Category: Writing

This is it: The next step.

This is it!

Huh?

*Cassandra rushes into the room, waiting to SEE her dreams, now fulfilled, with her own eyes*

Huh?

Huh!

*pout*

*Cassandra peers around the dark room seeing what she ALWAYS saw*:

Unfulfilled, dreams.

Disappointment.

Discouragement.

Frustration.

Loneliness.

Silence.

Ah, the silence!

The silence, is soooooooo very loud.

The loneliness, is sooooooo very lonely.

The unfulfilled dreams, are sooooo very unfulfilling.

*Cassandra decided to climb upon The Father’s Lap to let Him know how lonely the lonely was, how agonizing the silence was and how unfulfilling the unfulfilled dreams were. Cassandra whispered all these things and waited to see what He would say. Quietly, God said*:

“Beloved, this IS it! It is the next step, of your journey. Yes, I know you are tired. Well I know, of your fight. I understand. Trust Me. Keep walking. It will be worth it, in the end.”

*Cassandra gave God one final hug, slid off His Lap and got about being about it*

This is it.

The next step.

The NEXT step?

Ah.

Aha!

walking where she could/can’t see,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Stay, beloveds! There! In THAT spot. Right where you already ARE! You are exactly where you were chosen/meant to be. Just BE, beloveds, in your space. In your place. Where you are, now, is where you are supposed to be.

The restlessness is just a sign that change/growth is near. Embrace this. Don’t run away from the fatigue and the discomfort. These are but spices which will make the end product that much more tasty. Ah. Aha! Keep going. You got this. You SHALL fulfill your dreams. Know, also, your dreams are not given just for you. YOUR fulfilled dreams will change the lives of others. Beginning with you. Be encouraged.

Mom’s Goulash.

Life, has been, a pain.

Work, can kick rocks, lately.

God, has worked the last of my nerves, showing burning bushes and whispering sweet nothings of all that I can say, live, love and do without showing me how to do them!!!!

Ack!

Egads!

Yikes!

Whew!!

Scuze me, beloveds. Had to blow off a bit of steam there.

So, here I found myself staring at a pile of tangled up life.

Fresh hell!

Reminds me of mom’s goulash. She would scrounge the fridge and cabinets for whatever was left in there.

She would then dump said contents into whatever crockpot, electric skillet or pot sitting near.

Ew!

Some of the experiments looked positive gross. Yet, some of the tastiest dishes were of those what in the fresh hell is THAT?! dishes mom would make.

Thinking of her goulash, I decided to try making some. I took some leftover taco meat, can of potatoes, can of green beans, handful of shredded cheese, glop full of Irish butter. Added a pinch of this, a dash of that and all manner of spices.

Mixed all with an extra helping of Dear Lawd I sure hope this works, and let it all cook/simmer and do what it do.

Yummers!

It came out absolutely delish!

In the past, I would have been afraid to try. I would tell myself I would waste food. I would admonish myself that I would put in too many spices. I would lament I would not add enough spices. By the time I was finished, I would have ended up eating a ‘safe’ peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good PBJ. But, not when hankering for some goulash.

Thinking of my successful goulash, I looked upon my what in the fresh hell do I do with dreams and pondered on what/how? I know absolutely nothing. Whilst knowing nothing, I went ahead, FINALLY, and figured out how to edit my About Page.

Hmmm….

How about that?!

*Cassandra looks pleasantly surprised at her About Me page*

Then,…*shrug*. The ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS thought came to create a GoFundMe Page and shoot for 100 grand so I can start my sabbatical, write, rest, get my health together, write, write, write and write. Folks have and had, set up and successfully achieved absolutely ridiculous, at times, it appears, goals and were doing this, that and the other thing.

Why not, I said to myself.

Why not, try?

It may not work.

*shrug*

It is the TRY that was important.

So, I made my GoFundMe Page. And, i did as suggested and shared with a few friends and family. What’s more, I shared my dreams, with my wombie, and dreamed out loud of what I would do. To find out what those things would be…*shrug*…go to my Help Me Get Loud Page and help a sista out. At the very least, share the link with a hedge fund billionaire you know….

Anywho, I looked upon this goulash called my try, hopes, dreams, tears, frustrations, prayers, etc, mixed them with laughter, joy, music, chair-dancing and a touch of Yikes! and Egads! and presented it to God and Life.

