY, did you leave me with this now external fight?!

Sad, was truly sad and said it was okay to not be okay until I was READY to be okay. I told sad, okay.

Mad was, of course, mad and loving the freedom of stomping about, for no good reason. All that stomping around got on even tired’s last nerves. Sad escorted mad to the door and told mad to be about being outta here! That, made me smile.

Smile, having been granted entrance, sneakily brought joy, hope and peace with her, knowing Jesus ALWAYS accompanies joy hope and peace as He never likes to be left out when they are present.

Hearing all the joyful racket, The Father sat down His crown and went to join the shenanigans.

Acceptance, knowing entrance would now be granted, knocked on my heart and said:

Acceptance: Your mom was tired.

Me: I know.

Acceptance: It was her time.

Me: I know.

Acceptance: You must stay in the fight, beloved.

Me: I know.

Acceptance: You must NOT withdraw, from life.

Me: I know.

Acceptance: Let grief finish up her time and tell her to take sad with her. Be sure to keep joy, hope and peace with you. Tell them to keep the noise down. They have given me a bit of a headache.

Me: I will…lol.

After telling pride to kick rocks, I got up and got after it.

Thanks, my friend, for not allowing me to withdraw.

Thanks My Friend, Jesus, for not allowing me to withdraw.

Thanks, Father, for not allowing me to withdraw.

Thanks, Try, for not allowing me to withdraw. I tried. Yet, my Try absolutely refused to allow me to withdraw.

Now, I find myself dragging my tired and my sad, through the rest of the day to see what I will find at the end of it.

To be continued.

staying in the fight,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Hard times are just that: hard. It’s important to understand how much hard times hurts. Yet, it is equally important to understand you are NOT your pain. You are NOT your hard to me. You are going THROUGH a hard time. Simple as that.

The ONLY thing you MUST do is to…try.

That’s it. That’s all. You will win, some days. You will lose, some days. Yet, in the end, you will win this game called life. Stay in the fight. Stay. STAY! Be encouraged. Whatever your Mother’s Day is, be encouraged. You are loved. You are NOT alone. Keep on being…YOU.

No longer willing to be the elephant 🐘 in the room.

No longer am I willing to be the elephant in the room.

Those, who have been there and are there, know exactly what I mean.

As for the rest, I am no longer allowing myself to be fed 🥜 peanuts in order to protect those who should have protected me.

I remained silent, to protect them.

I remained silent, to protect him.

I remained silent, to my detriment.

I remain silent, no more.

Silently, I have been cutting up this elephant alone. I told myself what is the use, after all these years, to share that which fundamentally changed my life.

Yet, those things did NOT fundamentally change ME. THOSE things happened. To me. Never should have. THOSE things happened. I overcame them. With, God. With, Life. With, me. With, one of my sisters. With, a second sister. With, one trusted friend, a tiny bit.

What were those things, beloveds? Those that know, knows. That is enough, for now.

Now, I say to you:

Life is short. It is time, beloveds, for you to share the elephant you have cutting up, alone. You are not alone. Oftentimes, there is a sacrificial lamb, in the family, who is silently chosen to bear the brunt of family ugliness. Excuses are made about this one or that one in order for the rest of the family to walk amongst the elephants of violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental illness, over-eating, verbal abuse and all manner of things that have remained hidden everywhere.

Churches, allow these elephants to roam, freely. Friends, allow these elephants to roam, silently. Society, allow these elephants to roam, trying to cover them in diamonds, 💍 jewelry and fancy houses.

It is enough!

I am no longer willing to be an elephant in the room.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It is enough. 😥❤️❤️‍🩹🙏

Mother’s Day is coming.

Mother’s Day is coming.

Which means SHE is also coming.

The me, I turn into, as Mother’s Day draws nigh.

I become a stranger, during these times.

Bemused, I gaze upon this stranger, quietly, breathlessly, tiredly waiting to see what I shall say. Wondering, what I will DO.

I no longer run from this me.

I embrace her, now.

I respect her now.

I love her, now.

I listen to her, now.

I HEAR her, now.

Now, she is teaching me to:

Hear.

Listen.

Love.

Live.

Respect.

Embrace.

Mother’s Day is coming.

Which means she is coming.

I think I shall get her room ready.

I look forward to Mother’s Day, this year.

I look forward to meeting more of me, this year.

waiting for her,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Relentless: In pursuit of me.

Relentless.

He is relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Father.

