Category: Writing

Stretched: Secret sad.

Have you ever had life sneak up on you and wop you upside the head, subtly, without your knowing you were knocked out?

I have been working, hard, trying to get my health back situated. I stopped eating potato chips. I re introduced veggies. I did this. I stopped doing that.

For a long time all was well. Until they weren’t. Found that grief and loss had found their way back into my heart. Dammit. I have been dealing with those dummies since mom passed away Christmas morning 2016.

Since then, I will be being about it, living life, doing me and then….record scratch, then one or the other will show up and show out. During those times I would find myself comfort eating. Dammit.

I have done much better at catching myself and rushing to The Father, climbing into His Lap and telling Him of all my grief and loss.

Yet, when we use a crutch, such as comfort eating, weight tends to pile up to help us take the weight off the grief and loss. Which, frustrating only adds more weight of sad and shame.

Which brings me to the point of this piece. Yea, yes, I have been stalling thinking and talking about this. Dammit.

I found myself unconsciously comfort eating a while back. I got some act right and kept it moving. But…*sigh*…

I ended up picking up a bit of weight. Before I knew it, my super cute panties appeared to have stretched, with me, leaving me with…..GRANNY PANTIES!!

*Horrified screams could be heard from every self-respecting woman who detests old, stretched out underwear!*

Now, I have to live with the consequences and put on my now not cute undies. Now, EVERY time I grab a pair, I am reminded of my weakness and giving in to my grief and loss.

What’s worse, I have been secretly punishing myself as I should have ‘known better’. I silently tell myself I should have kept being about it.

Stealthily, where only I could see, I began to judge my heart. I admonished myself and lectured myself that THIS was why my dreams have been in abeyance for decades.

I tore into my heart, playing prosecutor as I judged, juried and found myself wanting. Punishment, I vowed, would be to wear those damned panties as it was MY fault for having dammed myself to all the extra weight I would now have to start damned over and lose so I could get back healthy.

And no, beloveds, it is NOT fat-shaming to be confronted with the need to lose weight to help our organs take care of us.

The actual shame, the true shame, is the shame we carry. Which is why we have comfort eaten in the first place. The shame is ,we have been trained to keep our pain to ourselves. Leaving us to cope, badly, alone with grief, with loss, with those things which takes our breath and leave us gasping for air in a comma-less sentence.

God is good. He saw my secret sad. He saw ME. This is what He did:

God: Come.

Me: I can’t.

God: Come. Sit, with me. I miss your hugs.

Me: I CAN’T!

God: Why ever not, beloved?

Me: Because, I don’t FEEL beloved! Don’t you see? I didn’t rely on You. I did not stand, on Your Word, like You told me to. I chased grief and loss away with all those stupid Doritoes! See?

God: I see. Why is any of this important? Are you no longer My Daughter who is always precious in MY Sight?

Me: Well…hhm. Okay, it’s a bit hard to argue with You when You put it that way.

God: Come.

I will.

sad in secret no more,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life ain’t easy. We all find ourselves living with, dealing with the after affects of things we have done to sabotage our health, out wealth, and our dreams. We do this through our actions or lack there of. We do this through the people we allow into our lives who are not in them for our highest good.

We do this when we build our lives upon fear, anxiety and doubt. Yet, we can ALWAYS begin, again. And, again. Then, again. As many times and ways we need.

It is time, beloveds, for us to forgive ourselves for all we have done or failed to do. Enough! Lift up your head and go buy some new panties! I know I am going to.

Take your headache with you.

“I have a headache!”

“I feel AWFUL!”

“Man, I don’t feel well.”

“I wish I didn’t have this headache. I’m hungry and need to load the dishwasher. “

“Good grief, I wish my head didn’t hurt so much. I want to watch Wakanda Forever. If only my head didn’t hurt like this.”

“I wish I had energy to get out of bed and take something for this head.”

“I…!!”

Ow!

*Cassandra pouted at her, now pointing hand, that had just popped her upside the head and told her to STOP all that carrying on and to get on with carrying on already!*

*Cassandra got on with getting after it, taking her headache with her. Cassandra muttered about being sure to reach out to folks to be about being about it whether they felt like being about it or not.*

being about it headache and all,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going. Let NOTHING stop you from moving forward. Not even you. Especially, you. In times past, I would have allowed a headache to be an excuse not to do my this, my that, and my other thing. Now, I make the conscious decision to do the exact opposite of my old life habit suggestions and feedback.