This is what I told Them:

Thank You, for allowing me to share my dreams, outloud. Should the answer continue to be no, i shall continue to do the best I can to encourage folk and let them know they are loved and NOT alone. Thank You, for teaching me how very short life is. Thank You, for helping me to understand that I am enough. THAT, is enough. Help folk know that. Thank You, for teaching me how to enjoy goulash. Both eating it AND making it. Your friend, Cassandra

Life is short.

Try.

Make goulash.

It may look ridiculous but it sure tastes good!

cooking with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Everybody needs a big brother.

*sigh*

I’m excited.

And, when I am excited, I get loud.

And, I mean REALLY, really loud.

I had an idea.

Ah.

Aha!

I wanted to share it with one of my big brothers.

I called.

Long story short…*sigh*…

I, cut up.

I, acted a fool.

I, demanded to be listened to.

I, hollered and screamed about folk not listening to me.

I, accused him of not listening to me.

All while listening, but refusing to hear, his heart.

Yes, I could hear his heart, hear his words.

Yet, I….*shrug*.

Long story short, I ended phone conversation and started another with me…

Me: Now, WHY the world did you carry on like that?

Myself: Because folk are forever not allowing me to say what I want to say, HOW I want to say it.

I: Does HE treat you that way?

Me: Okay, so, not in general, no.

Myself: Have you let him know, in a calm voice, how you feel.

I: Okay, so why the world do I have to ALWAYS be ‘calm’ when I want to communicate?

Me: Well, you don’t. But, it DOES help, to share these feelings, when you are not all up in your feelings.

Myself: Hhmm, you may be right!

I: Of course, I am ALWAYS right.

*Cassandra grabs some act right and goes in search of her big bro*

brb,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Us humans can be, well, humans. Smh. Meaning, we can be really dumb, at times. It’s okay to be a moron. It’s NOT okay, to remain a moron. Folks are NOT mind readers. The friends, family, peers, in or lives care about us and do the best they can to understand us. It is incumbent to grow and learn. Even, when we cut up. Especially, when we cut up.

Keep doing YOUR work, beloveds. If the relationship is important to you, keep communication open. Clunky, thought it can be. Keep trying. Keep giving yourself the space to annoy yourself, and others, as you learn more about you. And, hopefully, allow others the opportunity to learn you as well.

And, if the other side, decides they are not ready/willing/able to struggle with you towards a viable relationship, wish them well and keep it moving. I move with you…

Even when you say you can’t.

Live.

With, intention.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Try.

Try, again.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Love.

Without, fear/conditions/strings/manipulation.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Pray.

Without, ceasing.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Rejoice.

Always.

In spite, of.

Despite.

Because, of.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Renew.

Your, faith.

Your, courage.

Your, strength.

Your, joy.

Your, tenacity.

Your, hope.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Tell, God.

Tell, Life.

Tell, you.

Your, fears.

Your, doubts.

Your, anxiety.

Your, pride.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Give, God.

Give, Life.

Relieve yourself, of.

Your, fears.

Your, doubts.

Your, anxiety.

Your, pride.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Begin.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Even, when you say you can’t.

Especially, when you say you can’t.

Beginning, with you.

Again.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s storming outside. Truth be told, it has been storming, in my heart, for days, now. Truth be told, for years, now. As, the decades have tried, to wear down my resolve. As, the agonizing years of unfulfilled dreams/desires/hopes, have endlessly cascaded by. As, the tormenting pursuit of shouting, into the void, for love, acceptance, joy, peace and all the other things a heart can hope for. Yea, beloveds, in ALL of those things the storm(s) raged. Outside. Inside. All, around.

Until, ah, beloveds, until I learned how to:

Stand.

Fight.

Live.

Love.

Laugh.

Trust.

Cherish.

Hear.

Receive.

Rejoice.

And, many, many, many truths.

How?

I learned how/to trust.

God.

Life.

Me.

Ah.

Aha!

Beloveds, these tests, these trials, this hard, in your life, is nothing but a test.

You shall NOT:

Be, broken.

Yet, shall be:

Broken, open.

In order for you to be:

Filled.

Renewed.

Loved.

Cherished.

Seen.

Heard.

Valued.

Fought, for.

By, God.

By, Life.

By, YOU.

Especially, by you.

Get a goin.

You got a life to live.

Now.

It’s okay.

It’s okay…

To be, wrong.

It’s okay…

To be, right.

It’s okay…

To be, emptied.

It’s okay…

To be, filled.

It’s okay…

To be, together.

It’s okay…

To be, alone.

It’s okay…

To be, understanding.

It’s okay…

To be, understood.

In short, beloveds, it’s okay…

To, BE!

Say.

Live.