Relent!

The Father, relents not.

Relentless.

It is Relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Life.

Life, relents not.

Relentless.

It is relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Love.

Love, relents not.

For, I am needed.

For, someone is hungry.

Someone else is tired.

So many others are on the verge of giving up.

Say, God says.

Live, Life says.

Love, Love says.

I will.

Relentlessly.

Starting with me.

I shall be relentless.

I am.

relentless,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Never alone: Going in search of me.

I have been looking for something.

I have been waiting for someone.

For months.

For years.

For decades.

Forever, it seems.

I have been looking for it.

I have been waiting for someone.

All my life.

For the whole of my life.

I have asked God if HE knew what I was waiting for.

God knew.

I have asked Life if IT knew who I was waiting for.

Life knew.

Repeatedly, I have asked God to show me what I have been looking for.

Relentlessly, God has used His Right to remain silent.

Relentlessly, I have asked Life to shoe me who I have been looking for.

Repeatedly, Life has used It’s Right to remain silent.

BOTH God and Life remain silent, still.

Still.

Still!

STILL!

So very still, in silence, still, God and Life remain:

Relentless.

Resolute.

Still.

Present.

I, too, remain.

I, too, remain, still.

STILL!

Still, I wait, for it.

I wait, still, for them to come.

Beloveds, do YOU know, of what I have been waiting for?

Beloveds, can YOU tell me, who I have been waiting for?

God and Life knows but neither is telling. How telling.

Ah.

Aha!

waiting still while still waiting,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Stay in the present: Tomorrow’s lemons

I was tired.

Just the THOUGHT of another Monday coming, made me tired. I thought of how things would probably be the same rinse/repeat cycle of fighting for, praying for, waiting for, struggling with a writing dream that just won’t get here already!

Dammit.

DAMMIT!!!

I soooooooooooooooooo want to tell this dream to kick rocks, to take two seats and to leave me the hell alone because it is utter hell waiting for it to get here already!

Fresh hell.

What’s worse, God and Life are forever cheering me on and telling me to keep on keeping on and trying when the LAST thing I want to keep doing is to keep doing and trying and waiting and not knowing and figuring out that I don’t KNOW how dammint to figure this writing thing out!!!!!!!!

God: Write.

Me: Leave me alone already!!

God: Write.

Me: Why? Nobody gives two flying flips about MY words. I am the old, fat, ugly, don’t know what the fresh hell I am doing WOMAN, don’t You know?!

God: Write.

Me:…*stomping to the computer*.

I will.

Fresh hell.

writing to whomever gives a good hoot whilst waiting on the stupid lemons of life to show up at the blasted door to teach me whatever the hell they are supposed to teach me before my ridiculous dreams either comes true or laugh at me for being dumb enough to be waiting STILL,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Okay, so do you REALLY need for me to spell out the moral here? Keep making the blasted lemonade. Someone can enjoy a glass whilst you wait. Who knows? They may bring some snacks to enjoy with it!

Everybody needs a wombie: She carried my sad for me.

Wombie: How you doin’ sis?

Me: I’m okay.

Wombie: How are you DOING sis?

Me: I’m tired.

Wombie: I know.

Me: I’m tired. I’m exhausted at the thought of having to make lemonade, tomorrow, from the lemons of life being the same old, same old.

Wombie: I know. I love you, sis.

Me: I know. I just. I just….

*sigh*

I love my wombie. She’s my twin. Too bad, for her, she is stuck with me. For, life….*gasp*.

I enjoy our talks. Yet, I just couldn’t do the usual life is going to be okay sooner or later. I just was too tired to contemplate beating the dream door down again, come morning. I just could NOT bear the thought of yet another basket of unfulfilled dream lemons being dropped off by life so I can make another damned jug of it’s okay my time will come lemonade. Again! Fresh hell!!

So, I cut our conversation short:

Me: I’m sad.

Wombie: I know.

Me: I’m going to let you go.

Wombie: Okay. I love you.

She prayed.

She let me be.

She carried my sad, for me.

What’s more, she let me BE sad. She just let me be.

Ah.

Aha!

Yes, everybody needs a wombie. Get yalls own. She is MY wombie….lol….

Since wombie is carrying my sad, I figured I would offer to carry someone else’s sad.