Surprise, surprise, the headache settled down. The apartment is now filled with delicious-smelling grilled cheese. Lights are now dim and I am chair rocking to some FANTASTIC Angie and Debbie music. Ah!

Be encouraged. Keep going. Even when it hurts. Especially, when it hurts. Find a little joy somewhere in your hard. It’s there. So is all the other annoying emotions we often select. I choose joy and peace. Whatcha gonna choose, peeps?

Tell Him where it hurts.

Ow.

Oww!

Life has been hurting. Bad. I think it’s because Mother’s Day is sneaking up on me.

I tell myself I will be okay, this year. This year, I won’t miss mom as much as the year before.

Ha!

I miss her more.

Every day.

EVERY day!

Fresh hell.

Dammit, mom, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!

*stamps foot*

*smile*

I think I miss her so because the NBA Playoffs have started and Lebron James is playing against Stephen Curry. Mom, was a Kobe and Lebron man. As for me and mine, my basketball heart belongs, openly to Steph. Don’t tell mom but secretly I also root for Lebron and Kobe was sublime!

Mom and I, me and mom would call each other carrying on about them.

“Did you SEE what Steph did, mom!?”

“Girl, did you SEE what Lebron did!!?”

When games were on, I didn’t have to check the caller ID. Would just pick up the phone hollering…lol.

Since mom passed, Christmas morning, 2016, I have not been able to watch much. This year, I told myself I would try and enjoy the games, again. Mom would want me to.

Yesterday, Lebron and The Lakers took down Steph and The Warriors. I wanted to snatch the phone and get to hollering at and with her.

*sigh*

I did the next best thing. I crawled upon The Father’s Lap and told Him how very much I missed my mom. I asked Him how long it would be before my dreams came true? I asked if I would ever find some true homies that would call me, on the regular, just to see how I was. I talked to Him about concerns of growing older, alone. I let Him know I could use some Jesus with skin on.

I told Him where it hurts the most. Most folk put on airs with Him and only talk to Him about their triumphs. They are terrified to seek Him out when they are hurting or think they have messed up.

There is nothing more comforting then knowing we are loved no matter what. I pray more folks come to realize how short life is and that they will climb onto The Father’s Lap and give all their heartaches to Him.

No matter what!

Ah…*hugs self*

*Cassandra climbs down from The Father’s Lap then goes in search of her mom, who was probably shooting the breeze, pain-free with Jesus*

Hey, mom, guess what Lebron did last night!!🥰

taking the last shot and laughing at her mom,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Too often, folk are afraid. Afraid, to show their heart to others for fear they will be rejected. Too many, are terrified to be alone, for fear of what their heart may say to them. Too many times, folk are afraid to look up and reach for the arms of The Father, for fear He will look upon them with judgement, indifference or disdain.

Beloveds, you are beautiful. Lift up, your head. Look and SEE how much you ARE loved. You are. It’s okay. He understands. He knows where you hurt. He just wants to love you. ALL of you. Yes, He wants to help you grow and get some act right and rid you of all the folks and things that can and will hurt you.

Yet, He knows things takes time. Be good to you. Let go of those things and people that are not in your corner. If the folks, in your life, do not have the largest pom poms and loudest voices shouting for your victory…*shrug*…

Let them go, beloveds. Wish them well, then let them go. If a situation is not helping you to grow, let it go. You have done your best. If YOU have done things or have not done things that have kept you from getting where you have longed to go, let it go and begin again. You got this. God has us all.

Let HIM do the heavy lifting.

I have learned, rather am learning, STILL, to let God and Life do the heavy lifting.

Yes, we must do OUR part in the asking, believing, trusting and doing what we do then letting Them do Their thing in and for our lives.

I can not tell yoy how many times I have supposedly prayed about a situation. After whining, er, praying, I would rush, to and from trying to ‘fix’ the relationship or situation.

More often, than not, I would get in His way trying to figure and work things out. Smh…*sigh*.

I would fail to allow God and Life the space and time to work on me, work in me, work out of me, those things that were holding me back and keeping me from the thing or things I was straining for or to.

I used to believe it was the force of my passion, the strength of my tears, the force of my will and muscle that would make God turn the tide, in my favor.

God loves us and works for and in us simply because He loves us. He IS moved by your tears. That said, He will and does move, in your life, because you ASKED, because He PROMISED, because He loves you. Period.

So, Martha. Put down your work boots and gloves and allow God to move. For and in you. Be, as Mary, and sit with Him as He does the heavy lifting.