Love.

First, you.

Then, another.

And, another.

And…

to be continued,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It breaks my heart to see so many hearts afraid to be. Life is short. It’s okay. Be. You’ll be grateful you did. You will give others permission to also be. YOU are more than enough. Present YOU to the world. YOU are the only gift/tribute we need. Be blessed. Be encouraged. BE!

Listen: I hear you.

All my life, I have yearned, fought, struggled.

To, be…

Heard.

Listened, to.

Along the journey, I learned such a wonderful and wondrous thing:

There is so much joy…

In, listening.

Ah.

Aha!

Now, I want to spend the rest of my days, listening, learning, loving, fighting with, fighting for, cutting up with…

My, family.

ALL of, my family.

You are, my brother.

You are, my sister.

If you hear nothing else I say, hear/know this:

You, are loved.

You, are NOT, alone.

Your life, has value, simply from your birth.

Your greatness, is not, in the things you have.

Your greatness, is, in the things you share, from your lack.

Your worth, is not, in the work, you do.

Your worth, is,…*shrug*…it just IS. Period.

Your beauty, is not, in your appearance.

Your beauty, your TRUE beauty, is in how you treat yourself. In, how you treat others.

Beloveds, it’s time for you to lift up your head.

It is enough!

You have punished yourself enough for all the things you thought you should have and be.

EVERY soul’s greatest wish is to be:

Loved.

Seen.

Cherished.

Heard.

Speak.

I, listen.

here,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

We are one: You are my sister. You are my brother.

We are one.

ALL of us.

I REFUSE to look at you as the enemy, as MY enemy, my white sister, my white brother.

We are all bombarded, daily, with tales of woe and horror. Caused, of course, by the other side.

America, beloveds, there IS no other side.

We, ALL of us, are on ONE team.

The United States of America.

ALL of us are needed, yes are REQUIRED to fight FOR one another.

And, yes, beloved America, there are family members that work the last nerves. Yet, we keep them in the family, still.

Yet, we love them, still.

Folks, are hurting.

Folks, are afraid.

Hurt people, hurt people.

It is enough, America.

America used to be considered the beacon on the hill.

America used to be looked upon as the big brother and big sister of the world.

Understanding that being an example is much more important/imperative/effective than being a bully.

America used to cherish it’s elderly.

Understanding that those before us helped to create what we all enjoy now.

America used to honor it’s youth.

Understanding that our youth are the keys to our future.

America used to respect it’s leaders.

Understanding that it’s leaders are called to SERVE. Our leadership is meant to CARE. For, us ALL. Not just those who be of benefit.

America used to be about coming together in times of hardship.

Understanding that together we can weather ANY storm.

We are one.

You are, my sister.

You are, my brother.

Such as I have, I give to you.

Get to know me, my sister.

Get to know me, my brother.

For, I am a link, in the chain.

As are you.

Be, a link.

Be, THE link, that starts the chain, in YOUR neck of the woods.

Let us, start a wave.

Then, let that wave, start a tsunami that will drown and destroy the divide between us all.

We CAN.

We WILL.

extending a hand,

Cassandra aka yo sista from anotha mista…hehe.

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Mom, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to buy you a home.

I’m sorry, mom.

I wanted to buy you a house.

I wanted to present you with a home, to call your own.

I wanted so very much to be able to pay your every debt.

Mom, I so desperately wanted to meet your every need.

You gave your all, mom.

You gave from your last. You fed the homeless. You gave knowing you had not returned.

You taught me, mom, how to be a giver.

You taught me, mom, how to be a lover.

Your love language, was of deed. You did not know, mom, how to express your love, in words.

Maybe, mom, it is partly why words means so much to me: to be given freely, liberally, relentlessly, endlessly, lovingly, devotedly.

In return, I wanted to buy you a house, a home, a safe space to call your own.

You taught me, mom, that wealth was not in things. You taught me wealth could be endlessly given in love, in laughter, in deeds.

Mom, you loved me through every moment spent, in the kitchen, watching you prepare meals for us, for the community, for those in need.

I’m sorry, mom. I wanted to be able to reward you by buying you a home.

*As Cassandra looked upon the hopelessly meager treasure she had stored, during her life, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning, Cassandra gazed upon her mother who had a beautiful crown. Next to her, stood King Jesus who bent over and whispered these words to her*:

“Beloved, EVERY time you gave, you placed a diamond in your mom’s crown. EVERY time you shed tears, for another, you placed gold, in your mom’s crown. EVERY time you encouraged a soul, you placed rubies, in your mom’s crown. As you do, for the least of these, you have done unto Me.

