Ah, love. MY, love. Here, I am, singing love songs. To, you. In my undies. I know you, love. I just don’t know your name.
Fear tried to silence me. Tried to tell me you have no idea who or where, I am.
I told fear to go on ahead and kick them rocks, told fear, my love WILL show.
It’s okay, love, that I don’t yet know, your name. In not knowing, my heart is forced to keep going, to keep growing, til love starts revealing itself to me.
In the meantime, I shall be 54 and counting my way to you.
Take care of yourself for me, love. Til you find me, I shall give mine away to as many as will receive.
Til then, enjoy my song, free from fear. Receive, my love, freely given, from me, to you.
Love, what is your name? How much longer must I await you? No matter. I cherish each aching moment as I dream of all we shall share together.
Be well, love. Think of ME, as I sing, to you, not yet knowing your name.
Hopeful, joyful, believing, love my find it’s way to me, still.
54 and counting…
Still.
Rejoicing, knowing, ushering light, into this heart of mine, still.
54 and counting…
Still.
Growing, being, doing, giving all the me that I can see, for all the world to see.
54 and counting…
Still.
How awesome is that?!😁
54 and counting,
Cassandra
Beloveds, don’t believe the foolish lie that your days are at their end. And, if they shall be, near end’s end, well, live each moment, asif it were thy last. For last, our days, shall not. Yet, you SHALL and WILL enjoy your days so long as you live, so long as you CHOOSE TO. CHOOSE you, CHOOSE love, CHOOSE hope. I hope. How bout you?
Christmas, ah, Christmas. You gave me My Greatest Gift, Jesus. On Christmas morn, My Best Friend, My Light, My Life, was born.
On that same precious day, o, beloved Christmas Day, you took my friend, my mom, my light, my life, away.
Christmas, since 2016, I welcome you, I dread you coming, hope your stay is brief, pray you never leave.
Christmas, ah, Christmas, your cheerful voice lies. The gifts you bring, the songs you sing, o, Christmas, makes me want to sing along. I lie, to my heart, and say it’s okay she is gone. I tell my heart truth and say she had to go, she did not abandon you.
So, Christmas, as you draw nigh, forget not my greatest wish, that you tell my greatest gift, how very much I love her. How very much I love Him.
I look forward, now, dear Christmas, to your coming. Not, for the gifts you may bring. But, because of His Birth, which is the whole point of this thing.
HIS, Day. Now, HER day. Christmas, God gave you such AWESOME gifts on your day:
My, Bestie.
My, mom.
My friends.
Rest in peace, mom. As, I LIVE now, in peace. Loving you another way. I love you, mom. I hold your love, in my heart.
grateful for Christmas,
Cassandra
Note: For all who have lost a mom, a dad, a sibling, a significant other, a job held dear, something priceless, something precious, KNOW that you WILL be okay. Yes, the hurt hurts. Yet, you shall ALWAYS have the precious memories built by the love you shared with who or what you lost. In this, you can know you haven’t really lost. For, you have loved. You were loved. You can love still.
I know. I know. I have been missing in action. Leastwise, from these pages. I have been searching for someone. Truth be told, beloveds, I have been in search for this person my whole life long.
I pursued this one, relentlessly, frustratingly, unknowingly. Alas, I knew not of whom I had and have been chasing.
I chased this phantom, this figment, through 54 uphill years.
Doggedly, unapologetically, painstakingly, I rushed after this one. This one, one that could, would, should change my life, change my world into that which my dreams forever shout at me to complete, have and do.
54 years and counting…
The years drop faster, my steps grow slower, time races, a crawl replaces, heartbeats lessens, silence defeans, as I strive to hear, to see, to be, near to…..???
Where o where, are you, I cry, I cry out.
Where?!
The cry, now a demand.
“I call”!
Tossing my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my tears, ALL that I have, know and see, I slide to the center of the table.
I have bet, me, you see.
Not knowing, if anything shall become of my bet. Not knowing if any, if anything, will see any value upon all that lies upon this velvet table called life.
Yet, I am no longer afraid that my heart, that my love, that my life, that my try, that my tears, that my fears, that my dreams, that me, just ME, will be chosen.
For, beloveds, I choose me. It no longer matters of you do not. I choose me. I love me. I see me. And, that is enough. Always has been. Ever true this shall be.
“I call your heart and raise it with My Life”
*Cassandra turns to see Jesus standing across from her, with a crown in His Nail-scarred Hands*.
“I call your heart and raise it with My Never-ending Love”.
*Cassandra turns and sees The Father who takes the chair on her left side.*
“I call your heart and raise it with My love”.
*Cassandra turns and sees her mom, sees her dad, sees her siblings, sees her friends take their place on her other side.*
Suddenly, finally, slowly, the one, the ONE, Jaybird, Sweetpea, and Cassandra had been looking for for 54 years and counting, tapped her on the shoulder and said…
“I accept.”