You don’t need to look for a knight in shining armor to rescue.

You already have a savior. His Name is Jesus. Holla at Him if you don’t yet know Him. He be Some Cool People.

Life is short. You do NOT have to struggle with all that heavy weight and baggage. Let HIM do the heavy lifting.

God, Your Father, loves you. Let Him.

Jesus, Your Bestie, loves you. Let Him.

The Holy Spirit, guides. Let Him.

I love you. Let me.

Then, love me back.

Take care, beloveds, of that precious heart of yours.

You got this.

I got you.

God has us all.

How much safer and loved could we be?!

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Keep taking the last shot.

A debate has been raging. ALL day. Folks have been arguing whether Jordan Poole should have taken the last shot.

?!

!?

Supposedly, the shot should have been taken by Steph Curry. HE should have been the hero, pundits have been saying.

No matter that Jordan had already made 6 of 11, from the 3-point line. Which is a fabulous percentage.

Yea, beloveds, folks love to expound upon who is deserving of this, that and the other thing.

The world applauds, this person. Yet, the same world will look, with disdain, upon another. And, the criteria of why this one can have and why the other can not is just ridiculous.

RIDICULOUS!

Keep taking the last shot. As, sometimes, it will go in. Other times, the ball will hit the rim. You may even miss the rim completely.

Who cares?

Take the shot, anyway.

The satisfaction, is in the TRY. Yes, you want to win the game. But, the TRY is so very satisfying.

The anticipation, that comes, from the possibility.

Ah, the possibilities!

What if it goes in!?…*delicious shiver*. You can spend an eternity dreaming about the what ifs of life.

Sadly, most folks don’t even attempt that last shot. They are afraid of what others will think, should they miss.

They are afraid of what THEY will think, if they miss.

They are afraid!

Take the shot, beloveds. Take the shot, afraid. Take the shot, confident.

Don’t waste ONE moment worrying about the outcome, of the game. Or, at the jeers OR cheers, from the crowd.

YOU know of all the hard work you put into your dream/goal/relationship/job etc.

Let that be enough.

Say.

Live.

Love.

Take, the shot.

You got this.

You CAN.

You WILL.

taking the last shot with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Be encouraged.

Be encouraged.

Some days, you just need someone to tell you to be encouraged. Don’t ask me why. Sometimes, it’s all you can do to do all that you can do.

Be, encouraged.

What you need IS coming.

Soon.

The trick to life is hanging on when all seems lost, wrong, hard, ridiculous and all that life can be and do.

Another storm has passed. Take a breath. You made it through yet another storm. You can do this! You CAN. You WILL. Ok?

Ok.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror and keeps on keeping on*

striving with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It is imperative to keep encouraging yourself. Things are NOT what they seem. You have no idea what Life is doing for you. Just as apps and such, run in the background, so does God and Life run behind the scenes and making things right for you and yours. Love someone, starting with you. I got you, in prayer. God has us all. How much safer can we be?

You are your miracle.

You are your miracle.

YOU are your miracle.

You ARE your miracle.

You are your MIRACLE.

YOU ARE YOUR MIRACLE!

*Cassandra turned from hollering at herself in the mirror and kept it moving*

being the miracle I have been looking/waiting for,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Beloveds, you keep waiting for this to happen. You keep waiting for funds, to arrive. You keep looking for a knight, to rescue you. Yet, the miracle you have been waiting for is YOU. God has given you all that you shall ever need to succeed. Keep on keeping on. You got this. You CAN. You WILL. Don’t keep your lonely to yourself. Pick up, the phone. Take, a walk. Lift, your head. I love me some you. He loves us all.

Find a shoulder to cry on.

Life has been…

Hard.

Loud.

Exhausting.

Joyful.

Interesting…

*The sound of needle scratching a record could be heard*

Enough of THAT, beloveds.

I was just fixing to wax eloquently about how tests and trials are just that: tests and trials.

I was just about to expound about how you can keep it moving even when the very last thing you want to do is to use commas or keep it moving.

I was even just fixing and about to give THE greatest soliloquy about how your dream is juuuuuuuust around the next corner.

Was just about to do all that and was just too darned weary, too filled with tears, to do any of that.

So, I reached out to someone, and cried.

I reached out to my wombie, and cried.

I reached out, even, to my supe, and cried…lol.

I kept praying, kept telling my heart “Peace, be still”.