And, as your mom taught you the way you should go, her mansion was being fashioned by My Hands. Thank you, beloved, for helping me to build your mom her home. Well done.”

Mom died, with next to nothing, so far as the world would say. Yet, she gave me priceless gifts of wisdom and tenacity. She taught me how to be loyal. She taught me how to fight. She taught me how to love with what you have.

Yet, mom only gave me ONE genuine hug that was initiated by her. And, she had only said “I love you, Jeanette” on the very last conversation we had(another story for another time).

Still, she gave me a mansion, through her love language of service. She built me a home, of love with every meal cooked and served.

I guess we are even, mom. Thank you, for being my home. Thanks for teaching me that house, can be a home, without being one of brick and mortar.

I love you, mom. I shall endeavor to build you a scepter next…lol.

Your daughter,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: You are building crowns, beloved, each and every time you give your heart and love to others. Don’t discount your efforts. You may never know how many lives you have touched. Keep being you. It matters. As do you.

All that I have: I love you, America.

I don’t have much.

Much money, anyway.

I have an unlimited supply of love, hope and joy, which I freely give to you.

It’s all that I have. I hope it’s enough, for you.

I don’t have much.

Much in the way of looks they say, apparently.

I have an unlimited supply of support, encouragement and care, which I give without strings, without conditions.

It’s all I have. I hope it’s enough for you.

I don’t have much.

Much in the way of stature, of prestige, or so the world seems to think.

I have an unlimited supply of gratitude, of thanksgiving and charity, which I give to you with open arms.

It’s all I have. I hope it’s enough for you.

I don’t have much.

Much in the way of usefulness, being a loud person of color, to hear quite a few members of society, or so they say.

I have an unlimited supply of sisterhood, watching your backness and friendship, which I give with an open heart to all my brothers and sisters of EVERY race, creed, and gender.

It’s all I have. I hope it’s enough for you.

I don’t have much, America. Yet, all that I have, I give to you.

I love you, America. Even as many of you refuse to love me back.

I am here for you, America. I pray for you. I pray that you will heal. I pray that, one day, America, you will embrace me as much as I embrace you.

Be encouraged, America. We got this. We CAN, we WILL, one day, ALL of us, come together in love, solidarity and unity.

Life is short, America. We, all of us, are running out of time. Best we use that time to FINALLY become The UNITED States of America.

His servant and your friend/sister,

Cassandra

Note: It has been truly disappointing and disheartening to see so many Americans who have been gunned down for no reason other than being of a different race/creed/religion. It’s time for folk to lay down iron arms and open their arms/hearts/ears in fellowship and understanding. I will never stop praying and being hopeful we shall come together: United.

Load the dishwasher, Cassandra.

Old habits: Why don’t you order a pizza? Life has been kicking your tail. Yea, life being soooo unfair to you, right now.

New habits: Load the dishwasher, Cassandra.

Discouragement: Why do you keep going? Don’t you know insanity is doing the same thing while expecting different results? Why don’t you order a pizza?

Yikes!: Yikes, Cassandra! You have come so far. Keep going. You got this. New habits is right. Keep it moving and go load the dishwasher.

Anxiety: Yea, you know these bills piling up and your God all silent about meeting your needs. How ARE you going to make it when your money not stretching? Why don’t you order a pizza?

Egads!: Egads, Cassandra! God has your back. Keep going. Why don’t you keep it moving and go load the dishwasher?

Doubt: Why on earth do you keep wasting time shouting into the void this way? NOBODY cares. NOBODY is listening? Who do you think YOU are? Why don’t you order a pizza?

Doubts, anxiety, discouragement, old habits, new habits, Yikes! and Egads! proceeded to get into a knock down drag out to convince Cassandra to either order a pizza or load the dishwasher.

*Cassandra, The Father, hard, Life, and contentment watching, with amusement to see who would come out on top. Turning from the loaded dishwasher, Cassandra proceeded to take out the trash and kept it moving.*

hopeful still,

Cassandra

Note: Keep going, beloveds. Even when it hurts. Even when it’s hard. Even when there seems to be no evidence of things working out.

These are glorious times! They keep your faith muscles, working. They keep your try, trying. They keep your focus, focused. Hard is your friend. Hard, shows you how much you care. Hard, shines a light on how much you love. Hard, continually, offers you the opportunity to stand, love, grow, fight and win. You got this!

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, with a smile, and reaches for her tea set*

🍵 Tea anyone?