Cassandra smiled, recognizing, the touch, the soft voice, the comforting words. Trusting, without seeing, she leaned, finally, backwards, resting, quietly, on the confidently beating heart.
“Hello, my friend. Thanks for waiting for me.”
*Saying a heartfelt thanks to all those who had been there this whole time, Cassandra made to leave with one who had ALWAYS been with and for her and made off to see what the rest of her life contained for her*…
Huh?
Whatchamean who did I find? Didja actually think I would spill the beans so easily after it took ME 54 years, to find the one, to find the answer?!
Besides, beloveds, if your eyes have beheld the end of this tale, why, means you have, you are, on the same quest, on the same search. I can’t spoil your ending. It shall be delicious, beloveds, as you make your way, towards…
I can give you a hint. When you finally, intentionally, irrationally, irreverently, push ALL of you, ALL your chips, in the middle of the table, and bet on YOU…ah…*hugs self*…THEN you shall be witness to…
*Realizing she almost gave up the goods, Cassandra made her way out of the room and into the rest of her days*.
What will/would those days contain? I have NO idea. God knows, but He ain’t telling.
Finally found,
Cassandra aka Jaybird aka Sweetpea
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. Life is short, beloveds. I haven’t blogged since Ashley passed away as she ALWAYS responded to my #YourLifeMattersToMe with a #YourLifeMattersToo. I wish my prayers, my care, my words, my shouting into the void could have, would have been enough to help her stay around until her heart healed. I promised her, though, that I would keep leaving the light on for others, that I would keep chair dancing for those who are not yet able.
Today, ALL day, it has been on my heart to let folks hear, see and KNOW that their lives matter. Matter to me. Just could not stop posting today. I did not want to save the words for tomorrow. I told myself that someone needed those words, my words, these words, TODAY.
Life has been hard for all of us these past years. Yet, for some, life has been unbearably hard for too long. Some, too damned many, have not been able to hold on, to hold out, to keep hoping, to keep on keeping on.
I rushed off of work so that I could go back and read some dearly missed WordPress fam/friends. Sadly, one of those dear/sweet WordPress friends could no longer keep going:
Ashley, beloved, you will be missed. So very much. I shall miss your telling me that my life also matters. I will miss the way you explained Mental Health issues in ways that I could understand. I will miss your updates. I will miss your humor. I will miss YOU. Period.
Dammit!
Ashley, I promise I shall continue to shout into the void, for folks who are not yet able to chair dance. I shall dance for them. I shall dance, in your memory. I shall dance, in hopes that these words, my words, will reach someone long enough for them to continue to hang on.
I miss you already, Ashley. I can not imagine how your family must be feeling at this time.
Your life matters, beloveds. Keep going. Reach out for support if you are in need of it. Don’t give up on you. Not yet. Not yet.
If you happened upon this page, upon these words, I am talking to you.
Truth be told, I have been talking to you, most of my life.
Talking, to you. Wondering how your life has been going.
Your life matters to me.
Why?
Because God and Life have painstakingly created, helped create, supported, this life called you.
I find this amazing.
I find YOU, beloved(s), amazing!
Just think…we are ALL diffferent, yet, we are ALL the same.
We all have the same need to be seen, the same hope to be loved, the same wish to be cared for.
We all cry, laugh, make clumsy attempts to live and laugh
Yea, we a bunch of strangers, a bunch of strange creatures, if you will.
Yet, we are the same, are we not?
How could you NOT matter?
To, me?
To, you?
It seems like the world is trying to divide us. Seems as though, society is trying to make us choose not to be together, Appears like, fear, is doing it’s best to convince us that we are too different and that difference is bad/awful/extinguishable.
Ha!
Your life matters to me.
Your thoughts matter to me.
Your sruggle(s) matters to me.
Your hard days matters to me.
Your light days matters to me.
Yea, beloved(s), I can’t help it. I can’t quit you. No matter that you do ridiculous things, at times. No matter that you say utter foolishness at times. I have done and said more ridiculous and foolish things than I could even count.
We all we got, peeps. Yet, we all we need. ALL of us. Together.
Go on ahead and kick dem rocks. Take TWO seats. Get outta here! Go somewhere and take all your friends with you. Watch me shine/sing/dance/laugh/love/prosper/share/give/live/touch/show/go/show/live/worship!
I choose to: Go. Give. Show. Grow. Live. Worship. Touch. Show. Love.
Free, from fear. Free, from strings. Free, from expectation(s).
Free to be all that I can be, in as many ways, as I choose.
You are free to join me, dismiss me, love me, hate me, see me, disregard me.
For your actions, are yours, they are NOT mine. Your actions, do not, require my action, my inaction, my reaction(s).
For the last time, fear, have you spoken and I listened. Continue to speak, fear. It no longer matters to me. I am too busy doing me.
You bore me now, fear. Run along and take your friends with. I have no need of you. You are nothing more than an imposter.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 