I kept telling myself to NOT worry.

I kept telling myself that God WILL take care of me.

I kept telling myself that I believe God.

I kept assuring myself that ALL will be well.

Finally, I took my mad, outraged, why the world won’t this hell ever end tears, climbed onto The Father’s Lap and lay my head on His Shoulder. He was there. He cared. He gave me a final hug and sent me on my way and told me to keep on keeping on.

I will.

crying while waiting on my dreams,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep on keeping on. Everything IS going to be alright. Your dreams WILL come true. Sooner or later. In the meantime, love on some you. Keep reaching out to those you love and let them love you back. And, if you are alone, reach out and make a friend. You may start with me. Feel free to yak at me by email. I care about your life. Be encouraged.

Real talk: The foundation is you.

I was an ugly child…

*Cassandra stops writing after hearing large gasp from her audience.*

It’s alright, beloveds. The sentence was specifically written.

For, a reason.

To, get your attention.

To, stop YOU, in your tracks.

To, force you to look.

At, you.

As far as the world was/is concerned, however, I WAS an ugly child. A joyful one. Yet, an “ugly” one.

Boys used to chase follow me, down countless school hallways, whispering and laughing, about how ugly I was.

Girls used to walk with me, down countless hallways, whispering and laughing, about how ugly I was.

Grown men and women used to follow me, down countless aisles and walkways, confusing me with being a man and calling me “sir”.

I was:

Athletic.

Big boned.

Thick thighed.

Hercules.

Loud.

I had/have:

Two, gorgeous, brown eyes.

One, ridiculous-sounding laugh.

THE dumbest/clumsiest dance the world has ever known.

A heart of gold(cuz I love aforementioned boys, girls, men and women just cuz they are).

“Hercules, come move this freezer for me”.

Mom was fond of calling me her Hercules and having move this heavy thing and that one.

I played basketball. Very well. Well enough to compete with and beat boys. Then, grown men. They did not like that. So, of course, called me ugly names. I did not like that. So, of course, made the beat downs especially Cheryl Miller like. If you don’t know who Cherly Miller was you better ask somebody!

To digress, for one moment, Cheryl Miller was one of the greatest/gifted basketball players I had ever seen. Male or female. I shall be writing about her, soon. Stay tuned.

Now that I have set the stage, we can move on. I did not want to distract you with a set up or stage. Sadly, most folk are wandering around trying to distract others, from looking at them, by setting and creating an elaborate stage upon which to perform their lives for the world to see.

They feel like imposters. They feel unworthy. They feel worthless. So, they hide. Behind masks of shame. They lock their true beauty behind makeup, clothes, jewelry and the like.

They hide their hearts upon the arms of men/women, whom they deem ‘beautiful’ so as to distract from their own ugliness.

This is why, beloveds, I speak so freely of my supposed ugliness. I never FELT ugly. To me, I just WAS. I was just me. Yes, it hurt, terribly, to be dismissed and ignored because I didn’t fit the mode of acceptably pretty folk.

I spent my growing up years eating alone, in the lunch room. I learned to live, alone, encouraging my way through this thing called life.

I never married. Almost did. Now, THAT, truly is another story for another day…

I never had children. I told myself it was because of my ministry, my jobs, my this, my that.

Maybe, though, beloveds, I never married or had kids because my heart secretly believed the lie that I was just too ugly for a man to look at me let alone fall head over heels for a loud ugly duckling called Cassandra.

That would be awfully sad, if true. I don’t think on it, much. If I did…hhmm.

Now, right now, here, currently, presently,  present, I just love me some me. Fat, balding from health issues that has cruelly snatched my crown. Leaving what’s left in white and gray strands. This doesn’t bother me. Not, anymore.

Any self-respecting sister will tell you that our hair is something we don’t trifle with or suffer fools about!

Over the last three years, God and Life have helped me learn HOW to love and accept ALL of me. ALL!

I love the loud, me.

I love the quiet, me.

I love the silly, me.

I love the annoyed, me.

I love the annoying, me.

I love the passionate, me.

I love the irrational, me.

I love the lazy, me.

I love the introspective, me.

I love the extroverted, me.

I love the me that thinks I am too ugly to be loved by a man.

I love the me that hopefully rushes to her phone to see if anyone responded to her blog posts.

I love the me that wonders if all these years of longing to love, to be loved have been a joke and humongous waste of God’s Resources.