Hang in there, beloveds. It IS okay to be sad. I shall carry your sad around in my pocket. I shall take your sad, with me, as I climb on The Father’s Lap and ask Him to heal our boo boos and give us a nice sticker and super cute bandaid. Keep on dreaming those dreams. Keep on making that damned lemonade until they come true. Til then, love someone. Beginning with you. You are so much more than any old unfulfilled dream.

getting there with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s important to not struggle alone. It’s imperative to understand that struggles come and go. The storm passes. The test ends. Keep building your foundation of faith, hope, joy, love, peace, try, perseverance, understanding, empathy, integrity, and all the other things that shall sustain the legacy called you. Be encouraged. You got this. God and Life has us all. How much more blessed can we be?

She heard my secret shame, er, sad.

I was trying to hid it, from her.

My secret. Rather, my secret shame.

What was I ashamed of, you ask?

Why of me, of course.

I was ashamed to find myself:

54.

Alone.

Childless.

Dream fulfilled-less.

Financially unstable. Still.

Dammit.

Fresh hell.

Secretly, I have been ashamed of the me that has spent the past 34 years, at least, reaching out, ashamed to be a voice that no one seems to want to hear. THAT voice, it seems, is just too damned loud. THAT voice, is just too damned excitable. THAT voice, is just too damned gung ho to be about being about it. THAT voice, loves Jesus way too much and way too loud and obvious.

THAT voice, is forever rushing in to be of help, to be of service, to be of some semblance of a decent human being trying to take care of and support human beings who just appear to not give too damns anymore.

So, I have been hiding from HER.

She seems ME.

She KNOWS me.

Who is she?

If you have read any of my pieces you will have already gathered she is me.

SHE is me.

She IS me.

She is ME.

Dammit, SHE IS ME!

What’s more, she refuses to give up, on me.

Leave me be, I shout at her!

Let me alone, dammit.

Don’t you KNOW this world does NOT give two damns about you??!

I know, she replies.

She reminds me that the world just does not know how to love itself. The world is afraid to be. This is why the world dismisses me, she says.

She tells me to keep on loving people. She says that hurt people hurt people and are just doing the best they can.

I want to argue with her. I know, though, she is right.

God and Life, are on HER side.

TRAITORS!

They all laugh at me, encouraging me to keep going.

Ah, love, They say to me, keep going. Keep on being…YOU.

Fresh hell.

Dammit.

Okay.

I will.

*Turning, from the mirror, Cassandra goes in search of something priceless…herself.

here still(just barely)

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I honestly don’t know what to write. How can I encourage you when I am finding it hard, this morning, to encourage myself? I love writing. I don’t know why. I just do. The more the days pass, the less I want leave these words and return to my job….*sigh*. Writing is and has never been a hobby or habit, for me. Writing, encouraging, thinking about folks, caring, is who I am. I am finding doing anything else….*sigh*.

I guess, beloveds, I would say to you to keep moving forward. I AM writing. I AM encouraging folk, I AM living my dream of writing and drinking endless cups of coffee. I just don’t have the ocean, outside. I just don’t have the financial wherewithal to be able to do t his writing thing, for a living. It’s the endless struggle of writers everywhere. The very small few are able to do this for a living. The rest of us fith with the daily need to learn a living yet feed the writing best inside.

Keep on keeping on, beloveds. DO the thing you love. Even when it hurts because you don’t have the time to do it all the time. Do it in the window you have. God and Life KNOWS where you are. Perhaps, you are there to be a source of support and care, for others. I know. I know. YOUR needs are important, too. Yet, maybe, beloveds, God and Life knows They can trust you with someone else’s dreams as you help Them to help someone achieve their goals? Maybe, your life is where it is in order for you to help others to keep on keeping on when the LAST thing they want to do is to keep on keeping on. Being able to do THAT is worth it’s weight in goald.

So, I wait. I cry. I sigh. I sing. I chair dance. I drink endless amounts of coffee. I cook. I clean. I work. I write. I pray. Rinse. Repeat. The main thing I do, though, is to take God and Life with me through ALL of it. These times, these terribly lonely, sad, frustrating, awesome times are sooooooooooooo very precious as I walk with God and Life, learning about me, about my fight, about my try, along the way.

Who knows if I shall ever hold an actualized dream, in my hands, in my arms, to hold, tightly, for fear it shall slip away?

God knows, but He ain’t telling.

In the meantime, I:

Write.

Work.

Say.

Live.

Love.

Life is short. Live, with intentions, beloveds. If someone knows the moral of this tale, lemme know, wouldja?

pondering but not wandering,

Cassandra