I love the me who was ridiculous enough to have tweeted President Biden, First Lady Biden, President Obama, Michelle Obama, Elon Musk, and others, to support my GoFundMe page so I can take my sabbatical and write. 🤣

I love the me that STILL does not know how!

ALL things things help and ARE the foundation of my life. In fact, my life IS the foundation.

As is yours, beloveds.

The foundation of WHAT?

Ah.

Aha!

Great question!

Ask who?

Ah.

Aha!

You are getting closer.

I shall end this hear. So you can ask and receive some wondrous answers.

Life is short. Time for you to lift up your beautiful head.

This world has sold you a bill of goods that yoy are this, that and the other thing. None of which are worthy of being seen and loved.

Ha!

To hell with that! You were fearfully and wonderfully made, the Bible says.

Rise, beloveds. Then, love someone today. Starting with you. You don’t need to wait for someone to come riding up on a horse to claim your heart.

You do NOT have to present a stash of cash to be loved.

You do NOT have to be this, that or the other thing. Just, be. You. The foundation.

Of what?

Ah.

Aha!

loving me some Him, some me and some you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

  1. Lively Life's avatar
  2. Roseanna Marshall's avatar

    it was an interesting read, broken down within characters explaining detail after detail.

  3. Roseanna Marshall's avatar

    awesome

  4. vermavkv's avatar

    What a beautiful way to begin the morning—with love flowing in every direction. ❤️ From Father and Jesus to Mom,…

  5. vermavkv's avatar

The foundation: God, I don’t know how.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t know how.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t know what to say.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t know who to write to.

God: Write.

Me: NO one will listen.

God: Write.

Me: NO one will care.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t have any money.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t have the time after working all day.

God: Write.

Me: I don’t feel well, today. I barely had enough energy to make it through the work day.

God: Write.

Me: Mom died.

God: Write.

Me: Mom died! 😢

God: Write.

Me: MOM DIED! 😡

God: Write.

Me: I’m tired.

God: I know. Write.

Me: NO one will respond.

God: I know. Write.

Me: NO one will understand.

God: I know. Write.

Me: God, WHY do You want me to write?

God: Ah!

Me: God, what do You want me to say?

God: Aha!

Me: Ah?

Me: Aha!

God: Write.

Me: I will.

God and I have been having this conversation for most, if not all, of my life. There has always been this call, deep inside, to write. To, encourage others. To, encourage myself.

I longed to impact the lives of millions. MILLIONS! And, for no reason other than to let people KNOW they were loved.

Why? Because they are.

YOU are.

Loved.

All these years I have done what I can to let folk know that they were and are not alone. Doing so has been a lonely road. Yet, not. Jesus had been My Homie, the whole way. The Holy Spirit has guided my steps. The Father, ah, beloveds, has truly become MY Father during these long, lonesome, yet not, days.

During these times, I had been soooo discouraged that my labors had been in vain.

I can not even tell you the myriad of folk, over the years, who professed awe and faith in my, supposed, gift. Countless times, I would be promised ‘help’ to assist me with my writing/giving passion. Yea, these folks helped. THEMSELVES. To, my passion. To, my gift. To, free labor.

For me, or so I told myself, it was a labor of love. It was. Yet, I deserved to be the one profiting from the words born from inside me. Profiting so that I could make my living from the gifts and skills given to me. Profiting so I could continue to love and encourage others.

Over the course of time, I reached out, less and less, with my writing. At least, not how I used to. How I truly long to. It just hurt too much to not be able to do and be how I envision.

Back and forth, God and I have battled/reasoned/cajoled one another. He, to ask me to keep on going. To, keep on trying. To, keep on believing:

In, others.

In, me.

In, Him.

In, you.

Especially, in you.

Keep going, beloveds.

You are building something.

A foundation.

One, in which will sustain all you are. One, in which will uphold your dreams. One, in which will withstand EVERY test, trial and storm.

Keep going, beloveds. You were not meant to see the foundation. You were just meant to build it!

Build your foundation on sure ground:

Faith.

Hope.

Joy.

Love.

Empathy.

Forbearance.

Laughter.

Song.

Thanksgiving.

Life.

Jesus.

God.

The Word.

And, many, many, many other bricks in this thing called life.

God: Write.

Me:…

To be continued.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Be encouraged. In fact, just be. You are building a legacy that shall cover, sustain, uplift, exhort, protect others long after you have drawn your last breath. In the meantime, love, live, and laugh. You CAN. You WILL. As, will I. I love you. Love me back.